A/N: Okay I’m getting scared for the ending, I’m not sure if I should make it happy or sad??/?/??//?
Okay so BiG thinGS happen in this chapter, prepare yourself.
ALso there's only one more chapter and then the epilogue. Thanks so much to everyone who's been here since the beginning, and everyone who just tuned in. All of you reading the shite I produce makes me so happy I can't describe.
As always; much hugs and love to my babe Emily, and several large spoons for Ashton //coughs// dork.
The songs that inspired this chapter are If They Knew by Sew Intricate and All Signs Point To Lauderdale by A Day To Remember.
Read n00bs
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Today was it.
I sat up, staring blankly at the clock that flashed the time: 3:00, in green digital lettering. My mind whirred while Lonnie breathed gently against the back of my neck, completely out. He had no idea what today would bring. But I did.
It was Monday and in approximately two hours, I would have to get up, paint on a smile, and face the music. Music that I assumed sounded rather like a funeral march.
I didn’t want to lose Lonnie. Not after all we’d gone through. I didn’t hurt so bad just to end up alone again.
But I knew that in the end, it was not my choice. I had deceived him, and now I would face my sentence.
Though, in another light, I was so grateful for the time I had with him. I was so grateful for the arms he wrapped around me when I was weak. My heart throbbed with love whenever I thought on all he had done for me in such a short period of time.
He saved my life.
For two hours I laid there, agonizing. Until Lonnie stirred, and began trailing sleepy kisses up the back of my neck.
“School today baby boy,” he murmured against my skin, “time to get ready.”
I turned my head and kissed him tenderly, before stretching and practically flopping out of bed. Lonnie’s cute giggle made me blush, and he cooed.
“Awh baby you’re so adorable when your cheeks are all red like that,” he babbled, “I want to wake up like this every morning.”
I stuck my tongue out at him, but stayed silent, gathering my things to get ready while Lonnie made a fort out of the sheets.
“Loser,” I chuckled as I strode into the bathroom.
“A loser that makes you whimper like a girl,” he winked, and my face flamed.
“Yes! More blushies!” he gushed, fist pumping.
I just shut the door.
Quickly, I undressed and redressed, not feeling like adding dysphoria to my list of things to deal with.
I styled my hair in under five minutes, so it was still slightly mussed.
I backed up, appraising myself.
My gray Of Mice And Men sweatshirt hit just to my upper thighs, which were covered by a pair of black skinny jeans with rips in the knees. I played with the edges of my overly long sleeves and focused on the rest of my outfit. A pair of black and electric green DC skater shoes encased my feet, which I shuffled nervously on the tile.
“You can live through this,” I told myself firmly, “it probably won’t end well, but you can deal. Man up.”
It felt like I was going to war as I stepped out of the bathroom and faced my boyfriend; who was gorgeous as usual.
“Yo,” he greeted cheerfully, flapping the ends of his black sweatshirt sleeves at me.
I rolled my eyes and stepped closer to take his warm hand in mine.
“You ready?” he asked.
“Yeah I suppose,” I replied vaguely.
We bid farewell to a sleepy Jesse and Mason, and stepped out of the apartment to the bus stop.
I was fidgeting nervously, tonging my lip rings and clenching my free hand into a fist every so often.
“It’ll be okay babe, I’m here for you,” Lonnie said sweetly.
Not for long, I thought bitterly to myself, but kept quiet.
He leaned down and kissed me slowly, tenderly. I immediately melted into him, just as the bus rounded the corner and stopped in front of us.
“Faggots!”
“Ew emos!”
Here we go. Sup high school, did you miss me?
Surprisingly, no one on the bus recognized me, so that was a breath of relief for me. I wouldn’t be outed just yet.
I pulled out my phone, popping my headphones in my ears as I kissed Lonnie goodbye, and went to first period English.
My trip down the hallway actually did result in several up close meetings between my face and the floor. Apparently, being a ‘tranny’ affects literally everyone around you and is offensive to their sensibilities.
Confession; the only reason I knew the word ‘sensibilities’ was because of Dr. Phil.
My feet came to a shuddering halt in front of a closed classroom door, with the name, “Mrs. Burlow” printed on it in fancy old-English script. By this time, the hallways were practically abandoned.
“Oh look, a tumbleweed,” I muttered sarcastically, steeling myself and pushing open the door.
