May 23rd, 1941
I twiddle with the necklace around my neck as I look out the front window waiting for our guests. It's been raining all day matching my mood. I don't have bad news to share but it's news nonetheless. I'd been grappling with my decision for a few weeks now but following the growth of the Axis power and their occupation of Yugoslavia I've found my answer. I'm to join up with my father's division within the S.S.R. and he's the only one who knows of it.
Tonight Bucky and his family as well as Steve will be joining us for a dinner in celebration of Bucky ending his basic training. He would be coming home and I would be leaving. I still wasn't sure if this was the right decision but with the war raging on it's only a matter of time before the United States is dragged in. I want to be ready.
I know that if I stay here and continue to stare out at the rain I'll worry myself to death so I resort to pacing the living room. It's several minutes before I notice my father standing at the doorway. It gives me a start. "Gosh Dad." I go to sit down again trying to regain composure. "You could've said something."
"You're still planning on telling everyone tonight?" He asks. I look down trying to hide any lie, but I give up.
"I'm not so sure now." I say again fiddling with my necklace. "I feel like it's a private conversation I need to have with Mom and then Bucky and then everyone else."
"It won't make a difference."
"Yes it will Dad." I say under my breath. He doesn't get the chance to get another word in because there's a knock at the door. My heart thumps but then I rationalize the situation and realize I don't have to say anything until I am absolutely ready to.
When the knock on the door comes, I smooth my dress. Upon opening it I'm greeted by a smiling Barnes family. My mother meets me at the door to hug Mrs. Barnes and invite them all in, obviously not trusting me to greet our guests to her standards. I'm moved away from the door by the group of people flooding through, but Bucky peels away to stand with me. Steve meets me with a handshake and a hug before the three of us follow the others into the dining room.
The meal begins harmless enough. We swap small talk and funny stories. The respectful nature of the conversation lasts all the way through the appetizers and the main course, but as we start to push away our dishes it takes a turn.
The conversation turns from the formalities to the inevitable subject of the war. I stop chewing my food and put my fork down trying to figure out how to handle the abrupt change by my father. Bucky notices something's wrong, I can feel his eyes on me. "I'm shipping out for the Pacific... in a few weeks." I look up. A knowledge bomb. I'd known he was going back to work but not that he would be going that far away. He looks at me and I shake my head lightly pleading him not to say anything else.
"Evelyn?" Bucky asks. I don't answer him because my dad does for me.
"Eve's been accepted into the SSR. She's going upstate for her basic training..." The rest of his explanation is a blur. I glance up and see a rather shocked face from James. He looks hurt. I look to my mother who is also shocked and on the verge of tears. I look at little Rebecca and the Barnes parents who look as if they've impeded on a personal matter. Finally I look to Steve who is blank.
"When were you going to tell us?" The question comes from Bucky. He's made no move to touch me, in fact he's scooted away from me a good distance. At a loss for words I look from my father to my friends and when I can't find the explanation fight or flight takes over. Needing to be free of the bombardment of questions and self abuse I throw my chair back and run quickly from the room. I hear my name called behind me, from whom I don't know. I fly down the hallway and out the front door into the pouring rain. I move quickly down the steps and out onto the street. Just wanting to get away I turn left and sprint.
By the time I'm at the end of the block I'm soaked through. Logic finds it's way through with the water and I stop running. Catching my breath I turn back around. How on Earth could I go back and present myself in a proper manner? I turn back around and decide that I can't go back yet. I need to decide here and now if I'm going or staying, it was something I should've done the moment I was accepted into the SSR.
The rain lightens to a sprinkle as I reach 2nd street. My mind and heart are torn in two. I want to stay and I want to go. I sigh. This is getting me nowhere. I think to myself as I come to a main street. I'm not too familiar with the area beyond. I could press on, try to find adventure, or an answer. Looking back the way I came I think about Bucky. They might be worried they might not be, but they don't deserve to be pacing like I was earlier in the day due to my stupid decisions. I look up at the sky and as if on cue God releases the floodgates. Alright I got the message, I say to the universe. I turn back towards my house.
Stepping forward I hear a crack and then my left ankle buckles. Looking down I see that the heel on my left shoe has broken. You've got to be kidding me. Bracing myself against a lamp post I lean over and take both my shoes off. When I look back up I see Bucky barreling down the other side of the street head on a swivel. My heart leaps. He seemed so upset I didn't think he would follow me. I push myself away from the post and straighten up. It only takes a second for him to notice me. His shoulders drop in relief before he runs out into the street and over to me. He hits me hard with a hug burying himself into my hair. "I'm fine." I say confused by his reaction. He pulls away for a mere moment pushing my wet hair behind my ear. He searches my eyes trying to catch me.
"You didn't come back in... I just thought..." Suddenly ashamed of how I made him worried I rest a hand on his cheek.
"I'm ok. I just needed to think." He embraces me again. "I'm sorry." I say hugging him tighter. "I just couldn't bear to see you upset."
He shakes his head. "I'm not upset." He pulls away from me again. "I won't lie it was a surprise to hear the news from your father, but I'm not angry or upset or anything like that." He pauses briefly and I shiver as a cold droplet of water runs down my back. "We don't have to talk about this now. Let's get you home." He starts to pull me along. I nod trying to differentiate my thoughts and what Bucky is telling me.
