The duties I was allocated did nothing to distract me from the ache inside. The additional duties I volunteered for, did even less. No matter how busy I keep, no matter how many hours of laborious chores I complete I can't stop my brain from thinking.
My mind is determined to repeat every conversation and interaction I've had with Zach. I still fail to spot any signs that our relationship was a lie until I go through it all again, dissect it all again; then I see so many warning signs I can't believe how gullible I was.
I gave Zach my heart and he broke it into a million pieces.
Being heartbroken is new to me; I don't know what the normal way of behaving is. I've decided, it's normal to avoid any area I might come into contact with Zach whilst also desperately wanting to confront him and get him to explain what was wrong with me. It's normal to want Zach to feel the amount of pain I'm feeling whilst also wanting him to appear and tell me he made a mistake. It's completely normal to want to cry at everything because everything reminds me of Zach.
Ripping out another weed, I chuck it into a bucket and I wipe away several tears yet I can't wipe away the ache of missing home, of wanting to talk to Mattan, of wanting a hug from my parents, of wanting my old life back where I was bored and numb but safe and not hurting.
I sense someone approaching me, and my hope that it's Zach takes me by surprise. I look up at Cas who stands in front of me and my heart sinks.
Is it normal to wish everyone who approaches me was Zach? I guess it's my normal.
I rip another weed out the ground and throw it into the bucket. I hate weeds. I hate fieldwork. I hate life. I hate Zach.
I need to stop lying to myself.
'Ethel doesn't want you this far away from the building without an escort.' Cas crosses her arms. 'And I'm not volunteering to be your escort while you take your anger out on a bunch of weeds. Come inside.'
Looking around, I realise the sun is setting in the distance and I'm near the fence. Too near the fence. How long have I been out here? Why have I not noticed how far from the house I am? My head is a mess.
I pick up the bucket and stand. My entire body hurts; I can't work out if it's due to today's exertion, Zach destroying everything I believed in or the after-effects of the attack. Probably all three. I trudge back towards the building and Cas walks beside me.
'Just so you're aware, you and Zach have really messed up the dynamics of our friendship group,' Cas says.
'What?' I snap.
'You haven't eaten with us once today in the dining room, and Zach eats then leaves without saying a word. Our group fills empty without you both joining in.' Cas shrugs.
'Less than a week ago you didn't know we existed. I'm sure you'll get used to it pretty quickly,' I retort, kicking the soil beneath my feet.
'I'm guessing by that response the rumour is true; you and Zach split.'
'Yes.' I choke back the tears.
'Wow, that's depressing. You and Zach seemed...really into each other.' Cas frowns.
'Turns out we weren't.' Or rather he wasn't.
We walk towards the building in silence. I toss the weeds into a large container at the edge of the field, place the bucket on the ground and walk to the door.
'Ethel wants to see you in her office,' Cas says.
'Ok.' Removing my muddy shoes, I discard them in the entrance while ignoring Cas who is staring at me. Does Cas blame me for Faith's death? She should.
'You probably don't care what I think but I'll say it anyway. People do stupid things for stupid reasons, it's some psychology bullshit where bad past experiences shape you and cause you to make stupid decisions.' Cas waves her hand in the air dismissively and I frown, not sure what her point is. She sighs loudly, as though she's annoyed at my lack of understanding. 'What I'm saying is, whatever happened maybe it's not what you think.'
I nod although I don't agree; it's exactly what I think. Zach made it very clear.
Knocking on the office door, I shuffle uncomfortably. I've been avoiding Ethel. I've been avoiding everyone. The door opens and a surprised-looking Ethel gives me a gentle smile. I don't smile back. I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to smile again.
'Very prompt. I was expecting to chase you down.' Ethel gestures for me to enter the office. Closing the door behind me she says, 'Take a seat.'
I slump in the chair in front of her desk; standing is currently too much effort.
Ethel positions herself on the other side of the desk. 'I wanted to check in with you and make sure you're not going to start acting reckless after last night. It must have been a shock and I know that can cause erratic behaviour which means you need to be careful that you don't start putting yourself and other members of this community at risk.'
I frown in confusion. Ethel leans forward. 'You ran off last night; we didn't know where you'd gone.'
'I was in the medical room with Haiden.'
