"I'm Here, And I'm On The Mend My Friend"
January 13, 1992
New York City, New York
Waking up to a cold bed is one of the worst feelings in the world when you know your loved one is hurting in the next room over. Krist and Dave's voices were hushed, but I could still hear their quiet discussion through the thin walls.
"Is she okay Krist?" My right hand clenches the white bedsheets next to me where Dave should be lying, rather than asking his bandmate questions like this. "She really freaked all of us out earlier and I need to know that she's okay. Too much has happened in this last year man and now Kurt does this..."
Tears sting my eyes as I recount all the downfalls I've encountered in the last year. It's like Seattle was the beginning of Dave's ultimate fairy tale and my own personal hell.
My knuckles were white from clutching the sheets so tightly, but I couldn't bring myself to release them. Happily accepting the pain that the grip was causing my body; reminding myself that I am in fact still alive and breathing.
"Calm down man." I can picture the scene perfectly in my head. Krist placing a calming hand on his younger bandmates shoulder while Shelli watches the encounter from the other side of the room. "She's asleep now and needs to rest. We talked a little, but she passed out within the first five minutes of our conversation. She's exhausted, both mentally and physically."
I let out a staggered breath, finally releasing the air I'd been holding in. "So... I can't go in there with her."
"I'd let her sleep through the night," Shelli says softly, "Krist can check on her again in the morning if you need him to."
A sigh escapes my mouth as I roll onto my back, locking my blue eyes on the poorly painted hotel ceiling above. Yellow spots stain the white paint, more than likely caused by years of guests smoking in the small room.
"She's going to leave me man..." My breath hitched, every nerve in my body waking up when Dave's words hit my eardrums. "I'm not worth all of this trauma. I haven't seen her this jumpy since we met and there's hardly ever a smile on her face anymore; it physically hurts me knowing I can't make her happy."
But you do...
A loud crash makes me flinch, signaling that something had either been bumped into or thrown across the room. "David!" When a door slammed, I knew he was gone, leaving Shelli and Krist alone in the small hotel room without so much as a sorry for his aggressive actions.
"He'll be okay Shell..."
"For everyone's sake," She pauses, making me wonder what she was doing on the other side of the wall. "I sure hope you're right Novoselic. Rose is my best friend and I'm just as worried, if not more worried, than Dave is. She has skeletons in her closet and that alone is altering her mental health..."
Silence followed, signaling that the conversation was over, and I am once again left with only my thoughts.
---
"Come on Krist I don't want to do shit," I groan and try to snatch my arm out of the taller man's grip. After overhearing the argument in the Novoselic residence early this morning, I couldn't bring myself to fall back asleep. Too lost in my own dark thoughts to concentrate on my body's exhaustion.
I was once again ignored, his grip tightening on the sleeve of my hoodie as he pulls me through the empty hotel hallway. He was determined, attention focused on the path ahead of us rather than my incessant begging.
"Krist."
"Shut up Rosemary," He barked back, catching me off guard. The tall bassist has never been one to express his annoyance in such a way. "Sorry." I don't respond though, allowing the man to continue dragging me wherever he wanted.
With my eyes trained on the beige carpet below my feet, I wasn't aware of the abrupt stop Krist was making, causing my body to slam into his. "Jesus..." My hand flies up to my nose, wincing at the pain.
"Rose," Shelli's soft voice made it subside though, "My turn." I look between the couple, feeling the color drain from my face at the realization of what this is. Before I could dart away, she grabs my hand in hers, tugging me away from my tall shield. "This isn't an intervention Rosemary... it's an apology train. I shouldn't have thrown the infertility in your face yesterday, especially when Dave was within earshot. I'm just glad he didn't overhear..."
A cat officially had my tongue. My mouth would open to respond, but no words would come out as Shelli firmly grips my shoulders. "You're my best friend Rose... I get it if you need some space because that was so fucking wrong of me to do. I am so beyond fucking sorr-"
"It's okay," I cut her off. Throwing my body into hers for a comforting hug. One thing I never want is to lose someone as important to me as Shelli; she's the only person in the world that I know I can trust with absolutely anything.
Her grip around me tightens, breathing in deeply as she tucks her face into my neck. "I love you Rosemary..."
