I stir the eggs in a bowl and add chopped tomatoes before pouring it onto the hot pan. I hear footsteps from behind me. "Smells good," Maddie says and jumps up on the kitchen bench.
"Thanks. Sleep well?"
"Yes, how 'bout you? Seems like you had a lot going on in your mind last night."
"Took me some time to fall asleep. Seeing Sam surely didn't do me any good, and neither did seeing Hugh."
"Hugh, as in Adam's friend?"
"The one and only," I sigh.
"What ever happened between you two? You seemed to be quite interested when we went to Argyle back in January for Adam's birthday."
I huff. "Total douche, I tell you. Remember we went to the toilet, once I got back he was making out with another girl. Apparently, he only wanted to hook up with someone. Seems like that was all he wanted last night too."
"I'm sorry," she says.
"I'll never find a decent guy. Or actually I just did, but he wasn't the one for me. Why is it we always fall for the wrong person?"
"Because if we always saw eye to eye with someone we would get bored. We need some resistance otherwise what's the point? We need to be challenged and we need to work for it in order to grow. If it comes easy, we don't appreciate it as much."
"But it shouldn't be like that," I say adding salt and pepper to the eggs.
"You'll find someone who's right for you eventually. I know it. And just so you know, there's nothing wrong with being single."
I send her a smile. "I sure am done with guys for now."
"Just tell me one thing, this Harry was he good in bed?" She chuckles, and I roll my eyes.
"You're unbelievable."
"This is exciting. You've been screwing someone for months and you haven't told me. He better be good if he got you to open up like that."
"Please don't call it that." She's making it sound like it was only sex between us. Sure, Harry and I did have sex, but I'd like to believe that it was more than that.
"You really did love him didn't you?" She asks rhetorically. I nod and she jumps down on the floor and places a hand on my back. "I'm sorry, Lee," she says, and I send her a smile and grab two plates.
"Thanks. It's my own fault. I knew he was taken when it began, I should never have gotten through with any of it. Sleeping with him was wrong."
"I know that, and you know that. That doesn't mean we are bad people for acting irrationally."
"Right," I say hearing her loud and clear. That doesn't mean I couldn't have spared myself from the pain though.
"Now, just out of curiosity. You don't by chance have a picture of him do you?" She is so curious, but so would I if the roles had been reversed, and therefore I don't blame her.
"Grab the bread from the toaster will you. I'll find my MacBook and I'll show you while we eat," I say wanting to scold myself for keeping pictures of Harry. I still have all the pictures from his parents' anniversary, and I still have the pictures from our trip to LA. And then there's all the pictures from in between. Stupid selfies and pictures of Harry I caught with my phone when he wasn't looking. I find the folder and let her scroll through the pictures.
"He is so fit!" She exclaims and raises her eyebrows at me. "No wonder he was able to get into your panties," she says, and I roll my eyes once more. Why does she have to choose those words? Then again, the fact that she is taking this so lightly does make me feel slightly better. But boy do I miss him. "God, girl, why did you let this one go?"
"He's kinda taken, and he's becoming a father. I'm not really sure how I fit into that," I sigh, adding butter to my bread. "Besides, I'm not really sure I meant anything to him. Perhaps, Sam lied when she told me, he misses me. I mean why would he tell her that if Kaia is pregnant."
"I don't think she was lying," Maddie says, and I look at her confused with my mouth full of toast. She shows me a picture, and I raise my eyes at her. "The way he's looking at you. If that's not love I don't know what it is," she says, and I study the picture. It was taken in Hollywood. It's one of those that the woman took of us, the one who told us not to let go of love. "And this one here," she says showing me another picture from the beach. "He's definitely infatuated with the person behind the lens and if I'm not mistaken that's you. "There are a ton of these, Lee."
I bite my lip and feel my heart aching for him. "But even if he did love me, it doesn't matter, he's not here anymore."
As if on cue my door phone buzzes indicating that someone's at the door. "Who's that?" Maddie asks, and I shake my head.
"I dunno. I'm not expecting anyone," I say and walk to the door to pick up the door phone. "Hello."
"Lee." The name instantly makes my heart stop beating for a moment. I can detect that voice from anywhere.
"It's him," I mouth to Maddie and her eyes widen. The excitement is evident on her face, and goosebumps arise on my skin, I don't know what it is that he wants, but I'm not sure I'm prepared for it.
"Lee," he repeats as if afraid that I have left.
"I'm here, Harry,"I say staring at my fingers trying to comprehend what is going on.
"Can we talk?" He asks, and I gulp biting my lip. What is there to say? "Please," he adds when I don't answer immediately.
"Okay. Just give me five, and I'll come down," I say and hang up.
"What was that about?" Maddie asks.
