forgive them,
if only for,
your own sanity.
- unknown
Ivan
"Mr Alvarez, I really need those files today. We have a very important meeting with the headquarters and without the files, it's impossible to proceed with this today."
My life was just one big fuck up. Right now, I was working on a case that really bit us in the ass. Micheal, the CEO of a famous car dealership was robbed a few months back by a millionaire bastard so we as solicitors, have to help him fight for this case so he can win and get his money and cars back. I glance up at Penelope, my legal assistant and frown at her while she portrays a sympathetic impression and gives me a small smile. Penelope is a middle aged woman, in her mid thirties, just a couple of years older than me and she has been in this job for years. She has been working in this department for as long as she can remember and only has become my assistant recently which I was glad for because she was useful unlike the many other assistants I have had.
"Uh... yeah..yes. I have!" I stood up from my slouching position and begin to search for the yellow folder. I begin to scatter all the contents on my table around just to look for that folder and finally, I found it. I picked it up and handed it to her.
"Have you read through it? I've created this file last week in order for us to be prepared." She asks,
"Yes Penelope, it's all done." I smile,
"Okay, thank you sir and I'm sorry." She says, I look up at her to dismiss her but she speaks over me. "Your wife is downstairs, would you like me to bring her up?"
I clench my jaws before I let out a sigh and slouch back on my chair again.
"No. I'll come down."
She nodded her head and with that, she turned around and left. I watched her leave my office and when she did, I rolled my eyes and this time, I let out a frustrated growl. I really didn't have the energy to deal with Estella right about now, I've given up on her.
I stood up from my seat and sauntered towards the door mainly for the reason that I have been in my office all morning and I wanted fresh air, not to be slaughtered by Estella. However, as I was about to leave, the door swung open to a very angry Estella. Well, I guess she avoided Penelope's instructions... she did that alright!
Fuck.
"Jesus... you cannot do that in my office." My eyes widened as she began to cause a commotion that it began to seize my colleagues attention. I knew today was a very busy day at the office and Estella coming in and doing this just frustrated people and definitely infuriated me.
"I don't care, Ivan! What the fuck are you playing at?" She scowled,
My jaws clenched as she stood in front of me, with the door wide open behind her as everyone was trying to mind their own business. My teeth grasped onto the insides of my cheeks as it prevented me from lashing out. Despite the fact that I still haven't killed this woman yet, I knew my patience was very weak because I could not stand her, so much so that I try to avoid her at any costs.
If this was five years ago, I would've gotten down on my knees and began to kiss her fucking feet because that's how much I was indoctrinated. I would've heeded to anything and everything just to keep her content because I couldn't bare the thought of Estella being upset. It was all about impressing my father as well as hers because they both expected a lot from me. Motherfuckers.
Estella was beautiful five years ago; she was everything I wanted as a high school frat boy, but now she was nothing because I've changed. I'm a man now and a man doesn't want a self-centred and money thirsty wife, he wants a woman that would take care of the world.
I knew exactly what I wanted.
I walked towards the door and closed it shut so we could have a little privacy, and so I could save myself from embarrassment and then turned to her. When I did, my anger got the best of me when I grabbed her arm and yanked it towards me so she was now facing me.
"Do not ever show up at my office like that again, I could lose my job because of you." I growled with trembling anger. "What the fuck is it that you want? Money? I'll give that to you but please leave me alone."
"I don't want money Ivan, I want you!" She said, "Why have you closed our account?"
"Here you say you don't want money?" I scoffed. I turn to her again and watched her in firing anger, "I closed it because we're no longer going to be married. Have you forgotten that I filed for divorce?" I snarled,
"Why? Why are we getting a divorce? You know how much that will give me a bad image to the public." She stressed. She pulled me closer to her when she wrapped her arms around my waist. I furrow my brows as I avoid her frown but she grabs my face with one of her hands. "And I still love you, you know that."
My jaws ticked as I was taking in her words, I haven't heard those words for nearly a year now and the fact that divorce has brought her attention, she decided to use them now. However, that really didn't bother me because I had fallen out of 'love' with Estella two years into our marriage. Actually, I never loved her. I was just a stupid motherfucker back then that thought to do anything just to impress my dickhead father who gives not even a fuck about me. I was lonely when mom died and the only person that really helped with my depression was dad by keeping me busy with his company.
I pulled away by shrugging myself off of her and stepped away, she gawked at me in disbelief before her eyes began to water. Oh fuck.
"The contract has come to an end." Was all I said,
"We can get married again." She suggested as she returned but this time, she wrapped her arms around my neck.
"I don't want to be married to you Estella, not when you go behind my back and commit things against my will." I retort, "I also told you, if you remembered, that I would get a divorce either way, pregnant or not pregnant." I said,
She began to cry and I rolled my eyes back as the irritation began to enter my body. I unclench my fists and felt my anger slowly melting when Estella really began to cry in front of me. I made her cry and I felt shit for it so I pulled her towards me and wrapped my arms around her to comfort her. She is my wife... still after all.
