Previously On IELB.
Farouk is about to propose!!!!!!!!
Disappointment,
Defeat,
Incompetence.
Read on,
How ice is stiff?
How the block is unmovable?
How devices freeze?
How the night stands still?
No, none of these defined how Muneenah froze, her eyes were focused right into his, observing them as if wanting to find out if he was truthful with his words,
Below the vast sky and beside the long sea, beneath a beautiful moon, muneenah felt like she was a part of the stars that twinkled,
Her limbs, mind, and heartbeat seemed to halt for a second, the world around her was not there anymore, everything halted for a second together with her, only one thing moved, and that was the voice moving across her mind,
I love you,
I love you.
No one in the universe had ever uttered to her what she meant to them, muneenah knew, all her life she had taken those words to be an over used quotation, never really found relevance in what they actually meant or transferred,
But staring down at Farouk, she knew she could live in a world where he kept repeating that over and over again till eternity, a flush of soft realization washed through her as he let go of her hands, a thrill spirit of sudden coldness made her quiver against the night breeze,
Everything seemed to be rushing back as his hands pulled out what seemed to be a bracelet from the box he held, and with a soft caress against her wrist, he wrapped it around it, so simple and unique, it looked.
The nature around them seemed to be in awe, the soft hums of the flowing sea as it trickled down slowly to the shores, adding rhythm to the swoosh of the trees present there as they danced traversing air all around, increasing the notes of the fantastic music, were the chirping of crickets accompanied by the flap sounds of the bats wings, every atom of living present there seemed to enjoy the magical moment together with muneenah,
Her heart began to regain its beat, as it thudded erratically against her chest, she knew it was moving with the hands of a clock somewhere around that beat tick and tock, clocking the time to 12, clocking the time to 6th July,
It felt like a dream,
Something she never wanted to be woken from, she didn't mind been in a world so perfect, surreal, amazing and fairy like.
It had to be true,
Farouk got up from his scrunched position, muneenah stood unflinching, unmoving, unblinking, she was lost in the trance of his oceans to notice any other thing, she couldn't fathom the feelings within her, it was as if all her limbs were in a vibration that seemed to be increasing with each passing second,
"So?, how was it?" Farouk spoke,
I love you,
A thrill of a calming spirit flowed through her, immersing her in bliss, bliss so profound, words do not exist to describe what it was she felt directly,
"I want to approach it the right way, you think arshlee would accept a marriage proposal?"
The moment the waves of his voice dropped, a loud thud sound from the waves of the sea as it hit the shore was heard, the magical movements of the plants seemed to stop, and like the emotions she was feeling few seconds back were stripped away by one single statement of his, the life from every being there seemed to slip.
A state of high realization hit her,
"Nina you think arshlee would finally accept me with this approach?" he asked again,
But her ears seemed to be beating too, she felt the rush of hollowness wash through her, oh it was painful, very crunching.
Her eyes looked into his, trying to find out is she did really mistake his signals, trying to find out if she was such a bad reader that she couldn't read quite what his eyes expressed, trying to find out if she was wrong to expect of him.
A part of her wanted to blame him, to hit him even, to yell at him, to cry, to let every pinching emotion she felt out, she wanted to let every guard she had down, but she also knew, that not once, not even once have Farouk ever told her to have high Hope in their relationship, not even once have Farouk ever acted out of what he normally did, it was her mistake to accept his friendship, he was only been her friend, it was all her..at the end, she fell real hard, but the feeling was not at all mutual. From the very start,she knew he loved arshlee, he loves arshlee and he would love only her.
Another part of her wanted to move closer and wrap her arms around him, hold him close and confess her heartfelt feelings, desires and wants, sob on his chest and profess the underlying admiration she had for him, But she also knew that, if Farouk would accept her love, it would be only out of sympathy not , out of sincere involvement.
"Nina, answer me" her gaze wavered, and she quickly blinked back the reflection of tears she felt against her lids, she stepped back, but still forced a smile, her lips trembled and quivered, she felt it,
Her eyes held a thousand oceans of tears, yet, none fell.
