"You look so wonderful in your dress
I love your hair like that
The way it falls on the side of your neck
Down your shoulders and back"
I imagined you seeing in that white dress while I'm waiting for you on the aisle. I imagined how gorgeous you are walking forward to me while your dad is beside you. How I flashed a smile on the verge of tears same as you. I can't believe that all of that is happening right now. Then, a memory flashed before my eyes. The time when we're talking about your dream wedding.
"Baby, I want a beach wedding."
You said playing my hands while your body leans comfortably with mine. We were currently in your bedroom where I sneak in because you wanted to see me at 3 am and because I love you so much, I forced myself to wake up and went here just to be with you. You know I can't resist you. I'll do whatever you want to say. I am that whipped for you. Only for you.
I placed a wet kiss on your neck before looking at your beautiful bare face.
"We'll do that then."
I said and started to kiss your neck. You tilted your head to give me more access. Damn! You smelled so good. I don't think I can get enough of you.
"I want our first kiss as a married couple to happen during sunset."
You sounded excited and I am too. I am excited to build a family with you and knowing you feel the same way is making me happy.
You laid out your dream wedding while I'm busy eating you here. But don't worry! I listened and took notes. We will make it come true someday.
"We are surrounded by all of these lies
And people who talk too much
You got the kind of look in your eyes
As if no one knows anything but us"
The start of our relationship is not that easy. Your parents didn't want a man like me for you. So we decided to keep our relationship secret because you're still dependent on your parents. I stayed still and even love you more. You didn't fail to show how much you love me even we're strangers in public but I don't care about that. As long as we're happy in our own world. I'll be fine.
"Should this be the last thing I see
I want you to know it's enough for me
'Cause all that you are is all that I'll ever need
I'm so in love, so in love
So in love, so in love"
I love all of you including your flaws and imperfections. I love every inch of you. Every detail. Every part. I don't even need a fancy wedding just to shout how much I love you because you're a lot enough. You're all that I need.
"You look so beautiful in this light
Your silhouette over me
The way it brings out the blue in your eyes
Is the Tenerife Sea"
You looked so beautiful in that white dress. That's the best outfit you wear in your whole life and that would be imprinted on my mind for a long time.
"And all of the voices surrounding us here
They just fade out when you take a breath
Just say the word and I will disappear
Into the wilderness"
All the people vanished when our gazes met. You have the most beautiful eyes and I will risk everything for you to look at me like that. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, Julie.
"I'm so in love, so in love
So in love, so in love"
The sound of waves, my voice, and my heart beating frantically would be so beautiful to listen if I am the one you'll meet in this aisle.
I stopped singing when you're already in front of the altar. You flashed your beautiful smile that I like the most not for me because I'm not the one you'll marry today. You gave me a sad smile and I gulped preventing myself not to cry in front of you. Your dream wedding is happening but unfortunately, I am not the one who will take you as your legal wife.
Ironic, isn't it? You made your dreams with me came true with another person. I can't blame you though because I'm the one who left. The one who promised to stay, to love you forever, and to make your wishes come true turned her back at you saying he doesn't love you anymore. Whether you believe me or not, that's the only decision I regret my whole life. I still remember it like it just happened yesterday.
I cried my eyes out before I came to meet you at our favorite place we called our own. The overlooking located at Antipolo where we shared a lot of memories. We always went here to breathe some air because here, no one will judge us but us.
You hugged me from behind and kissed my cheek snapping me out of my thoughts. I turned my head meeting your beautiful eyes.
"Hi, baby!"
You flashed your breathtaking smile that I will miss the most. I stood up and sit facing you. I locked you up between my legs then cupped your cheek rubbing it lightly.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?"
You asked worriedly. You have the most expressive eyes. I know every emotion you feel when I looked into that beautiful eyes.
"Let's break up. I like someone else."
