name: A Promise To Keep
word count: 5200 words
published on: 18th August, 2019
✿ ✿ ✿
Things to look out for after the chapter:
1. (new) COVER REVEAL
2. Authors note (optional)
3. Questions (please do)
4. BONUS SCENE! An additional (bonus) scene in Manik's POV at the very end of the pages (even after the questions); only if you'd like to read more.
[ unedited ]
N A N D I N I
They say, you never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.
But what do you do when you know the value of a moment?
We all have that times. That one moment with our someone special when we think 'shit, I don't want this day to end' or that 'I wish I could stop time here'; and it hurts when that moment passes away, and it never returns just the way you had feared it to be, it's your last with that someone special.
But what still makes us go on is a mere satisfaction that they're there. They're in this world and alive and maybe, maybe one day your paths will cross again and the moment will set just right and you'd feel all these emotions once again. The mere hope helps us go on, and keeps that moment alive in our memory.
But what do you do when you know that the moment you're sharing with someone has to be the last?
Because there's no more hope that you'll meet again and your paths will cross or that the last conversation is still remaining. Because they're going to die.
What do you do when you helplessly hold someone you love, knowing it's the last time because once the clock moves ahead, once the needless rotates, they'll be gone. Forever.
All through the train journey, I kept playing and replaying this scene in my mind a hundred times, how I'd act, what I'd say, all in hope that it might make me stronger to be able to tackle the situation and not fade.
But how are you ever strong enough to say goodbye to the only person left in your family?
Can you ever be strong enough to see a person you love go away and not be able to do anything about it and be okay with it?
This is exactly how I sat ten years ago, when I was told my parent's passed away. And now Amms.
They hadn't accepted it to me yet, or to themselves, but this was the one last meet I got with her. One last conversation. And I've been running through a million thoughts of everything I want to tell her, trying to cut short it into a few words that let her go in peace.
And then that was snatched away from me too.
I reached here twenty minutes ago, to know that she passed away just three minutes before I reached.
Three minutes.
I almost had her you know. I almost had the chance to see her eyes open one more time and feel her touch when she's still alive or to hear her say that she loves me or for me to say that I love her and that I'll be okay. Or that she could rest in peace.
She didn't wait.
She died, and all it left me was with a letter that she had written for me, a long time ago, to be given to me only after she goes away.
It was dark around me. It was weird how poorly lit this hospital hallway was, making this feel like a nightmare; or maybe, it was just fine. It was my mind playing tricks on me, unable to process that Amms had died. My grandmother, the lady who take care of me after my parents, was gone too.
I was drowning in every thought coming to my mind waiting for that letter to be brought to me by my Chacha, when I spotted a familiar face a few steps away from me.
"Cabir?" I whisper. "Hey," He whispered, softly as I got up, facing him. The strong face faltered on seeing him as he came ahead and wrapped his arms around me. Navya was beside him too, she put a hand on my arm, hugging the both of us together.
"Sshhh," He whispered, "It'll be okay."
That's what everyone says. But does it ever really get okay? Or do we just get better at pretending that it does?
I wanted to see Manik. Or Mukti. Or Abhimanyu. Where the fuck were these guys?
"What're you guys doing here?" I ask, sniffing. There was no way they could get here from Mumbai so fast.
"We were on the way to drop Navya's parents back after last night when Navya read your message on the group. We immediately came here. Baaki sab kahan hai? I thought Manik would've been with you if not Mukti atleast..." he said. Last night? Oh, the engagement.
It's just been a few hours back but already seemed like days ago. Weird how I and Manik were happy and flirting just some mere twelve hours back and now I didn't even know where he was.
"Nandini, what happened between you and Manik?" He questioned again. I took a deep breath, my eyes to the ground and I told them everything that happened.
"Oh," was all what Cabir said, eyeing Navya as if they knew something that I didn't. What was it?
"What is it guys?" I ask. "Look, if you guys happen to know where Manik is, please tell me. I really, really need to talk to him right now. Please...." my voice was cracking.
"No," Cabir said, panicked. "We don't know where Manik is, but....." his voice faded into a mere whisper, "....but I might know where Abhi is."
"Why hasn't that idiot come to me then?" I retorted.
"Act--" his voice dropped when Chacha came.
"Here, kanna," He said gently touching my hair and handing me a white envelope. I nod, leaving Cabir hanging in the conversation as I immediately step aside, sitting back on chair and bringing out the letter.
Aiyappa, give me strength.
