The days following my failed weekend away with Dakota, I was miserable.
All I wanted to do was talk to him and make things right, but he wouldn't respond to my texts or my calls. And in all honesty I couldn't blame him for being upset and not wanting anything to do with me. But it still stung like a bitch knowing that I'd ruined everything between us for a five minute conversation with Dante.
"God, I'm so fucking stupid," I groaned into my hands. The phrase was becoming my new motto with how often I repeated it, usually with something being kicked or thrown across my bedroom or with me trying to rip my own hair out in frustration.
"Harley, trust me," Nathan said. I felt my bed dip from his weight as he sat down next to me. I buried my face into my pillow. "I'm with Jason. I know difficult. But you can't sit and beat yourself up like this."
"He's never going to talk to me again," I muttered into the pillow, not caring if he could hear or understand what I said.
I heard Nathan whisper, "Corian. Help."
I heard her sigh in response and I lifted my head slightly so I could clearly say, "I'm not a charity case. I'm just a selfish, useless moron."
I dropped my head back into my pillow. A moment later I felt slender fingers sifting into my hair and yanking my head back so that I was forced to roll over.
I cried out in protest and glared at Corian and noted that she looked irritated. "One," she said sternly, letting go of my hair. I rubbed my sore scalp. "Suffocating yourself isn't going to get you back in Dakota's good graces. In fact, it will actually kill you."
I scowled at her more deeply when she took my pillow away and hit me roughly over the head with it. I watched her toss it across the room. Corian crossed her arms and I saw Nathan glance at her and then quickly copy her.
I rolled my eyes. "I don't need some vigilante team ganging up on me. Look, I fucked up. I can't get back in Dakota's good graces. He doesn't want anything to do with me. Just let me wallow."
Corian huffed and sat down next to me, shoving my legs to the side to make room for her. She was about as cuddly as a cobra, and equally deadly.
"You wallowing is not only annoying, but it's boring." I glared and she ignored it. "Besides, did Dakota say that?" she demanded and then took my silence as whatever answer she wanted. "No, he didn't. He said you guys needed to take a break."
"Yeah, break up."
"God, he's an idiot," Corian said to Nathan. I gave him a warning look and he held his hands up defensively. "Harley, you just have to give him space."
I sat up, leaning my back against my headboard. I brought my knees up and rested my arms over them. "That's what I'm doing."
"For what, the last four hours?" Nathan asked. I opened my mouth to tell him to fuck off, but he interrupted me. "You only just stopped trying to call him. You've spent three days calling him every twenty minutes."
"I have not called him that many times."
"Close enough," he quipped. "And I know from experience that when your boyfriend is pissed, you back off for a while."
I squeezed my eyes shut and dropped my head down onto my arm. "I don't know how I can fix things."
Corian placed a hand on my shoulder and patted a couple times before taking it away. "When he's ready to talk, he'll reach out. Until then, you have to do exactly what he told you to."
"What?" I mumbled.
"Figure your shit out."
"I already have!" I insisted.
Corian raised a brow. "Oh yeah? Enlighten me, Yoda."
I ignored her piss-poor attitude. "Dante was a mistake. Talking to him that night ruined everything," I said, more as another reminder to myself than to my friends. "I should have told him I wasn't going to meet him out there."
"But you did," Nathan pointed out. "And you did it for a reason. And I'm pretty sure if you relived that moment again you'd do exactly the same thing."
I snorted at the ridiculousness of his suggestion. "I sure as hell wouldn't. Look where it got me."
"Moping like a bitch," Corian muttered.
"You would and you know it," Nathan responded, pretending Corian hadn't spoken.
"Shut up, Nathan," I snapped.
"No, listen the fuck up," he said, surprising me twice over with a slightly rough punch to the chest and his suddenly intense tone. Corian looked proud of him and I frowned, rubbing my chest, but letting him continue. "I get why you went out there and talked to him. You guys needed to have that conversation. You needed closure after all the shit you and Dante shared. But it shouldn't have been in the middle of the night and it shouldn't have happened without you telling Dakota what you were doing."
"I know that now, jerk. But in the moment, I just...I don't know." I shook my head. "He was there and I just went outside. I didn't even think about it."
"Are you in love with him?" Corian asked bluntly.
I blanched. "What the fuck--no!"
She shrugged innocently at the look of horror on my face. "There's nothing wrong with that if you are. But if you are then you need to let Dakota go. He was right, it's not fair to him."
"I do love Dakota, though," I said quietly. It was the first time I'd ever let myself fully think or say those words.
"I think you love the idea," Nathan piped in, sounding bright, as if he'd just hit a jackpot. I didn't appreciate his excitement. "And maybe you love being around him and who he is, but that's not the same as being in love with him."
