Once I'd managed to calm down a little, I crawled to the sofa and lay on it, curled into a tight ball. I stared at the wall blankly. Jay freaked out because he realised he had feelings for me, but then he goes and does that? Who does that?!
I mean... He didn't do it to spite me; he didn't even know I'd be there, but... How many people had he slept with in the week that we hadn't been speaking? How many people had he held in the bed that we'd shared? The bed I'd lost my virginity in. My virginity... I took a sudden shaky breath. There was no getting that back now... He'd taken that from me, just like any resemblance of a normal life I had. He'd taken my heart and placed himself there. It may be cliche, but that was how it felt to me.
Slowly, I uncurled. Reaching for my phone, I scrolled through the few contacts on the list. I hesitated on Jay's name before scrolling down one more to Ollie. After a moment's hesitation, I pressed it and held the phone to my ear. While it rang, I pulled the thin, ragged blanket off the back of the couch and set it over me, pulling it around tightly.
"Hello?" Ollie said absentmindedly when he finally picked. I didn't answer for a few moments. "Hello?" he asked again.
"Hey," I murmured, almost croakily.
"Kaidan? Jesus, you're alive. Why haven't you answered any of our texts?" he asked accusingly.
I felt guilty, shrinking in on myself slightly. "Sorry... I just... thought that if I pretended you didn't exist, Jay wouldn't exist either..."
His voice immediately softened. "Oh, hon... That's okay, don't worry. We know you're okay now, that's all that matters. So what's up? How come you're ringing?"
"I, uh... I ran into Jay," I said shakily.
The image of him going down on that fucking whore was painfully present in my mind, floating behing my eyes, teasing and taunting me. Showing me everything that wasn't mine and never would be.
"Oh?" Ollie asked, interested. "Where? Last I heard, he hadn't been home since Finn left him there."
"You haven't seen him?" I asked, letting a little curiosity seep into my voice.
"Seen him? Kaidan, he's been ignoring us even better than you have. I haven't even heard from him. Anyway, what happened when you saw him?"
I was quiet for a moment, trying to think of a way to phrase it that wouldn't end in me breaking down all over again. "I went out. To some nightclub with my friend and, uh, he was there..."
"Performing or just there?"
"He was in the bathroom... With a girl," I whispered quietly, barely above a breath.
The silence from Ollie had me wondering whether or not he'd heard me.
"Sorry?!" he exclaimed suddenly, anger boiling in his voice.
I flinched slightly, tightening my grip on the phone. "There were in a cubicle together... He was... going down on her," I said quietly, trying to take deep breaths to stop the quickly approaching sobs.
"I'm going to kill him. I'm honestly going to fucking kill him," he seethed quietly.
There was a vague shout of 'No swearing!' from the background somewhere. I smiled a little at Ollie's little huff and his mutter of:
"Shut up, asshole."
There was silence for a moment as I waited for him to say something and he tried to decide what to say. What even was there to say? It's not like he could pat me on the head and tell me everything was okay. If that was the answer, my life would be so much easier.
"Did he say anything?" Ollie asked eventually.
"He sort of just stared at me in surprise... Then I ran," I admitted quietly, almost ashamed.
"I would have kicked him in the fucking balls! Shut up, Finn, now is not the time!" he shouted to Finn, holding the phone away from his mouth from the way his voice was slightly muffled.
"Why would he do that, Ollie?" I asked, my heart beginning to throb dully again.
He sighed. "He's got a fucked up way of dealing with stuff, Kaidan. His reaction to the acknowledgment of his feelings is proof enough of that. Clearly his response is to try and fuck so many people that he forgets you. Like that's going to work," he said sarcastically, scoffing.
"What do I do?"
"What do you mean? The next time you see him, you fucking slap the shit out of him and walk away. You need to find someone better, Kaidan."
"But... I love him," I answered weakly, knowing it was a stupid argument.
"I know, darling, but... Do you really want to be with someone that treats you like this?"
"He didn't treat me like anything," I argued, unsure why I was defending Jay. "He didn't know I'd be there, and he didn't do it to upset me. It's just... his way of dealing with it. My way is to not eat or sleep, apparently."
"Kaidan..." he started, soon trailing off, his comeback dying on his tongue. "Just eat something, okay? I'll talk to him. You get some sleep and I'll talk to you in the morning, yeah?"
I nodded a little before I realised he couldn't see me. "Yeah. Okay," I agreed. "Thanks."
"Anytime, chica, don't worry about it."
I smiled bemusedly, just a bit. "'Chica'?"
"I've been watching too much TV, okay? Now go get in bed, don't argue. We'll talk in the morning."
He hung up before I could respond. I smiled at my phone a little, wondering when Ollie had become such a good friend. I got up and shuffled to my bedroom, crawling under the covers with my blanket.
Soon, to my surprise, I was asleep.
***
~Ollie's P.O.V.~
I'm honestly going to kill that fucker.
Okay, so maybe not honestly but right now I really wanted to. I knew the sort of life Jay'd had and the sort of life he lead now, but that didn't give him an excuse to sleep around while he was so blatantly in love with Kaidan. I wanted to go to his house with a baseball bat and just wait for him to get back, whether he was with someone or not.
As attractive as the idea was, we didn't even own a baseball bat.
