"Oh Well, Whatever, Nevermind..."
August 17, 1991
Los Angeles, CA
"She's a killer queen," I sang lowly to myself as Killer Queen by Queen played through my headphones connected to Dave's Walkman. "Dynamite with a laser beam" It was the first time I have been alone in a while, so I am taking advantage by dancing around the hotel room in my underwear and one of Dave's t-shirts.
The guys were off at morning meetings with their manager to discuss the Smells Like Teen Spirit music video since filming began this evening. It was pretty obvious that everyone is stressed so I offered to stay behind, for my sake and theirs.
Shelli mentioned something last night about getting breakfast, but as far as I knew the girl was still asleep. Exhausted from the long hours in the sun yesterday passing out fliers around town.
My body stiffens when a pair of strong arms wrap around my torso and the right headphone is pushed back slightly, pulling me out of the trance I had been in. "Guaranteed to blow your mind." Dave's soft voice along with the music sent chills down my spine. "Of all things, I didn't expect to come back to the room with this kind of surprise."
"If I knew you'd be back so soon, this wouldn't have been happening." I shudder as his hand cupped one of my breasts, massaging it gently. His lips beginning to also assault my neck with hungry kisses.
"You're so fucking hot Rose," He spun me around, hoisting me up on the nearby dresser so he could stand between my thighs. "Something about you in my clothes is such a turn on." My hands tangle in his hair, hoping to pull his body closer to mine.
"I could say the same to you," Nodding to the familiar Scream t-shirt he'd obviously stolen from my suitcase this morning before he left. "What do you have to say for yourself, Mr.?"
His hand latched around the back of my neck, forcefully pulling my face towards his causing our teeth to clash against one another. We didn't get past him pulling his shirt over my head before a loud knock on the door interrupted us. "Stop fucking like rabbits so we can go guys!"
"Damn it Krist," I mutter trying to slow my heavy breathing. "At this rate I'm never going to get laid again."
Dave brushes a loose strand of hair out of my face, "How do you think I feel? Kurt cock blocks us at home and Krist has the worst timing in the world. I have blue balls Rosemary."
"Novoselic if I were you, I'd leave us the fuck alone for ten minutes." My tone serious as he knocked on the door once again. "Get those pants off we're having a quickie."
---
"How the fuck did I get roped into doing this?" I mutter under my breath to Kurt while motioning to the dark cheerleader outfit I was sporting. "You know damn good and well I'd never be caught dead in something like this Cobain."
Dave chuckles from the leather couch he was perched on across the room. Hands lightly drumming against his thighs as he watched me uncomfortably pull the skirt down, "Awe come on babe. You look... cute."
"Shove it up your ass Grohl," I groan.
Kurt sighs, grabbing the pair of red palm palms from the table in front of us. "Please just do this for us, for me. The last girl is sick, and I need four cheerleaders for the video." His blue eyes were pleading as we held eye contact. "I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important. You know this."
"Just ask them to keep the camera off me," I sigh, snatching the red plastic sticks from his hands. "Also, never ask me to do anything for you ever again."
He did his best to hide his giddy excitement at my response, but I knew he was grateful for how easily I gave in. "You just made the guys day," Dave said once Kurt left the room. "I thought he was going to have a panic attack this morning when the girl called out."
"What can I say?" I brush my hair over my shoulder while crossing the room to straddle his waist, "Saving the day, one degrading cheerleading uniform at a time."
Dave smirked, his hands coming to my waist to help balance me. "I quite like the new get up," He winked, "Easier access."
"Perv," I mutter, smacking his chest.
A shriek escaped my mouth as he pinned me between his body and the couch. "I was born in '69 for a reason baby."
---
"Cut!" The director shouts for probably the hundredth time since we started filming three hours ago. "Kurt can you stop turning away from the camera? We're trying to get a close up."
The look of annoyance on his face told me everything I needed to know. Unlike Krist and Dave, Kurt's introverted nature made him want to avoid being front and center. The label, however, wants him visible for the world; often calling him their money maker.
"Yeah, yeah just run it again," Kurt huffed as everyone returns to their first blocking spots. Dave and I share a look before I took it upon myself to break the scene and walk over to Kurt.
"Damn it cut!" The director was fuming as I placed my hand delicately on Kurt's elbow to catch his attention. "Cheerleader return to your spot so we can get moving!"
Dave slammed a stick on his snare, catching the arrogant man's attention. "Yo why don't you shut the fuck up. That's my girlfriend you're speaking to."
"Kurt?" I did my best to block out the argument started between my boyfriend and the man behind the camera. Solely focusing my attention on Kurt's shaking frame. "Hey," I maneuver myself around so I could face him, "I know you hate this, but I also know you're strong enough to make it through. Don't let a little camera put you in your shell when you're this close."
Our eyes lock, something that always sent chills down my spine, as a ghost of a smile appears on the blonde's face. "Get the fuck out of my face Pierce. We have a video to film."
"Atta-boy," I pat his arm before returning to my spot in front of the bleachers. "Okay we're ready."
The familiar backtrack began playing, Kurt's recorded guitar cueing us to begin our simple routine. I inwardly cringe as the camera pans over me before returning to the boys conducting their fake concert.
It was obvious some scenes were going to be recorded again, but so far this take had been the smoothest. Everyone continued on as the second verse began; the crowd of local punk fans slowly getting to their feet in preparation for bombarding the band in a pit during the chorus.
While the other girls cower away, I giddily join the crowd. Shoving a guy harshly as another ran by to scoop me up over his shoulder. Krist eventually was the one to pull me out, laughing at how energetic everyone had become.
