Hey everyone, I'm sorry I've been inactive, but I kinda wanna finish what I started, regardless of how long it's been. So, I'm just letting you know that we're nearing the end.
Thanks,
Author-san
10-17-19
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I shook my head in utter disbelief and scorn.
"You actually consented for me?" I spoke evenly, attempting and failing to remove the snarl from my tone.
"Yes."
"So you made the decision for me, took away any choice I had in the matter. A complete violation of trust and autonomy over my life."
"Yes."
I tore my gaze away from Kakashi as I processed his words, pacing back and forth.
"You weren't my parent or teacher, so what gave you the right to do this to me? I've never once told you how to live your life and you go and choose how I live mine?" I asked, running my fingers through my hair in frustration, not seeing how he didn't get it.
He didn't have an answer, and that set me off. I stopped pacing and turned directly to him while locking eyes, trying to verbalize the gravity of what he'd done.
"You permanently altered me without my permission and conspired with my sister to do it. I trusted you!" I exclaimed in a rush, head whirling as I tried to keep my emotions at bay.
This time he didn't have a chance to respond as I continued.
"Back then, I just followed you blindly back to Konoha not because I thought you had my best interest in mind but because I thought you understood. That you knew what I was going through and... And that you could help me!"
Kakashi waited, knowing I had more to say.
"But I didn't envision it like this. I don't care what your motive was. You took advantage of me. Of my naivety. Of my blatant trust in you!" I exclaimed, the anger subsiding for a brief second afterward.
"I could expect that from Samantha, sure. But you? Kakashi-Sensei?"
My voice broke as I used his title. I hadn't bothered to use it in a long time. It was tied too deeply to a past I didn't want to remember. But now, it seemed necessary to use in order to get my point across.
Kakashi cleared his throat, finally giving me answers.
"I understand that it wasn't my call to do that. But you would still resist even if we stopped to keep you in the loop. We did it to help you." He emphasized calmly.
"Samantha told you the negative effects of having the Haruno gene activated, remember? Forever a target, a hidden council waiting to pounce, uncontrollable power eating away at you. You didn't understand what having the gene truly meant. Chances are, you still don't." He murmured, shaking his head.
I could tell he had a final point to make, so I waited.
"That's why Samantha, Itachi and I destroyed it during the surgery for removing the senbon from your eye, right before we headed towards the Leaf."
Kakashi paused solemnly, locking eyes with me.
"I haven't told Tsunade, nor anyone else what happened. I figured you should be the first to know."
I laughed humorlessly.
"A little late for that, don't you think?" I seethed.
A stray thought passed through my head that I voiced aloud.
"Is that why my mental health is on track to getting better?" I questioned through gritted teeth.
"Yes. You heard Samantha mention the gene also altered mental states. Ever since you've been in Konoha you've had a few obstacles but for the most part are on the upward trend. That's your body stabilizing itself in the absence of the gene." Kakashi explained quietly, sweeping his hair out of his uncovered eye.
"Great, I can't even attribute that to being my own hard work. That's, that's really something." I shook my head with a smile of disbelief at the revelation.
"No, you can't." He affirmed quietly.
I stared at the ground and averted his gaze, genuinely unable to form words. Fiery anger clouded my judgement and made it hard to focus, let alone be rational.
For most of my life, I had been quick tempered.
I always expressed my emotions, through a combination of sharp words and clenched fists. With age and experience, I had learned that it wasn't the most effective way to deal with things.
It was a weak point that could be exploited.
One taunt could set an emotional shinobi off and goad them into doing something reckless, like charging forward without caution. And that could lead to a whole set of problems in of itself. In short, I'd learned to mellow out and keep a clear head. Nowadays, though my annoyance threshold was low, I never really angered to the point where my judgement was truly compromised.
Well, up until now.
Tension weighed the atmosphere down and waves of emotion flowed through me. I balled my shaking fists, not having to look to know the red crescents left by my nails littered my palms. It was taking all of my self control not to beat the living crap out of Kakashi, which almost shocked me.
