Nyctophilia: (n.)
LoVe Of DaRkNeSs Or NiGhT. Finding relaxation or comfort in the darkness.
NIGHT TERROR
How is it that a dream of such nature could hang here in my heart, suspended here — twirling, turning, blinking — like eyes in the sun? A once shadowy dream — now more real than my flesh, more real than my own beating heart? ~ Segovia Amil
Valentinia:
Past (1 year and 10 months ago).
"Ladies and Gentlemen, as we start our descent, please make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position. Make sure your seat belt is securely fastened and all carry-on luggage is stored underneath the seat in front of you and the overhead cabinets. Thank you." The intercom sounded loudly from above me, startling me awake from my slumber.
My eyes were wide in shock, not quite prepared for the dramatic awakening. I yawned, stretching my hands above my head, before grabbing the seatbelt and attaching it securely and tightly.
Looking over at Katy, I notice she's too fumbling around fastening her belt. Her eyes caught mine and she gave me a small, encouraging smile.
Which, surprisingly calmed my nerves slightly. Relaxing back in my adorned seat, I prepared for the turbulence we would experience while descending to our final destination.
"Flight attendants, prepare for landing please."
"Cabin crew, please take your seats for landing." The same emotionless voice astounded above me from the overhead speakers.
My hands gripped the sides of my chair firmly, my nails digging into the plush leather. In which, created crescent moon-like indents.
I could feel my heart thumping in my ears, I closed my eyes. Trying to imagine myself in a safe place, not on a plane that could crash at any moment and kill me and the other passengers on this aircraft.
Wow. Positive thoughts. My subconscious snided, sarcastically.
I exhaled, whilst shaking my head. She's right, I'm being silly, overthinking as per usual.
I could feel the rotation of the aircraft, as it slowly took its descent vertically downwards.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Heathrow Airport. For your safety and comfort, please remain seated with your seat belt fastened until the Captain turns off the Fasten Seat Belt sign. This will indicate that we have parked at the gate and that it is safe for you to move about."
And then we were safe. A large exhale I was unaware that I was containing exited my lungs.
I waited impatiently until the red light flicked off above me from the miniature control panel. And when it did, my hands shook to unlock my restraint.
Jumping up from my seat, I twisted my body to its side so I could shuffle myself out of the tight space of the aisle.
Grabbing my carry on luggage, which was merely a rucksack. Containing my mobile, wallet and other small necessities.
I, as some would describe my actions as rude 'pushed' my way through the horde of passengers, until I met the entrance door of the airliner.
Not even checking to see if Katy was following me, I ran to the nearest bathroom in the airport.
Shoving the door open I rushed into a stall, not even locking the door before me and hurled myself on my knees.
Before emptying the contents of my stomach...bile, into the toilet. A few seconds later, nothing else was arising.
I was just dry heaving. Causing my throat to become sore and dry.
My lips were painfully dry and cracked and I was sweating profusely. Breathing heavily.
I leant back from the bowl, leaning my head against the petite cubicle. Breathless. Fatigued.
I was so tired. I breathed a small breath, feeling my eyes slowly closing.
When suddenly, I realised where I was. I was in a f*cking bathroom in an airport about to take a lovely afternoon nap.
What was I thinking? What is wrong with me? I have no shame these days. I thought, baffled with my close actions and pondering why my standards are so low.
Pushing myself up from off of the tiled floor, I stumbled slightly. So, stopping a second, I gathered my bearings.
And then a second later, I took my steps carefully until I reached the faucet.
Twisting the cold tap, I splashed it onto my bland face. Looking up from the basin, I caught a glimpse of my profile in the mirror adorning the wall ahead of me.
A small cry left my lips, I looked like a corpse.
I feel pitiful for the people who had-have to look at me.
My eyes weren't even blue anymore, they were grey. My cheekbones hollow. No colour. Just pale.
I laughed. I looked like Casper the ghost. Ahh, I don't know why I find that humorous.
Frowning at my reflection, I pointed an eyebrow. It appeared as if another person was standing directly across from me.
That they were mirroring every action, a facial expression I manipulated onto my face.
But, this. This person. This girl was the new me and I'm going to embrace that.
I'm going to become healthy again, build my strength. And live my bloody life the way I should have been before.