I said not looking at you because I know I can't say that seeing you in pain. I might take it back and tell you it's just a prank but I have already decided and that's the only reason I thought of.
"W-what?"
You're surprised. I know that because I'll feel the same when I am in your shoes. It's very random and unexpected because last week, we were so happy together. I even promised to buy you a house with a dog and all that. We planned our future last week but I had to take it all back. We needed to break up because I can't do everything we planned with you anymore. I would love to do that with you but everything is fucked up leaving me with only this choice.
"Moe, look at me..."
You held my chin and motion it to face you. I saw how your eyes water and that broke me but I have to do this. For you.
"Say it again."
I can't. I can't watch you break down in front of me but I have to. This is the price I have to pay for the decision I made.
"I l-like someone else."
I set aside what I really felt and tried to look strong. Tried to look at you wanting you to take what I said seriously.
"What? Why? Am I not enough?"
Your voice is already shaking and the tears started to stream down your face. Your eyes shouted pain. Fuck! I can't look at you anymore. I fucking can't. I don't want to hurt you like this but it's going to be painful if I told you the real reason why I am doing this.
You are enough. You are more than enough but the world doesn't let us be happy, to be the end game and I fucking hate it for that.
"Moe, please... Tell me you're kidding."
You cupped my cheek trying to meet my gaze but I can't look at you anymore. I don't want to breakdown with you.
"I-I'm sorry."
That's the only thing I said. I'm sorry for this shit. I'm sorry for causing you pain. I'm sorry if I can't be with you in the future. I'm sorry if the world hates me to let me die in a few weeks. I'm sorry if I can't say the real reason behind this breakup. If I said that I have a brain tumor, you'll stick with me. You'll stay until I lost my breath. You'll be with me until the end. You'll hold on even if I will leave you alone. I will watch and listen you cry to sleep every night. I will always see you fake a smile every time you will come to meet me on my remaining days. You can smile but you can't hide the pain you're feeling from me. I know you well enough and I will not sit there watching that scenario every day. I will not let you stay because it is inevitable. I will still leave you. So I decided to run away. I decided to make you go away. It will just hurt us both in the end anyway.
I want you to be happy, Julie. I want you to live life to its fullest not minding me sleeping on that fucking tomb forever. I want you to erase me on your heart. I want you to hate me. So that I can leave the world in peace knowing you'll be happy with another person in the end. It hurts imagining you with another person but I hope I am not there anymore to witness that.
"You really break up with me on my birthday? On my fucking birthday where I supposed to be happy because it's another year for me but you decided to break my heart in this fucking day? Can't wait until tomorrow? Or the day after tomorrow? Next week perhaps? But you chose this day. I can't believe you."
She burst out still crying. Fuck! I forgot that it's her birthday today. There are just so many things running into my mind lately. Fuck! Fuck! I'm stupid. So stupid asshole.
"You never failed to surprise me, Moe"
She said forcing a smile and walked away. She stopped close to me facing a beautiful view.
"I FUCKING HATE MY BIRTHDAY!"
She shouted making me walk to her. I hugged her from behind and apologized again. There are no tears streaming on my face anymore. I guess there are no more left tears to cry. Just a heart currently shattering.
She held my hand only to remove it and looked at me with a fire in her eyes. I did that. I made her mad.
"Take your sorry with you. I don't need it."
She then walked into her car leaving me alone there. I messed up big time. Shit!
—
3 months before the wedding
Gray, the guy who became my best friend in US went to the Philippines a year ago and then he's suddenly getting married. I didn't know who's the unlucky girl yet because he said it's better to meet her in person. So, I will see her today to help her choose a wedding gown. I know I don't know about dresses but I agreed. He said that her girl doesn't have a friend to accompany her because they are all busy. So here I am driving to the nearest coffee shop first to get some coffee before going to the said place when I saw the woman I love standing outside the coffee shop holding the frappe she used to drink every morning. I guess nothing change with her except for the fact that she looked more beautiful today.