It reflected a thousand pieces of glass that are wedged in between her soul and body,
Her smile was painful,
"Omar, it's beautiful, she'd--definitely like it-" she forced another weak smile,
His eyes were concentrated on her, his full focus was on her, and one last time, she looked up to the reflection his eyes had due to the unmatched hue of the beach lights,
why did his words feel so real as if they were meant solely for her? Why did he all of a sudden divert every ounce of love she felt,to that of sadness? How did he not feel any ounce of affection or love towards her?
How could that I love you not mean a thing? How could it be only for A'Isha?
She chuckled, "but that is definitely not the proper way to kneel for a proposal, is it even necessary to propose the cliche style?"
She asked but nevertheless scrunched low and allowed the soft golden sand to absorb her one knee, the other stood in the right position,
That smile she carried was painful, crunching,
"this is how to kneel properly, but even so, it wouldn't be appropriate to hold her hands the way you did me, that is haram" she explained and got up from her position, and she knew she couldn't hold it in, no more, she quickly turned around,her back facing him, the same time a drop of tear slipped down her cheeks, she brushed it away quickly,
"you know your words should be more heartfelt than cheesy, don't tell her the color of her eyes, you should tell her something more like you mean alot to me, words cannot really describe what I feel towards you, thank you for been there for me when i had no one with me, thank you for been a friend, a best friend, I cannot thank you enough, something heartfelt, I dont think arshlee likes too much of cheese, does she?"
Sadness,
The sadness drained through her rather than skating over her skin, it travelled through every cell of hers to reach the ground, each fiber, nerve and vein in her body was aching in defeat, distress, sadness and discomfort.
She felt pitiful.
She wanted to filter every feeling of discomfort she felt, yet strangely enough, she couldn't.
It was an unforgiving pain.
"Why don't we get going? It's-quite-- late" her voice broke towards the end, but she walked away still not facing him, not turning back, she knew if she added any fake act, she would break down completely, she walked to where her shoes were, she slipped them and walked faster than Farouk towards the car.
What an early night of 6th july brought,
Now what? Would he set her free? Or would she be a first wife to him?
Would he not care for her again and would everything be over then between them?
Should that be it?
Silence was heard as their ride back home started, she was too occupied in her thoughts to realize that Farouk also was lost in his own world of thought, a night started with a sprinkle of magic ended with the dust of pain, a magical fairy like night ended not just the right way,
Her mind trailed back, to where it all started, to the beginning of it all,
January, 2010,
Abuja, Nigeria.
Would it just be normal to walk up to an entire stranger and agree to a lifetime commitment?
Was it okay to say yes with no proper background checking about the guy in question?
Was it a modest norm to run off to a faraway land, away from the country called home, with an unknown man?
Muneenah had spent the whole week praying for guidance from her lord, praying for protection against her enemies, against sediq.
She could not come up with a better solution, she didn't want to think of what would happen if sediq actually got to her, things would be messy, in her mind she knew death might perhaps be better than been in the den of sediq once again.
But marriage didnt just happen that way, parents approval, consent of both parties, mutual agreement, love, understanding, trust, mutuality, compatibility...things she had never once thought of with a stranger was what was been proposed to her,
She knew it wouldn't take long before sediq found out of her whereabout, what if this was God sending her an escape route? But how could she jump into something she wasn't sure about.
The man who proposed the deal named Farouk had gave her a month to think about it, she found it unsettling, strange, and not okay.
But again, she knew all that mattered to sediq was her signature against those papers her mother had suffered for, she knew what mattered to him was the effort of her father, she couldn't let that go, because even if she did, sediq wouldnt end it there..he wanted more than just property papers and documentaries, he wanted something she wouldnt give him by her free will .
How would she know Farouk was different from sediq? How did she know that if she indeed agreed for that marriage, it wouldn't turn out wrong?
Few hours back, she had received a call from her father, she was glad, happy, and even more ....the last time he had contacted her was since months, as she picked the call, she thought he wanted her back, she thought he wanted to apologize, she thought he would give her the protection she seeked, it was rather an order from Yaseer Sheikh himself to his daughter to get married to Farouk, or sediq would be the option,
She couldn't imagine her own father informing her of that, she could've easily not followed his command, she could've easily said no, which she did, but at the end, she realized that amongst every player of the game, the one who played fair the most, was Farouk.