No more holding back.
So, staring my reflection deep in its orbs, I clenched my jaw as if I was challenging it.
I smiled. Grabbing my bottom lip between my teeth, I turned on my heel and left the bathroom with only the echo of my footsteps allowing anyone to know of a presence.
It's weird. I felt oddly powerful. I don't know why it's because of what I just vowed to myself. Or because I'm in a completely different country to him.
But, whatever it was, I hope it continues. Because for the first time in I long while, I feel like I hold the sovereignty.
And that felt f*cking good.
***
Currently, I was collecting my luggage from the conveyer belt. Which consisted of an overnight bag.
Still not having found Katy, I figured I would just wait here. Patiently.
Until I saw her head of blonde hair frantically turning. Searching.
"Merda!" I muttered, lowly.
She's going to have a flipping heart attack if I kept pulling stunts like this.
Rushing over to her direction, I stopped in front of her and said.
"Katy. I'm here. I'm so sorry. I didn't-" I began my training, but she cut me off with a raise of her hand and a shake of her head in disapproval.
Her eyes were red, as if she had been crying. Making me feel all the more guilty than I do already.
"We'll talk about this later, we can't do it here. You should know the risks of wandering off on your own by now Valentinia. Follow me." She lecturer, before grasping ahold of my hand and walking towards the entrance of the airfield.
I
My steps were slow in comparison to hers, which led to me almost tripping a few times.
I have two left feet I tell you.
We finally made it to the two sliding doors, people swimming frantically. Children running unsupervised.
How easy it would be to snatch up a fully grown individual, never mind a child. I thought, shaking my head at the irresponsibility.
The incessant screaming and shouting were deafening, which caused me to try and shield my ears.
It came to me that, after all this time of being in an almost silent solidarity it felt as though all my senses had been heightened.
"Valentinia, come now." Katy said, dragging me to a blacked-out SUV.
Upon climbing into the car, I noticed that it had my father's license plate engraved onto its front and back.
My teeth clenched at the mere thought of him. It's not like I've got anything to go back too. Nothing's changed. Well, they haven't.
You know, a couple of days ago I was excited to go back home. To see my parents.
To maybe be treated like their daughter. For them to care about me, to be there for me. To love me.
But, I should have known it was too good to be true. That there was hope that they could treat me as their child.
I know they work hard to get what they have, but they've got money. So much.
Why do they need more? Why am I not enough? I used to ask myself, but now I know.
The answer is greed. It's like an addiction, they can't just stop because that cycle continues. They want more and more and more until things no longer exist around them.
They only care about being the best.
Hmm...that sounds are familiar. Pondering on my thoughts.
"Katy?" I said, turning to face her in the plush leather seats.
"Yes, Valentinia." She replied, still using my full name.
I slumped back in my seat, before asking.
"Are you mad at me?"
She's frustrated with me for leaving again without her. I mean I don't blame her, I would be too.
I chewed upon my lip aggressively, waiting for her response.
She sighed, before responding in a calm voice.
"No Nia, I am not mad at you. Not at all. Am I frustrated that you just disappeared again? Yes. Very much. I just can't stand the thought of losing you again, the pain I experienced whilst you were gone..." She shook her head, looking away.
"I don't think you'll understand." Oh, you'd be surprised.
"It was crucifying, Valentinia. But, most of all I was mad at myself, for not realising that something was wrong-" She brokenly uttered, burying her head in between her fragile hands.
Unclipping my seatbelt, I scooted over to her. Grabbing her face within my palms, I made sure to hold it firmly so she knew the seriousness within my next words.
"Don't you dare. Don't you dare blame yourself, Katy? How were you supposed to know? Even I didn't recognise anything unusual. If anything, I'm at fault. For appearing so vulnerable and ignorant to the world that I was the easiest target.
But, I promise you, I've learnt my lesson." I stated, bewildered by her assumptions.
Trust me...I have well and truly learnt it. I thought, suddenly feeling faint.
My hands begun to cramp from the grasp of the hold I had on Katy's facial profile. Therefore, I let them drop into my lap and at that moment I swear that as they fell all the energy left my body.
Shivers racked through my frame, like the aftershocks of an earthquake. The drop in temperature surrounding me was astonishing.
