"And Tonight I Thank The Stars, As I Count My Lucky Scars"
January 12, 1992
New York City, New York
The never-ending bustle of the big apple was oddly calming on this cold morning, reminding me faintly of Washington D.C. during rush hour traffic. Cars were constantly speeding up and slowing down, wasting gas left and right as the drivers attempt to maneuver through traffic.
I lean up against the balcony railing with my forearms, clutching my winter coat closer to my body as an icy breeze blew past my face. The night had been one where my insomnia flared up, resulting in me staring up at the ceiling for five hours while Dave softly snored at my side.
The two of us had spent our night studying a book about aliens I had discovered while Shelli and I were out having 'girl time'. A better title for the event would have been 'verbally harassing Rose for hiding such important information from her best friend' though.
She wasn't angry, it's my personal health and I can share whatever I want with whoever I want, but she truly couldn't believe I didn't come to her for advice or emotional support.
I sigh, pulling a pack of cigarettes from my jacket pocket, frowning at the sight of Kurt's pack rather than my own. "Shit..." After witnessing one of Kurt's many drug induced episodes at NBC studios yesterday, the two of us went on a short walk around the parking garage in hopes of having privacy.
"I'm getting worried about you Kurt..."
"There's nothing to worry about." His pale complexion and nausea told me differently though.
I stop in my tracks, grabbing the blond's wrist in order to stop him from walking on. "I don't want you to die Kurt. You don't look good."
"Blossom," A giddy smile, obviously caused from his high, appeared on the front man's face. "We all die eventually."
One thing I hate more than anything is talking to Kurt when he's high off his ass. Nothing ever gets through to him in those moments, and recently, that's the only state he has been in when I'm around.
My hand squeezes around the case of Marlboro's, annoyed at my negligence. Now I have to return his shit to him while Courtney is in town...
Or you could just keep them...
I knew it was in my best interest to forget about the pack, call it my own and leave the couple alone, but deep down I wanted to check on the singer after yesterday. Nevermind had officially topped the charts, bumping Dangerous down to number two. That combined with Saturday Night Live, an MTV session, and demanding interviews is enough to make even the most stable of minds crack.
Without a second thought I take a final drag from my cigarette before stubbing it out on the ashtray I'd brought out with me.
Dave was still sound asleep on our bed; his upper body now sprawled out on my side as he clutches my pillow to his chest. It was one of those moments where I wished I had a camera casually laying around to snap photos, but I guess a mental picture is good enough for now....
As the door clicks shut behind me, I can't help but frown at how easily I'm returning to old habits; worrying about others and their well-being more than my own. Jade's faded memory pops into my head, but I shake it away and continue towards Kurt's bedroom door.
"Do not EVER disturb. We are fucking!" The altered sign outside the door makes me laugh, "Good to know..."
My knuckles lightly rap against the door, knowing one half of the happy couple was about to chew my head off for appearing at their doorstep so early in the morning. When there is no response, I knock again, only louder this time.
"Get in here!" The words were spoken before the door was even halfway open. Courtney's perfectly manicured hand wrapping around my wrist as she aggressively pulls me into the shared bedroom.
I couldn't hold back my disgust at the sight of old room service trays and trash splayed across the living area, but all other thoughts were halted once I saw the panicked worry on Courtney Love's face. It was the first time I had ever experienced an expression from the woman that wasn't a scowl. "What's going on?"
"He's... Fuck Rosemary I need your help." Tears were welling up in the woman's eyes and, while it felt good, I ignore her statement about specifically needing my help.
Courtney led me to the rather large bathroom; her tall figure hiding whatever she needed my help with, but when I catch sight of Kurt's poorly dyed red locks on the floor, I thought I was going to vomit right then and there. My hand instinctively moves up to cover my mouth, a wave of instant panic washing over me as I drop to my knees. He wasn't breathing.
"Courtney have you ever dealt with an overdose before?" She turned the fossette on, bringing a handful of cold water down to meet Kurt's face. "I know CPR, but I don't know how long he's been down." She continues to bring the water down as I shift to the side, beginning chest compressions on the singer.
The blonde woman, who I had come to hate over the last year kept silent as she continued throwing water on her boyfriend's face. She was panicking, showing off a vulnerable side that I'd probably never see again. It exposed how much she truly loves Kurt.
Courtney, the strong-willed rocker chick who could beat your ass without batting an eye, fell in love with the little faxed notes I always tease Kurt about sending her. The guy who begged me for money so he could make a long-distance phone call while the two were apart last year. And especially the guy who was the father of her unborn child.
He softens her rigged edges.
I've known for weeks that Kurt has been struggling, taking higher doses of heroin in hopes of getting a high since that his body had become accustomed to his usual dosage. Now that I'm staring down at his pale, lifeless, form on the linoleum floor, I can't help but cry at the thought of our last conversation.