"Why are you crying, Estella?" I groan,
"I..I don't know...Ivan, I'm sorry... I..just...wanted to try again. I really..want a baby!" She sobbed,
I felt my breathing become shallow as I feared this coming. After that doctor's appointment with Lana, we got to learn that Estella's fifth cycle of IVF treatment was unsuccessful therefore, she was not pregnant, much to my relief. I clench my fists again as I embraced her and contemplate on an appropriate response to say to her because there was no way I was going to allow her to get pregnant with my child, definitely not now. I wanted this marriage to end before the contact did because if it didn't, then there is a possibility that I might be forced into marrying her again. I honestly don't know why the fuck it took me five years to realise that this was not for me. She was not for me.
"I'm sorry you didn't get pregnant... but maybe it was meant to be." I reasoned. I pulled away from her and grab her shoulders, "I mean it Estella, we should separate. It will be good for the both of us." I say,
She wiped her face as well as her nose and gave me a weak smile.
"Y-yes... I think you're right. Our marriage started off as a business deal, I think I just wanted this to be perfect so bad that I didn't realise where it went wrong." She sniffled,
Now I really felt like a dickhead for making Estella feel like this. I don't know why out of all days, but today did she decide not to have world war ten thousand with me because usually, conversations that like this, start and end with a huge fight that it leaves me in anger for days. I wrapped my arms around her again and kissed her head.
"I'm sorry." I say,
She pulled away and looked up at me with a weak smile,
"No, don't be." She said. She pulled herself in and kissed my lips before she pulled away again and wiped her tears. "I'm sorry Ivan, you're right. This is unhealthy and we really have no time for each other. Let's do it."
"What? Get a divorce?" I was startled at her request,
"Mhm, Yes. A divorce." She said and I let go off her.
I was baffled because this was easier than I thought it would be. Why isn't she fighting with me? She was definitely up to something...
"Why...?" I ask in surprise, "I mean, I thought I would have to go through shit to get the damn divorce with you." I say frankly,
She shook her head and continued to wipe away the tears that had shed. Honestly, the five years I was with her, only this time did I feel very bad because it's the first I have seen her cry this much. But why?
"Because I admit now that I know this will not work. We both have completely different lives and just by that, I can see we're not physically compatible. You work a job that requires you to only travel from city to city, where as I have to travel the whole fucking world. I need my job, it's all I have ever dreamt of." She said with a lop-sided grin, "Also, I think my father doesn't really give a shit anymore."
I felt like the whole world had just fucking collapsed because of the amount of relief I was feeling right now. This was unbelievable? Estella, my troublesome wife had finally been convinced to get a divorce without any commotion and I couldn't be anymore happier.
Before I could say anymore, we were interrupted with a knock that hit my door. I pulled away from Estella as we both watch the door before she looked back at me.
"I'll see you later, so we can talk more about it." She said before she pecked me on my lips again. I nodded my head and then let go off her. She approached the door and opened it and when she did, my stomach dropped and all the anger that I had tried to contain from that night had returned once again. Estella walked past him as he gave her a smile and then he stepped into my office before he shifted his gaze to me and smiled again.
"Dude, have you lost your phone or something? I've been trying to reach out to you all weekend?" He chirped his way through into my office.
No I haven't fucking lost my phone, I haven't been picking up your calls maybe because I was trying to avoid throwing my fists at your face.
"I've been extremely busy." I say dryly,
"Come on Ivan, we have a meeting in a few hours, it's very important." He said, "It's really going to help expand my branch here." He continued with pleading eyes.
"Stephan, your meeting isn't until a few hours. In the meantime, I have an important meeting with one of my clients. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll get back to you once I am done." I said in a curt tone that really left him bemused.
Stephan and I have been friends for months now, it going to be a year actually. We met when there was potential for him to become the manager of the branch he manages now, and when he finally did, we were partnered and working together to make a better branch somewhere situated in another city hopefully. While all this was happening, I had no fucking idea he was dating my ex-fiancé and the mother of my child and it really left me fuming when I found out the night they were on their date.
She looked so beautiful in that dress but it wasn't for me.
So I hated it.
"Jesus Christ, what is up your ass Ivan? Come on, you can talk to me." He said as he began to move in front of me, preventing me from leaving the room. I glare at him in boiling anger and just clench my teeth as I fight off all the urges to just punch his face.
"Talk to you?" I scoff, "Talk to you about what? About the date you had last night? Did you enjoy it?" I snarled.
Stephan watched me in confusion as he furrowed his brows before he pulled his hands out of his pockets and continued to watch me, asking for an answer because he clearly did not know what I was talking about.
