"What is that."
Hayden's eyes tracked the folder now within my grasp. My mother was shaking her head and walking towards to couch. I damned the fact that she even knew I had met with Bert, but after Tim dropped me off at home, we had accidentally let it slip. My mother had resisted prying though. She held her body tightly, not quite the porcelain persona she was before, but still someone who kept her secrets and past at an arm's length away from people who didn't know.
I was grateful she didn't suspect Tim knew everything. She let us be so she wouldn't accidentally confess anything by pressing about the folder's content. After Tim left, I just assumed she would still wait to talk about it.
My eyes warily roamed back towards Hayden where he leaned against the sink counter- his intense gaze on me and the folder. I didn't think my mother would confess everything that happened with Bert in front of Hayden. I couldn't believe my mother actually let something so raw out with another person here. She had spoken of their breakup, her fear of me being sent to new doctors.... She even spoke of my father. She acknowledged our past existed in the presence of another.
I closed my eyes, unsure of the conflicting emotions racing through me. At least a benefit to my mother's outburst was it looked like I was looking into child services and laws because of my dad. I just had to keep this folder, his folder, away from him.
Suddenly, in a panic, I realized the photo of Tucker was in my grasp as well. Soberly, I walked away from Hayden and my mother and began to trot upstairs.
"Where are you going?" Hayden said quietly behind me where I had left him, but I could hear the dark edge his tone had taken on. He was definitely not happy about the mysterious file, and he wasn't happy I was walking away.
"And where the hell are you going?" my mother interrupted as she realized Hayden was following me up to my bedroom. That morning in which she had found us in bed together, Hayden leaning into me with his hands in my hair, clearly not forgotten.
And just like that, my eyes widened.
I had just made out with Hayden.
"holy shit." I blurted.
Both turned their heads to me surprised.
"I mean," I laughed like a maniac, "I, uh... need to go to the restroom."
I didn't wait for a reply, just darted up the stairs. I went right and slammed the bathroom door shut. I couldn't tell if Hayden had followed or if he was still fighting with my mother. The lock clicked on the handle and I slid down the wall on the far side.
"holy shit, holy shit." I whispered. I made out with Hayden.
I ran my hands through my scalp, my palms brushing and squeezing into my temples. I had been half joking when I asked if he was jealous. I hadn't expected his response. Yes.
"Why did you say that?!" I whispered to myself. Why did I tell him I wanted him to kiss me?!
But even as my thoughts ran with that, I opened my eyes, fingers falling down my cheeks, and my sight devoured the door. I still wanted him to kiss me. I pictured him on the other side and some deep part of me hoped he was there.
I paused for a second more, finally shaking my head and rising from the floor. The folder was even heavier. Tim's dad had given us a few copies he had on file regarding Gabriella's law. The rest would come later. Those sheets sat above the reports and documents. The severity of it all sobered me again and I prayed Hayden wouldn't press further. I had already blackened the folder tab with a marker before we had left Bert's office; it no longer read Donavan, Hayden.
I just needed to breathe deep and convince Hayden this was something personal, just for me. Hopefully he would respect that. But on the off chance, on the horrible chance he snagged his file... I wouldn't let him see that face again. I removed the photo of Tucker and quietly opened the vanity cabinet door, as well as the bottom drawer beside it. With the drawer fully extended outside of the vanity, I leaned into the cubby and placed the photo on the dusty wood frame beneath. I closed the drawer and it slid protectively over the photo and forgotten shadows underneath. Finally, I closed the cabinet again.
Turning slightly, I held the doorknob ready to leave. Before I did, my eyes found myself in the mirror. My mother was right, I did look like a drowned rat. My long loose hair had been drenched in the earlier rains, it now spiraled and curled loosely, pale frizz accenting each lock of hair and behind my ears. My eyes were large, nervous. My lips and cheeks reddened from either being flushed, cold, or from me nervously biting on the corners of my mouth.
Great.
I breathed in deep before opening the door. My heart leapt as Hayden was indeed out there. He leaned across the far wall, arms crossed, gaze devoid of anything but perhaps predatory patience.
"I assumed you'd have misplaced the file while in there. Seems I was wrong." He said softly. My frustration bristled my skin.
"No, I didn't. But I should have if I'd have known you'd still press this much." I breathed in deep, ready to commit myself to this lie. "I'm sorry for not telling you but this is something I needed to do... for me. Tim's dad, Bert, knows about the laws. I just needed to know where I stand. The lawyers my mother and I spoke to weren't any comfort. Bert was my only option."