'You were outside now, in the fields when it's dark.'
'It's isn't dark, it's dusk.'
Ethel exhales loudly. 'Kit, I know what took place between you and Zach must have been hard. You loved him, and I understand what it's like to lose people you love.'
'So you believe I love him now?' I snap bitterly.
'Kit-'
'Is there anything else?' I narrow my eyes. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be talking to Ethel about Zach, or any topic. I want to curl into a ball and be left alone.
Ethel crosses her arms. 'You need to eat.'
'I will when I'm hungry.'
'I want you to start eating again in the dining room with everyone else. You missed lunch and dinner,' Ethel says.
I'm so angry.
Angry at Ethel. Angry at this place. Everything was fine between me and Zach until we got here. Wasn't it? Then again, Zach said he planned on taking me back all along.
'Why are you punishing me? I don't want to go in the dining room because I don't want to see Zach. Aren't you happy? I'm pretty sure this is what you wanted from the start. You wanted us to not be together. What else do you want? To completely destroy me?'
'I want you safe, and I want you to not exclude yourself. You have started to make friends and you could make many more here.' Ethel leans back. 'I'm sorry you feel differently but I promise you, my intentions from the start were only to protect you. I originally thought you were both runaways from Klein's community, like Faith and Raz. I found out later you weren't. When I received the message from Zach's community, I thought Zach was hurting you and you're behaviour only supported what I was led to believe. After you left last night, Zach told us about your settlement, about the issues surrounding physical contact and how you were captured and tested on. If you'd told us from the start, things could have been different.'
Could they? Because Zach still would have promised his mum to take me back. I'd still love him. He still wouldn't love me.
Roman enters the room and stops in the doorway. 'I'll come back later.'
'No, we're finished here.' I stand up and turn to leave. I've had enough of Ethel and her meddling.
'No, we're not.' Ethel stands. 'Kit, I don't think you appreciate how lucky you are that Doll found you. If you'd been found by Klein and his people, your outcome would not have been a happy one, it would have been a lot worse than it is now. Klein is still waiting to make his move. He will continue to wait for an opportunity to take you.'
I should be scared. I'm not. I can't register any emotions other than the utter despair and agony weighing me down. I rub my throbbing head. 'Why? Why is he so determined to take me?'
Roman closes the door and steps forward. 'Because Klein thinks you survived Virulence without any damage. You have no outward signs of physical damage which he's never encountered before. '
'Klein will pretend he wants you safe as a member of his community. Secretly, he will use and abuse you,' Ethel mutters.
Roman leans on the edge of the desk. 'Me, Ethel and Doll lived there. Ethel helped me escape and once I'd settled here, I went back to get her.'
'I thought your family were part of a religious cult.'
'My family were; they died, along with the entire congregation, hiding in a church praying for salvation that never came. Klein found me burning their bodies outside the church and he worked out I was resistant. It was at the height of the pandemic, people were dying quickly, Virulence was spreading rapidly. It was chaos; people were killing anyone they believed to be infected, burning entire buildings. Klein offered me a place to live with other survivors, a safe place. He was gathering them together, creating a new civilisation, a fitter civilisation as he referred to it. Turns out, I left one cult and joined another.' Roman's expression is grim. 'We were given food, water and shelter. It was a nice place to live. Except Klein and a few of his close friends took more interest in certain individuals.'
'Those who had the least damage,' Ethel says grimly.
'I only had slight hearing loss,' Roman says. 'Ethel had no external damage. She only recently found out she had some damage to her lungs.'
'So he took more interest in you?' I ask Ethel. What exactly does more interest mean?
'He raped me repeatedly as did his friends, under the pretext of doing what was best for the future. He wanted to repopulate the world with people who were resistant. Part me thinks he believes it, the other part of me thinks it's just his way of giving himself an excuse to rape women,' Ethel says tightly.
'It's a time we'd both rather forget but we can't and we won't because it acts as a reminder of how people should never be treated and of the people we don't want to become.' Ethel hands clench the edge of the desk.
Pieces start to fit into place, and I suddenly know why I was confused earlier when Bo told me about Roman's cult only lasting a couple of months from the beginning. 'Haiden's from there isn't she. She wasn't part of your religious cult, she was from Klein's community.'