"What? Why has my date got anything to do with this..? In fact, how is that any of your business?" He retorted, the sudden change of his demeanour only angered me more that I was ready to fight him, however I did not do anything because I did want to cause a scene at the office. It was going to damage my reputation.
"Lana is my business. Lana is mine." I confess as I no longer could keep it in, "Stay away from her." I grit through my teeth before I walk past him and reach for the door however, before I could Stephan spoke.
"What?" He scoffed, "What are you talking about?" He laughed,
I clench my jaws and feel the irritation just increasing as I had to explain something so simple to this man. I honestly don't understand what he did not understand.
I turn around and watch him with pure anger before I approach him,
"Its true; Lana and I used to date, way before she met you." I nod my head to make him believe my words, "She is also the mother of my child."
As soon as I said what I needed to say, his face immediately dropped in shock as well as disappointment. I bury my hands deep in my pocket and just watch him with an angry frown but all he does is glare at me with wide eyes, like he was in disbelief.
"So... s-so you mean to say that... you are Amelia's father?" He asks in complete disbelief, almost like as if he was in disgust that I was the father of my own child.
I clenched my jaws and glared at him,
"Amelia is my child, she is my daughter and not yours! So I suggest you to back the fuck off!" I growled,
"Back off?" He chuckled with a sinister grin, "Where the fuck were you these past four years?!" He yelled, "Where the fuck were you when I was the one that took her as my own when she isn't even mine? Huh?"
I shook my head and growled under my breathe, I was wrong in many ways but it wasn't my job to fucking explain this to him as it was not even his Goddamn business. My only job was to explain this to Lana as well as repent for all the mistakes I have committed. I was going to take away the pain I caused Lana and give her happiness and no one was going to stop me.
"I don't need to discuss this with you Mr Sinclair as it is quite frankly, not your business." I bellowed, "Now get out of my office."
"Not my business?" He scoffed. I glared at him and saw his eyes were blood-shot red while tears began to form in his eyes. He grabbed me by the collar and clenched his teeth before he pulled me closer to him. "It is my fucking business alright! You put her through shit and expect to just waltz her back into your life once again like nothing has ever happened? To what, so you could fuck her again and then leave?! I don't think so!"
My anger really got the best of me when I managed to push him off of me and then throw a punch to his face. My fists collided with his face and he immediately stumbled back while he held his jaw. I was heaving with so much anger at this point that I did not realise that we were at the office, I was so angry that I was ready to murder this bastard.
My office door opened suddenly and my attention darted towards it, and there stood a very anxious Lana.
"Lana." I say and surprisingly, Stephan did too which made my fists curl into a ball. I look at Stephan as he glared at me before he returned his gaze back to Lana whose gaze bounced between us in panic.
"Lana, What are you doing?" Stephan asked,
Lana was angry. I was able to see the anger just stirring in those eyes as she traced us with it, her body language just gave it away when she turned around and closed the door behind us to stop people from the office to know what was going on. If we get a bad reputation, it's all on the manager himself.
Motherfucker.
"Question is, what are you doing, causing a commotion at your workplace." She glared at Stephan in despise as she spat her words at him, "Seriously, What is going on?" She continued as she turned her gaze to me.
"I should be the one to ask you that Lana." Stephan spoke, cutting me off as she stepped closer to her, like as if he was shielding her away from me, and it really bothered me. "What is going on? Who is he?" He said as he raised his voice,
"Your colleague."
"Huh? What was that? My colleague?" Stephan was physically disturbed as he approached Lana who seemed petrified. My jaws clench as I glare at him, really wanting to punch him but I figured it was time Lana admitted the truth to him now since it seems like she hasn't told him anything therefore I did not interfere. "You and I both hate liars Lana so do not fucking lie to me. Who the fuck is he?" He growled however, I disliked the tone he used to speak to Lana with.
I walk closer to stop him because I can see Lana was trembling with some sort of fear. I felt the instant guilt just filling me as it really wasn't my place to tell Stephan but I was so angry. I felt like he was taking what is mine and even after knowing, I felt like he was still going to place in the efforts of earning Lana.
"A-Amelia's father."
***
The drive to Lana's condo was very silent and problematic because she didn't speak a word which really worried me until we neared her home, where she resisted to go there. She refused to enter her house and pleaded to me to take her somewhere else. With Amelia being present here, I thought that the best place to take Lana and Amelia was my place.
I drove up into the drive way and glance over at Lana who was watching out the window wordless, as she gapes at my home in disbelief. I pull the handbrake stick up and turn the key before I pull it out.
"Come on." I whisper softly and I leave my car and walk around it to grab Amelia who was sleeping soundly at the back. I pull her out and drape her over my shoulder and close the car door before I glance over my shoulder to see Lana stepping out the car, with her gaze still glued to the house.
