The further we cycle, the more my stomach churns at the prospect of finding Zach tonight.
My biggest fear is he isn't there.
Klein could have been lying on the radio, he may not have Zach. Zach could be on his way to meet his mum.
The mean twisted side of me wants him to be at Klein's community. I want to see Zach one last time. I want to be the one to save Zach.
Maybe, I am pathetic.
Buildings come into view ahead of us and Roman pants. 'We'll be reaching the last town before we get to the eco-village. I suggest we stop, find some water before we continue on foot.'
'Why can't we use the bikes?' Cas asks.
'There's only one road leading to the village and they use it. The other route isn't suitable for bikes.' Roman looks at the sun. 'We better hurry or we'll get stuck in the dark. At least, we don't have to worry about getting eaten by bears.'
'No, we just have to worry about getting found and shot by Klein,' I mumble
'I have to get worried about getting shot, you and Cas have to worry about something else entirely.' Roman says gruffly.
'Thanks for the reminder, Roman,' Cas retorts.
'Anytime,' Roman says flatly
Entering the town, we're greeted by silence. The road is deserted; shops are covered in patches of moss, the walls cracked and crumbling. The occasional broken window allows me a peek into dark dingy spaces containing dusty items.
With Zach, I used to want to investigate every shop, look at everything even though after a while I could start to predict what we would find. However, occasionally we'd find something unexpected like a room full of snooker tables which we played for hours or a large building full of trampolines that we jumped on for almost a day.
Once we found a building which contained shelves and shelves of canned goods. We slept there for a night and stuffed ourselves. The next morning we filled our bags with as much as we could. We contemplated attaching a trailer to our bicycles and filling it, but Zach said it would slow us down. Now, I'm wondering if he meant it will slow us down if we were being chased or he said it so I got hungry and he would be able to persuade me to go back to the Techie settlement.
The problem is, deep down, I don't believe he ever thought I would agree to going back.
I don't truly believe he planned on taking me back.
Roman turns a corner onto another deserted street lined with houses. He jumps off his bicycle and walks up to a house. He tries the door but it doesn't open so he walks to the next house and tries another door.
How did him and Haiden survive if he only went into houses which were unlocked?
I dismount my bicycle, pick up a discarded scooter and smash it against the glass window of a door until it shatters. I use the scooter to wipe away the sharp shards, reach through and open the door with the inside handle.
Quickly falling into old habits, I search the house and collect anything useful. Heading back towards the entrance, Roman stands in the doorway.
'Find an open door yet?' I smirk.
'No,' Roman says.
'That's a surprise, I would have thought everyone would have left their houses unlocked before dying of Virulence in case a survivor wanted to raid their kitchen.'
'Cas is rubbing off on you,' Roman rolls his eyes.
'I'm not rubbing anything off apart from myself,' Cas says from behind Roman.
'Sometimes you're too much, Cas.' Roman shakes his head.
'Too much for you maybe.' Cas smirks.
I laugh and duck around Roman. Sitting on the ground outside, I drop the items in front of me: crackers, tins, spoons.
I peel back the lids of all the tins, three types of soup and two cans of fruit mix. I pop a spoon in each tin and rip open the packet of crackers.
Cas sits next to me and Roman sits next to her, they both take a few crackers and a can and start to eat them.
'What's the plan when we get there?' I ask, grabbing a tin of soup and a few crackers.
'This was your idea, not mine,' Roman says in-between crunches
'This plan to save Zach is going to go well,' Cas mutters sarcastically.
'You know the layout,' I say to Roman, ignoring Cas.
'I do,' Roman says.
'So where are they going to hold him?' I ask exasperated.
'Honestly, there are several possibilities and that's based on the assumption nothing has changed since I last went there which was over a decade ago.' Roman says flatly.
'How many residents do they have?'
'No idea. A lot of their population are teenagers or younger. The first few years worth of babies born would have started to have their own children by now like Faith and Raz. Klein doesn't discourage young teenagers from being sexually active. In fact, he encourages it.'
'If he has Raz too, will he kill him because he left?'
'Klein only kills to prove a point. He killed Faith to show us the agreement had ended. With Raz, he'll keep him alive and use him as a warning that life is not better outside the village; that even those who leave want to come back. Unless Klein doesn't have him. There's still the possibility Raz has returned home while Zach is heading back to where he belongs and we're walking into trouble for nothing,' Roman says lowly.
'You can go back.' I force down the last spoonful of soup.
Cas chuckles. 'He would love to but he made a promise to Haiden to look after you, and you're not going to turn back. Me, I'm enjoying annoying you two, so I'm definitely not choosing to go back. Looks like we're all stuck with each other.' Cas wraps an arm around my shoulder and the other around Roman then pulls us towards her. 'We make an amazingly dysfunctional family.'
'Can you let go of me, Cas,' I say tightly.
'Asking and not hitting. You're changing, Kit.' Cas let's go of me. 'Don't lose all your crazy though, we'll probably need some of it for this mission of yours to actually work. We need lunatic girl to beat Klein senseless, preferably using his own dick.'
