Fear And Pain
Bucky and I stayed silent most of the time. I believe they put us in the same room to help each other out and talk about what happened. I don't know about him, but I couldn't talk about what happened yet. The pain was just too much.
I lived my whole life in a lot of pain. Physical pain. Arm surgeries, brain surgeries, even restarting hurt like hell. We got used to it. Emotional pain on the other hand, I tend to avoid. That's why I avoid feelings too. Because with them comes disappointment and pain. I was never too strong on the inside, I just always had this strong persona built for me. Inside, I wasn't soft, I was broken.
...
Days passed, maybe even weeks, months, I couldn't tell from a windowless room we were in. I sat in silence even more, replaying the scenarios of me killing my friends over and over again. Except, in my head, I actually did it. My imagination finished the job for me. It also filled up the holes in my memory that I didn't remember and the shadows of people I wasn't sure who they were. I didn't know if that was what really happen, but it sure showed me the worst outcomes. We had a lot of fun in this cell, my imagination and I.
After 43rd replay of Tony's death in my head, a loud thud brought me back to reality. Soon after, a wall started to lower down from the ceiling and up from the floor between Bucky and I. The room was soon separated and the door of my side of the room opened.
"Hi, it's me, again." Steve said as he came closer to my cell, bringing a chair for himself.
I couldn't find the strength to look him in the eye "Why are you here, again?"
He smiled looking down at his feet "Because I want to talk to you. But this time I have Tony's permission so I can't come in." he said standing in front of the chair.
"What is there to talk about? About me killing Wanda?" I clenched my jaw as the picture of her lifeless body made it's way to my mind again "Or about how I almost killed Tony, you, even Sam?" I stood up from the bed I was sitting on, making my way towards Steve "Or do you want to know how much fun is it seeing all of yours lifeless bodies and blood on my hands in my dreams?" I now stood directly in front of Steve, as close to him as I could get, looking him drad in the eye "You pick a theme."
"Wanda isn't dead. She is recovering. Strange and Shuri came to help. She'll be fine. You just broke a couple of her ribs. We're all fine." he assured me.
"She's alive?" I let out a sigh of relief "Good. I'm glad. Didn't know if I stopped myself on time." I turned around to sit on the bed again, but Steve spoke up.
"Anastasya, I came here to help you." he said, his eyes fixed on mine.
"To help!?" I slammed my fist on the glass wall which made Steve take a step back.
"Yes. Now calm down, please." he said.
I smiled to myself in satisfaction, I have proven my point to myself "I know you are all scared of me. That's okay." I turned back around and made my way back to the bed.
"Wait, what are you talking about?" he said, confused, taking a step forward.
"It's fine. Really." I smiled at him "Remember our first operation together? The bank robbery that turned out to be a setup by some Hydra leader wannabe? That guy, the one I found in the office, he told me something I already knew, but I didn't want to except it. I feel that now. I think sometimes that, maybe, he was meant to draw me away from this whole Avengers thing. But I didn't listen. And look where we are now." I said gesturing to the cell.
Steve furrowed his brows "What did he tell you?" he asked sitting down.
"He said 'He only wanted to be on your good side.'" I remembered.
"Who?" he asked, genuine look of confusion on his face.
"Tony. He got me into the whole Avengers thing as soon as he found me. He didn't know what kind of a person I am. Why did he trust me immediately?"
"Because he had a gut feeling. A good gut feeling. And he took the chance. Like he always does."
" 'They are scared of what you could do to them so they put you up on a contract and hope for the best.' " I continued.
"Why do you still remember that?" he sighed.
"Because it's been haunting me ever since." I confessed through my teeth, angry at myself for telling him anything.
He looked down at his hands, his mouth opening and closing a few times before he actually said something "Where is this coming from?"
"Where is this coming from? Really?" I rose my eyebrows "What did you expect, Steve, hm? Rainbows and sunshine? Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you. That's not happening anytime soon."
Steve sighed in defeat "So, you don't want to talk about what happened three weeks ago?"
I huffed "It's been three weeks?"
"Yes." he nodded "Tony insisted you two have three weeks to yourselves before anyone talks to you about it."
"But you still came to me right after I woke up." I said looking down at my feet.
He smiled "Of course. I stood in the security room watching your cell ever since they brought you in. You were unconscious for five hours. I also begged Tony to let me talk to you sooner. He obviously didn't."
"But why?" I looked him in the eye and stood up "Why are you even trying to help me?"
He let out a sigh "Ana, don't you see? I just-"
"I don't want your help!!" I raised my voice before he could finish the sentence "Do I need help!? Sure. But I don't want it and I sure as hell don't deserve it!" I yelled at him, tears piling up in my eyes. I turned around so he couldn't see them. I just wanted to be alone again. It was easier like that. Just me and myself, judging each other in the worst ways possible.
"I won't give up on you." he said standing up "Not just like that."
We stood there in silence for a moment until he realized I wasn't going to say anything. Then he left and the wall between Bucky and I rose a moment later.
As soon as he could see me, Bucky spoke "Who came to you?"
"Steve." I sighed "You?" I asked looking up at him.
"Sam. He said someone else will come every day until someone makes a break through and we decide to talk about who and what happened. I assume you didn't tell Steve anything?"
"Not much." I said thinking about what I said to him. I felt relieved that someone else will come tomorrow. I couldn't look Steve in the eye and tell me what I did and what I feel. Not after he did so much to help me. This must've disappointed him big time. "You?"
"Oh I told Sam everything I remember. Which is really not much. But you do. Did you at least tell him you remember?"
"I did but, not really, I don't think he caught it. You know, I don't think they understand the whole activation thing. So I don't think they know it's normal to not remember anything." I said sitting down on my bed.
"See, that's the thing" Bucky continued sitting down on his bed as well "I told Sam that. And I told them before. They do know, An. They are well aware. And whatever you told Steve, he has to tell that to the boss. To Nick Fury."
"That's okay. It's not like I have anything to look forward to." I said laying down "My biggest fear is getting out of this cell."
"You mean hurting them again." Bucky voiced my thought.