Katy seemed to have noticed a shift in the atmosphere too, as she straightened in her seat.
She looked at me, grabbing my shoulders. Appearing panicked, her expression ghostly like.
"Hey, Nia what's wrong? You've gone pale. Are you sick? Are-" She bombarded, her eyes frantic with what one would describe as worry.
I silenced her by a shake of my head, before answering.
"Tired. I'm just tired. I'll be fine in the morning." I assured her, giving her a petite smile.
Before, turning to face the window. The vivid imagery of the surrounding environment, scenery passing by in which appeared to be fast-moving.
However, the hasty speed of the cars acceleration contradicted my animated imagination.
The journey was what I would describe as peaceful, therapeutic. The soft humming of the engine, slowly lulling me into a slumber like an angelic lullaby.
Nothing was angelic about the upcoming years of my life and I was soon going to discover that.
***
"Miss Capo we're here." My head snapped to the driver as soon as that name left his lips.
I was shocked, to say the least.
It's been so long - too long since I heated anybody say my name accurately.
But, is it accurate though? You are legally married. My subconscious interrupted my moment of content.
And with that she dampened my mood, with her truthful declarations.
"Miss Capo?" The driver in which I had never seen, nor met before repeated.
His hand hung outstretched for me to take, however, ignored his gesture, stood up and walked right past him.
That was until I came to standstill in the pathed area before the entrance doors of my house - my old house.
"Miss Capo, of you will...?" He said, nodding towards the building before me.
Grabbing my luggage out of his hands on the way past, I say.
"Thank you, but I am capable of carrying and doing things myself."
He appeared shocked by my actions and words, standing there for a moment before he realised that I was a few steps ahead of him.
My steps were slow and slightly reluctant; my feet dragging across the paved ground.
It just feels so surreal that I'm here right now. I've dreamed of this for months. To be home. Safe.
But, right now I don't feel as I hoped that I would. I thought that this would be the antidote to my anxiety.
However, it's not, it's done nothing but provoke an immediate feeling of undesire.
Stood outside, it feels as though I'm a stranger entering a forbidden place. I hate that feeling.
On the other hand, everything appears the same as it did in the past. Nothing different. Nothing visibly altered.
Strange. Strange, is the only adjective I can use to describe it.
Come on. Stop being pathetic and go in the house already. I need to f*cking sleep. My subconscious sneered.
Alright. Alright. No need to be so grouchy. However, I was being pathetic. Afraid to go in my own house.
Pfft... I need to grow some balls and grow up.
So, with that, I picked up my speed and walked through the open doors without thinking any further.
That's all I seem to do nowadays. Overthink. I need to change that.
Walking into the foyer, I came to a slight stop. Observing my surroundings. Familiarising myself.
It was refurbished. That was obvious. But, the structure was the same. Gone was the grey walls, now converted to white.
Giving it an open appearance. Fresh and new. Just like a plain canvas, for a new beginning.
I closed my eyes and breathed in the fresh scent of paint, relenting in the pure aura.
A man walked past me, but before he could go any further I stopped him.
"Umm Sir, please could you tell me where Miss Katy is?"I asked him politely, my voice void of any emotion.
He turned on his heel, allowing me to look at his face for the first time. He was young. Which shocked me slightly.
His face too was too emotionless, however I could see a storm brewing within his grey orbs.
He was scanning me, an innocent gesture. Trying to understand or recognise who I may be.
I coughed, which seemed to have broken him out of his distraction.
His bottom lipstick out in what appeared to be bemusement. Almost as a silent gesture to tell me he had no idea why I did that.
My eyebrow raised in question, to signal him into answering my prior question.
Recognition shot to his eyes, his body slacking slightly. But, immediately recovered to a straight and professional stance.
"Yes, in the kitchen. Miss...?" He replied, tipping his head to the side.
A curious one, hmm. I thought.
Crossing my arms across my chest and readjusting my legs, so they were placed slightly apart.
"Thank you, Mr...?" Ignoring his previous address to get my name.
He shall give me his first.
He rolled his jaw in what implied to be awe. Not admiration terms. His pupils seemed to dilate also, along with the slight lift of his lips at the corners.
