It was the middle of the night before Zhao Cheng returned to the wangfu, his brows furrowed with tiredness and worry.
But when he stepped through the screen door that led him to the front courtyard, his pace suddenly picked up, his eyes filled with a bright light. The taijian and manservants that were walking behind him hurried to catch up, the lanterns that they were holding swinging with the sudden action.
Just as Zhao Cheng walked out of the second door and saw the building of the zhengfang which was already shrouded in darkness, a voice softly called out, "Brother Cheng."
His long strides immediately halted. Zhao Cheng turned around.
On the stone steps of the west wing, a girl wearing a light green muslin skirt was sitting there, waiting for him. Her black hair was held up by a white marble hairpin, leaving some tendrils to frame her face. Her right hand was holding a lantern, while her other hand protectively held her swollen belly. As soon as she saw him, she immediately stood up and paid her greetings.
"Lien'er." No matter how confused Zhao Cheng was with his emotions right now, he still went forward to support her. "The night is cold. Why are you out here alone? Where are your servants?"
He took off his outer robe and draped it over her shoulders.
"I told them to stay back in the courtyard. I want to have some time with Brother Cheng alone." Missing his warmth, she leaned her head on his broad chest. "Why is it that Brother Cheng no longer visits me? Is it because Brother Cheng no longer loves Mei Lien?" [1]
"Don't speak nonsense." Feeling guilty, he put a broad hand over her belly, gently caressing it. "How is the child?"
Bai Mei Lien slightly stiffened. The child? She forced her body to relax and covered his hand with hers. "Xi Er has been behaving well, only missing his father terribly."
She looked up at him. "Does Brother Cheng have time now? I haven't seen Brother Cheng's face for a while, and Xi Er also hasn't heard the voice of his father. Why don't you read to him tonight? My old wet nurse told me that it greatly helps the child's development if he's being read stories by his parents while he's still inside the womb."
Zhao Cheng's heart sank, but he had no words to refute her. After all, she was right...he had neglected the two of them, especially his child. He couldn't help but cast a longing glance at the zhengfang. After forcing himself to smile, he followed Bai Mei Lien back into her courtyard.
...
During autumn months, the days were mild and the nights were cold. Especially for pregnant women, they were very sensitive to the changes in temperature.
After Zhao Cheng coaxed Bai Mei Lien to sleep and fell into a deep slumber beside her, not even a few hours passed before she jolted awake and opened her eyes. She looked at the man beside her and felt relieved.
A married daughter was like spilled water; once she had entered her husband's estate, she could no longer look back to her maiden home. Bai Mei Lien was aware that she could only depend on Zhao Cheng from now on. She was willing to set her husband as the sky, and to hold the tray up to the eyebrows [2]. She had already given him her heart, what else could she not give him?
"Brother Cheng..."
Careful not to wake him up, she slowly brushed away his hair and kissed him on the forehead. Although the touch of her lips was light, Zhao Cheng's arms that were around her tightened.
"Jia'er..." he murmured. His lips slowly curved into a satisfied smile, seemingly having a pleasant dream.
Although his embrace was warm, Bai Mei Lien felt as if she had been splashed down with cold water. Jia'er...Li Jia? Was he dreaming about wang fei?
Bai Mei Lien felt as if her heart was slowly being torn into pieces. She covered her mouth with her hand, suppressing an agonized sob. Tears leaked out from her eyes and trickled down her pale cheeks. Zhao Cheng's face blurred in her vision as her shoulders began to tremble.
Ever since the beginning...she knew.
Bai Mei Lien knew that Zhao Cheng did not love her.
She knew that he liked her, and might even have some tender feelings for her. But the way he felt towards her was like a flickering candlelight, quickly extinguishing with a single blow of a gentle breeze. He might even like her as a little sister.
But she knew...that Zhao Cheng did not love her as a woman.
However, his gentle care and endless pampering had won her heart. He was a man that was easy to love. He believed himself to be in love with her, so he spared no effort to shower her with his attention and wealth. Bai Mei Lien thought that even if he did not love her, as long as his delusion persisted, as long as he did not fall in love...they would live a happy life together.
She told herself that even if he fell for another woman someday, she would wish him happiness and selflessly let him go.
But now...
Bai Mei Lien wiped away her tears as her hands found its way to her swollen belly. Now...she had no room to retreat. She and Zhao Cheng had created a new life together, a baby of their own. If Zhao Cheng abandoned her for wang fei, what would happen to Xi Er in the future? Would he have to suffer through endless bullying just because he was shu-born and not a di son?
Bai Mei Lien's hands clenched into fists.
Li Jia had a noble background, and her family greatly loved her. No matter where you look, she was a woman that was blessed in every way. Even if Zhao Cheng did not favor her, she was still wang fei. Her name and her children's names will be recorded in the imperial genealogy. She will forever live a carefree and respected life.
However, as a mere concubine, it was vastly different for her...
"Brother Cheng..." Bai Mei Lien put her head down on his chest and listened to his steady heartbeat. Her red-rimmed eyes were full of sorrow. "Why did you have to push me down into this road?"
She had given him her heart.
However, he only gave her an illusion of his.
Even if his love for her were all smoke and mirrors, Bai Mei Lien still wanted to hold on to it.
Even if it was just a lie, even if it was fake, even if he did not truly belong to her...like a child, Bai Mei Lien just couldn't find it in herself to selflessly give him up.
As long as there was a shadow of hope, she would desperately cling to him and the life that she envisioned for them together.
No matter how painful it would be.
[1] A cute way to refer to one's self.
[2] Chengyu that originated in the Eastern Han Dynasty, when a young scholar named Liang Hong married a well-educated woman named Meng Guang. Every day when he came home, Meng Guang served him food with her head bowed and holding the tray up to her eyebrows to show respect for him.
A/N:
Chapters fifty-one and up, things are going down. There might even be a delay in updates because I'm planning to release all of them at once until the chapter end of this arc (this is to avoid cliffhangers—I know I'm a sucker for them). Although that depends—I might become impatient and just publish them two or three chapters at a time.
**BML necessarily doesn't know her unborn child would be a boy, but most mothers in ancient China automatically thinks so because a son is more highly regarded than a daughter.