"And you couldn't just tell me that?" His dark voice countered, clearly not believing my words.
"No, it's just added stress. It's something I wanted to do myself. I didn't plan on having Tim help me with his dad," my honest words answered, "I just needed to know the laws, I just needed information, and I knew Bert would help me because..." My words trailed and suddenly I remembered something very important. I weighed this part, unsure if I should tell Hayden as he didn't need to know...
My gaze found his again. How could silver eyes look so dark while in thought? They were beautiful.
"Tim knows about what happened to me," I confessed to someone for the second time that day.
Hayden's form stilled and his gaze widened, I imagined Karri looked much the same when I said that.
"How?!" he hissed. I realized, in Hayden's situation, that every time someone found out about his past, they had almost all used it against him, whether to blackmail him, or just to plainly destroy him.
"It's okay." I strained, stepping quickly over to him, horrid guilt he ever experienced that with others. I widened my eyes realizing I had just instinctively moved too close, but before I had a chance to step back away Hayden wrapped his arms around me. My heart slammed into my ribs; my shoulders clenched as I strained the folder tight against my breast. He held me against him, lowering his head beside mine.
"It is not okay." Hayden murmured into my hair. My nails ground into the papered edges and I fought the urge to tilt my face towards him. "What if he tells someone about your past, knowing about your PTSD, knowing you were painting a tribute for the whole school."
I froze. Do I tell Hayden.... I told Tim everything?
No... I realized; He'll uncover what I'm about to do then. And if Hayden even has an inkling of my plans, he would do everything to ensure it never came to be.
I leaned away slightly so I could look into his eyes. Hayden recognized the movement, he too leaned slightly upwards so our gaze could meet. I noted, he did nothing to loosen his hold though.
"Tim's known for a while now. Pretty much ever since Karri was expelled. He's not going to tell anyone anything, even after the mural debuts and people question it. He wouldn't do that, trust me.'
Hayden didn't look convinced. He shocked me though by guessing easily "His dad must have told him, I take it?"
I glanced down towards the stairs. Though I couldn't see the living room, I could picture my mother's form curled up on the edge of the sofa. "Yes...."
Hayden's gaze fell to the folder between us. My heart hammered and I watched him nervously, my eyes dancing back and forth across his gaze.
"What's in the f-" He went to ask, before reluctantly deciding against it.
"You can tell me anything" He finally whispered, "you don't have to keep secrets from me."
I dropped my gaze. "I'm not trying to keep secrets from you." I whispered feebly.
He laughed softly beside my ear; it was somewhat strained but there was still humor in it. "Could have fooled me. You won't tell me who hurt you. You won't tell me when you sneak away to places like the mural or to the Bureau building. You won't tell me what's in the folder."
My forehead unintentionally lowered to graze his chest. I still had my shoulders and folder squeezed mercilessly tight. God I probably looked like an injured animal. I forced myself to let them loosen. I forced my shoulders to sag away from my spine. And without thinking it through, I leaned fully into Hayden.
He reacted instantly, engulfing me closer. His hand slid up my back and to my neck to pull me against him. Lips pressed tentatively against my forehead. My heart resumed its hammering pulse against my ribs and Hayden's as well. I'm sure he felt my response.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be doing this." I regretted breathlessly.
His laugh was quiet but his body shook slightly. "Oh, I'm sure. I'm surprised you haven't kicked me yet."
My drumming heart became too much, I tried to push away from him in frustration and embarrassment, but he just laughed again.
"Not a chance in hell, sweetheart."
"Stop calling me swee-"
Hayden's fingers gently raised my chin and his firm lips found mine. It wasn't the fevered kiss from downstairs but it still smoldered against my skin. He moved his mouth slowly but firmly, keeping me secured against his side since I highly doubted he trusted me after our last two incidents. Every time a phone rang or my mom called, I bolted.
Fingertips ground gently into my spine, pushing me even harder against him. My breath was lost in his, my lips moving back against his. His tongue moved along the edge of my lips and I shuddered instantly, finally breaking away from his kiss and ducking my face down.
"Stop doing that." I breathed roughly.
"Why," His voice was just as rough, "I know you like it."
I wiggled again to get out of his grasp and he finally relented, fingers falling against my skin before they were gone. I backed away instantly, glaring at him just as much as he was glaring at me.
"I'm putting this away." I said unwaveringly, giving him no room to argue.
"We'll discuss it later." he countered, indicating he clearly wasn't going to let it go for long.