"I love you too Shelli," I sigh, "I don't know what I'd ever do without you." Tears began brimming my eyes as she squeezes me again.
A chuckle came from the woman as she pulled away to wipe her own tears, "Probably fall off a cliff or something." Her eyes dart down the hallway, locking on who I guessed was the next person in the 'apology train' tonight. I follow her gaze, locking my own eyes on a pair of familiar blue ones that were only a few feet away, watching our encounter like a hawk. "Ready to move on?"
"Yeah..." She grabs my hand, leading me over to an anxiety ridden Kurt Cobain. His hands were stuffed in the front pockets of his ripped jeans as his body leans against the hallways paint chipped wall. Greasy red locks hang low over his face, tempting me to push them away once I'm within reach. "He thinks you hate him."
"So I've heard..."
Shelli gives my hand one more light squeeze, looking between Kurt and I skeptically, before retreating back in the direction we came from.
My body felt cold as I gave in, pushing the strands of hair away and ultimately causing our eyes to lock. Chills ran up my spine due to the habitual look that I've grown accustom to in the last two years. "I really fucked up."
"You think?" I hiss, "You fucking died Kurt. You were no longer breathing or conscious; what the fuck were you thinking?" My voice rose an octave as I yell at the red-haired man in front of me. "And that grin? What the fuck was that you cynical bastard?"
His eyebrows raise at my words, but the expression on his face continues to be passive; telling me that he truly wasn't hearing the words coming out of my mouth, only pretending to. "I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know what happened Rose..."
"Bullshit Cobain! Fucking bullshit!" I poke his chest with my pointer finger, feeling my anger beginning to boil over. "You knew exactly what you were doing when you shot up after that interview. Just like you do any other time you decide to put that shit inside your body!" With every word, my voice became harsher. "There are so many people who care about you Kurt Cobain. So fucking many people... None of them would want this for you. I don't want this for you."
His hand reaches out, brushing over my cheek with his calloused fingertips. "I'm sorry."
"That's not enough for me Kurt," I shake my head, "Not anymore... Not after this. You need to get clean, if not for yourself or my begging, then for that little baby that's on the way. If we didn't save your ass, you would've never met her!"
He smirks, "You think it's a girl?"
"It's just a feeling," I groan, "That's not the point!"
One thing Kurt has a knack for is avoiding confrontation, he often uses the skill when in interviews in order to brush off unwanted questions. "Blossom, I'm sorry okay? That's all I can give you right now."
"Rehab Kurt," I scrunch my eyebrows together as the older man tries to once again brush off the topic, "You could go to fucking rehab. Get clean for everyone's sake."
His eyes look at everything but me, obviously trying to concoct yet another excuse. "I don't have time..."
"You have all the time in the world Cobain," I shake my head, "If you truly want to do something, you will make it happen."
Kurt fell silent after the statement left my mouth. "Okay."
"Okay?"
"I'll try to get sober," A pained expression crosses his face, "You can even flush the rest of my shit if you want... I just- you're right Rose."
I didn't give him time to react before throwing my body into his, wrapping my arms tightly around his small waist and tucking my face into his chest. The scent of detergent and cigarettes hit my senses, telling me that he is wearing a new outfit for once rather than the clothes he'd worn the previous day. That familiar underlying scent that I can only describe as 'Kurt' is still there though.
It took the naturally blond man a minute to welcome my sudden display of affection, eyes widening at first before he allowed his arms to wrap around my shoulders. "Someone's waiting for you..."
"I need another second," I whisper into his chest, doing everything in my power to push away my inner fear that Kurt wouldn't go through with his promise to get sober, or even worse relapse and kill himself in the process. A world without Kurt Cobain in it, is not one that I'd want to imagine.
My eyes slide shut due to the comfort I was receiving from Kurt's embrace. I never wanted to let go, and if it wasn't for Courtney and Dave, I wouldn't.
He slowly pulls away, cupping my cheek in his hand before leaning down to press a delicate kiss on my forehead. "Let's head up."
My cheeks heat up as his left-hand slides into my right one, fingers intertwining together as he leads me to where I guess Dave is waiting for me. I couldn't take my eyes off the man next to me though, taking in every aspect of his side profile as he, like Krist, focuses on directions.
While he and I would never work out, I will never be able to deny the lustful chemistry that sparks up between the two of us when we're alone. Like he said... if only things were different.