Dear Nandini,
Kanna, if you're reading this, it means I'm long gone. And don't cry, we both knew this was coming.
And I just hope, that before I'm gone, we got our last conversation and our last hug. And even if we didn't, don't be sad about it, because I want you to know, I loved you the most.
I was shocked, you know, when I lost my son and his wife-- your parents.
I was heartbroken. All I knew, no parents should ever see the death of their own kids. But then I looked at you. They weren't really gone. They left behind their greatest creation-- you. And then, I found a reason to live again.
All these years, I have given in more than I think I could, I have done my best, just to try to be better for you; to make your life better.
And now that I am gone, I hope that when you look back, it is with love for all the time we had together.
And if you do, Kanna, I have something to ask from you-- Please never go to Mumbai.
Mumbai is where we lost your parents in that car crash that we can never forget; and I will never be able to rest assured if I know you are there.
Kanna, you have to live. You have to complete the dreams that your parents and then me have seen for you.
And I know you will.
Along with this letter, your Chacha will hand in some property papers. Your father's property in Mangalore and the estate of London, which was with me, which belonged to me until now, will be given to you when you go to London and sign the papers.
I have faith in you, Nandini.
And remember, I love you the most. Even in your darkest times, when you feel lost, close your eyes, and you'll find me there. I promise.
Yours,
Your Amms.
Folding the letter and putting it safely back into the envelope, I rubbed my hand over my face, taking a deep breath and wiping a tear that unknowingly flew away.
"Kanna," I heard a mumble and looked over at my side to see Chachi. I gave her a small smile, my eyes a little droopy from all the lack of sleep from last night. "Chachi," I greet her back, "how're you keeping up?"
"I'm okay, I've had time. You?" She asked. I manage a nod and a small smile.
"I need you to remember, she wrote this letter much before you even went to Mumbai after fighting with her. You don't need to keep that promise," she nudged.
I had fought with her to go to Mumbai. "How can I not, Chachi? It's the last thing she asked from me. And, the lease of my apartment is ending this month anyway. I'm done with exams. I can continue the higher studies anywhere I please, and according to the letter, I do have to go to London. So..."
"I'm proud of you, bacha," she said, "And I'm always there if you need me."
I nodded in gratitude before getting up to leave to the washroom, I washed my face, freshened up a bit, and checked my phone. Three missed calls from Aliya, two from Aryamman, a lot of messages, mostly from the two saying they're on the way, but nothing from Manik or Mukti. No contact.
I took in a deep breath, rubbing my palm over my face again and again as I walked out. My tired eyes searched for any familiar face. Chachi? Chacha? Cabir? Navya? Abhi?
Where did all these guys disappear?
I wandered around for a minute before walking to the receptionist to enquire. "Hi," I fretted, a small smile on my face. She looked up, greeting me back.
"Do you have any idea where Abhimanyu Murthy is?" I ask her, licking my lips.
"Absolutely. Room no. 206, ma'am," she replied.
"Uh no..." I reply, squeezing my eyes and face, "I think you're confused. Abhimanyu Murthy is my family. He's here to visit my grandmother."
"I am pretty sure, ma'am. He just underwent a surgery in room no. 206. Infact, the doctors have been trying to contact his family for a while now." She replies.
"I... I am family," I reply in haste, "Could you-- could you please check what happened?"
"For all I know, there was an accident on the highway back to Mangalore. He was in the car that got crushed by the rocks."
My feet takes a step back.
What did she just say?
I turn back, walking ahead numb. Every word she said takes a moment to sit in my head.
No.
I'm sure the receptionist just got confused, right?
I close my eyes and I can picture him, in a car crushed by rocks, disheveled or full of blood and it horrified me.
"NO!" The scream left my mouth as I threw the glass I had in my hand onto the wall and it crashed, making a hundred pieces.
Take a deep breath in. Take a deep breath out.
It's nothing. Everything's alright.
I paced quicker to the directed room, opening the door with shivering hands.
Let it be anything but what I am imagining. Please God. Not Abhi. Please.
But what I saw ahead ripped me off the breath of my throat.
He was on the hospital bed. A white bandage tied around his forehead. His face almost distorted by everything that might've hit him, blood seeping out of the stitched cuts.
"NO!" I whisper scream to myself, keeping a hand over my mouth to prevent the scream from reaching everywhere.
My legs no more knew how to stand as I crumbled behind the door, taking its support, tears stinging out.
Everything I was holding in came out at once.