I darted by him and opened the door to my room. I shut it without looking back, though I could picture his narrowing of eyes as I did. I decided to not go all out hiding it... I merely opened a desk drawer and placed it inside. I placed a few school binders on top. If Hayden heard me digging through chests in my closet or moving bookshelves, he'd definitely think the worse of the file and come barging in.
Silently, I closed the drawer. Atop my desk was the sketchbook we used to map out the mural. "I'll be back tonight" Hayden had said before he left me this afternoon. This was something I was dreading, I knew. Because it was something we had to finalize for this mural. I paused for a moment more, staring at the cover before me. Finally, I grabbed the book and walked back out to Hayden.
.
.
.
Hayden drove us to his house. My heart was a steady beat in my chest as I glanced away from my mother's text messages.
Why couldn't you just work at our house? Why are you going to the library?
We, of course, weren't going there but if she knew exactly where I was heading then she would have locked the doors and never let me out.
I didn't want Hayden at my house any longer. I didn't want temptation to give in and the drawer with his file opened. I asked him, since my mother seemed hell bent on monitoring us after witnessing Hayden in my bed, that we go elsewhere. But unfortunately for me, elsewhere had to be his place. We couldn't be in public with what we were designing.
I glanced to him from the side, trying to hide my gaze. Nervousness and unease trickled against my skin. I felt guilty for the secret I now kept from him.... But also discomfort he too had lied to me about where he was today.
If you really want to know, I will tell you.
I ground my fingertips into my hands and looked out the right-hand window. No, I wouldn't ask. I couldn't. It would mean he had just the right to ask me back about the file. But why did he lie? What was he lying about? What would be something he wouldn't want to tell me?
The only things I could think of.... Perhaps he went to his friends... those whom I was drawing in my mural. Shannon, Ashely, Bradly, Jay.... Those who had helped destroy Karri's life here.
I ground my teeth slightly. Maybe he went to Randal? Maybe there was something new and he didn't want me to get myself into that part of this mural.
Maybe, maybe, maybe... I sighed.
"What are you doing over there?" Hayden asked beside me, his hands easily turning the steering wheel to a side street. I realized we were approaching his place.
"A million things..." I sighed shakily. I stared at my mother's text messages. "She wants to know why we are going to the library, instead of my house."
Hayden coasted into the small driveway before his apartment. I glanced up and met his eyes as he shifted the jeep into park.
"Tell her they have full scale art books from the roman and Greek eras, we needed to reference for the mural."
I nodded my head, "Perfect." and the text sent almost instantly. I put my phone away after that and turned towards Hayden. He was patiently watching me.
"I... I need to talk to you more about Tim." I said cautiously. I needed to ensure Hayden understood Tim wouldn't use my past against me.
He nodded his head soundly, those silver eyes steadily watching my every move.
"And I need to talk to you too." He finally whispered, "But not here" already, he had to raise his hand to quiet me. I clearly had little patience.
We got out of the jeep and made our way to the front door. While Hayden unlocked the deadbolt, I nervously shifted the sketchbook in my hand.
"We are still going to discuss that piece though... we can't avoid it any longer." He said without facing me, clearly aware of the weight shifting between my palms.
"I know." I said evenly.
When you draw me, you'll draw me exactly what I am.
A monster.
The door swung open and Hayden stepped aside for me to enter. I scurried past and towards the dining room table. Again, I noted, there were two sets of "dirty" dishes left out, the attempt to make it look like two people lived here. The cups were filled with water and crumpled napkin atop the empty plates.
"How often does OCS check in on you?" I asked.
Suddenly, arms came around me. I jolted but he just held me against him.
"How did you know they stop by?" He murmured into my hair.
"Hayden" I gasped and pulled away from him. Reluctantly, he let me go. Turning, I found his eyes were that darkened silver again. The lights in the house were still mostly off, his pupils dilated as they watched me...
I moved to the opposite end of the room and towards the kitchen. "You have staged dishes." I said in avoidance to the heat within his gaze.
He nodded his head softly, though I couldn't tell if actually heard my reply. After watching me for a moment longer, he turned to the dining room table and began cleaning it off for us to sit at. I watched him warily as he approached the kitchen, moving inconspicuously away as I bit my lip.
Finally, Hayden sat down at the table and raised his hand to prompt me to the other chair. I approached and tucked myself in, the sketchbook laying flat on the tabletop. My eyes darted to his face then the cover before finally I opened the book. Heavy pages crept by, heavy lines and grooves bled through the paper.