I was livid. Here was a person who I never could've envisioned inciting this much negative emotion from me.
Yet, here we were.
"So now what? I'm back to my boring, old useless, failure of a self?" I scoffed, my bitter words stinging as I swallowed down any hurt they caused. Guess that was still a soft spot. I inwardly rolled my eyes, my thoughts flashing to the time where I reassured Yamanaka-san that I was past my childhood trauma.
"Sakura." He spoke softly, full of a gentle comfort that made me almost partially forget what I was so angry about. My name was spoken in a consoling tone, full of tender care and attention. I looked up from the grass towards his face, my unshed tears resurfacing. This time, for a different reason.
A look akin to warm sympathy played on his softened features, right before they morphed into something else entirely.
"There wasn't a point in time where you weren't completely useless, even now. It was always obvious why I took a shine to Sasuke, and anyone could see even Naruto had immense potential. Yet there you were, little Sakura, a perfectly average ninja who always was left in the dust. Forced to grow in the shadow of two teammates who were heading towards greatness. Your own identity gone.. So you see, you can't go back to being useless when you never really stopped being useless in the first place." He spoke coldly with a casual shrug of his shoulders, eyes giving away nothing.
Kakashi was one of the best shinobi the Leaf had.
Educated in a variety of methodologies, he knew exactly how to manipulate and take down enemies. It was an ingrained, reflexive talent of his, and it was a power I'd always been in awe of. Though now, as I was on the receiving end, I felt the extent of his manipulation and knew that it'd work. He knew his words would sink their claws into my being. Kakashi knew I'd have to react to that.
And how right he was.
Not pausing for a moment, I immediately crossed the distance between us, delivering a hard slap across the face to my former sensei, hot tears brimming and blurring my vision. I didn't have a plan in mind nor did I have any cohesiveness to my actions. I just wanted to let it all out.
With the guidance of chakra, I shoved him out of the way none too lightly with excessive force, knowing full well I shouldn't be using chakra in the first place. I didn't give a damn. If there was ever a time endangering myself and disobeying instructions was okay, it was now. Chakra pooled to my fingers and immediately was amplified, my anger fueling the rising growth reflexively without caution. I rushed forward with the intent to hit, but as if he knew what I was thinking, he weaved in and out of my range.
Sidestepping, ducking and twisting around me, Kakashi was fluid in his movement, nearly silent while light on his feet.
When my hands started to blister and redden from the outpour of energy he easily picked my wrists out of the air, surprising me and stopping my use of chakra. It dawned on me that he stopped it not so I wouldn't hit him or because he was getting tired of evading, but so I wouldn't hurt myself.
"Don't you dare pretend that you care about me." I snapped, wrenching my wrists from his grasp and moving forward.
His form took the aggressive hits that my hands created, not even flinching in pain. His face was unreadable. Pushing him once more, his figure actually reacted to the force, stumbling backwards and landing against a nearby tree. A cleverly placed hand behind him softened the impact but an exhale of air told me he still had the wind knocked out of him.
My tears were now streaming as I passed by his slouched, shadowed figure. He took all of my violence with grace, and for a moment I contemplated giving him one good sucker punch to the jaw. I quickly realized it'd take more than that to convey the complex betrayal I felt.
"Thanks so much, sensei." I sneered mockingly, my eyes revealing the hurt underneath my hatred filled exterior. And he recognized that. He always said he could read me like a book. I was predictable.
When we locked eyes as he lifted his head, there was a blank expression on his face. He seemed to forget, I knew him. Just as he knew me. Two sides of the same coin, right? I'd worked alongside him for years after all.
The infallible Copy-nin was human, at the end of the day.
He had a few tells if you were smart enough to pick up on them, and he had emotions too, if you knew where to look. He couldn't always be a blank slate, despite how much he wanted to portray that through his usual uninterested nonchalance.
No. This time, his blank expression had another emotion lurking just beneath the surface.
Guilt.