"Fucking come back Kurt," I push harder on his chest as a wave of sadness hits me. The blond man came into my life like a tornado, tearing up the entirety of my house and only leaving the foundation behind. "You aren't dying on our watch."
Courtney throws another handful of cold water on the man's face as I slam down on his chest once again.
For all we knew, his body could have been lying limp on the floor all night, but we couldn't bring ourselves to stop trying. He has a child on the way who needs him, and I know damn good and well Courtney can't do this on her own.
As my fists pound on his chest again a loud gasp erupts from the man, blue eyes springing open as he takes in a few large breaths. I fall backwards, straightening my spine up against the white wall behind me as I stare at the two musicians in front of me.
Courtney looks as if she's seen a ghost, staring down at Kurt in awe as he shoots her one of his signature smiles.
---
By the time I felt mentally capable of exiting the bathroom, Dave had retrieved coffee and bagels from a shop down the street. "I figured I'd bring breakfast to you since I don't have much time before our photoshoot later."
I can hardly bring myself to nod, as I pass by the long-haired brunette in order to throw my dirty clothes in their designated bag. Courtney made me swear not to speak of the events from this morning to anyone, not even Dave, and I didn't want to find out what her 'or else' threat meant.
"Are you okay?" His hand wrapped lightly around my waist, spinning me around so our noses were only inches apart. His big brown eyes scan over my face, a calculating look in them. "Did you get any sleep?"
I shake my head, "No. Just another one of those nights."
"Maybe you should go to a doctor? They may be able to recommend home remedies so you aren't exhausted all the time." Dave's suggestion along with my lack of sleep made me snappy.
I shove his hand away, ignoring the deflated feeling that came with the loss of contact. "I don't need a fucking doctor Dave. I've suffered from insomnia since I was a kid, some days are just worse than others and I don't need you telling me what to do."
"I'm not telling you what to do Rosemary." He shakes his head, obviously taken aback from my sudden outburst. "You just don't look good and I want to make sure you're okay."
I scoff, "Oh thanks. How flattering."
"Rose."
"Dave." I challenge, hands clenching at my sides due to the pent-up frustration that came with the events this morning. Every fiber of my being wanted to be helping Kurt right now, but Courtney kicked me out as soon as her panic dissipated, and she returned to reality.
---
I was scowling at the couple across the way, smiling at one another as if this morning never happened. Watching the other almost die may be their favorite pass time, but I am washed over with anxiety now; wondering if my friend is going to wake up in the morning or not.
"Here," Shelli dropped a warm cup or earl grey tea into my hand before taking a seat on the concrete slab with me. "You're literally in the worst mood ever."
I bring warm liquid to my lips, "Can you blame me? I haven't slept in over twenty-four hours Shelli!"
"Hey, don't get snappy with me because you won't go to the doctor."
Her slip makes my head snap away from the boys, "Why are you and Dave conspiring against me?"
"Well you just dropped the bomb on me that you're infertile Rosemary, so pardon me for being worried that there's something else wrong that you aren't telling me about." The slight bitter tone was all it took for me to get to my feet.
"I'm taking a cab back to the hotel..."
My words caught Kurt's attention as he was walking by, the red head raising an eyebrow at me. "Rose come on. Don't go back by yourself."
"Well it's pretty obvious you aren't coming with me," I spit back and stomp away from the group.
---
The balcony door slides closed, and I couldn't help but smile as a blanket is draped over my shoulders, "Hey Rose Pedal..."
"Hey Kristy," I sigh as he pulls a chair closer to mine. Out of everyone, he is the only person who didn't completely piss me off or send me into a nervous rage today, which I appreciate. "Are you here to lecture me now?'
He shakes his head, "No but Kurt told me what you walked in on this morning... I'm sorry you had to witness that and be a part of it."
"I'm just glad I was there to help Courtney..."
He nods, reaching forward to grab my hand in his much larger one, squeezing lightly. "Rose, Kurt would've come out here himself, but he thinks you hate him. He asked me to tell you he's sorry."
"Shit happens... I know that Krist." I sigh and play with his fingers to occupy my thoughts, "I don't hate Kurt. He's important to me though and that, walking in and seeing his lifeless body on the ground, scared the absolute shit out of me. We had a fight last night, it was stupid, and that could've very well been my last conversation with him."
My eyes are watering by now, "I don't want to lose him as much as you don't Rosie. He's my best friend."
"I just can't help but worry that he's not going to wake up tomorrow morning now..." I reach up to wipe my tears away, sniffling a bit to clear my sinus's. "Or the next morning... Or the one after that."
I let out a shocked gasp as Krist wraps his arms around my waist, lifting me up so I could curl up in his chest. It was his invitation for a shoulder to cry on, and I wasn't going to turn it down. "Your heart is too big for this world Rose pedal. It's going to get broken."
"So I've been told..."
The two of us stay in this position for what felt like hours. Krist lowly humming tunes to a few of my favorite songs while I slowly drift off into a much-needed slumber.