I'm standing in the medical room in front of Fara and Carlos, who both had a career in the medical field before Virulence ended their careers, futures and previous way of life.
Fara is talking to me but the words aren't able to get through the loud roaring in my ears. I focus on the needle in her hand. She is not going near me with that. She is not going near me with any of the instruments spread around this room.
Wiping my palms on my trousers for the hundredth time, I look around for an escape.
I'm going to run.
I'll try to overcome my fear of touch tomorrow. Or possibly, the day after. More likely, the day after that.
Carlos frowns as he steps a little closer and says slowly. 'Kit, we're going to take a blood sample first.'
Why do they need a blood sample? Can they find out I have an altered immune system from the tests they do? Will they want to test me further when they find out? Then again, would they need too if they're already resistant? What damage has occurred in my body due to being infected with Virulence?
Someone touches my shoulder, and I jump backwards. I shake my head. My mouth is moving however no sound comes out. My lungs won't expand properly, and I'm struggling to inhale enough oxygen.
Why is the room closing in? Walls shouldn't be able to move.
'You'll hardly feel it. We'll only take a tiny amount,' Fara says, approaching me with her hands outstretched and the needle pointing at me with its sharp edge.
I can't do any of this. I can't give a sample. I can't deal with the physical contact. It's all too much.
'Don't touch me. Please. I can't breathe,' I gasp.
I really can't breathe. Bending over, I try to inhale deeply except my body won't comply. My heart is going crazy. My lungs are screaming in protest as the room spins. I'm suffocating.
'Calm down, Kit. Take deep breathes. You're having a panic attack,' Fara says as she glances at Carlos. Both of them stop mid-step and don't come any closer. Her voice softens, 'close your eyes and take deep breaths, in and out through your mouth. Breathe in for a count of four and out for a count of four.'
Fara starts to count. I focus on my breathing, focus on the fact they aren't getting any closer. They're a perfectly safe distance away. The dizziness fades, my chest loosens and air starts to flow more easily.
'Let's do the examination another time. You're probably tired and stressed. There's no need to increase the pressure you're already under,' Fara says softly.
I notice the concerned look she directs at Carlos and Bo. They think I'm crazy. I think I'm crazy.
'We'll give you some space. Bo will wait outside the door. Once you're feeling calmer, he'll take you to lunch.'
I nod, wondering if I'll ever feel calmer while being around people who aren't Zach.
Walking along the hallway I feel like a failure. My body is exhausted, and I'm still shaky from my reaction earlier. Zach was wrong.
I haven't changed.
'How many were there in your group?' Bo asks as we walk along the hallway.
Thankfully the hallway is empty so I don't have to worry about avoiding people around me. Bo maintains a good distance away from me which I'm sure he's doing on purpose.
'Around a hundred.'
Bo makes a sound of surprise. 'And you left all those people to wander alone with Zach?'
'We didn't have a choice.' I say evasively and wrap my arms around my waist.
Me and Zach may have decided to not tell anyone about the real reasons behind us having to escape but we never got round to inventing a cover story. Part of me knows this is because we never really believed we'd meet anyone else.
'We're here.' Bo's grips the handle of a door and as he opens it, a deafening noise assaults my ears.
I stand motionless in the doorway, observing the chaotic scene in front of me; a huge room full of adults and screaming children. People are crammed together at tables, invading each other's personal space, talking and eating. Cutlery is being waved around, remnants of lunch lay strewn on the floor around babies who sit chewing large chunks of food. This is nothing like the mealtime I am used to with allocated seats and carefully spaced out tables.
This is chaos.
I stare at the mess covered babies. I've never seen a baby before. Naturalist parents take turns to stay at home with little ones until they are old enough to know how to behave.
Basically, scared of touch equals well-behaved for a Naturalist.
Haiden approaches me and rests her hand on hip. 'You better hurry, most of the food is gone, and people have started to go up for seconds. I'm starving, but I wanted to wait for you.' Haiden huffs. 'Really, I should have grabbed us some plates of food. I don't know why I didn't. Sorry, I'll do it next time. How did the medical check go? Why are you so late? Are you hungry?'
'She wasn't feeling very well,' Bo says.
'You do look a little pale. When was the last time you ate? Some food will sort you out. Let's get you something to eat. However, at the rate these pigs are going up for seconds, we'll be lucky if there's anything left.' Haiden reaches out to pull my arm. I flinch before she makes contact causing her to stop. She smiles gently. 'Come on, Kit.'
Inhaling deeply, I follow Bo and Haiden into the crowded room, full of people I wish didn't have arms or legs or any other appendage that could accidentally touch me.
A room of statues would ideal.
'I really wanted to introduce you to everyone but by the time we eat, people will be leaving already. I'll do it another time. You'll meet all the people around our age though. We always sit together at a table,' Haiden says as she hands me a bowl from a pile. We line up in front of a big saucepan, and I watch a man drop a ladle full of food into Bo then Haiden's. When it's my turn he scrapes out whatever is left at the bottom of the large saucepan before pouring it into my bowl.
How many people have touched this bowl? Touched the saucepan? The food which goes into it? Lots.
Strangely enough, the thought doesn't make me feel queasy. The prospect of dirty sweaty hands on my food doesn't bother me but someone trying to rest a hand on my arm does.
I really need to sort my head out.
Following Haiden and Bo, I dart around people and squeeze through small gaps between bodies. Dolly waves at me from across the room. I force a smile while dodging a child who runs pass me.
