—fiftyseven—
the violent ends
PAIGE WENT INTO Bradbury Medical Center, together with Lola and Willow. When they got into Jude's room, both Cain and Aoife wore similar expressions – vaguely surprised, but automatically relaxed when they noticed that Paige had thrown a smile to Lola's way.
Removing her hood, she had mildly implied a meaningful statement through her expression when Cain lurched his eyebrow up at her. Paige immediately shrugged it off, joining Robin who was lazed in the couch, her expression vacant. That made her look up at Cain again – perched atop by the edge of the settee, his figure hovering above Robin's head – and he emitted a suppressed breath, stiffly whipping his head back and forth.
"Robin?" she asked softly, her demeanor rather calculated as she didn't want to pull the girl's trigger. Reaching up to her head, she sifted her fingers through her hair and curled the stray ones behind her ear. Paige let out a relieved smile when Robin turned her attention to her, at last. It was as if she'd just gotten out of a bad dream, and Paige gave her a reassuring pressure on her hand. "You should eat. Unless you want your dad to get mad at you."
Robin got up, supporting her weight up against her side. She cast her lashes down, then stared slapdash into Jude's direction. Lola was sat near his bed while Aoife was rooted by the foot of it.
"Will he be okay?"
Paige could feel Cain's eyes boring into her head, but she dared not look. "He will be," she assured, and she meant it – because it was true. The real million-dollar question was: Will they be okay? "And he wants you to trust him. Hm?"
Blinking, Robin nodded. "Alright."
Aoife fell into steps near them. "I'll take charge. Robin, you love fried chicken, right?" Always the timid one, Robin nodded with a small smile. "Come. I know a great place" – she turned to Paige – "we won't be long."
Okay, she mouthed. "Thank you," added Paige to Aoife as soon as the two headed for the door.
All of them who was left snapped their heads to Jude's direction when he'd groaned so suddenly, albeit his eyes were closed. Without a moment's hesitation, Paige hurried to him and caged his hand to hers.
"Jude? Hey, it's okay."
When he'd heard her voice, he fluttered his eyes open but that made Paige felt horrified that she was sure her face turned blanched. This was just like the experience she had with her grandpa when he was close to his demise.
Jude's eyes were swollen, the whites had turned yellow, and he was too frail to even so much as open his mouth to speak. Paige had seen this before, and though she'd hate to admit it, the day of reckoning wasn't going any slower. Ultimately, it was heartbreaking to witness.
"Cain," Lola called in a rather hurried manner. "Have you phoned Arthur, yet?"
"He won't be out in ten," he said, now standing up behind Paige.
"Well, tell him to hurry."
"I'm on it. Hang on," replied Cain, tapping on his touchscreen busily and so fast, it looked like he was just flourishing a spell on it. They turned silent as Cain pinned his mobile against his ear before stepping a few meters off. "He's on his way," he told them after the call.
Out of stark dread, Paige pressed a kiss against Jude's hand, her eyes tightly closed to hold back her tears. "Just hold tight." These days, Jude had already turned unresponsive, so when she felt a slight pressure on her hand seconds later, she opened up her eyes in surprise. "Jude...hey."
He pulled her slightly so that she would lean closer, and he tried to whisper, "What you seek...has always been there in your heart. Even though...I won't be there to" – he paused as he evened his raspy breathing – "to witness it, I can rest easy...knowing that your prince has arrived."
Paige leaned back as his words ricocheted her back to the day she first met Jude, the part where he'd told her that she deserved to be swept off of her feet by a prince someday. She was about to say that he truly did come, and that his name's Owen Callaghan.
And the door flew open, revealing a grief-stricken Arthur, clothed in a white tee that was smudged with red sauce and whatnot, a clear indication that he had wasted no second to come all the way from work and hadn't bothered to change.
He was dead still by the door first the second he saw her, and she held her breath as she stared back at him with her heart racing wildly in her chest.
When the spell wore off, specifically his confusion and surprise from seeing her, Arthur rushed to her side of the bed; she almost grimaced when Lola's mouth twitched rather shrewdly.
Instincts kicked her out of the seat, then Arthur responsively occupied that so that now his hands were resting atop Jude's forearm. "Dad, I'm here now."
Jude gave off a weak smile and, even with his frail condition, he'd managed to envelope his son close to his chest. He seemed to have whispered something in Arthur's ear, too, as he angled his head in a way that would allow his mouth to be closer to Arthur's ear, his lips moving slightly.
That effectively tugged her heartstrings as she felt like crossing a line by just looking at them; and so she turned away and tried to dry out the tears that was threatening to spill from her eyes.
Cain gingerly wrapped a half-hug around her. She didn't fight it off as she buried her cheek in his chest. And suddenly, Arthur let out a strangled weep, making Cain pivot into the scene; Paige's shoulders jolted when she joined her love in the middle of the unbearable pain, his agony clearly evident to everyone's eyes.