This was a nightmare. A horrible, horrible nightmare. I will wake up and everything will be fine.
"N-an-...." I heard a whisper.
I looked up to see Abhi trying to look at me, being unable to. I immediately got up and rushed to his side, my hands holding his body as tight as they could.
My eyes wide, scanning everything wrong with him right now. But I didn't know what to lost and what not. Everything was wrong. The number of tubes passing through his wrist and wires and incisions and blood and bandages and--
"N-andi-..."
"Shhh... sshh," I coax, "I'm here."
"I'm sorry...." he barely said. I nod in negative, pursing my lips to hold everything inside.
Don't cry.
Don't cry.
"Are you going to go too?" I ask in a whisper, very well knowing he might not even be able to reply. "Are you going to leave me?"
"I do-n't...," He barely mouthed, "..want to."
"Are you not going to wait for Mukti to come?" I cry, "Am I losing you too?"
"Tell her I love her..." his eyes were still, barely blinking.
"Tell her yourself!" I shout, jerking him as the tears lose free. "You stupid coward, idiot... wait and tell her yourself, you hear me? You promised. You promised you wouldn't leave. You don't get to bail out on me. I know I'm selfish but you promised you'll stay. I-- I-- I cant live without you. You have to get up, for me. I-- Abhi please don't do this. Please!" I cry, keeping my head on his chest.
Silence. No response at all.
I dreadfully pick my head to see him again. He was still looking at me, a soft smile on his lips.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, "I just need you to be with me and tell me it's going to okay."
"I-t's going to be o--kay," he breathed in pain. I nod negatively, letting out a sharp cry.
"Without you?" I say.
"I'm sorry," he whispered again. I know it was paining him so much to talk anything.
And I was being so selfish.
I wiped off my tears, taking a deep breath. Tears still dazed my eyes and my lips formed a crooked smile, the one that was trying to hold it all together.
"It's okay," I whispered, my hand running through his chin to his hair, caressing his face.
"You can let go; and I'll catch you," I say. It's our thing. He tries increasing his smile but it eventually fades, as his eyes slowly close and his hand, which I was holding, becomes colder and lifeless.
I stare at him for a minute with a crooked smile before there's a huge beep, and my eyes get diverted to the monitor to see a flat line.
And then it all strikes together as the tears come back, the smile fades and my shivering self kisses his hand one final time.
He was gone.
My best friend was gone.
And I was so wrong. When Amms left; even when I had no one, I still had him.
I knew I could always fall back because there will always be a hand to catch me.
And now I lost him too.
And it might sound totally fictional or cliché or something like that but I could feel it. It was barely a minute he was gone and I could already feel the absence deep within myself, I could feel something hollow and breaking inside me. A part of me felt empty and it hurt or knew it would always be that way.
He hadn't gone alone. He had taken a part of me with him.
And I couldn't even say this was a goodbye because it wasn't. It really wasn't a goodbye. Goodbyes are said when a story is complete. Nothing here felt complete. This was like reading an unfinished story from an incomplete book.
And right now, it was breaking me. It was breaking me how I would go everyday of my life without him. He wouldn't be calling me 'babygirl' anymore or tell me it's going to be okay. He wouldn't be my best man on my wedding day, hell he wouldn't even be there that day to see me get married. He wouldn't get married. He wouldn't have a family. He'd just be buried six feet under the ground and turn into a pile of fine dust one day. That's all that would be left of him.
It hurt to know that this was never what he wanted from life. Growing up an orphan, he wanted nothing but a family for himself and he will never have that. He will never be able to be the number one CEO of the continent like he always wanted to, or travel the world with the girl he loves or even do as much as hug me. He was gone. Just gone.
And they wouldn't look at him and say this is Abhimanyu Thakkar. He'd just be a body they are addressing like they did to my parents. People will make him garlands and leave him flowers but that's all he never wanted.
He wanted to be known. To be recognised. To love and to be loved.
He wanted to live. And it was all snatched away from him.
I don't think I realised how I exited the room and sat outside it on the ground, hugging my knees and burying my face into it, letting the tears run free and wild, becoming a mess. I don't think I even realised when warm hands wrapped around me and I was pulled into someone's chest, I think Cabir.
I don't think I would have realised anything happening until I heard a word. "Manik."
I immediately looked up, wanting to embrace the familiar warmth, wanting nothing but to hide in his arms and cry until the nightmare was over.
But what I got was Navya, holding onto a phone to me.
