Chapter 50
Pain.
That’s all I felt. When I was awake. When I was asleep. It was the nightmares that plagued my sleep. It was the constant ache in my chest. The weakness in my body. The nausea that ceased my hunger. The pain of my muscles from the training I forced them to endure to block out the heartache. It was only ever pain.
I tried to strengthen myself against the pain with the endless miles I would run, the hundreds of defensive and offensive routines I would do, and the back- breaking workouts to strengthen my muscles. It was only when I was training that the pain in my chest numbed itself.
I was running my usual trail, honing in all my senses on the forest around me. The insects skirting out of my way as I came near them, the heavy smell of damp earth lingered in the air, and the flashes of green and brown all hit my senses as I would run through the never-ending forest. I glanced up at the late afternoon sunlight streaking through the canopy landing in patterns of lace on the uneven forest floor. My music was blasting through my ears.
I felt the familiar sense of fatigue overwhelm me, as my vision darkened. I slowed my run, and leaned against a tree to catch my breath. I had only run a mile, and hadn’t even gotten to the routines yet. I was becoming too weak from being separated from Jace for just over a week now.
I wiped at the sweat on my forehead, and started the short walk back to orphanage. My mind wandered, no longer distracted by the training I forced myself to endure. I couldn’t block out the throbbing the memories brought, the aching in my chest, or the queasy feeling it left in the pit of my stomach.
When I got back went straight to the shower. Once in I leaned against the wall to help support myself. My legs were shaking, threatening to fall out from under me.
The separation was taking it toll quicker and harsher than I had ever remembered. My skin was pale with a gray undertone. My body was frail, like it could easily be knocked over by a harsh gust of wind. A constant pressure accompanied the lightheaded feeling, and unless I was working out I usually broke out in a cold sweat. There was also the constant nausea that never seemed to cease.
Even through all of this I still trained. I refused to allow myself ever be hurt by somebody again, so I trained. I refused to be weak, and let anyone ruin my life. I was going to take control of it. The best way to do so was to strengthen myself so I couldn’t be pushed around. It wasn’t until I started training that I realized how much pain it could block out. Having a drive for something seemed to do that. It numbed the pain.
Yet as soon as I was all done training, left the woods, and retired back into the orphanage all my strength seemed to collapse back down. It was like it had never even existed. So I was grateful for the throb of my muscles, reminding me of that goal that I had. It reminded me to not give up. To keep on fighting, even though every fiber in my body wanted me to give up.
I wanted to give up because my mate had used me. Because my mate created a plan that involved making me fall in love with him, sleeping with me, leaving me, gaining the power he needed to become alpha, and then never have to think about me ever again. Because my mate had been in love with another girl when he took my virginity. Because my mate had used me to get power, by making me fall in love with him. Because he should have left me right after he slept with me, instead of prolonging it, and waiting for me to fall in love with him before telling me the truth. Because Jace was a sadistic lying bastard.
Yet the ache in my muscles told me not to focus on the pain, but to focus on my strength.
Once I finished my shower I wrapped a warm towel around me, willing the warmth to penetrate my heart. There was no such luck as I dried myself off. When I entered my room, I saw Hailey waiting on her bed. I gave her a sideways glance as I headed to my dresser, where comfortable pajamas were waiting for me.
"Will you tell me what happened?" Hailey asked.
I scooped up my pajamas, ignored her question, and went to go change in the bathroom. Hailey followed close behind, and stuck her foot in the doorway just as I tried to close it. She opened the door, even though I was trying to slam it in her face.
"What do you want?" I asked, giving up on the door.
Her eyes softened at my tone. Even I could here how defeated my voice sounded. I clutched tighter onto my towel, wishing I could just dissolve into the material.
"Don't pretend like there is nothing going on. I want to know what happen? Did you and Jace break up? Ever since that night you came back from meeting Jace you have been depressed. You look sick more often than not, and everyone is worried about you."
Every time she said his name I flinched, and felt like I was going to throw up. I tried to shove the door shut again, but she was much stronger than me.
"Could you please just leave me alone?" I begged.
"Not until you tell me what happen," she demanded.
"Just leave it alone, ok?" I asked.
"Emily is worried about you. Mia refuses to leave her room now. Abby, Liz, Chloe, and even Jenna are afraid you will do something bad. And I'm... I'm really worried about you. You're supposed to be our ball of energy in the room. Now you're... you're just not. It almost feels like we are all walking on eggshells around you."
"Well I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I can't be a ball of energy all the time. I also deserve to have a down period in my life, especially after..." I trailed off into silence.
"Please just tell me! Bottling it all up isn't going to do you any good. It's just doing harm. Please, I only want to help."
"Could I please just get dressed?" I pleaded.
"Not until you tell me what happen."
"Fine! I was stupid and naive. I believed I could actually put my trust in somebody else, without getting hurt. I trusted the wrong person, just like my mind always warned me, and I got hurt. That's what I get, and now I've learned my lesson. Happy?" I asked.
Hailey was biting her bottom lip, and her brows furrowed in sadness.
"I'm sorry," She apologized. There was a pause of silence, where neither of us spoke, but just dwelled in our own thoughts.
"I saw how happy he made you, but don't let him get the better of you."
"I'm trying," I whispered, with tears in my eyes. I closed the door, and Hailey didn't resist this time.
I leaned against the door, and slid to the ground; pajamas still clutched in my hands. I buried my face in them, and just let myself cry. Cry for one last time, because after this time I would take Hailey's advice. Direct my emotions away from the sadness.
I wouldn't let myself suffer over what he had done to me. Yes it was my fault for ever trusting him, but I had no idea that would be the outcome of placing my trust in someone else.
It was so easy deceive me, because I was so desperate for affection after my family gave up on me. I was tired of always fighting and directing my hate at the person who was meant to love me unconditionally. So the instant he showed a bit of love I sucked it all up, and believed him wholeheartedly.
He was the one that had lied and deceived me. It was unfair on my part. It wasn't fair I was breaking apart, and trying to pick myself up while he was probably adoring over Keila. I was just a chapter in his life that he would never look back on.
I wiped away the tears from my cheeks, and at that moment decided he wasn't worth my tears. I wasn't going to allow myself to suffer anymore over someone who wasn't even shedding a tear over me.
I came down to dinner after I changed, but not before stopping to gather Mia from her room. She leaped into my arms when she saw me. She knocked both of us to the ground, because I wasn't too steady on my feet. Then the two of us went down to dinner together. I forced myself to eat, like I always did, even though the nausea ceased my hunger. I knew I needed my strength if I wanted to continue training.
Throughout the entire meal I could feel Emily's burning stare at the back of my head as Mia spoke rapidly about everything under the sun to me. I made sure Mia ate even through her continuous talking. It felt good to do something useful. I felt lighter, now that I was no longer allowing myself to suffocate in the hole that ripped at my chest. Now that I was no longer letting Jace control my life.
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