He turns a sharp corner, pulling me toward a dimly lit stairwell in the corner. "Are you taking me somewhere to murder me?"
"You wish," He winks before stopping at the foot of the stairway. "This is the end of the road for me. Go on."
I hesitate, slightly scared for what is waiting for me on the other side of the door but push through anyways. If Dave is planning on breaking up with me today, I'll take it like a man and break down when I'm alone once again. I really hope this isn't the case though...
My hand reaches for the cold metal handle, eyes darting back to the bottom of the stairs in hopes of getting another encouraging push from the lead singer, but he was gone. "Fuck here we go..."
Soft music and a cold breeze are the first things I notice as the door creaks open, causing my body to shiver. My heart almost stops when I push the door open completely, taking notice of two lines of candles leading away from the doorway. Creating a make shift walkway for me to travel down.
Not a break up, definitely not a break up.
The world around me stops when my eyes lock on the long-haired brunette boy who has my heart. A bouquet of magenta lilacs and white roses in hand as he waits nervously at the end of the lit walkway. His guitar sitting with its case open next to him, along with a portable radio and a rather large blanket.
I don't remember moving, but somehow, I ended up inches away from the godly man. Our eyes never leaving one another's as the distance between us decreased to six inches, if that. A glint of something I didn't recognize crosses his eyes as he stares down at me, handing the flowers over. "I love you."
"Fuck..." I snatch the flowers from his hand before jumping into the boy's arms, giving in to my heart which is currently screaming for him. "I love you so much Dave... I'm sorry."
His face tucked into my neck, lips lightly brushing over the tender skin. "You have no reason to be sorry angel. I just wish you would have said something about Kurt."
"I couldn't," I shake my head as he pulls back, "Courtney made me promise."
A blank expression crosses his face at the mention of the blonde woman, "Next time, don't worry about her. That was something you shouldn't have had to keep to yourself; it's not healthy babe. I was so worried when you stomped off yesterday."
"I should have just come out and said it that morning after my shower..."
His lips lightly press to my forehead, causing electric tingles on the skin that Kurt's kiss did not. "Are you okay? Please be honest with me."
"I'm okay," I confirm, "Right now I am more pissed off than upset about yesterday." As the words leave my mouth, I bring the bouquet of flowers to my face, sniffing them before smiling. If the guy wasn't cheesy before, he really is now...
"Did you know that magenta lilacs symbolize love and passion and that in early tradition, white roses were a symbol for true love?" Nervousness rakes over his body as he tucks both of his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. His eyes dart to his worn black hightop vans as he kicks the ground, "Now they relate more to purity, which we both know you aren't, and sympathy, which I felt suited this occasion."
I purse my lips, watching as his right hand fumbled around in his pocket, "Really? I didn't know that about the lilacs."
"I didn't either until the lady at the flower shop told me," He chuckles, lightening the mood. Something clicks in his head as he stretches a hand out for me to take. "I hope you don't mind being out in the cold for a little longer. I brought another blanket incase."
Without hesitation I place my hand in his, letting him lead me to the large blanket spread over the rooftop. "What's with all the cheesey gestures tonight?"
"Do I really need a reason?" He takes a seat, patting the spot next to him as he unfolds the second blanket that had been conveniently placed off to the side. "You are my girlfriend after all."
Skeptical of his answer, I shoot him a look before shrugging it off. "Whatever you say cheeseball. I'll accept the cute dates if it means I get cuddles."
"You'd get those even if we weren't on a date Pierce." I rest my head on his chest as he throws the second blanket over our bodies, wrapping an arm securely around my body. "Are you sure you're okay?"
Multiple cries for help roll through my head with his question.
No, I'm slowly crumbling away with each passing day!
No, your bandmate kissed me and continues to confuse my head and heart.
No, you're one of the most talented human beings I've ever met, and you don't believe me when I tell you.
No, the band is blowing up so fast that I can hardly keep up.
The list goes on from there but all I can say is, "Now I am."
I don't like this chapter what so ever, but I couldn't just leave it be after Rose stomped off like she did. It would be a big plot hole that would bother me for months lol.
The next chapter is kinda cute. I'm already half way finished with it, so I should have it posted tomorrow night.