'Cas, you may not want to leave us but we could still leave you behind so tone it down,' Roman warns.
'I saw some rope inside; we could tie her here and collect her on the way back,' I suggest.
'You wouldn't,' Cas says.
'I'm crazy, remember.' I grab a cracker and bite into it.
Cas laughs. 'Oh, tonight's going to be fun. Please tell me you've got guns.'
'We have two and they're to be used as a last resort.' Roman scowls
'That's not fair. I need a way to defend myself.' Cas huffs.
'You shouldn't need to defend yourself because you're going to stay on the outskirts as a lookout.' Roman says stiffly.
'No way.'
'If you're not going to agree I'll get that rope,' Roman warns.
'Fine,' Cas huffs.
I nibble on a cracker but my appetite has vanished.
'I'm going to look for some water and then we'll go.' Roman stands and walks into the house.
Cas places another spoonful of soup into her mouth, her hand trembles slightly.
She's as scared as me. Probably more. I have nothing to lose whereas she has her entire life waiting for her back home. A life full of people she cares about and who care about her.
'Why did you come?' I ask.
Cas picks up a tin of fruit mix, scoops a spoonful which she licks then places in her mouth and chews.
Great, ignore me then. And there was me thinking we were starting to bond. I sigh and pick weeds poking through the cracked paving stones beneath me.
'Because I helped Zach and Raz with their stupid idea,' Cas says slowly.
'So did Nate.'
'No, he didn't. I only told him after they'd left.' Cas shrugs. 'Bo always says I need to take more responsibility. This is me doing that.'
'You could have just told Ethel and Roman what they planned on doing before they left.'
'Could have, should have, you sound like Bo. No wonder you two get on. You're both so serious.'
'This is serious. They could die or they could already be dead. Life isn't all fun and excitement, it can be hard and horrible,' I snap.
'Do you not think I know that? For years, all I knew was starvation. My first memories aren't of loving times with my parents or siblings or friends, it's of dead bodies and hunger. When Bo and his dad found me they had to teach me to talk, to use cutlery, to interact with people because I'd spent so long living among the dead.' Cas chucks the can of fruit mix in front of us and exhales raggedly.
'I'm sorry,' I whisper.
Cas shakes her head. 'I should have died but I didn't, and that doesn't make me think I should take life more seriously. It makes me want to enjoy every minute, to be happy I'm alive. I refuse to worry about stupid things or to get upset over people's actions or to waste my time attempting to stop people from risking their lives because they don't value it like they should do.'
She looks at me pointedly. 'I could have told Ethel and Roman, but Zach and Raz would have found another way to do what they wanted, and I would have wasted my time and energy whilst also losing the trust of two friends. I could try to convince you to not be stupid and not head into that village knowing what will happen if Klein catches you but you'll do it anyway. So instead, before you go any further, I'm going to ask you this, do you think Zach loves you?'
'He never said he did,' I say quietly.
'Not what I asked. Words are just that, words. Anyone can say I love you. I love you, Kit. I really really love you so much. See? Easy to say and we both know it's a lie because at best I tolerate you. People can show their love without saying the words. I don't think you really believe he wanted to take you back to where you came from. You think there's more to the story and you want to get answers, you want to find out if he loves you.'
Cas turns her entire body to face me. 'I don't know what Zach thinks, I only know what I saw. But on the off chance, I'm wrong and he really doesn't give a crap about you and you find that out when you're freeing him, are you going to give up and allow us to get caught or are you going to continue fighting? Because even though I may not take life seriously, I do seriously value it. I don't want to die, but I also know that I'm partly to blame for what happened to them which is why I've stepped up. It's why I'm going to help as much as I can. And it's why I won't let you go into that place with Roman and risk his life if you don't value yours and if you're going to give up on everything if the boy you love turns out to a piece of crap.'
'Do you value your life, Kit? Because it may not be the one you dreamt of but you still have one which includes Bo and Haiden who both care about you so much and they've known you less than a week. You have me and the others who already consider you one of the group even if you normally choose to mope around rather than hang out with us. You have a life that could be enjoyable and fun and, admittedly, occasionally boring. Now, it's up to you whether you choose to enjoy it, to really live it.' Cas inhales sharply, steadying her breath but she doesn't take her eyes off me. 'So my final question is, will you try your hardest to get you and Roman as well as Zach and Raz out there alive? Because if I think there's even a chance you won't, I will tie you to this house and I will go in your place.'
Her words hit me hard. It's true I have excluded myself when all they've done is include me. I could make a life there. I could enjoy living there, with or without Zach.
'We're all getting out alive and then we're heading back together,' I say firmly.
Cas's eyes narrow and they search my face. She nods and stands. 'I'm going to find a weapon. Want to raid the cupboards with me?'
'No, thanks.'
'Your loss.' Cas winks and bounds off.
I lay on my back, close my eyes and inhale deeply mustering all my courage.
We will all get out alive. We will all get out alive.
How many times will I have to repeat that sentence to convince myself?