I completely shut out from them after we broke up. I did not go to school right after because what's the point? I'll be dead in a few weeks anyway. I tried my best not to contact any of our friends. I didn't let them know what's happening to me. I stayed in our home in Batangas before going to US where my parents are. I didn't hear anything from you after I made you hate your birthday and as much as I want to see you, I stopped myself from doing that but it doesn't mean I didn't think of you every second of the day. I missed you a lot but we're better this way. Seeing you now brought everything back. The longing, the misery, the pain. Most importantly, the love I have for you that didn't go away.
I decided to stop my car in front of you to approach you and to talk with you. I fucking missed you so much it hurts.
"Julie."
I removed my sunglasses and called you. You looked at me and when our gazes met, my heart beats frantically. The effect is still there. Do you feel it too?
"You look like you're waiting a bit longer there. You want to ride with me?"
I asked. She's not the type that is fast in drinking her coffee and I think my guess was correct knowing she accepted my offer that quick. She doesn't like to wait.
The drive is awfully quiet. No one dares to talk. I can't even say anything because this is unexpected. I expected to see her when I came back but I didn't think that it's today. I am not ready but we are all not ready until we come to that moment right?
"Julie..."
I called her but before I complete my statement, she said the place she's going to not giving me a glance. I don't understand how fate works but I'm believing in it now because we're going to the same place.
When we got there, you looked at me for a moment, said your gratitude and stepped out of the car. I turned off the engine and followed you.
"Good morning ma'am Lianne!"
The woman greeted her. What? She changed her name? Fuck!
The world is really playing tricks on me huh. I didn't know that fate hates me this much to torture me for 3 months. Is 3 years doesn't enough yet? You really give another set of torture to me? Fuck you!
"And to you too, sir! Follow me."
You followed her but I can't move. I can't feel my body anymore. All I can feel is the pain stabbing in my chest and the tears wanted to come out but I composed myself because I came here not to breakdown.
She sat down on the couch scanning the magazine full of wedding gowns. I sat down beside her but she didn't even look at me. I guess my plan worked. She hated me and she still does.
"So you're getting married huh."
She nodded still not looking at me.
"Funny enough. I'm your husband's best man and wedding singer."
I forced a laugh but she's still not giving me even a glance. Does she really hate me until now? It's been 3 years. Can't blame her though. I even love her until now.
"Ma'am just call me if you found one."
The woman said but I stopped her from leaving saying,
"She already found one."
She finally looked at me but quickly averted her eyes to the magazine she's holding.
I get the wallet from my pocket and took the paper I always bring with me. It's the sketch of her dream wedding gown which was drawn by her. It's the only thing that reminds me of our almost. The only thing I keep but I am letting it go now since it's your dream that was about to come true. It's ours but now just yours. I let go of it the day of your birthday right? I let go of you and that includes our future plan together.
"You still have it."
She said looking at it. She gets it from me and studies her masterpiece. She then gave it to the woman leaving us there.
"Do you still hate me?"
I asked earning her attention.
"Where did you go? You just left not giving us any sign. We are all so worried about you."
She said. I guess I have to tell her the truth now that she deserves to know since then. I am just stupid enough to lie and coward not to face her when the truth came out.
"I went back to US to see my parents on my supposed to be remaining days."
I said remembering the time I accepted my fate of dying earlier than I expected but I was wrong.
"What do you mean?"
She said turning all her attention to me. She closed the magazine and placed it on the table. She furrowed her eyebrows waiting for my answer.
"I was diagnosed with brain cancer here. That's why I broke it up with you. There's no someone else. I just made it up because I thought it's way better than seeing you in a lot more pain. That's why I shut you all out. I know you deserve to know but I wasn't thinking straight then. That's the best choice I thought of. Then, I went to US to spend my remaining days there when my parents decided to hold on to me. We went to a hospital there for the reason that they didn't want to believe that I'm dying and they are correct. I am not dying yet. My record has been switched to another patient and we already sue the doctor for doing that fucking mistake."