But for once I didn't bring it up. To me, he was finally just another face, unimportant and irrelevant. Undeserving of my attention. I stopped analyzing underneath the underneath in that moment.
He was nothing to me, not anymore.
Though I decided that in my mind, my heart squeezed painfully as I turned on my heel. Just as I was about to leave him in silence, I saw Neji's figure flitting through the gates, straight to the Hokage tower. He was supposed to meet up with us first, but judging by his perceptiveness he must've known Kakashi and I were fighting. I realized that he probably thought I was going to run away from Konoha and was notifying Tsunade before I got the opportunity.
He didn't want me to throw my life away.
There'd be no third chance.
Glancing at a Kakashi who wouldn't meet my gaze, I smiled bitterly. In the past, that's probably just what I would've done. Whether it be for the better or not, I'd changed. I turned towards the village, and without looking back, I broke the silence.
"You're lucky that I have to report back to the Hokage."
I let my words hang in the air as I walked away.
He could take what he would with that. I wasn't leaving Konoha, my home was here. I had a future here. I had goals and dreams yet to accomplish, and running away would put those off.
You'd think leaving stops time, but really the world just moves on without you.
Not knowing what to feel, I walked to the gates and replied to Kotetsu and Izumo's greetings cheerfully before journeying up to the Hokage tower, refusing to think about the man I left behind on the outskirts of the village.
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"I'll write up my report tonight and have it ready by tomorrow." I spoke as I bowed. I kept my tone neutral, knowing it was futile.
Neji probably already relayed his assessment of the situation, judging by her surprised features. He was nowhere to be found, but that was probably a good thing. I didn't want to deal with questions right now. His concern came from good intentions, but I just wouldn't know how to explain everything.
"You'll have till the end of the week, I'm in no rush." Tsunade replied casually, though the intelligence in her golden eyes shined. She gave me a week so theoretically I wouldn't be able to leave Konoha until I turned the report in.
"Also, could you take me off of the missions roster?" I asked politely.
"What?"
I took a deep breath.
"Also, could you t-"
"Yeah, I heard you the first time. Maybe I should rephrase. Why?" Tsunade questioned, her brow furrowed. She wasn't one to beat around the bush.
"I think I'd like to apprentice under Yamanaka-san for the time being. And maybe the local civilian clinic as well. If you need me for a mission or the hospital I can't really say no, but for everyday work I need something low-key and easy. I'm good off of missions and excitement for a while." I answered with a sigh, dropping pretenses of remaining calm and dignified. Idly, I realized I probably looked like a wreck anyway.
Discreetly looking at the mirror hung on the wall, my suspicions were confirmed. My hair was windswept and sticking to my cheeks where my tears had been, at the very least it was hiding the remaining tracks. My bright eyes were red and the puffiness was still there, but it was still subtle enough to be mistaken for allergies if anyone asked.
Scanning my appearance once more for good measure, I was reminded that my arm was still bruised from the hospital, and that my chakra burnt hands looked worse. I almost reflexively channeled chakra to get rid of the offending marks before realizing that it'd probably worsen things.
My attention immediately shifted to Tsunade as she spoke.
"If I took you off of the roster, it'd mean that you can't leave the village." Tsunade replied calmly, judging my expression. It was understandable why she was reminding me of that fact. Missions give shinobi freedom. The freedom to put the village behind them for a little while. To get away from their problems.
I smiled briefly.
"I don't intend on leaving anytime soon."
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"You're sure that we don't have to get into it?"
"No, not today at least. Think of it as your day off."
"Well, you are in charge." I shrugged, glancing at my surroundings. We were sitting in the outside section of the restaurant, relishing the sunlight. The villagers were milling about on the streets, everyone happy with the heat. Apparently this was the first sunny day they'd had in a while. I hummed in contentment as I sipped my black sweet tea, the chill of the drink offsetting the warm weather nicely.
Having finished our meals a while ago, Yamanaka-san and I just took to talking amiably about relatively small things. The weather, the new playground being built and filling out paperwork for my apprenticeship. I had neglected to mention one of my original motivations for the apprenticeship being helping a specific person, but it didn't really matter anymore.