I felt my confusion mounting. I looked between my two friends. "Doesn't that take time, though? You don't just fall in love right away. Lust, yeah, but..."
Corian softened and she patted my leg. "Sometimes it does...but it usually helps if you aren't already in love with someone else."
"But I don't know if I'm in love with Dante," I said forcefully. Yet even as I said those words, I couldn't help but think that maybe I had spent so long living a lie for other people that I couldn't even realize when I was lying to myself. I scowled to myself, annoyed more than ever at how messed up my relationships had gotten.
My friends exchanged a knowing look that annoyed me even more, then Nathan said, "If you figure that out, and realize that you aren't, I think then Dakota would consider working things out."
"But the two of you can't be dating and trying to force something that you aren't putting a hundred percent of yourself into," Corian finished.
I felt myself deflating as their words sunk in. I slump against my headboard. "Maybe I never should have started anything with him. I've never wanted to hurt him. He's so fucking perfect, guys," I said, feeling myself begin to get emotional. "He's the sweetest guy I've ever met but I've lost track of how many times I've hurt him and I genuinely feel like absolute shit about it. I don't regret being with him. I still want to be with him. I just want to tell him how sorry I am."
"When he's ready to hear it, he'll listen," Corian reiterated, pulling me into a hug.
For the next two weeks, day after day passed without me hearing anything from Dakota. I would pass him in the hallway at school and he would look away. He didn't sit at our usual team table at lunch anymore, either. Instead he and Greyson opted to sit at the next table over where Greyson's girlfriend and her basketball teammates sat.
Every time I saw Dakota, I tried not to look too pathetic or desperate for his attention. I tried my best to focus on understanding that he needed space to think about whether or not he wanted to give me another chance.
I was really starting to worry that he'd just settle on never speaking to me again when the last day of our senior year came and went and our high school graduation was just a day away.
It was a Friday and Corian and I went to the Peninsula shopping center. She was going to get her nails done and then she wanted to search the thrift shop she liked to frequent to try and find something for her to wear under her graduation gown.
I only went because she promised me ice cream.
"Okay, my nail appointment starts in five, so I'm gonna head in there. You coming?"
I made a face and glanced into the salon behind the bench we were sitting on. "No thanks. All the smells give me a headache."
"Guys are so weak. You all say that, but I've never gotten a headache."
I smirked. "Lucky you, you've got nostrils of steel then."
Corian smacked my arm and stood before I could reach out and get her back. I stuck my tongue out and rubbed my arm. "Smart ass. Fine, you can work on your tan out here. I'll meet up with you when I'm done."
I pointed a finger at her. "Then we get the ice cream."
She chuckled and opened the door to the salon. "Then we get all the ice cream you could ask for, sweetie."
As she slipped into the building, I snorted. I checked the time on my phone and deemed that nearly three in the afternoon was definitely not too late in the day to get coffee, so I sighed and made my way down the sidewalk towards the cafe.
I went in, feeling both the air conditioning and the deliciously overwhelming scent of espresso wash over me. I stood in line and ordered my drink--iced because it was summer and fucking boiling--and then went back outside.
I heard a horn blare and as I walked, I snapped my head over to see what the commotion was. Two cars nearly collided at the intersection and I breathed out in relief when they narrowly, but successfully, missed each other.
But then I collided with someone. My fresh cup of iced coffee popped open, splashing all over me and the other person as we stumbled. We grabbed for each other's arms to steady ourselves, and when I looked up, I realized it was Dakota.
My eyes blew wide open and I flinched, my face going red from embarrassment. "Fuck, I am so sorry, Kota."
He looked shocked, probably for a number of reasons, but after a brief moment of awkward silence, I called out for him to wait there. I ran back inside and grabbed a handful of napkins, earning a few quizzical looks from other patrons. Cold coffee dripped down my bare legs and into my socks.
When I got back outside, my abandoned empty cup was on the top of the pile in the recycling can next to the door. Dakota was sitting on the curb in front of an empty parking space. A large part of me was surprised he was actually still there.
I felt my nerves go on red alert as I approached him.
"Here," I said cautiously, holding out the ridiculous pile of bunched up napkins. When he glanced up at me, I almost fell over from shock when I saw that he was laughing quietly. "Are you okay?"
He shook his head, laughter beginning to fade, and grabbed the napkins. He started to clean himself up as best he could with the limited resources, and gestured to the spot next to him, "You can sit."
Self-conscious for just standing there, hovering next to him, I did as he suggested, leaving some room between us. I swiped at a bead of coffee on my leg and grimaced as it clung to my leg hair, getting sticky.
