chapter song inspo: come back home, lauv
"Sometimes you have to go, trade your heart for bones, to know you need to come back home."
Billie's POV:
"Billie, are you even listening?" my mom nudges me, filling me in on travel plans for the next tour spots. She's stupid if she thinks I'm going anywhere without knowing where Hannah is.
"No, not really."
She starts repeating herself when my phone starts buzzing, and she glares at me while I leap up from the table to answer it.
"Hello?"
"Billie, it's Hannah."
Fuck.
"Hannah what the fuck, you just up and leave and never come back and then hit me up like everything's fin--" I grit my teeth and just start spewing all the angry thoughts I didn't realize were there.
"Everything's not fine! I'm on a bus and borrowing someone's phone just to call you so I can explain," she continues, speaking a million miles a minute. I'm honestly beyond relieved to hear from her but the inner bitch in me is trying to close me off, forcing me to act pissed when I'm really glad to hear her voice again.
"So explain then."
"So I went out to surprise you but then the cops found me and my parents made me come back and my phone died and then we fought and they--"
"Hold up, slow down, okay?" I tell her, trying to get a clearer picture of everything. She breathes out shakily, which only makes me wish I was there to hold her hand and calm her down.
"Okay... so we fought and my mom destroyed my phone. Then my dad came into my room and basically told me I was horrible for you being my soulmate," Hannah pauses and I suck in a breath. I didn't want the first time admitting we're soulmates to be like this. My hands ball up into fists I wish I could use against her parents.
"So, then he... he ripped up a drawing I did of you and hit me--"
"He fucking did what," I snap, my temperature rises a hundred degrees and I can't keep calm anymore, I need to break something. I look around and find a glass of water on the edge of the table and throw it against the wall, ignoring my mom shouting to see if everything's okay.
"Billie, just listen. Then he said he's going to report us in the morning. You have to meet me somewhere, or I don't know. I don't know what to do..." she trails off, her words get cut off between sniffles. I hate what they're doing to Hannah; I'll hurt anyone that hurts her.
"Go back home," I say after a long silence on the line.
"W-what? Why would I--"
"Just go home."
I hang up the phone before I say anything else. I'm seeing red everywhere, and I can't concentrate like this. I know what I have to do.
Hannah's POV:
"Billie?" I whisper, even though I know she hung up.
She hung up on me.
I'm on a bus to find my way back to her, and she tells me to go home, and hangs up. I murmur a 'thank you' as I hand the phone back to the lady I borrowed it from, and she shoots me a pitiful smile.
I don't know what I did wrong. I replay the call in my head, until it makes sense in a way I wish it didn't. Billie heard me say they're going to report us, and she doesn't want to get caught and lose everything. So she tells me to go home so that I lose enough for the both of us.
I stand as the bus pulls to a stop, and walk down the steps as best I can, but my legs are shaking so bad. I'm tired of giving up everything, putting my life on the line, for someone who can't even stay on the line when I need her to.
I start to make my way back home, or to my house. It's not a home. Home was with Billie. Was. Now I have no idea where it is, or if I have one at all.
***
I sneak in through the back door, all the lights in the house are still off, so I'm as safe as I can be. I tiptoe up the stairs to my room, closing the door. As soon as it clicks shut, I press my back against it and slide down to the floor. I cry like I've been holding it in for years. I remember why it hurts getting close to someone, because you open yourself up to the best things, but also the worst. You have them until it falls apart and you don't have anything at all.
I tear open my backpack, dumping the contents on the floor. I pick up the money, shove it back under my mattress. I throw everything far away so I don't have to look at it, until I pick up my taped-together drawing.
"Pathetic," I snap, examining it. My fingers trace over the cracks that I tried to pretend weren't there. May as well finish the job my dad started. I tear it into pieces smaller than before so it can't be put together again. I need to face reality; it was stupid thinking I'd ever be more than Billie's secret she shoves aside whenever there's risk involved.
Maybe I do need help, or therapy. Maybe I am broken, and they can fix me.
***
Billie's POV:
I drove all through the night, even though everyone told me it was a terrible idea, or offered to come with me. I have to do this alone. I plugged in Hannah's address from that picture she had in her room when she tagged the location. It makes me smile for the first time in two days, remembering how she told me she put the location on the post because she wanted me to find her. Now I am.
I check the time as I park a block away, and it's already almost 7 a.m. When I get out of the car, I start out walking the rest of the way, but I can't wait so I run as fast as I can until I'm in front of her house. I don't know where the plan goes from here, so I walk to the side of her house, looking up at the windows. God, if this isn't her bedroom window, I'm fucked.
I feel like one of those dudes in the movies, throwing stones at their girlfriend's window, telling her to just sneak out already. Except there's no rocks in her yard, so I sigh and pull off one of my rings, starting off with the ones I like the least. I throw it up at the window as hard as I can, and wait ten seconds. When she doesn't answer, I toss up another, until I see a shadow in the window. Thank god, it's her.
I'm smiling like a fucking idiot as she slides up the window and sticks her head out. But my smile immediately drops when I see the look in her eyes and hear her words.
"Why are you here," she says with no emotion. This isn't at all what I was imagining in my head the whole way here. And it hurts.
"What do you mean, why am I here! I came for you," I try to keep my voice loud enough for her to here and no one else. Hannah rolls her eyes and crosses her arms.
"You hung up and--"
"Mamas, please, please just come down here. I need you so bad," I admit, looking at the ground for the last part. She doesn't respond, just backs away from the window. I wait for what feels like forever, until she comes back with her backpack, and starts to climb down. I walk towards her so I'm beneath her, but I don't think she realized that, and Hannah jumps the rest of the way when I'm not expecting it, landing on top of me.
"Ow," I can't help but smile, seeing her face this close to me again.
"I thought that you didn't want me anymore," she whispers, one of her tears drops down from her eyelashes and lands on my cheek. I lightly hold her face in my hands, and press a kiss on her cheek.
"Are you crazy, dude? I drove all through the night to get to you. You make it really hard to love you sometimes," I tease, watching as her eyes widen. Fuck, I just said the L word.
"I love you too."
And now we're both grinning like idiots, laying in the grass, with the sun making it's way up the sky, a beautiful warning that we need to go.
"I know, now let's get the fuck out of here," I whisper, and she starts to stand up, pulling me up with her. I hold her hand in mine, leading her to where we parked.
When we both get in, Hannah starts to buckle her seatbelt and raises an eyebrow at me when I don't do the same.
"Stay in the car," I tell her, and reach to open my door. Hannah lunges over the seat and grabs my wrist, pulling me into her.
"What--no! Why? Billie, what are you gonna do?" Hannah rattles off questions, begging for answers. But I can't tell her anything, because she might try to stop me. I harden my gaze and look her dead in the eyes.
"I said. Stay. In. The. Car," I repeat, slowly so she knows I'm serious. I think I scare her because she releases my hand and gulps nervously, nodding as she sinks back into her seat. I open the door and make my way back to her house.
To the front door this time.