The more I smoked, the more I seemed to care about nothing. I didn't even care about smoking most of the time, but I'd never turn down an offer. When Alex called me Saturday morning I nearly jumped out of my skin.
Saying yes to meeting him turned out to be one of my worst mistakes.
"What happened?" Kaylee asks, when I walked into her room in an almost zombie-like trance. I shake my head, wanting to bury it into a pillow and suffocate.
"It was a set up," I say. "Jamie and Jesse were both there, and it was so obvious that they'd been talking about me before I got there. They'd push Alex and I together and laugh... They'd just bring really weird stuff up and try to get Alex and I to hook up... The whole thing was just really awkward. Even though I was high."
"But I thought you liked him..." Kaylee trails off, confused.
"I thought I did, too, but not after tonight," I say, plopping down on her comfy bed. "It doesn't even matter that he's cute, I just realized that I need to have more in common with someone than one stupid thing."
"I never really wanted you to go out with him anyway," Kaylee confesses, and I wait for an explanation. "All he cares about is weed, and you could do a lot better..." I roll my eyes. That's all anyone ever says to me. You could do a lot better, well clearly I can't.
At school on Monday, Jamie and Jesse laugh whenever they see me; which does nothing but make me feel extremely self conscious, and make me regret Saturday night even more.
"Hey, Ryley," Alex sits down next to me at lunch, and I want to disappear. "Saturday was fun. We should do it again sometime."
How could you say that was fun? I wonder. I didn't have a good time at all, how could he? I don't even feel right thinking about it, so I push it to the back of my mind.
"Yeah," I agree absently. When Danny sits down next to me, I try and talk to him as much as I can. Even if he doesn't say anything, he'll listen to me talk for hours. He's sweet like that. When I fall silent, he smiles at me, knowing that my babbling is over for the moment. I start to think that maybe I should be flattered Alex likes me, and if I still liked him like that maybe we could've been a couple. My first boyfriend, I almost laugh because I've screwed it up. It's not like I could help it though, I can't force myself to keep liking someone when the feelings just turn off. Sure, I like smoking, but it's not the only thing I care about. I could probably use this to my advantage, too, the fact that Alex likes me. I'd have someone who could get me weed when I wanted it badly. Just a couple bats of my eyelashes and I could probably seal the deal, no problem.
I walked out of my house the next morning with a facade of self confidence in my posture. I made sure to put enough time into my appearance so that there was a noticeable change. The weather was cold outside, but I wore a tanktop that seemed to make my small chest look a little bigger, covered by a zip up that hugged my curves and made me look thin. I wore skinny jeans, as usual, making my butt look nice. My hair was in it's natural dark waves, and I did my makeup to make my eyes pop. Danny noticed.
"Someone looks beautiful today," he says, taking his usual seat next to mine the bus. I bite my lip to hold back a laugh, me? beautiful?
I smile instead, "Thanks."
"No problem," he smiles back. This is only a test though, I just wonder if Alex will notice, because Danny sure did. I guess I could only wait out the next twenty minutes and see.
As I made my way around school, I was definitely getting the reaction I thought I wanted, and I wanted to smirk. I wanted to feel beautiful, and confident; but all I felt in this instant was the need to put on an over sized sweatshirt. I sat down next to Alex at lunch, who's blue eyes burned when they met mine. They'd already met the rest of my body, and I wish I liked that feeling.
"'Sup, Ryley?" he asks me, turning his body toward mine.
I shrug, "Not much." I offer him a smile, and he smiles back; but only for a second do I notice it, I'm immediately drawn back to his eyes.
"You want to hang out soon? Maybe just us?" Alex asks me, and my heart begins to pound inside my chest.
I grin, "Sounds fun."
He sits back in his seat, content with how it all went. I'm trying not to panic, so I decide that eating my lunch would be a much better idea than thinking about what just happened. I try to look like there's a lot on my mind, but I'm only thinking about how bad my lunch tastes. When Danny walks in with a blonde-haired girl, I absentmindedly narrow my eyes at her. Who is she? Does she like him? Does he like her? She waves goodbye to him before she walks in the opposite direction, while Danny continues on his way over here. I don't ask about it though, because I'm not supposed to care. Who says I did anyway?
"Hey, Ry," Danny plops down in the seat next to mine, and I bury those thoughts in the back of my mind.
"Hey," I reply, sitting my food back down on the tray. I sit up, straightening my shoulders while I fix my hair.
"Get asked out at all yet today?" he's joking, and I can tell by the smile on his face. I roll my eyes and shove his arm. Danny chuckles, shaking his head. "What's wrong with these people?"
"I know right?!" Beth exclaims from across the table. "I've never seen Ryley with anyone, and she's one of the prettiest people I know."
"Aww, thanks Beth," I say, a little embarassed. She smiles at me, and I hope the spotlight falls on somebody else soon.
"Do you like anyone?" Danny asks, and I feel my heart starting to pound. Do I say yes? Do I say no? I can't make up my mind soon enough, so I shrug my shoulders.
"Maybe."
"Who? Who!?!" Beth asks, her green eyes widening.
"Aw, Ryley likes someonee," Brooke says in a sing-song voice.
"Can we please just talk about something else?" I ask, my eyes wandering around the room, desperately searching for an escape or something else to talk about. "How about you, Danny, do you like anyone?" I smirk at him, proud of pinning the attention on someone that wasn't me.
Danny smiles at me, "You know I only have eyes for you."
"Get a room, guys," Beth shouts from across the table. I barely notice her, because I've locked my eyes on someone I've never seen before. His short black hair was covered with a gray beanie, and his brown eyes were smiling at anyone who dared to notice. Beth followed my gaze, and nearly spit her water all over the table. "Go. Get up, right now, and go." I felt my face becomming a tomato, and I felt it worsening when Beth got out of her chair. She pulls me up out of my chair, interlocking our arms so she can "more effectively" drag me over toward this boy.
"Beth, stop!" I say, trying to stop her, but I can't. "This is just embarassing. He's way out of my league, honestly, Beth, look at him!"
"He is not out of your league! Especially not today. Just because you hangout with Alex and Danny all the time doesn't mean they're good for you."
"So why do you push Danny and I together all the time?"
"Because even though he's not extremely cute, I think he really cares about you," she shrugs. "Those guys are hard to come by... And until we find you one, have fun with this one!" And like that she shoves me right into the mystery boy with the gray beanie. He turns around to look at me, confusion and possibly anger tangled in his beautiful features.
"I am so sorry!" I apologize, and it's sincere. Any anger seems to dissipate from his face, and a smile takes its place.
"No need to be," he says, holding out his hand. "I'm James."
"Ryley," I reply, shaking his hand. His grip is tight, but soft around my hand, and he pulls me a little closer to him before dropping my hand. "You're new here?"
"Yeah, from Cali," he grinned.
"So that's why I've never seen you before," taking a half step closer to him. James' grin seemed to turn cocky, but for some reason I wasn't nervous with him.
"Well maybe you should bump into me more often, Ryley," he says, deliberately checking me out.
I do the same, making sure he can tell, "Mhmm, I'll see you around." I bit my lip, taking a couple steps back before turning on my heel and walking away from him. I felt his eyes on my back, and then it was my turn to smirk. I can't believe what I just did, but I liked it. To be quite honest, I didn't want to see James around. I wanted to see him right now, and maybe for the next hour in a closet.
When I returned to the table, Alex was gone, and I had the overwhelming desire to find him. If he saw what just happened, and he definitely did, then that's the reason why he left. My mood was dropping from a massive high into a low deeper than hell itself. All over a boy who I thought I didn't like.