"I'm seriously so fucking sorry," I repeated. "There was this crash--well, almost--and I was looking over there and not--"
"Don't worry," Dakota said, smiling at me. As nice as it was to hear him speak to me and give me that brilliant smile, I was also shaking with anxiety on the inside. I felt like all of my wires were getting crisscrossed. "I was looking over there too. Good thing they didn't get into an accident, at least."
"Yeah," I said, looking down at my freshly stained white socks. "Guess it was just us."
Dakota got up and threw away the soaked napkins. I was still partially amazed when he came back to sit next to me again instead of leaving.
"Must have been karma," he said. "The universe telling me I couldn't avoid you forever."
I bit my lip and glanced at him. He had half a smile on his lips, but his eyes were clouded with thoughts I couldn't read.
"I can leave if you want," I offered, mostly joking, but also hoping he would tell me everything was going to be alright and we could just forget all the bullshit that had happened.
"Don't be stupid," Dakota said, nudging me with his elbow.
I rocked to the side from the momentum, but my lips twitched at his playful behavior. Longing for his company blossomed within my chest. I missed him terribly.
I stared at Dakota's hand on the curb, wishing I could just pick it up and hold it. He cleared his throat and I looked back at his face to see him staring straight ahead, watching the traffic on the other side of the parking lot.
"I'm sorry for ignoring you."
I shook my head. "No, I get it. I've been the worst."
Dakota snorted, looking at me with a smirk. "Maybe a little bit."
I smiled back, hope flourishing in me. I angled my body towards him, wide eyes searching his face as I said, "I miss you. I want us to be what we were, Dakota. I want us to fix things."
"We can't."
His words were blunt and unyielding, striking me like a bolt of lightning to the chest. I stared at him, breathing shallowly, and willing him to tell me a different narrative. That didn't happen.
"It's not gonna work, Harley."
Dakota looked genuinely apologetic. I looked at his hand on the curb again, but this time I took it, clutching at it desperately with both of mine.
"I'm sorry I wasn't a better boyfriend, but we can try harder," I protested, eyes gazing deeply into his.
He blinked and shook his head, dark hair brushing his creasing forehead in the process. "I can't. I've done nothing but try from day one and it still seems like something is off."
"Kota--"
"No, Harley," he said, putting his free hand over both of mine. He swallowed and I could see the sadness in his light green eyes; however, that sadness was situated right beside his resolve, and I knew in that moment that this was it. Something felt like it cracked behind my rib cage and my shoulders slumped.
Dakota spoke delicately as he said, "I feel like you weren't meant to be mine. Everything has been about Dante, Harley, and..." he paused briefly, the short silence painful. "I stole you from him for a little while, and the time we spent together was amazing, but...I can't shake the feeling that it's time for me to give you back."
I blinked. "I'm not an object," I said, feeling indignant.
"No, you're not," he agreed. He looked away for a second or two before meeting my eyes again. "But the two of you are something...uncanny. Perfect in a seriously explosive way. And I can't get between that anymore."
I bit my lip then said, "Dakota, I made my decision. This is where I want to be: with you." I squeezed his hand. "I already made peace with the fact that Dante and I mean nothing to each other."
Dakota smiled sadly at me. "Maybe you have. But I don't think that's the end of it."
"Don't speak in riddles," I told him.
He grinned at my words, but I couldn't match his amusement. He squeezed my hand back once and pulled out of my grip. My hands slumped pitifully against the concrete.
Dakota touched my shoulder comfortingly as I stared floundering at him. "It means I love you, but I need to work on not loving you. I need distance and you need something that isn't me."
His words fell delicately from his lips, as if he thought keeping a gentle tone would lessen the blow. But I just wanted him to take them back.
All I could do was blink at him. Nothing that came to my mind to say seemed to fit and I realized with a jolt of panic that he wasn't going to stick around waiting for me to string a sentence together.
Dakota stood, pulling me up with him and dragged me into a hug. His hand pressed on the back of my head briefly as he held me close. I curled my fingers into his shirt, but as he eventually pulled away, I was forced to let him go.
His lips curled into a tiny smile, his eyes shining in the sun. Then he kissed me on the cheek and turned away, tucking his hands into his pockets. I hated how simultaneously insecure of himself and sure of his decision he was.
I stood there, watching as he walked away and wishing he'd turn around, just look at me once and change his mind. But even if he somehow did, it wouldn't be the same.
His words had been heavy, but they were sincere, and deep down I knew that he deserved much better.
So I didn't call out to him; I didn't beg him to come back like I wanted to.
As I stood there, a small, delicate hand slipped into mine and I heard Corian's voice whisper something reassuring to me—although I didn't catch the words.
Together, we watched Dakota leave.