I stop and shrug him off of me, "I don't want to go home. I don't want to talk to him. I told him... I told him I wanted to tell you and Steve myself, in my own time."
He looks me up and down contemplating my request. His eyes rest on my bare feet. "You've been out here more than an hour." He approaches me slowly draping his own jacket across my back as an extra layer. "You don't have to talk to him, but let me at least get you home so you can warm up." I don't like it but I let him lead me away for his sake.
He knows I'm upset and he shows it by pulling me close to him. When we get back to my block the lightning and thunder starts. We jog the rest of the way. When I reach my front door we find it unlocked. I take a deep breath and push it open. Bucky is right at my back when I enter the sitting room. My mother sips her tea next the radio alone.
When she sees me she gives me a stern look before setting her drink aside and then running over to us blankets in hand. "You had us all worried sick." She says handing them to us. I look around again, there's no one here. "Run along before your father gets back. He'll be furious if he sees you." I hang my head. Who knows where he went... I don't think I care. She turns to Bucky, "I'll call over to your mother and let her know you made it home."
"Thanks Mrs. Moore." Sensing the uneasiness he takes a step into the other room. I follow my mother down the hallway to the phone on our wall.
"I'm sorry for my behavior." I say, head still downtrodden. "I didn't expect father to display that news so openly with everyone so quickly." She shakes her head and grabs the phone off the wall she pauses before she dials.
"You upset him."
"He upset me too."
"You know the war's been hard on him. He's proud of what you've accomplished and where your career will take you."
"That's the thing mom... I haven't decided whether I want to do it or not. Everything's changing so quickly, I feel like I can't keep up."
She glances down the hallway, "Have you spoken to Bucky about this." I shake my head. She puts the phone back up. "You both go on upstairs get dry and warm, and then you have a nice long talk about you want to do."
I turn to go. "Where exactly did dad go?" I ask, suddenly fearing for him.
"Went for a few drinks." I start to protest but she holds out her hand. "Mr. Barnes is keeping an eye on him." I relax just a bit. "Get going upstairs now, before it gets too late and you catch a cold.
Without another word I trek back to where I left Bucky. He's standing by the fire. I join him by linking my fingers in his. I kiss his shoulder and whisper, "Can we talk."
"I think that would be best." He answers bluntly.
We head upstairs and into my room. I close the door gently behind us. I grab a few towels from my closet and pat down my hair. I hand one to Bucky who shakes his hair free of any extra droplets before drying his face and neck. I sit down on my bed slightly bouncing. With my hands in my lap I try to think of what it is I want to say. "I was going to tell you and Steve... I really was. I just wasn't sure if I was going to do it yet."
"After all this time you finally get your chance and now you're too scared to take it." The comment hurts.
"Scared?" I scoff. "I was thinking about us..."
He cuts me off by pacing by me back turned. "Were you thinking about us when you sprinted out of here into a thunderstorm."
I stand. "I was thinking about how embarrassed I was. How upset you were."
"Since when do you run from things?" That hurts.
"You've been gone a long time Bucky..." I say back trying to make him feel just as guilty.
"You don't get to spin this on me." He shakes his head in disbelief.
"You didn't let me finish." I step to him, my appearance demanding attention. "You've been gone, my dad's leaving and he expects me to go to. It's just too much change."
"It's war time Eve." He shrugs his shoulder as if I've overlooked that thought.
"I bloody know it is! In case you didn't know London was pretty much flattened this past year by Nazi bombs. That's where I was born... that's not the point." I turn away from him wanting to reign in my emotions. It's not him I'm mad at after all. "The point I'm trying to make is that the war hasn't touched us yet and even though it's bound to at some point I'm not ready to give into all this change yet. I'm afraid that the more time we spend apart now, the more we'll come to regret it later when this war finally comes for us." Bucky listens intently hand on the dresser propping him upright. I can tell he's deep in thought. "I'm sorry." I say burying my face in my hands. I let out a sob, "It's just all happening so fast." I'm immediately comforted by Bucky who's joined me on my bed and pulled me to him.
I know he's still upset and that I haven't explained everything in the greatest detail but the fact that he's still come to my side, it means the world. "You're right we don't know how long we'll get, but if you don't take this opportunity now you might never get another one. That is something I know you'll regret." I tilt my head up to study his eyes to see if he truly means what he says. I know what he says to be true by the way he's looking right into my eyes. "It's your opportunity and you deserve it."
"They need me in DC by July." I say recalling all the specific information. "They want me trained before winter."
He doesn't answer and I think that he might be rethinking it. "Well that's perfect. You'll be home before Christmas." He holds me a little tighter. The sentiment is kind but it seems too far away at the moment.
"What if war starts while I'm gone and..." I pull away shaking my head.
"We'll deal with that moment if it comes." He says gripping my hands. I study our interlocked fingers contemplating everything he's said. I hold them gently in my lap.
"You're right." I look up with half a smile. Partially lifting me up he surprises me with a kiss. Recognizing our truce I fall back into him as he wraps his arms around me once again, holding close.