I immediately took it nonetheless. "Hello," I murmured, my voice a mess.
"Oh my god, sunshine... I-- I'm so sorry about Amms," he said from the other end. And then I cried louder. Maybe it was his voice. Or maybe it was just the fact that I wanted him to be here. With me.
And then something stroke me.
"Inaaya," I said. I held onto my voice. "Manik, Inaaya?" I asked again.
I was replied by silence for the longest time. "Manik, is Inaaya pregnant?" I ask again. My heart was beating faster, and I could hear it.
"Yes," He barely whispered, "The doctors confirmed that she is. And Inaaya is drop dead serious on not killing it."
And then there was dead silence. I didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to say.
And I think I could figure he was crying too.
Manik was going to be a father. He was going to have his family.
"I-- I--" He murmured.
"It's okay," I say as I take a deep breath. "You're going to be a father Manik. Congratulations!"
I felt like laughing. My life was a joke.
And honestly, I would have thought there was something like abortion still existing, but I couldn't. After seeing the two people I love so much die right in front of my eyes, how could I have proposed killing a third soul?
"Nandini," he breathed, "It's going to be okay. I'm going to make this okay."
He sounded determined. "The last time someone said that to me, he died," I said, remembering Abhi's last phone call to me as I closed my eyes, resting my head behind and the silent tears fell.
"I don't know what to say," he murmured.
"Me neither," I reply back. Amms letter and Abhi's face wouldn't leave my mind for a second. Everytime I close my eyes, even to blink, I could just see them.
"I'm going to leave India," I said.
"What?" He replied, surprised.
"I'm done with twelfth, so technically, I can go. And I have a promise to keep," I reply, remembering Amms letters that floated in my head.
"Okay," he replied, "I'll come. We'll figure this out after I come to Mangalore and we can talk and...."
I cut him off, "Manik."
"I need you to make me a promise," I say.
"Like hell you think you're gonna ask me something and I'll say okay," he almost laughed.
I remained silent. "Do you remember..." I said after a while, "It was our first date. We sat there, watching the city together." I reminded.
"Yes," He said, "And I remember how pretty you looked and how shy you were to go into that water and remove that gorgeous red dress. God, we were so different then," I knew he was smiling.
"Yes," I say, smilingand crying. And we've made so much progress. From not being able to stand him, to not being able to go on without him. "And then you gave me something..."
"A ring?" He remembered.
"A blank promise," I say, looking at the ring still shining in my finger.
He replied with silence, almost guessing the words ahead. "I'll use it now." I say nonetheless.
"And what do you want me to do?" He whispered.
"I want you to let me go," I say, "Don't follow me. Don't come here or anywhere I go. Just, let me go."
He remained silent for a long time. So I continued, "I need you to understand. I... I just lost myself today, Manik. I can't go back to just being normal. And I have made a promise that I will keep by leaving the country. And I would've asked you to come along but I can't ask that from you."
"Why?" He panicked. "You don't have to go back to normal. We can take small steps at a time. You told me, remember, death is imminent; unavoidable. So we have to accept it gradually and do our best, and sometimes, the best we can do is to move on. So when I'm here for you, you just can't push me away. You-- you can't!"
"Manik, you have places to be. Promises to keep. And now, something more to take care of. How you go about with the child is your call and Inaaya's. But I wish you the best. And I want you to know, that I have full faith in you. You'll be the best father one day, because you know how important having a dad is to a child. I have faith in you."
He remained silent again. As my tears flew, I knew he was crying too.
"You can't ask that of me," He whispered.
"I wish I didn't have to," I sob, "But I do. I can't let another child grow up without a father. And... I don't even know if I can be with you anymore if not for the child. And it's not you, it's me. I don't even know I can be myself anymore. I have to go. I have to start new, fresh. It's killing me, Manik. I wish I was strong enough. But I'm not." I was really crying as I spoke every word.
He remained silent for longer than I had wanted again. "Manik, say something..." I cry again.
"You're giving up..." he bargained, helpless, "You're doing that one exact thing you said you wouldn't."
"I'm not giving up on you," I retorted, "I'm giving up on myself. And how can I be with you and fight more when I can't fight for myself? I need to go, Manik. You need to let me let you go. Someone needs you more than I do."
"Who?" He said.
"That child, and the mother." I said, my voice dead.
"Nandini...." his voice trailed.