"He wants to talk, told him I'd come down. God, Maddie I'm not sure I can handle seeing him again."
"You'll be fine. Go get dressed. Don't think about me, I'll clean this up and lock myself out."
"Thank you," I say feeling bad for abandoning her out of the blue. I go to my room and strip out of my clothes. Clearly leaving the apartment in hot pants in June wouldn't be a good idea. I put on a thong, and throw on a pair of boyfriend jeans. I find a clean bra that matches the thong. God why am I even thinking of putting on matching underwear right now? I put on a tee, a black sweater and socks and head for the bathroom to clean my teeth. Did I even brush my teeth last night? I put on some deodorant and place my hair in a ponytail and then I find Maddie in the kitchen. "Thanks again, love," I say, and give Maddie a cuddle.
"Good luck," she says, and I head towards the door not sure I'm ready for this, but at the same time I'm eager to see him. I put on a leather jacket and a pair of Nikes and leave the apartment.
I clutch my hands as I walk down the stairs and take a deep breath as I make my way out the door.
"Hi," he says with his hands in his jean pockets. He's wearing jeans. I don't know why I'm paying so much attention to that, but I always loved when he'd wear a simple pair of jeans instead of his dress pants.
"Hi," I say crossing my arms. The hostility radiating off me is making us both uncomfortable, but I don't know what to say or do around him anymore. He fucking broke my heart, and here he is walking right back into my life and all I can think about is how good he's looking in a pair of jeans. I look up and my eyes meet his. I have a thousand questions running through my mind and I open my mouth ready to speak, but no words leave my mouth. "How you going?" I ask and want to mentally slap myself for asking that question. In all honesty, I don't really care about how he is. I motion for us to head towards the beach and he follows me.
"I'm awful," he confesses taking me aback by his statement.
"I'm sorry to hear that," I say looking at my feet. I'm not sure what to say or do. When did everything turn so awkward between us?
"How are you?" He asks as if not wanting to discuss him which doesn't make any sense considering he came here to see me, clearly he must have something important to tell me, otherwise he wouldn't have come? Or would he?
"Could have been better," I confess as we cross the road. "Now tell me, why are you here?"
"I talked to Sam. She says she saw you last night. Hope you aren't too hungover," he says, and I feel like Sam has been spying on me or something. She doesn't know how much I had to drink.
"I'm fine," I say as we walk along the beach. I've always liked Sam, but she shouldn't be telling Harry all these things about me. Or maybe all she's told him is where she found me and he just assumed I'd been drinking.
"Good," he says his hands are still in his jean pockets.
I grab his arm and forces him to stop and look him in the eyes. "Harry cut to the chase. Why are you here?"
"I miss you," he says, and although he's telling the truth he's not making me feel any better. I hope he hasn't come all this way to just tell me that.
"Yeah, Sam told me last night. If you've nothing new to say I think I should head back," I say and take a step away, but he grabs my arm and as much as I don't want to give in, he pulls me right back where he wants me. I look back up at him awaiting his next words.
"Kaia and I aren't together anymore," he says, and although I want to be happy it doesn't seem to change anything. She's still pregnant, and I'm not getting into that.
"I honestly don't know if you want me to congratulate you or tell me how sorry I am," I say trying to stay unaffected, and I think my words hurt him.
He looks at me with sad eyes, and I feel an ache in my heart. I don't want to hurt him. "She cheated on me. The baby's not mine," he says and once again I stop breathing.
"I'm sorry, Harry," I say noticing how his eyes tear up. But I honestly don't understand why he's so upset. It's not like she did anything he hadn't done to her too.
"I don't understand how she could make me believe it was mine. I was actually getting really excited to become a father, and I had started to buy all these little things for the baby, and then she just comes and pulls the rug out from underneath me. It feels like she has stolen the baby from me, although it was never actually mine. Who does something like that?" He asks, and I notice the silent tear that falls down his cheek and out of instinct I wrap my arms around him and pull him close to me. It starts an avalanche, and suddenly I'm standing with Harry's quivering body as he cries into my neck. "I'm sorry, Lee. I'm so so sorry," he says and right there I'm not mad at him. But although I think what Kaia did is wrong, I don't think Harry has been much better in all this. He used me too just like Kaia used him. "I'm really sorry, Lee. I should never have left, you," he says grabbing my waist and holding me tight against his chest.
"But you did, Harry," I say pulling back to look him in the eyes. "And I can lie and say it didn't hurt, but it did. You stepped all over me, and you did so as if I meant nothing."
"I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you."
"I'm not sure I believe you," I say letting go of him. "You called me naive for thinking I actually meant more to you than Kaia did."
"You did. You do. I didn't mean what I said. And I'm sorry I was leading both of you on, that wasn't right of me."