I confessed leaving her shocked.
"Why didn't you come back then?"
"I became scared. I can't take back what I said, can I? You won't believe me."
I smiled at her and I can see the tears forming into her beautiful eyes.
"You should have tried."
"I thought of it too but I am a coward jerk and we can't change the past now... Look at you! You're getting married. If I came back, you wouldn't be as happy as you are right now."
She then burst into tears. I hugged her immediately and cried with her. The tears streamed down fast as they were waiting for this moment to come.
We stayed like that until she stopped. I let go of our hug and said,
"I love you still, Julie but I am not here to get you back. I already lost my chance. I just want you to know things you should have known since then."
I confessed and gave her a sad smile.
"You are still tiny by the way."
I commented earning a glare and a light slap from her making me chuckled.
"Can you do me a favor? I know this is too much to ask knowing I've hurt you a lot but please? Dance with me before I completely let you go."
I said with pleading eyes hoping she will agree. She nodded making me smile.
"Can you at least wear a wedding gown while I wear a suit and tie? I just want it to be the last happy memory I have with you. It would not be our wedding at least I dance with you looking like one. Would that be okay?"
She nodded. We stood up and went to the fitting room to change our clothes.
"Tell me is it really hard to see
That you make it so hard on me
But go ahead and sting me with your lips
'Cause you're just about to kill me
Won't you set me free"
The music started playing on the shop and the lyrics is just exactly things I want to say to you.
"But give me one more glance as you walk away
Smile like everything's gonna be okay
When I'm needing you again
I'll see you in my head
I'll remember as if everything's always just the same"
We met halfway and fuck everything now. You looked so beautiful in that white dress. You outsold every woman who wears that.
"You're so beautiful as always."
You smiled on my compliment. God! I missed that breathtaking smile I left for the fucking stupidity.
"I know that I've been cruel in my selfish way
I'm looking like a fool in the end
I'm sorry if I hurt you oh baby
Baby please just talk to me
Looking like a fool
Gotta get away from you
Oh tell me what do I do oh"
When we stood so close in front of each other, I studied your features I miss the most. You still look the person I left. Still beautiful and breathtaking but you're glowing and I know I'm not the reason anymore.
"In your eyes nose lips
The way she used to touch my skin
Your head down to your toes
It's like you're standing right in front of me now
Though the light's gone darker now
You've just gone way too far I'll keep you in my heart
Though it kills me to say it now
Baby I'll get over you"
I cupped your cheek causing you to close your eyes feeling my touch. Shit! How am I supposed to let you go? How to unlove you? I didn't know I miss you this much.
I pushed your head to my chest and cried. This is the last time that I will hold and touch you. This is going to be the last time you'll feel my heart beating frantically because of you.
I swayed us a little as I sang the song. You held onto my suit a little tighter and you're shaking. You're crying too. I made you cry again.
"Baby I just love you so much
But I guess it wasn't enough
Can I see you once again
Cause I'm dying from this pain oh
Take me out of the way
Never thought I would be one to cry
But you were always there standing by my side
In our pictures, you and I in love until we die
Now imagining that we would be ones to say goodbye"
I pulled off the hug and watched you cry. I wiped your tears still singing.
"I know that I've been cruel in my selfish way
I'm looking like a fool in the end
I'm sorry if I hurt you oh baby
Baby please just talk to me
Looking like a fool
Gotta get away from you
Oh tell me what do I do"
I felt like an idiot not going back to face you. I felt bad for being a coward. If I just came back immediately, maybe just maybe we still have a chance.