His shoulders were shaking, his voice muffled between the linens of his father's bed. The room had promptly descended into the fatal and inescapable truth – that Jude would never wake up again to see another day.
﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏
Pretty much everyone who'd been in the room when Jude took his last breath had gone outside, save for Arthur, so he could mourn his dad alone. Robin and Aoife had arrived minutes later then.
While the little girl might not had been in her best state for days on end, she didn't seem too shocked about the news. It was like she had come prepared; expected the way things would end in the long run. Better among any of them.
They were all seated on the chairs by the waiting area in the hall that was fronting the door. Paige watched as Robin trod towards the room and had left the door opened. She sniffed, craning her neck to see how Arthur was doing.
He was still now. Calm like untroubled waters. Although he'd likely refused any contact at the moment.
She looked down at her phone when it shook in her hand, only now seeing Owen's missed call. Had she not checked her mobile, she would never notice right away that Isolde had also sent her a message – asking where she was.
But she didn't answer any of them.
Paige took a deep breath and braved herself further. And as she now stood up guardedly close to Arthur's sitting form, she couldn't help but feel something so foreign. He was so fixed in his seat, vacantly staring down at Jude.
It was easier to approach someone when you knew what they were thinking. But this one was vastly different. Arthur had no emotion at all, it seemed. And that made her more unsettled.
"Arthur," her tone was tentative, and his shoulders had immediately stiffened. "I'm so sorry." Paige worried her bottom lip when he didn't so much as twitch his fingers. "I just –"
"I couldn't save him."
Her insides faltered. Slowly, Arthur turned to her with an expression so blank no one could possibly unravel him. "It's not your fault," she rejected firmly. "It's just is, Arthur."
Throwing all hesitations out of the window, she knelt on one knee and reached for his hand; and for a split-second, Arthur's features softened. But his previous expression outshone it.
"You gotta get up."
"No." She stared right into his green eyes, giving the back of his hand a slight pressure. "I won't say I've been where you are because my life experiences are different than yours. But I need you to let go of that guilt. You've done your best, I know. But what we also have to understand is that Jude's at peace, wherever he is right now." Paige tossed a second look at Jude's calm form. "Now, he can finally rest."
His silence spanned for what seemed like forever. But when he regained himself on a levelheaded footing, he started to nod. Arthur pulled her up as he straightened at the balls of his feet; and she looked up at him rather timidly.
"You always know the right words to say," he murmured. "Thank you."
Paige gave him a tight smile. "I don't, actually. But you're welcome. It doesn't get easy. It gets worse, Arthur, but it's part of the healing process. Just know that you're not alone in this."
To her utter surprise, Arthur pulled her in instead. She could feel his taut muscles around her back and the rustle of her jacket beneath the pressure of his arms; felt the hairs on her nape standing up with every exhale he made as he breathed through her hair.
It seemed inappropriate but there was no other better time than the here and now.
"I know I'm not alone," he murmured, responsively making her winding her arms around his waist tightly and closed her eyes to breathe him in. Thoroughly. Like it was going to be the last time she'd be able to embrace him this much.
Someone cleared their throat that broke them apart. It wasn't Robin who was sitting on the other side, brushing her hand down Jude's head. So they looked by the door and her cheeks flamed when they found Archer standing there.
"Hey," he said, lines etched between his eyebrows. But when his eyes strayed at her, he tried to lift up a smile before looking sideways.
And then Owen emerged behind him.
﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏
"She couldn't find you in your office," Owen said, at last, after being so silent for so long.
He'd only stared at Jude for a couple of seconds earlier before nodding at Arthur. Somehow, even though Owen wasn't too clearly happy about seeing her with Arthur, he was being respectful and civil enough.
Then they chose to sit in Owen's car so they could talk privately. So far, that wasn't going so well, considering that they'd been enveloped with palpable silence for minutes on end.
"Yeah. It was urgent so –" Paige braced her arms around her as she turned to him, gauging his expression. "How did you find me here?"
"Well, you might have your own personal guards at your beck and call. But Isolde's the one who really pulls the strings here. They had no choice but to say where you are. It was well-timed that Archer was going in so...here I am."
"You sound mad."
Owen let out a sigh, reaching for his hand-wheel. "Of course not. I'm just upset. We're getting married and yet you're still hiding things from me. It's okay, you know? We're not kids anymore, Paige. You guys have history together, fine. But I'm better than what you think. At least, I'm trying to be."
"I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, love. It won't happen again."
He nodded. "Okay," he whispered, hooking an arm around her so that he could bury her into him like he was protecting her from the rest of the world. "Did you know him well?" he asked, referring to Jude.