With one last dua to her lord, she made up her mind, if that marriage was a blessing and a choice of her lord, then she would move forward with it, but if it wasnt for the best, she prayed for some extraordinary distraction to take Farouk and everyone involved in the game away.
Farouk helped her, he really did, to secure the attorney she had in her ownership, she informed him, everything would be over after 6th july and she would be free, but none of them spoke of what the status of their relationship would be after 6th july.
Muneenah knew her intentions were pure, she wasnt sure of Farouk's, but sometimes, it just takes moving along with faith and destiny to know what's really in store and kept for you.
Muneenah blinked back to reality as the car came up to a sudden jerk, they were back at the residence, the event of the night came rushing back to her with full force,
Muneenah waited for seconds before turning her door knob, she hopped out and watched Farouk get out also, he narrowed his way to her side and she began to walk towards the front porch of their house,
"aren't you coming in?" she questioned as she turned around realizing he was still standing by his car as if lost in his own trail of thoughts,
"oh, no, I have somewhere to be--"
"its pass mid-night omar, are you sure?"
"yeah, its important" he announced and she paused and glanced his way, allowed her eyes roam around him for a while,
Muneenah didnt always act on reflex, she hardly did, but as she found her self walking towards him, she knew she couldn't object to the random call, nature occured to her, once she was by his side, she leaned in close to him and wrapped her hands around him,
One feeling she could never get tired of, she could never get enough of it, his heart beat calmed her, reassured her as well broke her, reminding her of the expectations she had that crashed, reminding her of the reality check that arshlee was involved, but she knew she would be closed up to him again, like how she was when they met, so hugging him one last time was something she knew she wouldnt regret,
She felt it, she was hugging him for the last time,
"Tonight was beautiful, thank you" she muttered against his chest and released him, she stretched her hands forward and let her eyes fall to the bracelet that dinged around her wrist,
"I guess this is Arshlee's" she spoke softly, she knew her voice sent waves to his ears , he stared briefly at her as if stopping him self from performing some act, as if he was intending to do something, his eyes were closed up, they reflected something entirely different to his motions, his finger tips gently brushed against her wrist igniting a thrill of electricity everywhere in her, he swiftly pulled it out.
"it was an honourable pleasure to be with you tonight" he replied and she nodded before moving away from him, she walked away, and each step she took, she knew was an inevitable progression into a future she couldn't quite grasp, she knew with each distance that increased between them, it was like a magnetic repelling force that pushed them far to either sides of the pole,
Glancing one last time at his retreating figure that walked back to his car, she pushed the door closed and after securing the lock, she ran up the stairs,
She tried her best to not let the crunching feeling that was overwhelming her stop her from getting her answers, but with each step, she knew it was her, hardening her heart and stiffening it from the love it deserved, finally, she stood in contact to his closed doors,
On normal days, she would've thought twice about invading his room that way, but she didn't this time, she pushed the door opened and it was not hard to find the keys to that wardrobe after rummaging through few cupboards,
Muneenahs hands shivered as she turned the key to the one locker she knew would gain her much answers,
But she didn't stop, she couldn't stop, not when she had come this far, she didnt know where she gained that courage, when even her vision was blurry and disfigured, when even her limbs were numb of sadness and defeat, one last string of nerve that held her was to find out who, one last question that left her to her feet was,
Who is her teddy bear?
She pulled it open, and she didn't try to sneakily peep into the rectangular box, she jerked it out of its place, it wafted a scent of time, a scent of memories, undiscovered, hidden, covered, mysterious.
Just like his eyes.
She sat down on the rag, just away from Farouk's bed, merging her back to it in the process, she pulled open the box,
Him,
A picture of him was there, different pictures, one, he was on the horse, another, he was holding a cricket bat, next one was with his mouth smudged with chocolate, then there was s family photo of only ummee, ukhtee, him, and another boy who had blue eyes.
No, it was not faruk.
Her teddy bear was not Farouk, she was a fool to expect him to be,
Expectation,
Expectation,
Expectation,
At the end, it hurt only her, she noticed the eye color, one thing she didnt notice from the other picture she took the other day, because she was clouded by her desire to be loved, her desire to find him, her expectation that he should be Farouk so things could be easier.