"What else do you expect me to do, Manik? Come back and look at Inaaya being pregnant or you guys getting married or that child being born? Or do you want me to hold your hand while you become a father? Do you want me to watch you and the lady you got pregnant start a family and be happy while I hold your hand and be a second? Is that what you want of me, Manik?" I cry shouted.
He remained silent; so silent that it killed me.
"So this is it, then?" He asked. "This is a goodbye?"
I almost bite in a nervous breakdown, "It is. And this goodbye isn't a 'till we meet again' or a 'if it is meant to happen, it will' kinda thing. It's the real one, you know, the one that says that there is no turning back now and the one that says I wish it could have worked out but it didn't. And we really tried Manik. But there is nothing that we can do now, you have a new responsibility and I have to go. There is nothing we can possibly do to make it work. This goodbye can't open anything new for us to be together, instead it closes all past doors and chapters and seeds of hope and says I wish you the very best. Its a plain goodbye, which you say when there is nothing left to say anymore."
"Okay," he says, one last time, "Drug."
"Okay, flirt," I let the last tears flow and give a nod of acknowledgement as I try to smile at the same time and then the phone goes dead from the other end.
I press my hand to my mouth as the smile turns into cries and then into stuffed wails in Cabir's arms, who I had forgotten was here, wrapping his arm around me.
"Do you think I made the right decision?" I asked, sobbing.
"Honestly?" he replied, " I don't know. But if I were in your place, I don't think I could do it any better."
"He loves you," Cabir nudged. "Even if he might've never told you. I know it. He loved you."
"Then I hope he loved me enough to let me go."
" don't forget;
somewhere between our
first hello and last goodbye
there was love;
so much love. "
- faraway
✿ ✿ ✿
COVER REVEAL:
Here's the new cover of the story and I, honestly, love it. I have worked so hard to make this one and I hope you guys like it too.
Also, this gives away so much about the track that is coming ahead! SO MUCH!
Can y'all put in any guesses? Or anything you guys feel after looking at the cover?
✿ ✿ ✿
BONUS SCENE:
playlist: (•) DYNASTY (by MIA)
" Some days,
it's hard to see,
If I was a fool,
Or you, a thief;
Made it through the maze to find my one in a million,
And now you're just a page torn from the story I'm living;
And all I gave you is gone,
tumbled like it was stone;
Thought we built a dynasty that heaven couldn't shake,
Thought we built a dynasty like nothing ever made,
Thought we built a dynasty forever couldn't break up.
[ it all fell down ] "
M A N I K
"Fab 5! Fab 5!"
The crowd was going absurd. People in front of me had posters in their hands, our photographs, banners. The crowd of thousands chanted our name as I stood in front of them, with the guitar in my hand.
My eyes met my mother's, who was a little away, giving me a proud smile, proudly talking to everyone. Although I couldn't hear her, I knew what she was saying. Probably, 'That's my son.'
I took the mike I was going to sing into. "Hey guys," I breath into the mike.
"I'm sorry," I say. The chant slows, and then slowly turns into silence, a silence that makes my heart hollow. People frown, my mother looks up. I close my eyes, trying to remove all their expressions from my mind, "But Fab5 will not be performing tonight."
I hear gasps, someone-- I assume one of the judges stands up. "Manik Malhotra, is Musicana a joke for you?" He questions, "You are a finalist. You ca--"
I tune out the rest as I put the mike back to its position and walk out. The crowd goes absurd again behind me.
I didn't just walk out of the stage, I walked out of my dreams. On the backstage, Cabir's drums, Mukti's electric guitar, Aliya's piano and Aryamman's rock guitar awaits me along with their unchanged costumes.
I take a deep breath as feelings of betrayal surround me again and I try to wash them out as I dial a number.
"Dad," I say, not wanting to greet him. "Son, I'm sorry--" he starts.
"No," I cut him. On any other day, I would have been really happy that my father finally made a conversation to me unlike making orders like he always does, leave alone saying sorry. "I'm sorry," I say, "I should have listened to you earlier."
A loud silence follows the other end. "Music, it isn't made for me. Can I-- Can I still go and take over the company?"
Another silence followed.
"I thought-- I thought you didn't want to. You, shouldn't. I was being crazy to put you back to the place that took away your mother. I was being an old fool, son. You're right. You can't be strong enough to go back to that place--" I cut him off.
"No," I say, "I am. Trust me."
When my answer is met with silence, I continue.
"I'm much stronger than that."
After all, I did see the only girl I ever loved just walk out of my life like I never meant anything to her.
✿ ✿ ✿
Vote, comment, and share.
Love,
H.