The music fills my ears and I feel the bass inside my chest. The music is too loud, but right in the middle of the dance floor, it's not like we're going to talk. Maddie is shaking her hips and dancing close to Adam, and I feel a lump forming in my throat by looking at them. Why is it that they have been together since their teens and I can't find the right guy?
"I have to pee," I yell to Maddie motioning that I'm leaving the dance floor. She nods and pushes her butt against Adam. I'm sickened by the two of them. They're too happy and too sweet to look at, but only because they are a reminder of what I don't have. Letting Jared go seemed to break him, and I feel like shit for doing so. I no longer sleep much during the night, and I feel terrible for breaking his heart. It's sad that I no longer know how to sleep alone. I used to be fine being by myself, but now being alone reminds me of everything that I don't have. Washing my hands I take a look in the mirror. The girl staring back doesn't look happy. As a matter of fact I look exhausted. I grab my lipstick form my purse and apply another layer in an attempt to move focus from my tired eyes, but I'm not sure I'm succeeding.
I head back to the dance floor when I meet a familiar face. For fuck's sake! I'm not in the mood for him. "Leah, is it?" Hugh asks grabbing my right arm, and I pull away from him not wanting his touch. I had totally forgotten about him, and here he is rubbing salt in my wound.
"What do you want?" I say staring at him in annoyance. Why is he here? And then it hits me. He's Adam's friend, I should have thought about that before I told Maddie it was okay to bring Adam along tonight. Why is it that they are even going out together?
"You look like someone who could use some cheering up? Want a drink?"
"No, thanks," I say crossing my arms.
"We can dance," he tries. Why is it that he wastes his time with me? Can't he just pick the next girl in the room. Horny prick.
"Not interested," I say and turn around heading for the stairs. Someone catches up to me and grabs my arm.
"You know you could give him a chance," Maddie says, and I role my eyes. Not a chance. He's too desperate, and clearly only wants me for sex.
"Not happening. I'm not looking for a one-night-stand."
"You know it wouldn't hurt for you to get laid. When was the last time you got something?"
I want to scream in her face that I had sex earlier this week, but I don't say anything to her. I didn't end things with Jared until yesterday, and I thought going out tonight would be a good distraction. Clearly I was wrong. "Leah?" I hear my name being spoken as I get back downstairs. My eyes look up and I meet with a pair of familiar eyes.
Sam.
What is tonight? Seems like my past constantly have a way of getting to me. It's as it's trying to tell me that there's no way for me to move on. Should I be moving to Melbourne?
"OMG, it is you," she says with a bright smile on her face and gives me a cuddle. Her embrace feels uncomfortable, and I only just pad her back slightly with one hand finding the situation awkward. Why is she so happy to see me? She pulls back and flashes me a smile. She seems unaffected when I don't smile back and sticks her hand out to Maddie.
"Hi, I'm Sam."
"Maddie," Maddie says sending me a confused glare. I haven't told her about Sam, and I'm not sure I've told her about Harry either.
"Who are you?" Maddie wonders.
"Harry's sister," she says looking at Maddie and then over at me. Maddie keeps looking at her in confusion. "Can we talk?" Sam asks grabbing my arm. I'm hesitant. "Please."
"I'll meet you outside," I tell Maddie and walk to the side of the staircase so that we're not standing in the middle of everything. I cross my arms, and take a deep breath. I'm not sure I want to hear what she has to say. Then again it's not her but Harry I'm mad at.
"He still talks about you," she says, and I shake my head. She doesn't get to do this. I don't want him back into my life.
"Sorry, Sam. I don't want to hear this," I say and take a step in the direction of the exit, but she grabs my arm telling me to stop.
"He misses you, Leah. A lot. He won't stop talking about you to me. He's heartbroken," she says, and I feel myself breaking once again. The music no longer seems loud, as a matter of fact I barely hear it, and everything seems to be moving in slow-motion. It seems that I'm the only person left in the room and I want to scream at the top of my lunges but no sound passes my lips. Tears press on, and my heart is banging in my chest. I don't want Harry back into my life and here Sam is ripping up an old wound breaking me even further. He doesn't get to walk out of my life like he did and then crawl back into it like this. Who the fuck is he even? Who the fuck is he? Like who does something like this? It seems that his fiancée isn't enough, and it's sickening me that he's behaving like this. Clearly, he's just playing us, and I wonder if he's even being honest with himself. Does he even want a child with her?
