"But It's You I Fell Into"
October 31, 1990
Olympia, WA
It felt like a breath of fresh air when I pushed the door to Kurt's apartment open. Dave's body was propped against the paint chipped wall next to me, impatiently waiting to enter the empty room. He was so exhausted I thought he was going to pass out right there in the hall.
"Babe," My hand found his free one, "Let's get some sleep, yeah?" I tug forward lightly as he squints his eyes to look down at me. The stairs up to Kurt's small apartment killed his already exhausted legs.
The flight back to the States was uneventful. Dave ended up being seated next to me this time, giving the two of us alone time, while Kurt and Krist were together in the back. It was a nice change of pace to just relax for those long hours because it felt like we had been constantly moving since we arrived in London.
"You're not making this easy on me," I chuckle and slide my free arm under his shoulder in hopes of propping him up. It was a joke, but I knew if I didn't hold him up, he actually would fall with the way he was leaning over on me. "Why do I do this?"
He chuckles, "Because you love me." After pushing our way into the small bedroom we call home, I didn't have time to react before Dave's body had mine pressed up against the door. "I have to admit... You made it through the week babe."
While his voice was playful, his dark eyes were seductive. I suck in a breath when he grinds up against me. "I-I thought you were tired."
"You think I'm just going to let you go to bed after this agonizingly long trip?" He leaned in, placing soft kisses from my collarbones up my neck. "God you just had to be such a tease." I couldn't hide the smirk on my face.
Over the course of this trip, Dave tried his luck. Pulling me aside into vacant dressing rooms, hiding out in dark corners of the concert halls, purposely getting people to leave us alone in the van we were traveling in; nothing worked though. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but somehow, I pulled it off.
I'm just as frustrated as he is right now. "I don't know what you're talking about..." With those words, my hand slowly traveled down from his chest to the waistband of the denim jeans he wore. "I've been minding my business." He hissed when my hand slipped inside the fabric, cupping his already hard member."
"I'm done playing nice Rosemary," His jaw clenched when I started stroking him. "Get on the bed." Neither of us wasted any time getting undressed. Clothes flew everywhere in the room, and in this moment, I was grateful Kurt left with Krist to unload the bands gear.
Dave pushed himself into me so hard that my head collided with the wall behind our bed, both of us too lost in each other to take notice. His lips found mine, kissing me with an intensity that alone could have gotten me off.
"Was it worth it?" His voice was husky, and I could barely find my own as he continued to pound into me. "Waiting when you could've had this for the last two weeks?" My hands found his bare back, digging my nails in slightly in hopes of prolonging my orgasm. His mouth trailed down, nipping my neck in a few spots before both of us finally came undone.
We were out of breath. Dave's forehead pressed into my shoulder while still hovering above me with his elbows on either side of my head. The veins in his forearms were defined and I couldn't help but trail my finger over them. "I love you."
He looked up, features softening as he leaned down to kiss me. "I love you so fucking much."
---
When I woke up the following morning, Dave was softly snoring next to me as half his body hung off the bed, presumably because he got too hot during the night. I slid out of the covers, doing my best not to disturb him, in order to take a quick shower and make a run to the store down the street since we were going to need groceries.
It was really the only thing I could offer the guys since it had been almost impossible to find a job I was qualified for in Olympia, but Kurt accepted the offering with open arms.
I threw on a pair of ripped acid washed jeans, pairing them with a baggy black sweater I stole from Dave, and covering my still damp hair with a black beanie before exiting the bedroom quietly.
"Morning," The sudden voice startled me, almost causing me to slam the door in surprise. "Sorry."
Kurt was sat on the couch sporting the same outfit as last night, a guitar in his lap. It was obvious he hadn't slept since returning to the states. "Morning Kurt. I didn't know you were back already."
"I got in like an hour ago," He nods turning his attention back to the notebook in front of him.
"Alright," I acknowledge his response before making my way to the kitchen, throwing out any of the bad food. "I'm going grocery shopping if you need anything."
I wasn't expecting Kurt to respond to my statement, "I'll come with you." My eyebrows scrunch together as I glance over my shoulder to stare at the blond who was once again writing in his notebook.
Never once had Kurt offered to go grocery shopping with me, let alone anywhere for that matter. I did my best to shake off the confusion and went back to rummaging through the fridge and pantry.
"Okay," I close the door and tuck the slip of paper into my pocket. "I'm ready if you are."
He silently sat the guitar down on a stand in the corner of the room, closing the notebook, before meeting me at the door to the apartment. The first ten minutes of our walk turning out to be awkward as we silently descended the stairs and turned in the direction of the store.
Kurt and I hardly talk. While he and my boyfriend had formed an unbreakable friendship in the last couple of months, he always gave me the cold shoulder and calculating stares. I didn't know what we could talk about because I didn't know what we had in common.