"Not so much but we're close enough," she admitted. "He's a good man. Why do the good ones usually are taken so early?"
"Maybe because the angels are shorthanded in heaven."
That rather made her smile, and she placed her palm flat against his chest. She'd tilted her head so she could stare all over his face, and Owen returned a smile lovingly.
"That actually makes me feel better," she murmured, now giving the corners of his lips a feather-like brush with her own. "You're an angel."
"No," he shook his head, "you're my angel, and I love you."
﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏
Jude's life might had wilted away, but the flowers were in full bloom at his grave. Somehow, it had given Paige some hope. Things end to make room for new beginnings.
The people were already leaving after the burial, but Arthur was immovable in his spot. She was rooted a few meters off – with Aoife silently standing a little bit behind her, as she watched the scene unfold before her – all of them wore blacks, the green grass and bright colored flowers were the only things that somehow sprung the world back to life.
"Hey," Cain's voice snapped her out of her trance as he fell into a step next to her. His eyes were as blue as the skies behind him. "You alright?"
"I like to think that I am," she said with a faint trace of amusement.
His lips quirked up into a dry smirk. "We all think alike; he'll get through this. If not, I'd kick his ass if I have to."
"What a thoughtful friend you are." Their smiles didn't last for long, though, as the mood eventually left them crestfallen. "You know, he made me promise...that by the time he's gone, I'd watch over his kids for him, which I thought was you and Robin. But after the truth was revealed to me, I don't know if I'd be able to do that. At the moment."
Sighing, Cain flickered his eyes down the ground. "You still got time to change your mind." He shrugged when he noticed the flat look on her face. "Just a friendly advice. You don't want your friends make bad decisions; unless it's fun."
She rolled her eyes. "Let it go."
"Fine," he breathed. "But at least don't just stand there and go talk to him. Jouwee, me, and Lola are gonna go have some brunch. Wanna come with?"
As if on cue, a car blew its horn and two windows rolled down with Jouwee behind the wheel on the other side. Paige smiled at Lola and Jouwee before shaking her head.
"I'm good, thanks."
"Alright. See you around, then."
She soon waved them goodbye before turning in the direction of Arthur. Taking a deep breath, she guardedly walked up to him. When his eyes found her, she felt rather relieved to see that he had a smile on his face. Not quite the big, bright one but a more subdued kind.
"Where's Robin?" she asked.
"She's with Archer, in his car."
Paige nodded tentatively. "I take it that they're getting pretty close."
"Yeah, they are. He's going to take care of her for now while I settle on some things. Why're you still here?"
The question was quite off-putting for her for some reason, even though he didn't sound sarcastic whatsoever. More like surprised, actually. She thrust her hands into the pockets of her dress, trying not to chew her lip.
"Just...wanna see how you're holding up," she said in a small voice.
He nodded, and a long silence ensued. In between, she found herself fiddling with her fingers to somehow keep herself from getting anchored down into the dangerous, magnetic force Arthur had unknowingly created.
But there was only so much strength that she could take. So she tipped her head askew to look up at his side profile. The wind blew and the air danced across his face, his fringes softly brushing side to side on his forehead. She wanted to look away but couldn't.
Then, she realized one thing – the more one became damaged, the more they became invincible. He looked so much like a broken boy, with bloody fists and bruised knees and loose morals; but he wore it so beautifully that she could practically hear her heart shatter by the mere charm. It wasn't about romanticizing his brokenness, but she was left in complete awe at how he was still standing on his feet despite how ruthless the world was.
"I'm dropping out," he suddenly said, making her frown in surprise. "I have bigger priorities right now and I constantly put college in the back seat these days, anyway. Just, um – just letting you know."
"But what's bigger than college to you?"
He quietly chuckled, his lips curving up into somewhat a mischievous smirk and casually stared down at his leather shoes. "I don't know. Work, money? Life. The possibilities are endless. I feel like I'm only limiting myself within the bounds of the academe." He laughed again, this time more audible. "Shit, I don't know. I'm just talking nonsense, really."
"No. I know what you mean. There's so much out there that you can explore."
"Yeah, speaking of, I'm gonna take a few days off. Weeks, probably. So you won't be seeing me for awhile. I mean, it's not like we have to. I'm sure you'd be busy preparing for the wedding by then."
That really hurt her. Indescribably hurt. So she could only nod at that.
"Where're you going?"
He let out a pregnant sigh, squinting ahead since the sun was pouring its shine down to earth. It was good enough that there was a tree close by, giving them a good shade.
