Chaeyoung
And I find myself stuck in this hopeless place,
the roses in the garden have blued.
And the more I wander through this maze,
all I see are meaningless hues.
I stare at the words on the paper, wondering if my songwriters will like this. I've wanted to write the lyrics to my songs, but every time I try, my words never end up making the final cut.
I'm on the flight to Australia and there are six more hours until landing. I haven't been able to catch much sleep with Lisa in my thoughts. And even right now I'm wondering if she'll ever try to talk to me again.
My phone buzzes from beside me and I startle, hitting my head on the window for the third time.
"I need to stop doing that," I groan, wondering if Jisoo just happens to have an icepack on her.
lalisa
I know you read my message
so you're just not going to talk to me?
I don't know why I decide to respond to her. Maybe it's because of my lack of sleep, or maybe it's because some part of me really, really, really wants to talk to Lisa after so many years. Probably a mix of both of those reasons, but I'm going to blame it on the lack of sleep.
me
right now isn't a good time.
lalisa
right now as in you're busy at this moment?
me
right now as in not at this point in my life
lalisa
so when is a good time?
me
what do you want with me?
why are you only talking to me now that i'm famous?
lalisa
are you accusing me of something?
me
no
I bite my lip and stare at out the window of the plane. We're passing through a cloud and it's the dead of night; the only hint of light comes from the crescent moon dangling in the distance.
lalisa
you think that i only want to talk to you now because you're famous?
do you think that i want to use you for your popularity?
me
i mean it's a plausible explanation and you said it yourself
I know that I'm being unfair to Lisa, I know that she doesn't care about how famous I am. I don't know why I'm acting like this. Maybe it's because I hit my head against the window too many times. Or maybe it's because part of me really want to get back at her for what she did to me two years ago. But I'm gonna blame it on the former.
lalisa
you know what this isn't the chaeyoung that i remember and want to be with. but if you want to ignore me so you can continue to climb up the ladder of fame than fine
I let out a hmph and bang my head back against the headrest of my seat.
"She can't fucking say that to me!" I whisper-scream, tightening my hands into fists and punching my own legs because there's nothing else to punch without severely hurting my hands. I'm glad that I'm in the first-class area or else there'd be so many witnesses to my outburst.
Jisoo is sitting next to mine, and she pulls down the divider between our two seats. "Chaeyoung, what's going on?" Jisoo mumbles, her voice is smothered in grogginess, and she's still trying to blink the sleep out of her eyes.
"She can't act like this. She can't act like it was me who ruined everything!" I pull my legs onto my seat and hug them close to my chest.
"Chaeyoung," she seems to be awake and aware by now, "is this about Lalisa?"
I'm crying by now, and Jisoo quickly leans over to comfort me in a hug. I can tell that she doesn't know what advice to give, she doesn't know what happened to be Lisa and I. Eventually, I stop crying and Jisoo pulls away, "This is such bad-timing," Jisoo says, "this is week is going to be full of promotions and I can't have you being so upset because of her." Jisoo reaches over to take my phone.
"What are you--"
"I'm keeping this until your schedule becomes less hectic. We can't have any distractions."
I want to fight back, but Jisoo is probably right. Besides, it's just for a week. And it'll be for the best. Lisa wasn't someone that I needed to talk to right now, or maybe ever.
A/N: the lyrics in the beginning were inspired by the lyrics from "don't know what to do"