I got up with a sigh and went down the hall to Finn's office where he was sat looking through PA applications. I'd gone back to working for him this past week, which made both of our lives so much easier. I was good at what I did and we both knew it. I knocked on the door before going in.
"Coming for a spanking?" Finn teased, looking over a CV. "For swearing earlier. Who were you talking to?"
I came round and took the applications from him, setting them down in a neat pile before I sat in his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck.
"That was Kaidan," I told him, kissing his cheek softly to try and calm myself down.
"Kaidan? He's okay?" he asked worriedly. He wouldn't show it but I knew he cared about Kaidan as much as I did. "What was he saying?"
"He's just seen Jay."
Now, like he'd been doing for the past week at the very mention of Jay, he tensed. He was hiding something from me and I didn't like it.
"Oh, yeah?" he asked with forced curiosity.
I hummed in response, playing with the buttons of his shirt. "At a nightclub. With a girl. In the bathroom."
He hesitated, though he didn't look surprised. "Oh."
"'Oh'? That's literally it? What have you been hiding from me, Finn? We promised: no secrets," I reminded him. He looked guilty, like I'd intended.
"I've been talking to Jay," he admitted softly, looking down as if he was afraid I'd shout at him. It wasn't often that I felt like I was in Finn's place - like I was the Master and he was my slave - but this was one of those times.
"So what's he been up to? How many people has he fucked in the past week? Or has he lost count?" I asked maliciously, trying to get a proper response from him.
"Don't talk about him like that," he said defensively.
"No? Kaidan walked in on him eating a girl out in a public bathroom. Sorry if that implies the idea that he's been a little slut."
Finn sighed but wrapped his arms around me. I stilll didn't move mine from his neck. No matter what was said, what shots were fired, he knew I was doing it to get the truth out of him. He knew I loved him.
"He's taken it badly, okay? I think he's just trying to get himself back to the level of confidence he was at before. For what, I don't know?"
"So, what, he's grabbing as many guys as he can to try and make himself feel better?"
"He's not been anywhere near guys. It's like--"
"--they remind him of Kaidan," I finished for him, nodding slightly.
He'd done this before. He once had a bad experience with a girl who got too clingy and didn't even flirt or check out a girl for six months. And the girl he finally did flirt with was halfway through her transition from male to female.
"He's trying to forget," Finn said softly, stroking my thigh gently.
"No, he's trying to make it go away. It's not the same as forgetting. He doesn't know how to deal with this shit so he's dealing with it the only way he knows how: trying to scare it away with sex. It won't work this time."
"You say that like it's ever worked for him before," he said with a small smile.
I rolled my eyes. "True, but that's not the point. He won't answer calls from the house phone or my mobile. Could I borrow your phone? I just want to talk to him."
"Alright," he acquiesced quietly, handing me the phone from his pocket. "After you've spoken to him, you'll help me with these applications, right?"
I smiled, getting up. "As you wish."
I walked out of the study and down the hall to the living room, Finn's phone in hand. I turned down the slight background music I liked to have playing. Just some old classical stuff; it was nice to have on, otherwise the house felt too quiet. Sitting down on the sofa, I speeddialled Jay, knowing Finn's phone as well as I knew my own, if not better.
He answered after almost a minute. "What?" he asked sharply. There was a slight noise as if he was doing a shot.
"It's me," I said, not bothering with making my voice sound friendly. There was time for friendly later, but it wasn't now.
He was quiet for a moment. "Oh."
"So I've just spoken to Kaidan. And Finn," I added.
"Oh..." he repeated, trailing more this time.
"Yes. 'Oh'. What do you think you're doing, Jay? You can't sleep and drink all your problems away."
"It's working so far," he muttered.
"No! It's really not," I said with a humourless laugh. "Seriously, it's not. You realise you're in love with the kindest, most loving man I've met and your response to that is to fuck as many girls as you can?"
"Thought you weren't allowed to swear," he murmured, avoiding the question.
"Answer me," I snapped, already beginning to feel done with his shit.
"I haven't fucked anyone," he said quietly. "I tried but... It just felt... wrong. I'm a porn star that can't even fuck anyone right now. Fat lot of use, I am."
"Jay, stop it."
He sighed. "Sorry. What am I supposed to do, Ollie...?"
"Well, first things first. You go to Kaidan's house and you apologise, as sincerely as you can. You get flowers, chocolates, fucking anything that he likes, and you get on your knees and you beg. You beg for him to take you back, for him to forgive you, to give you a second chance. And then you act like a decent human being and accept your feelings for what they are without being a dick about it."
We were both silent for a moment. I'd shocked myself with that little outburts so it was no surprise Jay was having trouble comprehending it.
"Answer one question for me, Jay," I said.
"What?"
"Do you love him? Do you really?" I asked.
He was quiet for another second before he released a shaky breath. "Yeah," he admitted. "Yeah, I do."
(A/N Hehehehe, are things beginning to fix themselves? I hope so! I can't handle my babies fighting. So many of you were just like 'Fuck Jay' on the last chapter, but didn't you think about what his response would be? I mean, you all read his initial response. He had a breakdown, for fuck's sake. I understand you all but... I don't know how to finish that sentence. Chapter dedicated to Shebang for naming pretty much all the *s I've put in the book >.< And generally being awesome ~Beka)