"Elias." He stated, strongly.
As soon as I heard that name, my shoulders slumped. My arms dropping from their strong structure.
"Elia?" I repeated, trying to confirm what he said.
I didn't realise that hearing that name again would be so difficult. So foreign.
"No. Elias with an 'S' on the end." He corrected, almost amused.
However, his orbs held interest. Which was dangerous, therefore I decided to end our conversation.
Clearing my throat, I say firmly.
"Well, um Mr...Elias thank you. It was a pleasure to meet you. But, I just now take my departure." I gave him a tight-lipped smile and went to walk past him.
But, he stopped me by standing ahead in my path. He was tall.
His actions I can say very much startled me, I wasn't expecting him to get in my way.
My foot tapped against the floor in consternation. What did he want?
I don't know. I answered my question.
Looking up at him, I glared.
"Excuse me, I would like to get past please?" I forced myself to be polite, I could feel my frustration and exhaustion fighting against it.
It was getting the best of me.
He stared down at me, for a while without saying anything. Analysing me. Unamused that he couldn't figure anything out.
I stared back, challenging him. I won't let anyone, manipulate me anymore.
He blinked. I blinked. He stepped back, before letting out a soft chuckle. The creases at the corner of his eyes, apparent.
"I was only messing with you little one." He stated, before moving to the side. Letting me through.
I stared at him for a few more seconds, scrutinising him for any ulterior motives.
You're paranoid.
No, I'm taking precautions.
He waved his hand, to prove that I could walk past in an almost sarcastic manner.
Gifting him with one last glare, I stomp heavily past him into the kitchen.
What a strange boy? Nosey too. I thought, whilst cracking my neck.
My headaches from staring up at him.
"Nia? Is everything okay?" Katy suddenly appeared standing behind the work surface.
She must have been crouched.
"Peachy." I reply simply.
I walk up to her and kiss her on her cheek, a silent gesture of gratitude.
She stroked my hair, before voicing her disbelief.
"Are you sure? You seem to be zoning out quite frequently. A lot actually, since we boarded the plane." She inspected, giving me a look of scepticism.
Groaning, I state.
"Katy, I told you, I'm just tired. Besides, I slept through the majority of the journey of the plane."
A tear dropped down her face, she wiped it away before whispering.
"You're so sad Valentinia. You've not smiled genuinely since I saw you. Why?"
"I don't know, maybe I'm just so used to feeling it, I'm just comfortable with being sad." I answered, my voice close to breaking.
"But, it's okay. I'm okay with it. So, I don't see why you can't be either. I feel fine." I reassured her, blankly.
She still seemed unconvinced, causing me to roll my eyes in irritation.
"I'm fine Katy. Stopover analysing, there is nothing to worry about. I'm here, aren't I? Let's forget and just move on. Please?" I continued, just wanting to be left alone.
She stayed motionless for a while, until she slowly nodded her head in agreement.
I smiled.
"Good. Well, I'm going to head off to bed for a bit, you should get some rest too." I suggested to her, sternly.
She looked weak.
"Wait." She spoke.
For goodness sake.
"Yes?" I replied, my annoyance starting to reveal itself through my tone.
"Aren't you going to wait to greet your parents?" She asked.
"Why should I? They didn't wait to greet me." I questioned.
Pity adorned her face. That angered me.
"Okay, well you go and sleep now. I'll alert you when dinners ready." She spoke, kindly.
"Please don't bother. I'm not hungry." I retort, before turning my back and walked to towards the counter.
My bags were placed upon the countertop, I took a hold of them before exiting the room.
Checking to see whether Elias was anywhere in sight, I scanned the foyer. It was clear.
I released a breath of relief, I don't need anymore questioning today. Ever to be honest.
Quickly rushing up the stairs, taking two steps at a time, I soon reach the top.
Not even taking the time to look around, I head straight to my old room. Slamming the door open and then closing it shut behind me, making sure that it was locked.
I threw my bags on the floor, before throwing myself on my bed. Not even bothering to take my shoes off or submerge myself under the silky covers, I drift off into a world of obscurity.
***
Scolding slashes were flashing upon my back, burning, etching into my skin. I colour feel hot water dripping down, slithering like a snake.