"I just- I can't believe this is happening," I say shaking my head. "So there's apparently another man who's been sleeping with Kaia, who's been sleeping with you, and you've been sleeping with me," I say trying to comprehend everything that's going on. What if I caught something? The thought is making me want to throw up. It's scary the fact that I can possibly have caught something from some guy I don't even know, and then I could possibly even have passed it on to Jared. What an embarrassing call that will be, and it'll only cause him even more pain, and I don't want to hurt him more than I already have.
"I'm clean," he says, clearly he's been thinking the same as me, but if Harry's clean that means that so am I and a stone is suddenly lifted off my chest, yet I don't feel much better. Harry's presence is still bringing back a lot of uncomfortable things that I'd rather try and forget.
"At least that's something. But the fact that you made me feel so worthless about myself hurt, Harry. It hurt so so much."
"I'm sorry, Leah. I didn't want to hurt you."
"Your apologies are getting old, Harry. You really made me feel like I was just a piece of shit to you - like I'd been your lap dog that you could do with whatever you liked. That that was all I was to you," I say meeting his eyes feeling my tears press on.
"But it wasn't like that. It never was. You mean so much more to me than you can possibly know, and the fact that I've made you feel this way is killing me. I don't want to see you hurt," he says, and I sigh deeply staring at the sand. I really want to give into him, but at the same time I know I deserve better. I should not let someone walk all over me like that and then just forgive him instantly.
"I love you, Lee," he says and my head snaps up by the words. That's exactly what Maddie said too, but right now all he has done is hurt me.
"I love you, too," I confess and start walking in the direction of my apartment. "But it's not enough," I say unable to know if he even heard me.
He grabs my wrist. "Don't leave. It is enough. We love each other."
I look up to meet his eyes and shake my head. "It's not," I say and pull my arm away from him to walk away, but I know he's following.
"But it is," he says.
"Harry, I can't do this," I say although I really do want to give in, but I'm unaware if it's just the part of me that's scared of being lonely that wants me to, or if it's because I think Harry and I could actually be something.
I hear Harry breathing hardly, "Think of what we could be. You and I are perfect together," he says, and I close my eyes liking that thought, but the truth is we are not. He and Kaia might have broken things off, although I'm unsure of how they've broken that to their parents, but that doesn't mean I fit into Harry's life. I know his parents wouldn't be thrilled to hear he had found someone else. Someone like me.
"We're not," I say letting the tears slip down my eyes as I cross the road practically running.
"Leah," Harry calls, and I can tell he's running after me and as I reach the door and unlock it, he is right next to me grabbing my arm. "Don't do this. Don't shut me out," he says looking at me while I look at him and down at my foot that's blocking the door from locking. I look back at him unaware of what to say or do and when I don't speak he runs his thumb over my cheeks and wipes away my tears. "I don't like seeing you this way. I don't want to see you hurt," he says and feeling his touch on my bare skin is too much for me. I just want to feel him. I want to touch him and I want to pretend that nothing else in the world exists but him, and so I do the only thing I know I shouldn't. Standing on my toes I lean in and touch my lips against his. He responds immediately grabbing my waist and pulls me inside the building although our lips still connect us. I push my tongue inside his mouth and wrap my arms around his neck as we make our way to the lift. Is it possible that he has missed me just as much as I've missed him? I can feel myself getting wet already, and I wonder how it is that he has such a big affect on my body when Jared did absolutely nothing. I sure hope Maddie is gone. How long were we even at the beach? Harry grabs the hem of my sweater and tee and runs his hands underneath it feeling the skin, and my heart starts beating faster as goosebumps arise on my skin. The lift rings letting us know we've arrived, and I let go of Harry's lips and send him a smile as I pull him out of the lift and grab my keys to unlock the apartment door.
"After you," I say holding the door open for him, and he enters the apartment with a big smile on his face and drags me with him before closing the door with his foot. We both take off our shoes and I take a quick look to make sure we're alone. We are, and I mentally thank Maddie for not staying any longer. I quickly pull off my jacket and remove my sweater. Harry mirrors my actions and takes off his jacket and throws it somewhere on the floor leaving it behind like I did my jacket and sweater. I grab his hand and lead him to the bedroom as if he doesn't already know where it is. I remember the first time he was here. I was sick and he had brought me soup. God that felt like such a long time ago. Although, he hurt me, he surely did have a good side to him as well. I grab the hem of my tee and pull it over my head, and Harry pushes me down on the bed and gets on top of me. He grabs my left side with his right hand and runs it up and down. I grab his nape and pull him down to kiss him. His right hand runs further up and he stops at my left breast and pulls it out from the bra. He leans down and starts licking my nipple and I let out a moan as his lips connect with my sensitive spot. Underneath him I unbuckle my jeans and he removes his lips from my skin and helps pulling the jeans off of me along with my socks. I'm suddenly happy to have chosen matching underwear, even if Harry has seen me in practically anything. I watch as he pulls his tee over his head and reveals his bare torso. God, is it wrong to say I've missed those abs? I can already feel myself practically dripping in between my legs. Laying back down on top of me, he grabs my hands in his and kisses me passionately. My heart beats a bit faster, but only because it's getting harder to breathe normally as the adrenaline is pumping through my body. I let go of Harry's right hand and grabs his crotch wanting to unbuckle his jeans, but it's impossible to do with one hand. He's hard though, and I love that he's hard for me. Harry pulls back with a smile on his lips and chuckles.