"Where..where are we?" She asks,
"My house." I answer and as soon as I did, her gaze darted on me before she began to shake her head.
"Take me back home Ivan." She insist,
I sigh against Amelia's head as she was still sleeping and then approach Lana who held the handle of my door, like as if she was ready to leave already. I reach and smile at her as I encourage her to come in.
"Lana, you told me you didn't want to go home so I brought you here because there is nowhere else for you to go." I stated,
"Well I've changed my mind now Ivan. Take me home." She insists again.
I grab her wrists gently and stare at her with a soft gentle look,
"Okay fine. I'll drop you off to your house once Amelia wakes up from her nap, in the meantime let her sleep." I reason and as soon as I did, Lana began to refuse with a furious shake to her head. "I promise I will not do anything Lana." I assure.
Lana somehow accepted to at least come in and wait for Amelia to wake up before I take her back to her condo. We enter my home and as soon as we did, I walk into one of the guest rooms that was situated downstairs to put Amelia in so she can sleep peacefully. I leave the room once I properly adjust Amelia on the bed and return to Lana who was gaping at my furnished home.
"Lana, why don't you freshen up with a shower? I give you some clothes." I suggest with eagerness, hoping that she would listen to or at least take my suggestion into consideration. Her button nose was twitching as it was red while her hair was wet from the rain. She watches me for a second before she nods her head which really settled me in relief.
Lana went and showered while I changed and searched for some clothes for her. After about twenty minutes of organising the kitchen and looking out for Amelia in her sleep, Lana finally came out the shower.
I glance over my shoulder to see her just wrapped in a towel while her soaking wet hair was sprawled across her shoulders. She stood there with her legs crossed as she looked down at her feet, biting her lips and blinking continuously.
"Here," I handed her the small pile of clothes that I got out for her. "You can get dressed in my room."
She nodded her head and then turned around before she was out of sight. I sighed as I continued to prepare food for the evening; Lana and Amelia need to eat.
After some time, Lana reached the lounge all dressed but quiet because I hadn't realised she was down until I decided to check up on both of them. When I entered my lounge, Lana was sitting on the couch with her phone in her hand and her face was painted with sorrow.
I clench my jaws and felt so guilty about all of this, I knew I had caused all of this so now I was definitely going to fix it.
"Lana," I call out as I stand near the couch, she looks up at me with tearful eyes. I sigh before I sit next to her and place the tea towel down. "I'm sorry for today, I-I didn't mean to cause any of this."
"Ivan," she croaked out, "just stop. Stephan and I weren't dating, we were not exclusive." She whispered with a look of despise.
I clenched my jaws while my fists curl into a ball. Just thinking about him encourages my nerves, had I known that this has been going on, I would've retaliated a long time ago. However, I felt relieve just settle within me simultaneously because Lana just confirmed that they were not dating.
"Then what is it..?"
"You." She spat, "You just made things complicated for me." I watch her as I begin drowning in guilt. I really wanted to go back in time to punch the fuck out of my face. She turned her gaze back to me and frowned while her eyes were red and puffy, "Why did you leave me? Was I not enough for you?"
My face dropped as I stare at Lana who gazed at me with so much sorrow that it was going to break her. Her nose was red while her eyes were carrying a search for my answers as they flickered between both my eyes. I felt my eyes burning as I stare at her perplexed, loss at words at how to answer that question.
"I-I was young... and stupid." I know that answer was not good enough but right now, I couldn't really tell her anything plausible because I did not want to drive her away from me again. "But I'm here now and I'm not going to leave you at all."
She began to shake her head and furrow her brows.
"I don't want you back Ivan, I don't want anything back. All I want is an answer to my question so I could tell this to Amelia because she asks about you everyday." She said tearfully, "Ivan, I can't do this anymore."
I pull myself closer to her and drape my arms around her to comfort her. As soon as my arms were around her, she held on to my arms and sobbed on my chest.
"I hate you Ivan..." She sobbed, "I hate you because when I loved you, you didn't love me back."
My throat was very heavy as it was closing up and it began to hurt. I continue to stroke her head and I blink away my tears; I couldn't cry now when I did this to myself. Although she was confessing these hurtful truths to me, I still comforted her because she needed it.
She suddenly pulled away and when she did, she immediately pinned her gaze at me. I blink a couple of times which had only caused my tears to shed, I quickly wipe them off.
Lana sat there with raw emotions just mixing in her eyes as she glared at me and watched me with pain. I gulp once and as she continues to watch me; she darts her gaze on my eyes before they bounce to my lips. Her tongue rolled over her lips as she blinked a couple of times.
As I continue to stare at Lana to find out what she was thinking, Lana suddenly pulls closer brushing her nose on mine. I let go of her hands and stare at her one last time as my lips brush against hers before I place my hand on her cheek and kiss her like she was mine.
I kissed her like the times I did when she was actually mine...
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