I couldn't keep the smile off my face as Dave threw his sticks to the side, jumping over his kit to join the raging group of teenagers. "This is only the beginning of the legacy of Smells Like Teen Spirit, Krist."
"I get that feeling too..."
---
"You're the best Rose," Kurt pulled me into a tight hug as we all regrouped in the guys' small dressing room. The display of affection caught me off guard at first, but my arms eventually respond and wrap around him. "I really needed that."
I pull away from the embrace first, holding him at arm's length away. "You did it all by yourself Kurt. In the end, you wouldn't have needed me."
Shelli could be seen across the room, snapping photos with Krist at her side. Bringing a smile to my face before I looked back up at Kurt.
The wheels were turning in his head as I once again gave him my full attention, but he stayed silent. Kindly smiling down at me before nodding toward Dave who was watching our encounter, a loving smile on his face. "Go get him Blossom." The blond man winks before retreating to a chair in the corner of the room to have a smoke.
Blossom... That's a new one.
"Everyone loves you," were Dave's first words when I curl up into his side. He leaned down to place a soft kiss on my forehead before pulling me closer to him. "I've got to watch my back before someone tries to steal you away from me."
My chin tilts up to look at his gorgeous face, "Never going to happen. We're stuck with each other, remember?" Our lips meet in a sweet kiss before I rest my head back against his chest, listening to his still rapidly beating heart.
I couldn't help but glance at Kurt sitting alone in the corner. He slowly brought his half-smoked cigarette to his lips, hair messily hanging in front of his face as he breathes in the smoke.
My heart skips a beat when he glances at me out of the corner of his eye, holding contact as he took another drag. A childlike grin forming around the cigarette butt before turning to look away.
What the hell is it about you Cobain?
---
Present
"Send me another," I slid the glass toward the bartender. Some shitty rap song I didn't know was playing over the speakers in the local bar, but I was too focused on drowning myself in booze to make a scene though. "At this point I wish someone would take me out of my misery."
As I feared, reporters and paparazzi alike were waiting outside my apartment when Amy and I left to get groceries. Hounding us with questions all the way to the car. They were still there when we returned two hours later, so I sent Amy inside with whatever needed to be put in the fridge before leaving again.
My phone had been going off for hours, but I sent each call to voicemail. Needing some time to myself where I could just get drunk and forget all of my current problems.
"Here you go," The attractive young bartender I'd been flirting with most of the night dropped my third pint of beer in front of me. A Kind smile on his face before walking away to help another customer.
He was a nice distraction, young and naïve like I once was. I brought the cool glass to my lips, drinking down at least a quarter of the liquid before placing it down to glance around the crowded room. Some attendees were locals I'd seen before on occasion while the rest were a part of the summer tourist gang, sporting shirts from downtown with the city's name on it.
I was about to stumble my way on the dance floor when my phone rang, resulting in yet another groan to escape my mouth. "Will you guys stop calling? I know you are in cahoots with one another. I'm fine."
"Rose?" The familiar voice made my eyes widen. Not expecting his voice to come through the speaker at all, "Is everything okay?"
Of all people to be calling me tonight, I wasn't expecting Taylor Hawkins to be one of them. "Tay? How the hell did you get my number?" When I left in '99 I practically dropped off the face of the earth, changing my cell phone number and convincing Amy to move rooms.
"Butch," His automatic answer made me curse under my breath. Of course, their producer would have my number, we've contacted one another multiple times over the years to discuss working together on projects that inevitably fall through. "I just wanted to check in," His voice gave away how worried he seemed, "And after that greeting, I'm glad I called."
The bar seemed to get louder now that I was on the phone, making it hard to focus on his words. "Give me a second I need to move somewhere quiet." It didn't take long for me to slip out to the mostly empty smoking area. A couple was drunkenly making out in the corner, but I didn't care enough to stop them. "It's good to hear your voice."
"Yours as well." After me abruptly walking out on Dave, I made it impossible for anyone associated with the musician to contact me. Hurting Taylor in the process even though he was one of my closest friends at the time. "I would ask how things are going, but I thinking small talk isn't the way to go. So, what happened?"
And I told him.
Every dirty detail about what I'd been going through since the album was released. "Now they're waiting outside my apartment complex waiting for me to come home Tay... I can't take it."
"My best advice is to face them head on." I leaned up against the wooden fence surrounding the area, "You don't have to talk, but keep your head up when you walk by. Don't let them get anything of substance. Eventually they'll leave you alone or get wild enough that you can call the cops and get them escorted off the premises." We were both silent for a second, me looking up at the dark cloud covered sky as he seemed to be moving around. "I'm sorry this is happening."
"I just never expected this to come out," I state truthfully.
A cold raindrop hit my forehead, signaling the impending storm that was not only about to hit Toronto but also my personal life. "Disco, I mean Dave... He's doing everything in his power to keep anymore information from leaking to the press."
"It's not something we can prevent anymore T." Wind whipped my hair in my face, but I paid it no mind, "I just have to roll with the punches. Accept what I did and hope the accusations don't completely ruin my career."
I heard two small voices in the background, smiling at the realization that Taylor has children of his own. "I'll be up in a minute okay? Daddy's on the phone with an old friend." He chuckled at what was probably their groans. "You still there Rose?"
"You've really grown up Hawkins," It was the first time a wave of happiness had come over me all day. Beyond delighted that everything worked out for Taylor in the end.
When I learned he had overdosed on heroin in 2001 I felt everything had crashed around me once again. Every little detail about Kurt's death coming back to me as I made several phone calls to learn if the blond drummer was still with us.
He chuckles, "You definitely aren't the same girl I met back at Raji's in 1991 either Rose."