It was crucifying. I could hear my crying screams. I was being held down. I couldn't move. I was trapped. Paralysed.
The slashes kept occurring, kept on repeating over and over again. Repetition. It wouldn't stop.
Hot tears dripped down my face, landing on the cement floor below me. But, they weren't transparent, they were crimson.
It felt as though I was being shredded, my flesh morphing into something unrecognisable.
It was dark. So dark. Sinister. Sobs racked my body, shocking it.
I couldn't breathe, my breaths were ragged and desperate to be relieved.
Hands all of a sudden tightened around my neck, cutting off all supply of oxygen.
It felt as though everything was heightened as if I was feeling everything in an extreme dosage.
And that's when I awoke. Screaming.
Cold sweats consumed my skin, dripping. I was shaking uncontrollably. Breathing intensely and erratically.
I burning my head in my knees and allowed the flood gates to open. They mirrored the sobs in my nightmare.
Wrenching my body painfully, I tried to keep my cries silent.
I didn't want to wake anyone or worse have people probing me with questions.
I hiccuped, letting out soft murmurs of moans.
I can't breathe.
It was so real. It felt so real. I can still feel my vertebral blazing with an inferno.
Take deep breaths in and then deep breaths out. I told myself.
Cut, I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried. It wouldn't work. Nothing would.
Come on, you have too. You have nobody else, you can't invoke anybody else. Elia isn't here anymore. You have to learn to deal with this on your own now. My subconscious encouraged me with the brutal truth.
Determined, I took my advice and took deep inhales and then followed by deep exhales. Until I felt the right hold on my neck slowly begin to loosen.
And then there was nothing there. Everything was numb. Indifferent.
I ran into the adjoined bathroom, hovering over the sink. Before turning on the cold faucet and drenching my face with the water.
All the whilst taking in deep breaths of air.
There was no way I was going back to sleep. I couldn't.
Stripping off into my underwear, I observe myself in the floor-length mirror.
Drained. Ghostly-like.
Deeply examining and inspecting my figure.
It had shrunken in size. Bones visible. However, my hips were still wide. White, pearl-like marks littered my skin.
Everything about me had evolved. Changed. The letters of his name still glowered back at me. Judging me.
It was as if he was a part of me now, and I hated that.
So, opening the cupboard, everything still as how I left it. I searched through my box of razors, grabbing a blade.
I pinched it between my fingers, trembling uncontrollably. I looked at myself in my reflection, mirroring what I did earlier in the airport.
Bringing the blade to my side, where his name was sculpture into my skin I shoved it into the V.
And without thinking anymore, I began to frantically make quick slashes until his initials were no longer visible. Until I no longer felt like he was there. Controlling me.
Blood was soaking my side, rushing down my leg. I calmly stood and walked into the shower.
Turning on the water, I step under it, consuming myself and finally washing myself of any remnants of him.
Cleansing myself. The water was pink. A heavyweight lifted from upon my shoulders. I massaged the water into my flesh and hair.
Trailing my hands down to my new scars, I didn't feel any ounce of pain. Out of all of my scars and wounds, I was proud of this one because I was in control of chiselling this once.
After a couple of minutes, I turned off the showerhead and wrapped myself in a towel, before drying myself and applying the correct ointment and dressings to my wound.
It was no means self-harm. It was my way of gaining back my life. The power that was taken from me. It was the only way to that.
I know that people will disagree with me and think the opposite. Probably wouldn't hesitate to lock me away. A danger to society and myself.
But, there will always be individuals who will disagree with me and my actions and I have learnt to accept that.
I walked back into the bedroom and my closet, collecting some sweatpants and an oversized sweatshirt.
I stepped out taking slow and silent steps to the double doors ahead of me.
Opening the balcony doors, I breathe in the fresh, night air and step out onto the vicinity.
Taking a seat on the cold marble floor, I fall onto my back and paint the stars with my eyes. Knowing that Elia was there too. It brought comfort to me.
As the saying goes, "People are like stars, even though you don't always see them, you know that they are always there."
And I held onto that. Cherished it.
However, my tears still betrayed me as I couldn't look at the luminous points any longer.
I'm sorry Elia, but I can't look at the sky without seeing your face painted within the stars.