If Sam speaks any other words I don't hear them, instead, I practically run outsidd as I feel tears fall down my cheeks.
"Leah!" Someone calls after me, and I hear footsteps following me as I run out onto the street gasping for air.
"Leah, what's going on?" Maddie asks touching my shoulder. Her touch startles me, and my eyes meet hers.
"Oh my god, Lee. It's okay," she says and pulls me into her arms as I cry my eyes out. She rubs my back, and I rest my head on her shoulder.
"It's not. Nothing's okay," I cry and pull back crying hysterically. I wipe my eyes and stare at her in desperation.
"What's going on?" She wonders.
"Sh-she can't just do that!" I complain.
"What? Lee what's going on?"
"She can't just tell me that he misses me. She doesn't get to do that. I hate him," I say out loud as if I say it, it'll be true, but truth is as much as I wish I did, I can't hate Harry.
"Who? Who are you talking about?"
"Harry!" I practically scream at her not wanting to explain myself. I just want her to understand.
"Talk to me, I want to know what's going on with you. Who's Harry?"
"I love him," I confess taking us both aback. How is it that after more than six weeks I still love him? Why can't this stupid feeling just leave me be? I never asked for this. "H-he broke me. And Sam, she says he misses me, but he's with her!" I scream throwing up my hands. "I'm not good enough!" I'm not sure if it's only Sam's words that trigger something inside of me, or if the alcohol also plays a role. Either way a lot of feelings have resurfaced, and I just want them all to disappear. Would it be completely wrong to call Jared now?
"Of course, you're good enough. Why haven't you told me about him?"
I shrug. "Perhaps because it shouldn't have happened. I knew from the start that falling for one's boss is a horrible idea, but I did head first only to have my heart broken!" I'm breathing rapidly trying to take a deep breath to calm myself but without luck. I'm furious with Harry and right now also with Sam. "She doesn't get to do that! She can't just tell me, he misses me! He left me. He left me for her!"
"Who? Lee, your words aren't making much sense."
"Sam, his sister! She says that he misses me. Harry, that Harry misses me. But he doesn't get to miss me when he's sleeping with his fiancée. She's pregnant! How can he be missing me when she's pregnant!" I ask rhetorically letting myself fall down on the ground. It's most likely only 7 degrees, but I don't feel anything and I'm not sure it's due to the alcohol in my blood. All I feel is my heart breaking all over again.
"No, Lee, don't sit down out here! It's freezing. You'll catch pneumonia. We should get you home."
For the next five minutes, I don't realise much of what's going on. I'm seeing Adam, and I think I catch a glimpse of Hugh although I'm not sure and all of a sudden we're inside a taxi heading home. I'm no longer crying, yet I feel terrible and as I stare out in the night sky I just want Harry. I want him to hold me. I want him to tell me he loves me and that Kaia is out of his life. I want him to be mine, but I don't want him to give up his baby, and I'm better than that. He doesn't deserve me when he treats me like shit and just steps all over me whenever he pleases.
Maddie grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. I look over at her, and she flashes me a smile. "It sounds like Harry is a prick. You can do better than that."
"Right now, I think I'm done with men. They all seem to bring out the worst in me."
"I'm sorry you feel that way. And I'm sorry for the way he's treated you. You'll find someone someday who'll treat you right."
"Right now, all I want is, Harry!" I confess and feel my tears press on again. Why did Sam have to appear tonight?
"Oh, Lee," Maddie unbuckles her seatbelt and moves to the middle seat and puts on her seatbelt once more. She wraps her arms around me and pulls me close to her, and I start crying again. Sometimes, I wonder why I'm still friends with her especially when we only seem to see each other when she doesn't have anyone else to go out with. I haven't even told her about Harry, but right now in this moment I know exactly why we're still friends.
"How long has something been going on between you two?"
"Dunno. Three, four months. Long enough for me to fall in love with him. But I should have backed out from the beginning! I'm an awful person for getting into a relationship with a taken man! Especially so when that man was also my boss."
