Bound By Purpose

Another Lie From the Front Lines

War is a peculiar thing right? One second you're celebrating a minor victory and then the next it's wholly crushed you into nothing. We all lose people, that's life, but when it happens to you... When you lose that one special person in the world there is no concept of life afterwards. You go into shock and then you shut down. You might scream or cry and then collapse. It happened to me today. I lost my best friend, I lost my fiancé, and I lost myself. 

I hadn't heard a thing all day and for some reason I didn't worry. Why! Why didn't I worry? Time went on and then all at once the door opened and they were back home... They marched by me with the prisoner and I still didn't read the signs. Not one man looked at me as they passed, not one had a smile displayed on their face. When they had passed I turned, expecting to see Bucky and Steve bringing up the rear... Just Steve standing there looking sadder than I'd ever seen him. By then Howard and Peggy had already heard in the other room and were standing beside me as I realized what happened. I shook my head but Steve slowly nodded his and looked away from me. I collapsed to my knees wanting to let out a scream instead tears flooded my eyes as the arms of someone strong enveloped me easing me to the floor.

I sat on the floor silently trying to get it through my head that James was gone. Dugan and Gabe eventually joined me shushing Peggy and Howard away. They knelt down beside me and Gabe slipped his hand into mine as they both tried to explain what happened. When they got to the end I turned expecting Steve to still be in the doorway downtrodden. He wasn't there. He left me alone in this. This is Steve's fault... It is... If it weren't, he'd still be here ready to get through this together. He let James go today and now he can't even bring himself to see me...

I've already forgiven James for the slightest things he's ever done to me. We never fought like other couples... We lied, we both died and I've forgiven him. I'll never be able to forgive myself though. I let him go this morning after we gave each other everything last night. I was the one who gave them the information for the train. I trusted that he'd come back okay. Why? I thought I could trust Steve too. I won't ever be able to forgive him either. Steve let him slip through his fingers. He couldn't even bring a body back so I could mourn. He never even came by to see how I was.

Echos of Brooklyn and the sudden want of my old street floods my mind. I try to make myself smaller in my empty room by bringing my legs up to my stomach. I clench my eyes shut as I lay my head back against the wall. As I close my eyes I see Bucky smiling at me that night before he left, I see him at the bottom of my stairs, again that night where he carried me home after I slipped on ice. I find comfort in it and open my eyes willing him to be beside me. I am alone. I will never see him again. He will never come back for me. I can't sit still any longer so I stand up and move to two steps. I take in the quiet and the nothingness. 

For the first time in my life I am alone.