chapter song inspo: feelings are fatal, mxmtoon
"I want to be able to open up, but my feelings are fatal."
Hannah's POV
So maybe it wasn't my imagination--I can't say whether or not I wish it was. And I can't decide whether to go with the security guard. It feels like one of those decisions that could play out perfectly or disastrously. Or both.
Soon enough he gets tired of waiting and leads me backstage, then through a door painted a shade of midnight black. His hand jiggles the handle to the next door, finding it locked, just nods at me and backs away.
"Hey, wha--"
I hear things knocking over and crashing to the ground behind the door, followed by a couple still seconds. I consider leaving but don't, counting in my head to ten seconds. I make a promise to myself that if nobody comes out after that, I'll find my own way out.
Three, two, one...
Nothing changes, and disappointment radiates from me so strongly I fear the person behind the door can sense it. Not knowing exactly why, I lift up my hand and press it against the door. Pulling it back almost immediately, energy shoots into my fingertips and travels down my arm. Scared but curious, I move to touch the door with just one finger this time. But before I can, it swings open.
My eyes go straight to hers; saying they resembled the sky or the ocean wouldn't be doing them enough justice. Billie stands frozen as if overcome with stage fright, until she leaves the door wide open and steps back to let me through.
"Wh-why did you..." I trail off as soon as she meets me eyes again, forgetting the rest of the words I had planned to say. She waves her arm towards a couch as if asking me to sit but I don't do that either. Sighing, Billie walks past me and collapses on the cushions, burying her fingers in her long black hair, then tugging hard. I feel a sharp pain in my scalp and my hand jerks towards the top of my head, but I clasp my hands together in front of me instead.
She watches my movements and raises an eyebrow, and I can almost hear her questioning what that was even though she didn't speak aloud. This all feels too uncomfortable but I blame it on the nerves.
"Why am I here?" I try again, deciding on a question with more room for explanation. She covers up her eyes with both hands, then peeks up at me through the spaces in between her fingers.
"I think you know why," she flippantly responds, like she wants me to be the one to say it because she can't. But I won't go there; I won't open that door.
"I really don't, though..." I play dumb, trying to mix as much confusion in my tone as possible to block out the possibility of her being my...
Billie plants her feet on the ground and plasters on a fake smile as she jumps up and walks over to me.
"It's like a, meet and greet type of shit. You didn't even touch your phone the whole show, like you were just living in the moment and not through your screen. No one really does that. It was pretty dope, I guess, and I wanted to meet you," Billie hurries through an explanation, but it comes out in pieces, like she strung together random thoughts that popped in her head.
"Ohh, I thought-" I stop myself but not fast enough. Her chin pops up as she looks right into me, breathless.
"What did you think?"
"Nothing--I had no idea, really," I lie, as another awkward silence washes over us.
I want to tell her everything. How much her music means to me, how I'm never not listening to it. That she's beyond talented and makes me feel like I know her more than I know myself. I want to tell her that it felt like we shared a moment back there, like all the stories I've been told about when soulmates first meet finally made sense. I want to tell her that she's my clarification but also the reason I can't speak.
I don't, and it's almost like she was waiting for me to say those things. But if she really knew what I thought, wouldn't she say something about it?
I'm just another fan, just one that caught her eye, but it won't be anything more than what I played up in my head. I feel like Billie's gone already even though she's right in front of me.
"Bro, are you good?" she asks, reaching out to squeeze my hand in hers. As soon as her fingers brush mine, we both pull back at the unexpected spark. More silence fills the air between us, and I just want her more than anything to say that it isn't just me, that this is real. It's not all in my head.
When Billie looks at me without saying anything, just watching and waiting, I try to say what's on my mind but all that comes out is:
"Thank you," I whisper, tilting my head towards the ground to hide the tears threatening to spill over. I want to open up to her but I'm too afraid to put my trust in her.
Billie steps up to me, balancing her forehead against mine. With it, warmth spreads throughout my whole body, and I don't feel sad or afraid anymore. All I feel is okay, more than that but the feeling is too much to describe with simple words. We stay like this for what feels too short but I'm sure was at least a minute. She pulls away and everything begins to drop back down, until she snatches my hand and holds it in hers.
"What's your name?"
"Hannah," I answer, feeling shy but more comfortable than before.
"Stay safe, okay?" she reminds me, stroking the back of my hand with her thumb.
"Okay... I'm gonna, like, go now then," I let her know, backing away towards the door, but she keeps her hand around mine still.
"No."
"What?"
"I mean, uh, goodbye Hannah," she quickly recovers, making me doubt whether or not she said what I thought she said before. I nod once more and let go of her hand. Walking out the door has never felt so difficult.
Billie's POV:
When she shuts the door, I gasp for breath, like I just got done with bury a friend. But it's just me now, and even though I usually like alone time, I want her back. I want Hannah to come back and never leave me again, which is fucking stupid because I don't even know her.
I don't have time to process what just happened because Finneas opens the door and casually walks in, saying something but I'm not really listening to him. He keeps saying my name and even shakes my shoulders but I can't snap out of this feeling.
"Billie!" he yells, and I finally look up at him and see the worried expression written across his face.
"I think I.."
"You think you what?" he pushes me to tell him. I twist one of the rings on my fingers and look down to the ground, then back up at him.
"Dude, I think I just met my soulmate..." I say the word and it feels like it shouldn't be said, which is weird because I never stop myself from saying anything that's on my mind.
"Shit! Who is he?" Finneas jumps a little, grabbing me by my shoulders and looking down on me with excitement.
"It's a her. And she left."
The excitement vanishes from his face, replaced with disbelief, then fear.
"Fuck..."