"Never Mind What's Done Is Done, Always Was A Lucky One"
Present
"Have you uh," Amy was tripping slightly over her words as we made our way through the dimly lit streets of Toronto's Neon District. "You haven't seen or heard from Dave since 1994?" My stomach dropped, expecting this question to come from her at some point.
She and I decided to go out alone tonight, her treat, while Casey and Jack sort out their problems back at my apartment. Hopefully not destroying the place in the process. "I did. We kind of saw each other for a few months in '97." My hand came up to awkwardly rub the back of my neck.
"We were still in school then," Realization snapped through her, "You were seeing Dave while we were at school? How?" Her hand went to cover her mouth, "Oh my god what about Liam?"
I cringed at the mention of another ex's name. Talking about Dave was hard enough right now but adding the situation with Liam into the mix made me sick to my stomach. "I think we need to just wait until I get to that part of the retelling... Talking about Dave with you is already too much."
"Right," She sighed and linked her arm back through mine, "Sorry."
Something else was going through her head as we made a left down a road that lead to my favorite bar. "What is it?"
"I just can't believe you didn't tell me you aren't able to have kids either," she sighed, "With that whole situation it just... would've been nice to have someone to relate to." I frown, remembering the hell Amy went through four years ago. She went in for her annual check-up and something was found. The doctor informed her that it was cancerous, and I immediately flew down to support her through the procedure.
Back then, I hadn't even thought about telling her I could relate. It was a part of my past, and I was determined to keep my present completely separate. "I'm sorry."
"I get it," She nods, "It brings up bad memories."
I drop my head on her shoulder as we got stepped into the short line of young adults waiting to get in, "This is the first time I've talked about Eva since 1990. I didn't even know she existed until she was gone, but I miss her. It's weird."
"She was your child Rose," Amy pressed a soft kiss to my temple, "You have a right to miss her. Even if you didn't meet her. She was a physical display of how much you and Dave loved each other back then." She shifted as we stepped closer, "Deep down I know you still love him."
I scoff, "After the 'fuck you' I received from this album," My head lifted so I could look her in the eye when I said my next words, "I hate him."
"Yeah," She chuckled as the bouncer and I shared a simple hello before letting us in, "Keep telling yourself that sweetie."
---
January 18, 1991
Evergreen State College
The New Year came before I knew it and while Dave was away playing a show in Portland with Nirvana to ring in the new year, Shelli and I stayed in and had girl time. I love every second I get to spend with the girl, but it was weird not to kiss Dave at midnight like the year before. I had never felt so distant from him, and it wasn't only because he was in another state that night.
In the three years since Dave and I began dating, we had always been able to hold random conversations, but recently it's been silent with both parties. Dave even began sleeping out on the couch, pretending to lay with me until I fall asleep before leaving me alone in our shared bed.
A rather large glass of beer was dropped on the counter in front of me, pulling me out of my cluttered thoughts. Shelli's smiling face popping into view as she took the empty seat next to me. "You look like you could really use one of those right night. Don't worry, I won't tell your doctors."
"You're the best," I took a large swig before placing the pint back on the counter, "Are the guys going on soon?" Neither of us had seen them all day, only knowing about the show because Krist made a last-minute phone call to my apartment to invite us.
She shrugged, "Honestly I haven't seen my husband since he left the house to pick up Kurt and Dave this morning. Said something about last minute changes that needed to be made." She quickly downed a shot, "Who knows with them honestly."
"I'm just glad Krist called me," I reply lowly, "If it wasn't for him, neither of us would be here tonight." It was my jab at the lack of communication between my supposed boyfriend and I recently. Throughout our internal conflict, Kurt has done his best to keep his distance from the danger zone as well. Resulting in Shelli being my only confident.
She mutters something under her breath before downing another shot that was sitting in front of her. "If Dave's going to let this bump in the road rip your relationship to shreds, he truly in an idiot because you're the best thing that will ever happen to that boy. He should be grateful he met you so young."
"She... Eva," I paused, "Was his daughter too. He loves kids and I know how happy he would've been to learn she was on the way." My hands move up to my face, palms pressing against my eye lids. "God I'm a terrible mom for not even knowing she existed. I should've had a feeling or something..."