"Do I really have to paint you still?" I asked quietly.
Hayden smiled, though his eyes didn't catch the emotion. "We already talked about this. I'm not going to pretend to be innocent in this, Alys. This mural will contain the truths, all the truths."
I looked back down at the paper. "So, the center of the mural ..."
Hayden leaned in close as we examined my graphite lines of the sketch of the Student and Teacher shaking hands balanced on a scale. The imagery in which I was going to paint this part was inspired by Michelangelo's The creation of Adam. Without the nudity of course. It was going to be a turning point of the mural, a balance of agreements as the educator could only teach a pupil who was willing to learn. And the student could only learn if they worked for and absorbed the knowledge. One was not more superior than the other. They were even, balanced, their hands reaching forth to strike a deal of their pact.
The massive scales they stood upon were an illusion- upon closer inspection the dark metal was actually derived from shadows cast from the matters around. Where other cathedral pieces had angels, demons, or cherubs decorating the farthest edges of their murals, this center art would differ. Ancient clocks and hourglasses for time, textbooks, scrolls, thousands of pages, orreries, telescopes, mathematics formulas spilling over in the hundreds, chemistry and alchemical blue prints filling in the gaps. An elemental chart broken up and distorted throughout the circumference.
A gold light spilled from the edges inwards. It caused a shadowing of these orbital objects; their shapes all projecting darkness across the center of the mural; their silhouettes combining until a scale was perceived. The two human forms were the nucleus to it all.
Just seeing it all sketched before me hurt my eyes. It was maddening to draw it all; my brain wracking through so many images to mimic and recast into the jumbled mess of this design. I knew I could paint it all almost perfectly. But this piece concerned me the most.
I didn't avoid it was because of the effort it would take to construct.
I avoided it was because I knew Hayden's veracity would be underneath.
My eyes found him. I knew, of course I knew, exactly how he wanted to be depicted here.
"I made a deal with the devil." Hayden whispered. He was referring to his uncle, but it was the Governor who brushed aside Tucker's death. It was the Governor who made the laws to begin with. The other person... I knew. It was the Governor.
"You want the under images to be you and Governor Nickolas Robinson." I whispered softly, "Making a deal."
Hayden nodded. "There's no point in painting me in any other way. I had a hand in Tucker's death. So did he. But he hid it under the rug after talking with my Uncle. Governor Robinson knew I wanted to go to court, did I ever tell you that?"
I shook my head.
Hayden nodded, "But between him and my uncle, they decided to keep this hushed. It was easy, just pretend I wasn't there when Tucker was having a seizure. Just pretend I didn't stop the medicine." Hayden's eyes seemed to burn into the paper below us.
How the fuck do I sit here and let him think this?! I turned and broke away from the table instantly, trying to keep my tears back.
I regretted it and turned instantly, bumping right back in to Hayden who had rose after me. I wanted to scream and shout It wasn't a seizure; it was an overdose. It wasn't epilepsy medication. It was the State overprescribing a drug! But no one told you that!
But I'd have to show him that file. I'd have to confess what I was going to reveal. He'd stop me. So instead I threw my arms around him and buried my face against his chest, fighting my straining arms and tremoring fingertips. "You are not responsible Hayden" I seethed into his shirt, my tears breaking free from the corners of my eyes as I fought my emotions, "It's not you who gets this blame, it's the system and those who made those laws!"
Hayden closed around me, rocking me slightly. He didn't say anything for a few moments but finally I heard, "If you would like to stop, we can."
I shook my head and rubbed my left eye with the heel of my palm. "I'm not going to snap." I hoarsely whispered, "I just can't stand to think of what they made you go through.'
Hayden's jaw tightened a little bit. Finally, after loosening it again he said steely, "I'm guilty Alys. I know you want me to feel like this is all on them but the truth is... I prevented the one shot that could have saved Tucker."
I opened my mouth but he placed his fingers against my lips. "I need this Alys. I need people to know. For so many years I have kept this inside of me. For some many years Tucker has been forgotten. I won't let it be like that anymore."
My brows were creased heavily with my torment and frustration. I felt my emotions, like electricity, bristling my skin. "Fine," I gritted, though my eyes swept right towards the table and the sketchbook left atop it.
My book watched me back.
It knew...
I knew....
"We will draw exactly what happened." I whispered to Hayden.
.
.
.
.
A/N:
I hope this isn't a chaotic mess of errors. I'm sorry if it is.