2 Years Later
With the towel still strung over my shoulder I collapse onto the couch. Insisting to myself that I'll only rest a few minutes I curl up tucking my feet in the crease between cushions, too lazy to reach for a blanket. I close my eyes and realize that if I stay here I'll certainly fall asleep. I roll onto my back and look up at the ceiling. I contemplate doing work or catching sleep. Looking at my watch I see that It's only 11 PM. I squeeze my eyes shut regretting everything about responsibility. But I reluctantly push myself up. One of the things I've learned as a mother is to always take advantage of time.
Hunched over on the edge of the couch elbows on my knees and hands under my chin I look over the coffee table and the rest of the living room. My hair still drips from the shower so I roll it up and tie it back in a bun. I take a huge breath and then push myself up. I go to work, removing the leftovers and trash from the coffee table.
I think about turning on the TV but the quiet in the apartment is actually welcome. In the silence I can find my time to mourn and in a way I can imagine that Bucky is here. He is always here, I see him everyday, he's in his son, and in all the pictures on the walls. I stop a moment to look at the few I'd salvaged from Rebecca's collection. I smile.
A sudden knock from the door alerts me. My mind scrambles. The only people who it could be have keys to come in. My heart beats a little faster. I look down the hallway towards the bedroom. The person knocks again. "Evelyn... it's me." My stomach drops along with the rubbish in my hands. I run to the door. Seeing the face I swing the door open quickly.
"Clint?" I ask tears of happiness welling up.
"Hey." He says, tears also lining his eyes. I let out a squeak and then jump into his arms. I'd known he'd survived but he hasn't wanted to be found thus none of us have seen him since before the snap. There's a reason he's come here to me and not the compound. I pull away from him back inside. I wipe my eyes and invite him in. Out of habit I look down the hallway and then close and lock the door. Turning around I find that Clint has already picked up a picture of my precious babies.
"You didn't know?" I ask almost with a laugh. He turns the picture towards me.
"I knew you were pregnant, I didn't know you had twins." I laugh.
Looking back down at my watch I speak, "You'll probably meet them soon, they usually wake up around now. They may be toddlers already but I swear sometimes they act like newborns. We have some habits we still need to break." I roll my eyes and laugh but then I remember all that he's gone through. I can see the hurt in his eyes. His wife and 3 children, gone. I couldn't imagine it.
"What are their names?" He asks as he sets the picture down next to Bucky's old military photo.
"Thomas James Barnes and Margaret Carter Barnes." I say proudly. "They're a handful but Tony and Pepper help us a lot with the financial part and Nat and Steve come over to watch them most days... I've just gotten a job at the history museum downtown... So we manage."
"Laura managed on her own for years..." He stares out at space for a moment. I just look at him in understanding, trying to gauge what exactly he's thinking. He sinks into the couch rubbing his head, "I'm sorry to bother you Evelyn, but I'm rolling through... I needed a place to stay... someone who won't ask questions." I nod my head assuring him. It was nice to see him, anything that he did now was purely out of sorrow, I know the feeling. I go to the kitchen and get the milk from the fridge and pour two bottles. Running them under warm faucet water I set them on the coffee table. Right on cue I hear a cry from the back room.
Clint pops up from the couch. I smile kindly, "Clint you don't have to..."
He waves his arms, "I want to." I smile and hold out a hand to him. He takes it as we enter the lone bedroom. Margaret is doing the crying and in turn has woken her brother. He's on the verge of crying standing at the railing of his crib with his pouting lip out until he sees my face come into view. Clint surprisingly picks up Margaret. He lays her against his chest and she instantly calms down. I reach down for my son. Clint's already left the room. My heart is full. I kiss my little boy on the head and with just a bit of rocking he's fallen back asleep. Holding him tightly against me I kiss him once more before laying him back down gently in his crib. Everytime I look at him I see Bucky and everytime I do, I smile with a glowing love that only mothers know.
When I return back to the living room Clint is infatuated. He's feeding Margaret and clutching her close. He doesn't take his eyes off of her for a moment even as I come and sit down gently beside him.