Shelli placed a soft hand on my shoulder, like a mother would when consoling a distressed child. "You didn't have symptoms Rose. None of us expected it either," Her other hand reached up to wipe away a stray tear that had appeared, "You will be a great mother in the future. Take your time and worry about your mental state right now."
"Thanks mom," I joke to hide my wince at her comment about the future. We shared a laugh before I leaned forward to prevent any wandering ears from hearing, "I really appreciate everything you've done for me recently though. You didn't have to give up those hours at work, but it means the world that you were there for me."
"You're family Rosemary. We take care of one another." While she was talking her eyes darted over my shoulder, widening slightly at something. "Holy shit..."
"What?" I turned, my jaw dropping immediately. "Oh my god."
Dave and Krist stood a few steps down from us, seemingly trashed as they continued to down drinks from a tray on the bar. Their drunkenness wasn't what shocked us though. It was Dave's short hair. "It's... gone. Have you ever seen him with hair that short?"
"Never that fuckin short." I was in shock because no matter how much Dave hated the grown-out blonde in his hair, I figured he'd wait until it was longer before cutting it off. "He really needed that blond shit gone I guess."
A group of giggly college girls walked up to the two of them, no doubt hoping to get lucky and score a hook up after the gig. My breath hitched when Dave's laugh echoed through the room, but I calmed down when the girls were sent off with their shoulders slumped. "New year, new you I guess." Shelli watched as they downed another two shots, falling into a fit of laughter. "If they drink anymore, they won't be able to play."
"I bet it's because Dave's birthday was four days ago and Krist had work so he couldn't join us." It took a lot for Dave to be 'fall on your ass' drunk, but by the looks of it, he was getting close. "Kurt and I planned things to do at the apartment since I'm still technically not supposed to be out and about, but he had a fit and eventually Kurt gave in and took him to a bar."
The look on Shelli's face said it all as I turned my back to the two boys drinking themselves silly at the back of the small venue. I didn't want to think about the bad things in my life right now. I wanted to be happy and support my friends and what I had left of a boyfriend. "It'll get better; I promise."
"Don't make promises you can't keep Shell..." I sigh and down at least half of the drink she had bought for me.
Before we knew it, the boys were on stage. While Dave and Krist were incredibly intoxicated, somehow, they managed to make it through the entire set without fucking up or vomiting everywhere. The crowd was crazy and much larger than I was used to.
Shelli and I screamed along to Smells Like Teen Spirit, which had become our favorite new live song. The crowds' as well by the way they were energetically beating the shit out of one another during it.
As their set came to an end, Dave kicked over his cymbals, almost hitting Kurt in the process which resulted in a guitar flying at his head. Their need to destroy their equipment after every show always put me on edge, worrying that they would actually hurt one another. This time though, I gasped as Dave was nearly hit with the old Fender guitar; his impaired state making his reaction time much slower.
"Fuck they're going to kill each other one of these days," My hand frantically brushed through my knotted hair. Continuing to watch them destroy what was left of the equipment on the stage.
"Wanna go meet them?" Shelli jumped up enthusiastically, holding her hand out for me to grab. She led us through the crowd, swiftly avoiding the angry teens around us so I wouldn't get hit. The man guarding the loading area must have recognized her from previous shows because he didn't say a word as we passed by.
It wasn't even ten minutes later when a sweaty Kurt and Krist ran over to us for hugs. I squealed when Krist picked me up at least a foot off the ground before gently placing me back down. "I'm so glad you came tonight! I've missed you little rose pedal."
"I've missed you too Kristy," I sigh, content with the reunion before leaning over in search for Dave. His shirtless body was covered in a sheer layer of sweat and a cigarette hung from his mouth as he strutted by, completely ignoring the group as he went outside.
This is what my life had come to in the last couple of weeks. "He probably just needs some alone time..." Krist tried, but I knew it was just another excuse for his behavior towards me.
Why am I even here?
I shoved past the two guys, breaking into a sprint when I was a safe distance away. The tears I'd been keeping in were finally falling and I couldn't hold them back anymore. Heavy footsteps could be heard behind me as I pulled open the only door, which happened to be a single room bathroom, slamming it shut behind me.