"Well, I'm going west. Rockstring, that's a first for sure. I'm going to see the place where my dad originally wanted to rest. Next to my grandparents, so...I'd be making some arrangements for the transfer to the other burial site once I've enough money for that. But I'm not rushing. And then after that, go further, I guess. I need some time alone to think, you know, reevaluate my life. There's just so much that's going on and –"
"Hey," she clasped her hand around his wrist, effectively cutting him off, "take all the time you need. And then come back to us. To me." The words slipped before she could even stop herself, flushing terribly when Arthur pulled his eyebrows together, the realization slowly dawning in his eyes. "I mean, you know, as a friend."
He was silent for a moment, deliberating his words carefully inside his mind. It took him a few good seconds before shaking his head. "I don't think that's even an option right now, Paige. We can't be friends. Sorry," he averted his eyes, and she promptly bit back the bile rising up in her throat, "I just can't do it. And I really don't want you to get in trouble."
She faced forward. And no matter how hard she tried, it was tough to remain her breathing even and her vision completely dry. "I understand," she replied solemnly, but her features winced for a split-second. "It's just going to make things more complicated."
Arthur sighed. "Yeah, about that. I've already submitted my resignation both for Manor Hotels and the park. I've sent a few applications for another companies," he added with a casual nod, when her eyes wandered back to his in utter surprise. She'd seen it coming, but hearing it from him was another story altogether. "It's better this way, Paige."
"How does that make things better, though?" she asked, with a tinge of pain lacing her voice. "I'd be more relieved to know that you're there. That we've finally come to a good place, that we've accepted our fate. Even though we won't be talking, at least I can see that you're okay."
"I won't be when you're around," Arthur quickly reasoned. "Because that's the thing – I can't accept that I can't be with you, and I don't want to accept it. But we've already dug a deep hole for ourselves that it's too late to turn it all around. I'd tell you that we should just elope and be happy, but I'm well-aware about the mistakes I've made, the pain that I've caused you. The damage's been too far gone, and I know how much you honor your words."
She swallowed. "It just hurts so bad."
"Trust me, I feel the same way," his voice cracked, gingerly reaching up to cradle her cheek. The bowl of his palm was warm against her skin, and she felt him right into her soul. "You're a woman of virtue, Paige, and I intend to hold back my arrogance from thinking that you should be with me when in fact, it's all my fault why we've come to this. I can't let you breach a promise just because of some jerk who did nothing but to hurt you. I don't deserve you."
She nodded reluctantly, gazing up at him like he made the stars at night just for her. His green eyes shone furiously when he returned her stares. She missed the way he looked at her, she missed everything about him, and Paige immediately hated herself for yearning something so unreachable.
"You should go," he said, taking two steps backward. "I'm sure he's waiting for you."
"Will I be seeing you when you come back?"
He smirked as a breathy tone came out of his lips, brushing his fingers through his hair; only it fell back down into his eyes and temples limply.
It didn't help to let the pain subside from how beautiful this striking imperfection of a man was. He always had this look on his face where she would wonder what kind of destruction he was imagining about, only for him to smile that somehow indicated that he'd done worst than what she thought.
He broke her but she loved him, anyways.
"No," he replied seconds later, and she hated how it sounded so final. "I don't think that's possible."
Her chin wrinkled. "Why?"
"Because I might make another stupid deal with the devil again. And you know how pretty good I am in making the worst decisions."
She shook her head at the reference. "Who you are and who you have to be to live through hard times aren't in the same spectrum, Arthur. We're human, after all."
The corners of his lips twisted up into a fleeting smirk. "I know. But seeing you again is a selfish, intense want. And desires only bring us sufferings; as 'violent delights have violent ends'."
Paige couldn't ignore the fact that he was right. His words wormed its way into her shattered heart until she was nothing but a decayed version of herself. Words were so powerful – it was either they made you or broke you.
But she thought about it, not for her, but for him. The world had tortured him enough and so she nodded, at last, not to tear him further apart. At least, that was what she thought.
"So this is it, then?" she asked, the tone of her voice shaky.
Arthur clenched his jaw. She might had imagined it, but she saw him blinking back as if a speck of dust went into his eyes, then she stared at the rise and fall of his chest.
"I think this might be it."
She took a deep breath and finally accepted the tragedy that was their love. There were no words for her to say, or she was just terrified that if she'd part her lips, she would speak of things that would destroy everything. Not even words of goodbye because they knew that they had done just that.
Paige turned round apace, furiously telling herself not to break. But she almost tripped on her feet, her knees nearly buckling, when Arthur called her name. Her shoulders stiffened and, cautiously, she reeled back to him.
In this distance, he cut a tall, dark figure in this cemetery. He was a poetical death because he always had her heart. She realized that humans only break when you give the person the privilege to hurt you; and your privilege was to love them despite not knowing what would come out of it.
Her breath caught in her throat when she saw the teardrop that had fallen down his cheekbone. A bone jumped in his jaw before he said, "Thank you for loving me even when I thought I wasn't worth loving."
She gave him a sad smile. "And I don't regret any second of it."