"You know, you can't break into a relationship where everything is fine. If everything had been fine, he wouldn't have let anything happen between you. Clearly, he wanted you too," she says, and I let her words sink in. She's right although I've tried myself to convince myself I never meant anything to him. But if Kaia was the one, he'd never have let me on, and he did for so long that I let myself fall for him. And if I'm not mistaken he fell for me too.
"But why would he sleep with her then? Why would he stay with her if he wanted me and not her?"
"Sometimes, people in relationships cheat on their partner because they want to feel loved or desired. Something is missing in their relationship that makes them seek something else, but that doesn't mean that they are ready to let that other person go. I'm not saying it's right, but sometimes they are afraid of what their lives will be like without that other person. Perhaps, he was afraid that he might end up losing both of you."
"That doesn't make it okay," I sniff lifting my head up. We're getting closer to home, and I can't wait to feel my soft bed beneath me. I just want to go to sleep and forget about this night.
"Of course, it doesn't. But sometimes we do things that hurt others, and we do so unintentionally. Last month, Adam went out, and he came home rather early and I immediately knew something was wrong when he looked at me," she says, and my eyes meet hers.
"What happened?"
"He had gotten so drunk that he ended up kissing someone else."
"What! And you're okay with that?" I ask, her words shocking me. I didn't think Adam would do something like that.
"No, I'm not okay with that. But it's never happened before. And I'm just glad he told me immediately and didn't try to hide it from me. I've never seen him like that before. I could tell he felt really guilty. Obviously, it was a mistake, and of course it hurt, but it happened in the heat of the moment."
"What if he'd slept with someone else?"
"Then it'd be different. I mean that isn't just one bad decision in the heat of the moment. That's a lot of bad decisions during many moments, meaning that something clearly isn't right. If he'd told me he'd slept with someone else, I'd assume he was missing something in his relationship with me, that I wasn't giving him enough. But I don't suppose kissing a stranger is much different than dancing heatedly with a stranger on a night out. It's all innocent of course, and Adam knows I only want him. But we all can't help but like a bit of attention, and we're only human after all."
"I'm sorry to hear that he did that, but I do understand what you're saying. Harry, knocked up his fiancée though. If I'd been enough he would have left her a long time ago."
"Maybe, but perhaps if he let her go he feared that what you two had would be gone too. I mean, the two of you seemed to have sprung from his bad relationship to his fiancée, who knows how you'd react if suddenly it was just the two of you and no one else," she says, and I narrow my eyes at her. "Look, I'm not trying to defend him, Lee. I don't know anything about him or your relationship, but even though he was already taken doesn't mean you didn't mean anything to him."
"He said he loved me," I sigh wiping away the remains of my tears and stare outside the window.
"Maybe he did love you. You don't know that he didn't. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. That doesn't make his actions okay, and the thought of him sleeping with someone else when he was also seeing you is a really terrible thing to do, however, he isn't the first to have done something like that."
"That doesn't make it right. I don't understand how you can sleep with two women at the same time, well not technically at the same time. You know what I mean."
"Me neither, but perhaps he had his reasons. Anyway, it sounds like you should let yourself move on. You deserve someone who gives you the world. Someone who treats you right."
"I tried that! He was too nice!"
"Girl, why haven't I heard about any of this until now. Sounds like you've been quite busy. Hope, you at least got some good sex out of it," she says, and I chuckle. "Yay, she's finally smiling," she says smiling back.
"I did. Jared wasn't too good though. I think he didn't have a lot of experience or perhaps he was just more interested in coming himself," I whisper not wanting the driver to hear us. Maddie laughs, and I can't help but laugh too. The fact that he's made me feel better so quickly is exactly why we're friends.
"Then it's a good thing you dumped him. Sex is supposed to be for both parts otherwise we might just get off on our own. I don't need a man to make me come."
"Perhaps I should just live the rest of my life in celibacy," I say partly serious.
"You could, but even if I can come on my own, I do need a man to feel wanted - desired. And I do like the comfort Adam gives me. I couldn't live the rest of my life without that. I think humans in general needs to feel needed, if we don't, I think we end up withering away, and what a waste that'd be."