Actually, I had been the one itching to delve deep into the issues and complications of the mission and their effect on me for a change, while Yamanaka-san insisted that we enjoy the weather and pick back up on another day. He almost reminded me of Ino, the way he could convince me to relax a little and live in the moment. I smiled lightly at that, making note to mention that she had a strong kick and was doing well when I last saw her. But that could wait.
"You know Sakura, sometimes coping mechanisms aren't always healthy." Yamanaka-san spoke innocently, stretching his back and exhaling.
"Am I-"
I was cut off as he backtracked.
"No, no. You've been doing great in terms of coping. But I will say this, we're human beings. We make mistakes, we get hurt or hurt others and look to deal with reality in ways that are unhealthy. Sometimes though on the opposite end of the spectrum, continuous awareness of said reality also has a negative effect." He paused to think about the phrasing of his next words as he took in my furrowed brow.
"Being responsible and remaining conscious of your trauma all the time is a burden, even if you don't feel it. It's almost akin to repressing, as you make yourself focus on the motions of 'getting better' and how well you perform them, rather than actually dealing with the problem. The root of the problem is ignored when you don't access the emotions associated with it." Yamanaka-san paused again as I interrupted.
"Yeah, like when you ignore things and certain signs of something deeper for efficiency's sake." I nodded in understanding.
"That's a part of it, yes. However the motive behind it is different. When you ignore things for efficiency's sake it is a continuous thought of 'I don't have time to be anxious, there's so much left to be done, this anxiety is a burden on my productivity and worth'. On the flip side, this ignorance I'm talking about is different. The thought of 'I didn't laze around in bed today, I cleaned my house and I interacted with people today so my trauma must be healing'. It's more like checking things off on a to do list and when it's finished you feel accomplished and stable since you went through the motions of getting better without actually dealing with the underneath."
"So what you're saying is to avoid falling onto either side of the extreme and just deal with my emotions? But that's what I've been trying to do, talk about it." I replied, confused.
"Which is a good, healthy and responsible coping mechanism. Sometimes though, talking about it isn't enough to directly confront what you're feeling head on. It's good if you want to dissect what's going on and find the root of the problem and analyze things, but I bet you've done that already."
"If I didn't know any better it'd sound like you're trying to make me find an unhealthy coping mechanism." I accused playfully, stirring my drink with the straw.
"I'm saying that I wouldn't blame you if you did. Of course a habit is never a good thing, but to do something once is hardly a crime." He spoke thoughtfully, slightly joking before he sighed.
"I think you need some normalcy, Sakura. One that doesn't involve analyzing every inch of your life with an old man. You're in your early twenties, don't take that youth for granted. It's okay to make dumb mistakes and be rebellious and live in the moment. In the battlefield, I'm well aware that isn't the case, but here in the village you can do so without it being life or death. Take risks you can handle surely, but there's no need to grow up so fast; which I know is not the wisest thing to say since shinobi children mature faster than most but you know what I mean." Yamanaka-san continued pointedly, silencing the reply on my lips.
"I want you to engage with your emotions, but I think you like being in control a little bit too much to allow yourself the vulnerability in doing so. I've been told alcohol does well to lessen inhibitions."
I glanced up at him to find that he was dead serious, though there was a glint of an indiscernible emotion in his cerulean eyes. Before I could get him to elaborate, he cleared his throat and stood before giving me his parting words.
"When I said this was your day off, I meant it. It's a free for all, do whatever you want without any repercussions. Indulge in everything, be selfish, and allow others to do things for you, like foot the bill." He smiled, eyes sparkling as he held up the check. I hadn't even noticed he'd taken it from the table. He was good.
"But-" I protested stubbornly, also standing.
"Tomorrow we'll get into the nitty gritty and you can tell me all about how today went. I'll see you later Sakura." He turned on his heel and swiftly left the outdoor seating area through the iron gate, the loud sound of it closing reverberating long after he left.