trigger warning! self harm and violence
BILLIE POV
"Why do you do this to me?"
I slowly turned back to her and gave her a warm smile. "Because I love you".
"No you don't Billie. You don't love me." Confusion took over me. I don't understand why she doesn't think I love her. I continue to walk out of the room to grab some alcohol and tissues.
Something about her cuts made my heart ache. To know that she was and still could be suffering hits me somewhere I didn't even know existed.
Because I'm going through it. It made me feel vulnerable.
flashback
Crimson liquid dripped from my arm to the marble floor. I examined the new cuts that scattered up my arm.
Melissa has been distant with me and it hurt so much. Too much. Violence flooded my brain. I couldn't breathe.
I didn't even have strength to clean up the pool of blood I'm sitting in. Tears stained my face. I raised my hand and slammed it against my thigh, leaving a bright red mark over my old scars. I repeated the action again, sending another painful palm onto my thigh.
"Fuck!" I yelled out, bashing my head against the wall multiple times.
I need my love back.
I was seeing stars everywhere. My head, pounding. I forgot that I needed to give Olivia food and clothes.
To be honest, I really thought I would no longer feel any anger for a while after what I did to her. However, I was mistaken.
I needed more pain.
end of flashback
I shook my head trying to get rid of the thoughts, the voices, my own demons. They never seemed to go away.
Walking back into the room I see Melissa on the bed fiddling with her fingers. As I approach her she flinches back.
Why is she so afraid of me? I love her to bits.
I pour a bit of alcohol onto the tissue and gently dab it on the fresh cut. I could tell that it stung because of the way she hissed in pain.
I lovingly caress her red cheek and resume taking care of the cut.
"I've been there" I confess, breaking the tension.
"What?"
"I've been there" Repeating myself. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath.
"I feel like I'm out of my own body sometimes, but in it at other times. I don't know. People are always saying something is wrong with me, but don't get me the right help and it so frustrating."
She looked into my soul, fully concentrated and taking in every word I'm saying.
"Like, I want to know what's wrong with me too! I'm always told that I'm sick, that I'm some kind of monster. But I don't understand!"
flashback
"Billie, please. We just want to understand-"
"Quit telling me that there's something wrong with me why don't you! And maybe actually fucking DO something about it." I yelled, standing up from my chair and kicking it down.
Fuck the voices are back. The feeling of aggression bubbling to the surface. My parents are nothing but diabolical creatures for sending me here.
The lady tried to reason with me "Billie calm do-"
I pushed her against the wall and slapped her across the face with all the strength I had.
I heard footsteps towards the room.
"Backup, we need backup!"
"Send more people in!"
"Another episode from miss Eilish, room 15!"
The lady yelled in pain. I brought a fist to her face, immediately seeing bright red drops of blood from her nose.
I felt strong arms grip my wrists, trying to fight them away.
"GET OFF! LET GO!"
"Backup! Backup!"
"everything will be fine, Billie"
"I AM FINE!"
"Call more people!"
"STOP!"
"We have a worker with a bleeding nose here"
"LEAVE ME ALONE!"
end of flashback
I realised I was holding my breath and salty tears sparkled in the corners of my eyes. Their voices echoed in my head.
I sent a hard strike on my thigh. "Shit!"
I choked out. Turning back to Melissa, she had a worried look on her face. She wasn't talking. Have I said too much?
"When I feel a certain way, like some kind of uncontrollable anger takes over me. I need to hurt something, hurt someone. If there's no one around me, I'll hurt myself. But does that make me a bad person? Am I a bad person?" I breath out.
I felt weak. It shocked me that I actually said something like that to someone. I've never let myself
be so exposed to someone. Or maybe I've just never had someone to talk to.
I really do love her.
She was about the speak until the doorbell rang. "I'll check who it is love" Kissing her on the forehead and making my way towards the door.
I open it and my blood becomes cold as ice.
flashback
"Mom, dad, Finneas. What is this place?" I looked around in confusion, seeing workers giving me friendly smiles and welcoming waves.
I stared back at them with furrowed eyebrows.
"Hello Mr and Mrs O'Connell. This must be your daughter, Billie Eilish?"
"Mom-"
"Yes it is her. We are really concerned about her and we really just want her to get better" My mom told the worker.
I felt a hand on my back, gradually moving me away from my family. Looking up in confusion at a female member of staff with a friendly smile.
"Don't worry Billie, you will get the help you need" She said.
"But I don't need help" I snapped back at her.
I turned back to my mom who was speaking to the worker.
"From what I have heard, her situation is very different to people we have previously worked with. But please come in every month so you know how she is doing. She will get the help she needs." The worker informed my parents.
"Thank you so much, we are so grateful" They replied.
"Guys, what's happening?" I panicked. They can't be leaving me here by myself. They can't.
"Billie you will be out before you know it" Finneas reassures me. It only filled me up with more fear.
"Don't leave me! Don't go!"
"Billie, please calm down. You will be fine here" says the lady.
They all start to make their way to the front door. "No! What are you doing! Mom, Dad!"
"You can't do this!"
"Come back!"
Tears endlessly streamed down my face.
"NO!"
end of flashback
"How did you-"
"Nice to see you too Billie. It was about time"
Finneas
It's really him. He was really standing at my door right now.
Everything I have gained, now lost.
The battle is over.
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word count: 1123
Might just stop it where shit goes down, and what about it? Thank you for 14k views and thank u for commenting and voting! <3
Please feel free to read back some chapters if u want to so you can remember past events because things are starting to connect with previous chapters.
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