The entire class of twenty seven people turned their heads in my direction, jaws dropping in synchrony.
“Can I help you, Mr…?” Mrs. Burlow questioned, raising an overly penciled eyebrow above her horn-rimmed glasses.
“Mrs. Burlow, that’s Renee,” a boy shouted from the back of the class. I shot him a look that promised death, and turned to face the teacher once again.
“I’m Renee Winters, I’m late,” I said in an aloof tone, fixing my expression to match the boredom of my voice.
She pursed her lips as she appraised me, before she gestured for me to find my seat and hell began.
Normally I would be thrilled to go to English; as it was my favorite subject. I excelled at it, and always got straight A’s. Somehow I had a feeling that was about to change.
The rest of the class was stereotypical; right out of a movie on bullying. From the 90’s.
Spitballs and jeering and poking, oh my!
Suffice to say I was relieved by the end of it.
Unfortunately, the next class period was the one I was dreading the most. It was Chemistry, and it was the class I had with Lonnie.
“Worthless,” someone mumbled as they slammed their shoulder into me. I stumbled, falling backwards, shocked to see that when I looked up, I saw the face of an old friend.
“Daniel?” I asked, shocked, seeing his attractive face twist with disgust.
“What happened to you Renee?” he sneered, “You’re fucking disgusting. Now you’ve really done it. You always pushed boundaries, and I admired that, but now you crossed the fucking line. No one will love you. Fucking abomination.”
And then he spit at the floor next to where I was laying and left.
I slowly collected myself and pulled up to my feet, continuing down the corridor to chemistry.
“You’re disgusting,” whispered one girl.
“Oh my god isn’t it that transsexual,” another girl muttered to her friend, who nodded and cringed.
“She thinks she has a dick,” a football player laughed at me.
I snorted bitterly to myself and continued walking. The sensation of the jeers and taunts was one I still can’t aptly describe. It felt like I was in the middle of a black hole, the air being sucked viciously from my lungs too quickly for me to comprehend. The people around me appeared to grow substantially, becoming ten feet tall and gaunt, their faces cruel and severe. The hallway was a battleground and I was being assailed with bullets, being shredded through by switchblades, and finally torn to shreds by bombs. There was no escape.
The classroom came into view and I breathed a sigh of relief only to suck it back into my screaming lungs.
Lonnie smiled at me in the carefree way of his. He had waited outside the classroom for me, even though his last class was next to this one.
And against my will; I beamed.
“You okay babe?” he asked, concerned, as I walked up to him.
“Can we skip the first few minutes of this class?” I begged in desperation. I needed some time with him before it was over for good.
“Sure love,” he responded worriedly.
I seized his warm hand in my cold one, and tugged him into the nearest janitor’s closet. Once inside I sank to the floor, and he sat down next to me.
“Baby what’s wrong?” he sounded scared as his arms came to wrap around my waist.
“People are mean,” I choked out.
“What did they do?” his voice somehow managed to sound fretful and harsh at the same time.
“I just…I don’t know. What did I ever do to them..? I don’t deserve this, right?” I spilled over emotionally, begging for him to help me.
“You never deserve any negativity for being who you are,” he said firmly, kissing my on my right temple, “you’re lovely darling, don’t let anyone make you think otherwise. Be loud and be proud.”
“What matters most is how well you walk through the fire,” I muttered to myself. Thank Lucifer for Charles Bukowski.
I sucked in a shuddering breath and nodded to Lonnie.
So together we walked out of that closet, and into the classroom.
I was sure I’d be leaving broken.
I was right.
“Ooooo look the tranny boy,” someone jeered.
“God made you a girl, you’re so ungrateful,” a girl sneered at me.
“Faggot,” another person laughed.
I whipped my head to look at Lonnie, and my heart shattered and surely punctured my lungs.
The blood had drained from his face and he looked horrified, disgusted.
I choked on the air I tried to breathe in, but I couldn’t function. I gagged, my vision going black at the edges. My whole being went numb and fuzzy, centered at the place where my bleeding heart lay dying.
Everything seemed to move in slow motion as Lonnie turned to look at me, his face ashen. His lips moved as if he was about to say something, and time sped up again as I screamed.
“I can’t help how I am! How come everyone is so set on making me want to die? It’s not my FAULT!” I sobbed and whirled around, running from the classroom.
I found another janitor’s closet and collapsed, sobbing in a heap.
Nothing was okay anymore.