I look over at him and do a double take. He's clearly crying. "Clint?" I ask. He heaves and then he starts to sob. He doesn't protest as I take a sleeping Margaret from his hands and run her back to her room. When I return I pull him to me while he cries. I wrap my arms tightly around him even as he remains in his sitting position hands still bent as if he were holding the baby. I let him fall against my shoulder and let him cry. He doesn't hold back. When he finally pulls away he's left my shoulder soaked with tears. I gently push the hair from his face, which he's let grow long and shaggy.
"I miss them." Is all he says.
"They were your family."
"That still doesn't justify forgiveness what I've been doing."
"I don't know where you've been Clint and I don't know what you've been doing, but all of us have to cope somehow." I think to the other day when Nat was searching the databases for the thousandth time for his whereabouts. "We would invite you back to the compound in a heartbeat Clint." He shakes his head. "You didn't let me finish. You wouldn't be at peace there. I understand why you're doing all of his. I just ask that you reach out to Nat... She's... Well she's been pretty broken."
"She'll ask questions." He replies.
"Maybe... but she'll support you and she'll be there for you no matter what."
He nods again. He finally lets the tension fall out of him as he falls back onto the pillows.
"Let me get you a drink." I say getting up.
"A beer?" He asks, returning to his normal humorous self.
"Hilarious." I say peeking from the kitchen. "You're getting water." I go to the sink to fill up a large plastic cup from the cupboard and can't help but glance out of the only window. It's been two years now and New York is still dark. Feeling the water running over the rim and all over my hand I pull my attention back inside. I hit the faucet and then poor a bit of the water out. Returning to the living room I find Clint asleep head on the arm of the couch and legs hanging over the front. Quietly I set the glass of water down on the table. Kneeling to the floor I untie his boots and hoist both of his feet up. Tucking a pillow beneath his head I pause a moment to study him.
What brought him to me I'm not entirely sure but I'm glad he came. To see someone from before the snap is rejuvenating. To see someone still mourning what happened is even more reassuring. Steve and Nat mourned of course, but they never showed that sadness to me. My twins had become their escape together, but for me my children were a daily reminder of the things I'd lost. Clint had felt that deep pain tonight as well. He is a reminder to be thankful for what I have and even more importantly that emotions are things I should be sharing more openly. Steve had invited me to a therapy group he was a part of multiple times, but I was never one to share my emotions with anyone... anyone except Bucky. I sigh and grab a blanket from the back of the chair. I lay it over Clint who's already in a deep deep sleep.
I know he'll be gone before I wake up for work tomorrow but I really wish he'd stay, at least for a day. I go back to the kitchen and pack him a few things to take with him. To be honest there's not much adult food in this house, but what I can find I give him. I toss it in the fridge and then dig around in my purse. I grab my sticky notes, a pen, and the 200$ cash in my wallet.
When my pen touches the pad I realize I don't know what I could possibly say. A few moments alone at the kitchen table in the dead of season clears my foggy mind rather quickly when I look back out the window.
Clint,
I have some food for you in the fridge and left you some money. It's not much but after everything you've ever done for me I want to give you what I can. I know you have to do whatever makes you at peace with the world, but if you find out that it doesn't, know that you have a place here with the kids and I.
I pause, unsure on how to conclude my message.
We love you.
-Evelyn
I sit back in my hard wooden chair everything unsaid he already knows. I peel the paper from it's pad then hop off my seat to the light switch. My eyes adjust to the darkness as I cross into the living room. I set the note and money down where he'll see it. I can't bare to look at Clint even once more because goodbyes have become too hard.
Feeling my way down the dark hallway I realize how tired I am. My door is still open so I sneak in and fall backwards onto my bed. Reaching for my phone I turn the screen towards me and the screen lights up. No texts, no calls, no news. I let my phone flop beside me and find myself, as I often do, looking towards the cribs against the wall. Tiptoeing over I look down at my baby girl and then over to my boy. "You have his face my love." I stroke his cheek lovingly. "And you my sweet girl, you have his eyes." The tufts of her hair were slowly getting darker with each passing week. I have no doubt she'll have the dark brown her father had.
These two are my everything, my two reasons for living. They may not have a father but they have a mother that would give them the world if she could. With one more look over both of them I gently kiss my fingers and then touch them each on their foreheads. Turning back to my own bed I whisper, "Goodnight my beautiful babies. I love you."