"I'll do it," he says and sits up on his knees to unbuckle them. He gets off the bed and pulls down both his jeans and boxers and removes his socks with his feet. "You know, I'm beginning to think you're wearing too much clothes, although I must admit I like this on you," he says referring to my bra.
"Well why don't you do something about it then?" I ask sitting up,and he reaches his arms around my back to unclasp my bra.
"See. Much better," he says as he pulls my bra off and throws it to the floor. I roll my eyes at him and chuckle. "Are you being sassy now, love," he asks, and I roll my eyes at him again. He leans down and kisses me, and I grab his shoulders and turn him around so that I'm on top. He grabs my hips and stares at me intensely. I lean down and kiss his torso, and while I do I feel him playing with my thong.
"Is someone getting impatient?" I ask looking back up at him.
"I'd just like to get this off of you," he winks at me.
Our eyes cross as I get on my knees and slowly pull down my thong. I get off of him and pull it off completely before straddling him once more.
Staring at Harry in his sleep, I get a feeling of déjà vu. The only thing is, I can't leave this time as this is my place. I don't know what has gotten him this tired, but I can't help but smile a little. He seems so peaceful, untroubled, and I hate to think of how badly Kaia actually hurt him. Perhaps, he hasn't slept well in a while. I once heard that if someone is comfortable enough to sleep in your presence, it means they really trust you, because no person is more vulnerable than that in their sleep. That doesn't mean that this is right though. I don't know what got over me, what we did was wrong, but mostly because I've been letting Harry on. When did I become this terrible person? I want to sneak out on him, but I can't, and I don't want to wake him. I let my fingers slide over his bare arm. I get out of bed and grab my bathrope and make my way to the kitchen to get a glass of water. When did my life get so complicated? I feel like crying again just because I can't comprehend everything that is happening right now. Sleeping with Harry felt good, I'm not going to lie about that. But now I just feel empty, and I feel like so many emotions have been brought back into my life and not in a good way. I was finally starting to get on the right path and think about me and my needs for the first time in a while, and then he just have to stir up again. What had I gotten myself into? I turn on the kettle and find a mug only to find Harry approaching me in his boxers. "I thought you were sleeping," I say looking at him with a small smile.
"You left," he says coming towards me smiling back.
"You fell asleep," I say turning around to find the tea.
Harry places his hands on my hips and kisses my cheek and my body stiffens. I can't do this to him. "Harry," I say and turn around avoiding eye contact. "We can't do this."
He narrows his eyes at me. "What do you mean?"
"This. Us," I say pointing a finger back and forth between us.
"Wha'?" He says staring at me in disbelief.
"I can't to this to myself again."
"So you just sleep with me just to step all over me? I thought you were different!" He says, and I can tell he's mad, and most likely hurt.
"I didn't do this to hurt you. This is not some kind of revenge. I really do love you, but I need to focus on me. You hurt me!"
"Yeah, you've spelled that out a hundred times."
"And that's why I need some time to myself to think. I haven't really been myself since before I met you!" I confess, and he narrows his eyes at me. "Yeah, I met someone else. But I ended it because I didn't like him the way I do you. But he was good, and I honestly didn't deserve him. I was just using him. And that's not me! I'm not that kind of person. That's why I need to get my life back on track, focus on finding a job and keep away from men for a while. I need to focus on me," I say and his eyes soften as if he understands. Yet I'm not sure what he's thinking about the fact that I've been with someone else. "I do love you, although I wish I could just let you go. I love you so much, and it's killing me to do this, but I know it's the best decision."
"Maybe for you!"
"Exactly. It's the best decision for me. And that's exactly why I need to let you go. I can't live my life for other people. I need to put my own priorities first and live the life I was meant to live, otherwise I'll only end up more hurt than I already am, and that's not a life I want to live. I'm sorry that you're suffering from this too though. I never wanted to hurt you, and I hate that I'm doing this. But I do believe it's for the best. And I'm sure that with time you'll come to see that too."