The silence continued until after we gathered our grocery bags and exited the bustling store to head home. "He controls you, you know?"
"What?" My voice probably rose an octave as I snap my head toward the blond man walking next to me. "No, he doesn't Kurt."
His blue eyes were icy as they met mine of similar color, "You have so much potential to do great things Rosemary." We kept our pace, dodging others on the sidewalk. "But if you let him keep you in that jar you're stuck in, you're never going to be truly happy with your life. It's obvious you know it's true by the look you're giving me."
"Kurt that's not true," His words punctured something deep within me. "Dave and I... We take care of one another. We've been together for so long now that I don't think either of us would know what to do if something happened to the other." Saying that out loud terrified me. If something happened to Dave, I'd be an even bigger wreck than I was with Jade...
He abruptly stopped in his tracks, causing me to almost trip over my feet to stay next to him. "You don't see the things that I have or hear them for that matter. Yes, Dave loves you, but he also expects you to drop everything you want for him. He knows you would cancel plans to see him, quit jobs to go on tour. I just... He's my friend, but so are you."
"Why would you say that?" There was a hidden meaning behind his last words that I couldn't quite put my finger on, but there was no telling what was rolling through this man's beautifully chaotic head. "I'm happy with Dave..."
"You only think you're happy Rosemary!" He rose his voice which made me take a cautionary step back. Never in the months I'd known Kurt, had I heard him raise his voice other than on stage. Even then, it was just to scream during songs. His personality is naturally quiet. "What do you want to do with your life? That's why I'm saying all of this..." I finally meet his eyes again, feeling ashamed for not knowing. "Your soul just seems... lost."
And he was right...
---
The first snowfall of the year had begun making the outside of the small coffee shop I was sitting in seem like a scene out of a snow globe. After my conversation with Kurt, I quickly put the groceries away before bolting out of the apartment once again.
I had hoped warm coffee would melt away the icy impression Kurt's conversation left on me, but I was still freezing after two warm mugs.
Local couples and small groups of tourists came and went as I stayed planted in the booth in the far corner of the shop Dave and I frequented. It was interesting, to see the types of people that were in Seattle at the same time as me. It made me wonder what they were doing with their lives. Why they had crossed into my path for a millisecond.
You know he is right...
I didn't want Kurt's comments to affect me so much, but how could they not? I'm a high school dropout with a GED and while I did support myself in D.C. for those couple of months, it feels almost impossible to do so here. I've been living off the left-over money in my savings, and eventually it's going to run out.
What do you want to do?
What pained me even more was that I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I had yet to find something that really sparked my interest. One thing was for certain though, I love music.
I took another sip from my mug as the bell above the door rang. The seat across from me was taken seconds later. "Hey, Kurt said you went out again after getting groceries. I got worried." Dave's smile instantly brightened my mood. His hand sliding across the wooden table to hold mine. "Everything okay?"
"Just a lot on my mind today I guess," I shrug, hoping the signal was sent that I didn't want to talk about it. "Did you just get up?"
"Yeah about thirty minutes ago," A yawn escaped his mouth causing me to chuckle, "I guess I needed to sleep even longer."
If you let him keep you in that jar you're stuck in, you're never going to be truly happy with your life.
Dave made a weird face at me when he noticed I was lost in my thoughts again and I couldn't wipe the smile from my face. You don't know what you're talking about Cobain...
---
Present
"Only he did know what he was talking about." I throw back a random shot that Casey had set out for me. Saying something about 'calming my nerves'. "Kurt always knew what he was talking about, whether we wanted to believe it or not. The man even predicted his own death, but none of us fucking took notice."
I felt the usual set of tears form in my eyes and I didn't know if it was from the alcohol coursing through my veins or the mere thought of Kurt's suicide. "He was a chaotic genius," Amy added with a similar sad expression. The first day I moved in, I almost threw up when I saw a signed Nirvana poster framed on her side of the room. She idolized the band; constantly attending shows and even meeting them a couple of times.
"He was," I close my eyes, taking a deep breath in hopes of composing myself. "He and Dave were close, but he never told Dave how he really felt about our relationship. He didn't want to hurt his feelings. I think the first time he told Dave to 'leave her the fuck alone' was while the band was recording In Utero. Kurt hated confrontation, but he wouldn't stand for what was happening in our crumbling relationship."
Jack sipped his beer, checking his phone once before speaking up. "So, it's pretty obvious that from day one Kurt wasn't a big fan of your relationship. What happened next since I know you aren't going to just skip to the end..."
"I can't just skip to the end," I shrug, "If I did then everything would be missing. The reasons, the fights, the hiding. It just wouldn't make any sense."
"So where to next?" Casey asked as she pulled her knees up to her chest in anticipation.
One of the worst days of my life, that's where...