At the end, he was dead.
Her sadness turned to hollowness and before she could stop herself, streaming tears cleansed her red cheeks, few droplets remained, forgetting their way as the path was swept from beneath them, as she got tired of shoving the tears away, she let them slid, waves of sadness she felt, something only the broken encounter, the salty release calmly flowed into her mouth so that she could taste her own sorrow,
It pained her, more than Farouk loving arshlee did, it pained her that he was dead, it pained her that she desired someone that was no more, years back, it pained her that each night, before she slept, she thought of a dead someone, it pained her that she had dreamt, a dream that could not be fulfilled.
Death, he faced it, he went through the pain, yet she blamed him for it every single day of her life, she wanted him to answer questions she had, not knowing, there was no way he could do so. He died, and he was not at fault,
Her cries turned into sobs that shook her entire body, the pressure and effect of her cries increased her sobbing voice but she didnt stop it, she was grieving a death that happened ten years back, like a lifeless corpse, she sat navigated towards the rectangular box,
A letter caught her attention, it was a handwriting, very beautiful, and she didnt think twice before she pulled it out.
Happy birthday teddy pie, keep been the beautiful princess you are, Always thank your lord for every single situation you find your self in.
It was written in it, a lump found it's way to her throat, he had written that for her, it was obvious, it was the day he didnt meet her, the day he had departed the universe, muneenah stared at the paper for a while, he'd have sat her down and read it out for her knowing she wouldnt quite understand his words.
The absurd nature of reality, ten years back, he had written that wish, now ten years into the future, she had found it and read it on 6th july, celebrating birthdays was never a part of muneenah's Agenda, she always made her self believe it was only an innovation created from the modern centuries and it was never practiced before, another reason, she knew no one wished her except her self on her birthday,
Muneenah smiled amidst her tears, it was surprising how she was able to get up and walk to her room to grab her not pad, it was surprising how her hands despite quivering, opened a page on her note pad, a new page, she cleaned her tears, as she began to write,
6TH JULY
Something about this particular date, creates in me, a feeling, something I do not quite know how to define, explain, or describe in words.
6th July defines my true self and it's beautiful how, a day amongst 365 days is attached to me,
On this day, years back, well I'm not even sure if the date is accurate, but if I choose to go with what I've been told and what my birth certificate claims, then, on this particular day, some years back, i was contributed to the population of the earth,
A tiny creature brought to the face of earth, i was very light i suppose, perhaps adorable even, how many people were happy to see me? Touch me? And hold me?
How many people thanked Allah, and prayed for me? They had to be much, because today, all I can say is Alhamdulilah.
Growing up innocently, as a beautiful gem, unaware of the cruel nature of the universe, I stepped up the struggles of childhood, held up my character of hardwork and kindness, to the numerous kids I've come across, I was always determined, and through out the years, I was a kid, I achieved, just what I needed to...Alhamdulilah.
Down the routes of neither becoming a teenager nor being a kid, I had faced challenges, some,it was just me, overthinking, at a young age, I knew what it was like to see someone sad and feel it despite not been in their place, still at that age, I had figured out just well how to relate to circumstances and situations, but during this span, one thing was for sure, for the people who knew what true purpose of life was, I was liked. Perhaps it was the way I looked, people claimed I was cute, or perhaps it was how silent I was that caught their attention, it might as well be how intelligent Allah made me at that age, whatever it was...I was amiable, now that I look back, at those days, i conclude, it's just for a reason and that is, the love of Allah. Alhamdulilah.
I came across alot of fluctuating people in my life, some I held dear to my heart, others I did not, some, I had a mutual connection with, others, not really, they were just a part of my journey I had to relate with. Along this coast of an adventure I choose to call life, along this route of growing into maturity, I've learnt to become responsible, for not just my self but for the people around me, what do I do that will make them smile? What will I do to improve their mood? What will i do that will make me be rewarded and make their love increase for me?