Ethel and Roman look at each other uneasily.
'She's your daughter,' I say accusingly to Roman.
'We don't know who the father is. I'm her mother,' Ethel says.
'Klein took me under his wing. He held Ethel down while I...He told me it was what she wanted.' Roman's voice cracks. 'I was fifteen. I'd only kissed a girl before.'
Ethel squeezes Roman's shoulder. 'Klein is manipulative. He plays on people's emotions. He gets people to do things they'd never consider doing. There's a chance Roman is Haiden's father; there are also several other possibilities. Haiden was my first baby and I had to do something. I couldn't bring her up worried that the same thing would happen to her by one of the men.'
'Didn't the other people in the community help you? Why would they willingly go along with that?'
Ethel shakes her head and presses her lips together in a grimace. 'Like I said, Klein is manipulative and clever. People believe what he wants them to believe.'
'Ethel knew I was planning on running away; she asked if I'd take Haiden with me,' Roman says
'Why haven't you told Haiden you're her mother?' I ask Ethel.
'Because I can't be a mother to her. If Klein worked out who she was he would take her, agreement or not. By keeping my distance, she's safe and what can I say to her? I didn't want to be a mother. I was twenty-one and had lost everything. I agreed to go with Klein because I was scared and had no one. He promised me a community which would be like a family, a place I could belong to, and it resulted in years of abuse which I'm reminded of every time I look at Haiden. She doesn't need to be told that and I won't be able to hide it. I can't pretend I don't feel it. Haiden senses my discomfit around her, and I don't want her to ever think it's her fault.' Ethel rubs her face. 'The best thing I did was getting Roman to take her away. I didn't want there to be a chance that her life could turn out like mine.'
Roman rests his hand on Ethel's shoulder and squeezes. 'Ethel set up Haiden's death; she told everyone Haiden had contracted Virulence and died. Klein thought Haiden hadn't inherited any resistance. I collected a body from the nearest town. Klein couldn't tell one toddler from another. As for me, when I didn't show any interest in becoming like him he turned his back on me.'
'Klein is warped. He believes Virulence was nature's way of eliminating the weak, of resetting the world and allowing a new civilisation to be built. One in which he is allowed to impregnate whoever he wants.' Ethel spits the last words out.
'And the community go along with that?' I ask. How could people agree to support such horrific acts? Then again, people agreed to testing on me, infecting me with Virulence. People do a lot of horrible acts.
'No, most of them don't. Most aren't even aware of his agenda. Only a few are working alongside him. Zach's community supplies Klein with Virulence. He regularly infects the community to kill off those not resistant and test how damaged people get. Everyone there believes Virulence is still around. They don't realise it died along with most of the world years ago.' Ethel shakes her head. 'He's mad. The only reason I am here is because I had several miscarriages after my second child. I was depressed; I managed to convince him my attitude was affecting the rest of the community so when I asked to leave he agreed. During my time there I knew how to keep Klein happy, to stay on his good side. He believed I was loyal to him so he trusted me when I told him if I left it would benefit the others, and he trusted me enough so that when I settled here, I managed to come to an agreement in which he left this community alone and agreed to not cross the fence. In return, we agreed to never interfere in his activities, never set foot in his village again or make contact with the people there,' Ethel says. 'So obviously when Faith and Raz arrived here it caused tension, but he couldn't do anything because I hadn't broken the rules. The two of them found us.' Ethel sighs wearily. 'Kit, the reason I'm telling you all this is because you need to realise the seriousness of their presence. If you don't like physical contact now, you'll hate it even more by the time he's finished with you.'
Ethel straightens up. 'Now it's time to give Faith and her unborn baby a send-off they shouldn't be having. Kit, I hope you come with us. At times of hardship, we must support each other and allow ourselves to be supported.'
Out in the hallway, Ethel strides off while Roman walks beside me.
'Haiden's awake. She's weak but she's talking which is good. She's also asking after you.' He looks like he wants to say more.
'Roman, you must know Haiden loves you. She wants something more intimate and, well, if you are going to act on it, you need to tell her first about you possibly being...' I trial off.
'Me and Haiden are never going to happen,' Roman says stiffly.
'She needs to know that because right now she's hopeful. Don't be the sort of guy to lead her on.'
Don't be Zach.