I'm scared of children. This is just plain humiliating.
We reach a table in the corner of the room, most of the chairs are occupied. Haiden takes a seat in the middle of the table, Bo sits at the end of the table next to Zach leaving an empty seat on the other side of Zach.
I stare at the tight space with a growing sense of dread.
No matter what, I can't sit down without pressing against the stranger who sits on the other side of the empty chair. Zach turns around with a grin, which quickly fades and turns into a frown as I step backwards.
My stomach drops as I'm confronted with the reality of this being my life. This is how things will always be. Zach happy and content around all these people whilst I'm panicking at the thought of my arm accidentally touching someone else.
I haven't changed. I'm not sure I will ever change.
'Kit?' Zach stands up.
I'm stepping backwards not sure how to tell him this will never work. I will never work in normal social situations. My back bumps into someone and I jerk forward panicked.
Bo stands from his seat at the end of the table next to Zach. 'Kit, will you swap seats? I need to speak to Nate.'
Bo walks around me keeping his distance. I'm fully aware his offer was purely in my aid.
'Thanks, Bo,' I whisper.
He smiles and sits in between Zach and the boy, who must be called Nate. I sit down at the edge, Zach on one side and welcomed emptiness on the other.
'Do you have enough space?' Zach says as I sit next to him. What he's really asking is; can he touch me?
'If our bodies aren't touching then, in my opinion, it's too much space,' I whisper into his ear.
Zach grins as he wraps his arm around my shoulder and kisses me. I kiss him back. This contact I enjoy too much. This contact I can never get enough of.
'Get a room,' Cas shouts across the table. 'Oh right, you're not allowed one.'
Heat creeps up my neck as a few of the people at the table laugh.
'Crazy if you ask me, not allowing you two a room. They should be all about people wanting to increase our community. I mean, Faith's doing her bit,' Cas says, indicating to a girl at the other end of the table.
'Cas, I am not going to be your advocate for encouraging teenage pregnancy.' Faith's eyes narrow as she rubs her large rounded belly which, unless she likes to eat babies, is very much due to being pregnant.
Faith turns to me. 'My feet are so swollen I can barely put my shoes on, and my skin is so stretched I'm surprised it hasn't ripped. Don't get pregnant.'
'No plans to,' I choke out as Zach's arm tightens around my shoulder.
The boy sitting next to Faith frowns. 'Ethel and Roman are being sensible not allowing them to share.' He must be the father but they both look young. Too young.
Why would Ethel and Roman allow them a private room? Even in the Naturalist settlement, people aren't encouraged to settle down until they're in their very late teens. The boy glances at us. 'Sorry if you don't agree with my opinion.'
Before I can say anything Cas points her finger in the air. 'Personally, I think it's out of order. You two have been alone for ages. We should do a petition supporting our entitlement to have a private room when we want. I want to be allowed a private room when I want one.'
'Maybe, you should find someone who would want to share a private room with you first, Cas,' Bo retorts.
A bunch of people snigger, and Cas puts her middle finger up at Bo.
'So you're the one who went crazy this morning and gave Doll a black eye?' The girl in front of me says.
Great. I'm known as the crazy girl.
'More like had a fit. It was hilarious.' Cas points at me. 'We should put you on patrol. No Outsiders would think about returning after encountering you.'
'Cas...' Bo says in a warning tone.
'What?' Cas looks confused.
Haiden scowls at Cas before turning to me. 'Kit, you haven't been introduced to everyone. You've got Nate who's sitting next to Bo, Faith, Raz, me you know, then there's Cas and Mercy opposite you. Everyone, this is Kit.'
'Hey.' I smile as they greet me in response.
Haiden leans forward. 'So Kit suggested we head into the nearest town to obtain some plants tomorrow. We're going to get all our duties done early and then head in after lunch. Bo's coming, does anyone else want to come?'
'Haiden, you've never managed to go further than the fields.' Cas waves her hand flippantly.
'I've never had a good enough reason to go before, Cas.' Haiden scowls. 'Kit mentioned we might find a shop with seeds and stuff, or some gardens might have plants growing. Anyway, Kit managed to survive out there so I'm sure I'll be fine. But it would be even better if we could all go because there is safety in numbers.'
'Haiden, we don't have to go,' I say.
'I want to go. I just thought we could bring more back if there are a lot of us.'
'I can barely walk, so count me out,' Faith says.
'Me, Zach and Nate are working with Roman on something all of tomorrow so we won't be free,' Cas says.
'Me and Raz are on lunch and evening duty so we won't be able to get away.' Mercy shrugs apologetically.
'We'll take the trailers to make up for the lack of hands,' Bo says.
'Sounds good,' Haiden says leaning back in her chair. However, the anxious look on her face says she feels anything but good.
'I'm not sure I'm happy about you venturing off without me,' Zach whispers in my ear. 'What if you find another informative book and decide to keep it secret from me again?'
'After how our last reading session ended, I'm never withholding literature from you again.' I chuckle quietly, brushing my lips against his cheek.
'Seriously, we are starting a petition. We need to get them a room,' Cas says in the background.
This time I ignore her as Zach's mouth meets mine. If we're not getting a private room people are going to have to get used to us.
Maybe, this is the start of me shedding my reservedness and becoming freer.
Author's note:
Sorry, a bit of a long one but I wanted to introduce some new characters.
I'm doing this on my phone so apologies for any mistakes. Please let me know when you see them xx