Why I had to care for their approval and love? I'm not entirely sure, but it has become a part of me, that sometimes I sit and cry, then ask my self why it needs to be me who feels it deep in them when something out of order happens, why do I feel like it's a liability on me to make sure it goes all good? Why do I compromise on my happiness to make the people around me happy even when sometimes it's not really recognized? Is it because I crave for love? Is it because I'm choiceless, or perhaps helpless? No, today I realize, that responsibility isnt a liability, being responsible isnt an obligation, to know right and to not be care free about little things does create peace of mind, today, I realize, that each smile, effort, work, sweat, tears, compromises, concessions I've ever made through the journey of my life, were all in my favour. Only if I knew the blessings that await me with Allah.. Alhamdulilah.
I'd kept growing, with each stage, differentiating what was right from wrong, dreaming along the routes, oh I became a dreamer, a heart with desire, a soul with passion and fervour, became a girl with persistence and fierce determination, giving an image of a perfect illustration of value, in a world where every person has a right to expect a work of art, I have been given freedom, opportunity and life..the greatest gift I'd always thank Allah for. Despite the odds, despite the bumps, oh yes I fell, alot of times, some, I was picked up by courtesy, some, I was picked up by those who truly cared, others, I was thought how to rise on my own, strength, was a virtue I obtained and learnt during a stage of my life.. for that sole virtue...Alhamdulilah.
In a society, where a perfect work of art is expected, where the ugly claim you not beautiful, where the tainted refers to you as imperfect, in a society, where everyone expects you to be a refining, uplifting force in your community, an inspiration perhaps, to those living a life of danger and grief, an expectation of great character and distinction tamed into a definition of culture and tradition wrapped around the ideal image of perfection. I stood out, became a gem amidst stones, wherever I went, I knew I had to be noticed, whenever I spoke, to those who did want to admit it, I know alot were awed and inspired, rather than shattering what I had into unsightly pieces of stone, I became a monument of beauty and grace, offcourse discovered by a few...but I did learn, that great advantages bring great responsibilities, oh I was ready, to face the world, to stand up with zeal, isn't that enough? Alhamdulilah.
Why did I have two eyes when some had none? Why did I walk alright when some held sticks? Why did I use my limbs so perfectly when some struggled to do so? Why did my heart beat perfectly when it was no different from those who struggled for just a beat? Why was I a normal kid in a world where alot of unusual personalities were seen? Why did it have to be me who had a father alive when death could've easily reached him? Why was I given birth to, and breaded in a country as safe as Nigeria, when I'm no different to the numerous and countless humans whose lives are threatened in some countries and places out there? What's my speciality that despite not been thankful, for breathing to begin with, I still had a roof over my head with non of my hard work or grace? What's so different about me from the girls who walk around with tattered cloth seeking a three square meal? Who am I to have the privilege to education? What am I, lest a human being that I was given the ability to worship in a world where that has become a huge issue to? These were questions, I started to get, and ask my self. I did face problems and I do face problems, non like mine I suppose, but at this point where growing up was at a peak, I realize, someone, out there, has bigger problems, problems are: not knowing your lord, not worshipping him sincerely, not been loyal about your faith, drinking, having illegitimate relationships and intimacy, problems are characterized not by things that end in the world but by things that do not. Today I realize, that, my problems? Are not problems, they are tests, Allah tests only who he loves and whom he trusts...Alhamdulilah.
Everyone moves into a category of life where separation is inevitable, I've lost someone too, infact alot of people, oh the feeling was crunching, knowing you wont get to see them again, knowing that only memories would remain, the memories were as well torturing, it's an unexplainable feeling, deserting and sad, you grieve, but you also move.. you shed tears, but it also passes, you feel it deep there when you remember it, but do you even have a choice? Ive long accepted that no matter what, just someday, I will be seperated by someone, no matter the love we might share...its inevitable, as well..beautiful..Alhamdulilah.
One great achievement that I can remember oh very clear, when I had come across a quote that spoke about how teenage ages are the ages of disrespect and betrayal to parent, that very moment, I made a promise to my self that, I would do nothing in my power or knowingly to upset my parent. Oh it was hard, I wasnt always at fault, but delving into their importance in my life, I focused on gaining Allahs pleasure through them, passing through the arguments, the shouts, the anger, I restrained it, oh I had wanted to shout, hit the table, insult even, but no! If only I knew...these hardships are what make up life, happily, I lived pass them, when I look back at those days today, they are gone and there is no more gaining pleasure of Allah through them, I do not regret making the best use out of it, Alhamdulilah.