"In your eyes nose lips
The way she used to touch my skin
Your head down to your toes
It's like you're standing right in front of me now
Though the light's gone darker now
You've just gone way too far I'll keep you in my heart
Though it kills me to say it now
Baby, I'll get over you"
I placed my hand on your waist while I locked yours on my nape and then we began to dance. This is going to be our last dance. Last touch. The last feeling of being with you. The last warmth. The last of our comfort zone. This is going to be the last and it's breaking my heart thinking of you being with someone else. I wished this right? I wished you happiness and looked for another person who will make you happy and it's now happening. My wish came true but I'm not happy because I wished it without knowing I will witness it. Sadly, I'll be with you for 3 months. I will witness every little thing you do with him that you did with me before. A fucking torture, right?
"The way you used to look into this heart of mine
And the scent that you left all over my room
I love you I love you
Come back to me don't leave me all alone"
I can't ask you to be with me now even though I really love to do that. I don't want to mess things up again. You're happy now. I should be happy too because your happiness is more important to me. But that would be a difficult process.
"In your eyes nose lips
The way she used to touch my skin
Your head down to your toes
It's like you're standing right in front of me now
Though the light's gone darker now
You've just gone way too far I'll keep you in my heart
Though it kills me to say it now
Baby, I'll get over you"
"I'll get over you."
I said looking at her. I inched closer and placed my forehead unto hers. I felt her heavy breathing due to crying too much. She still smelled good.
"Julie, I'm sorry I came too late. I missed you so much."
She closed her eyes and a tear fell down on her cheek. If I stopped thinking of what-ifs back then, are we still going to be together? But scratch my stupidity. It's already done. All that's left is heartbreaking regret.
This moment, I stopped thinking of the past, present, and future because I want to feel you again. I needed it. Push me away or not. I don't care anymore. This is impulsive but after what I've been through, I'm not letting this chance pass. Fuck Gray. Fuck your marriage. Fuck my stupidity. Fuck everything now. It's just you and me for now. Just this once.
I kissed you and surprisingly, you kissed me back after a while. Do you still love me too? Why are you kissing me back? So many questions are running into my mind but I will not care about them. I will not ruin this moment of feeling your soft lips on mine again.
"This is wrong."
You said when you pulled away. I know this is fucking wrong but I wouldn't miss it for the world.
"Goodbye kiss, eh?"
I said in a kidding manner. She looked up to me and I can see the sadness in her eyes. She still has the expressive eyes and nothing changed. I still can read them.
"I wished you happiness, Julie."
I forced a smile, not for me. But for her.
"I love you still but I'm okay. I will be."
I will try but what's the point in trying when I will spend more time with you for 3 months? I guess I can love you from a distance then. After this, I'll try my best to move on from you but I will never forget you. You're my greatest love.
"But this is not goodbye yet. I'll still be around and it's better if we keep to Gray that we had a past. I am not here to mess everything up. I'll leave after your wedding."
"You're leaving again?"
She asked curiously. I nodded and said,
"I will go back to US. I will remember you wherever I go here. We have a lot of memories here and that won't help me move on. But always remember Julie, you're my greatest love. I will never forget you."
She's just listening to me intently. I then added,
"We'll make your dream wedding come true. We already planned this together right? I promised to be with you every step of the way. So here I am except that I will not the one you'll meet in the aisle. But I will be there. I will sing for you."
"Moe..."
"I want to do this, Julie. It will be painful but I want to. At least I have the chance to watch you walk in your dream wedding dress."
—
Present
"Okay! Let's start!"
The priest said snapping me out of my trance. That's my cue to leave there but I waited for her to look at me.
"Be happy."
I mouthed and left. I don't think I can handle watching the whole ceremony. I don't think I can handle watching you kissed him as the sun met the sea which we planned together.
I hope you'll be happy with him. That's the only thing I wished for even before the time I supposed to be dead. But I am not. I am here watching as you go on to another chapter of your life that's not with me. Just be happy and I'll be happy too. I should be.
The end.
Featured songs:
Tenerife sea - Ed Sheeran
Eyes Nose Lips - Eric Nam