"Damn it Rose," Kurt slammed his fist against the door once he realized I locked it, "Just let me in the damn bathroom so we can talk." That's the thing, I didn't want to talk.
In that very moment, for the first time in three years, I wanted to go home. I wanted to curl up in my father's chest and cry with him whispering calming words to me like when I was a child. I wanted my mother's homemade ice cream sundae's and life advice.
His fist slammed against the door again and I let out a low yelp as a result, "Go away!"
"Not until you let me in," A light thud signified he had rested his forehead against the door and was waiting for me to give in, but I didn't want anyone near me. "Please just open the door Rose. I don't want to make Krist bust the thing down."
I leaned forward, hesitating before twisting the lock open. The click was loud enough for the blonde front man to know the door was now open. He swiftly entered the small room, locking the door back before sliding between by back and the wall to cradle me.
"He's being a dick," Kurt mumbled into my brown hair, "I'm sorry."
I was silent, accepting the loving embrace from the usually distant blonde behind me. "It's fine... I deserve it. I killed his child."
"You," He sucked in an exasperated breath, "You didn't kill your child." There was an emphasis on the 'your'. "It was a freak accident Rose. No one knew you were pregnant, and if we had more precautions would've been taken. He's just being a little bitch now and blaming everything on you, which is wrong."
My body relaxed into his hold, his chin falling in the crook of my neck. The slight stubble tickling my skin. "I don't know what to do."
"You need to go talk to him."
---
Twenty minutes later, I was cleaned up and Kurt and I exited the bathroom together. Krist and Shelli were waiting outside, worried expressions on their faces. "So?"
"She's ready," Kurt nodded encouragingly before pushing me forward slightly to find my boyfriend.
When I didn't find the brunette drummer outside, I moved to searching through the crowd. Wincing when someone would accidently bump into my lower abdomen. Once I was through the crowd, my heart skipped a beat at the sight of him smiling at the bar but fell when I noticed the shorter blonde girl standing next to him.
She was wearing torn fishnets under her short black skirt, a white tattered Sonic Youth t-shirt with a leather jacket covering her arms, and a pair of new looking Doc Martins. She had money and she obviously was a student here.
I took a couple steps forward, hoping he'd spot me over her shoulder, but he seemed enthralled with whatever she was telling him. A hearty laugh came from him as she leaned forward to whisper something in his ear, getting a little too close for my comfort.
"So," She rested a hand on his bicep, "Are you single?"
"Depends on who's asking." His voice trailed off when his dark brown eyes finally locked with my red rimmed blue ones. I knew I was crying again, but I didn't care anymore. "Shit, Rose."
Before I got out of earshot, I heard the girl mutter 'who?', but chose to ignore the rest of their conversation. I pushed the side doors that led to a smoking area open, doing everything in my power to find my breath again. A slight anxiety attack was occurring, and I couldn't get it under control as I leaned forward on the brick wall, heaving in gulps of air.
"Rose..." His hand landed on my shoulder, but even with my lack of oxygen I was able to slap it away.
"Don't," I heaved in another breath of air, "Touch me." I looked up the brick wall at the star filled sky asking whatever god that was watching over me 'why?' before finally getting a clean breath of air in.
My eyes dart around the small enclosure, in search of a quick exit from the man standing a foot away from me. "Don't run from me Rose."
"Go back to your fuckin' groupie Rockstar." Bile rose in my throat at the thought of Dave actually going back in there to fuck her after I leave.
My eyes locked on my exit, taking determined strides toward the gated door in the corner but his hand grabbed my arm. He didn't mean to pull so hard, but I lost my footing and fell to the gravel ground below. "Rose stop fighting me!" I continued to try to pull my arm from his grip as I sat on the ground in front of him. If anyone was watching, they'd probably think he was trying to rape me or something... "Stop it!" His change in tone shocked both of us.
"Let go of me. Right now, David." The use of his full name let him know I was serious. "I'm leaving." He didn't put up a fight. No begging or apologizing profusely like he usually did.
We truly were broken.