Born an imperfect human on 6th july, immature even to prove that point, I've gone through alot of trials testing what my perfection really is, it didnt have to be me being judged by lots of people, I do have alot of imperfections, to name a few, I'm rude, possessive, I do not smile when not necessary, I do not forget, it's weird how the list could go on and on, but today, in contrast to the numerous days I do not accept my perfections, I am beautiful, gorgeous even, seeing my creation, the few times I've stared into the mirror.. it's just Alhamdulilah.
Knowing my poise and grace, my manner and attitude, my perception and understanding, my love and affection, everything Allah has made of me is truly beautiful ...Alhamdulilah.
I had grown, I have grown, to be me, I have grown to be a perfect imperfectionist, I have seen me tame my imperfections in ways only I can handle, I've watched my self increase in knowledge and deen, I've watched me from a distance admiring my soul, my purity,my standards, my rules, my being, I've grown to love my self, the whole me, with each day, I've learnt to strive, and well,....
The day, along the coast of this adventure I again term as life, that was my best, I do not quite remember when,but it was the day I came to terms and answers to every question I've asked my self since my childhood... I'm not too sure what the so many questions were but the answer was one, and true.. the true happiness and purpose of this world does not lie in worldly affairs...Alhamdulilah, I understood that, at a very young stage.
Life moves on, sometimes it's dark, sometimes its hazy, in my case, most times, its dreadful, other times, its happy and all colours of rainbow, but the thing is, the journey doesn't stay still till it reaches that final destination, that doesn't make the journey any less beautiful...oh I did come across beautiful people, people who cared, loved, and treated me so well... Alhamdulilah.
I do not know what the future hold, I also am not sure if the days ahead are about to be brighter or the opposite, i have no clue of the future or of what it holds, I'm reluctant to step into it because the feeling is quite strange growing up..I find it awkward,
But coming across some profound advices given by angel gabriel to the prophet(pbuh), some days back, I relate to his words where he says:
*عش ما سعت،ف انك ميت.
*وحبب ما شعت،ف انك مفارق.
*وعمل ما شعت،ف انك مكذي بح.
*وعلم أن شرفل مغمن،قيامه بالليل.
*و أذه استغناه ان ناس.
*live as you will, but know that one day you're going to die.
*Love whom you will, but know that one day,you'll be seperated from that person.
*Do as you will, but know that, you will be compensated and rewarded accordingly.
*Know that the nobility of a believer is standing up in prayer at night invoking to his lord.
*And his dignity,is his being independent of people.
Lesson? Oh that was enough lesson for me.
Happy birthday to me,
🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁
Its surprising how I managed to update today, something in me was urging to update on this 6th july... and I did.
To all my amazing readers who wished me a happy birthday🥰, thanks y'all, to others who claimed it to be muneenah's birthdate or the date teddy bear and teddy pie left each other😒😒 let's pretend it didn't affect me.
😂😂Lol, that aside, what do you think about this chapter? It was roughly written, I didnt go into details nor did I describe it well enough I suppose, my favourite part was the letter.
It's beautiful writing a birthday wish for your self the night of your birthday after every bodies wish, yours remain the most special. You thank your lord for your blessings..its beautiful.
What was your most favourite part?
And we finally found out who 'THE' teddy bear is😂 where are the 'its farooq gang?'
Are things getting more complicated? Or are they getting brighter? 😂lol, as my superman would say, the more you look, the less you see.i advice you not to look too much into the happenings of this book.
This days, I love saying Lol... I kept replying my birthday messages with 'lol thank you' 'lol thank you'
😂LOL.
Next chapter? Well🤔 things might just get more interesting,
Lol😂
Before I halt my rambling, I need you guys to answer a quick question: home or cafe?
I do not always emphasize on your commenting, but do answer this particular question: home or cafe? Lol.
Jazaakumullah khair,
Khadijah🌹