So here's what you missed on glee: Santana and Dani thought that Brody was a drug dealer but it turns out he's a gigolo. And Santana and Dani figured it out and called Finn... so Finn went to New York and beat the crap out of Brody and told him to... stay away from my future wife! And Rachel has no idea any of this is going on. Yikes! And that's what you missed on Glee!
I sit next to Kurt in acting class, in complete shock. I literally don't think I can move.
"See, everybody, by acting out our secret shames, like Carly's traumatic sense-memory of potty training, we become more vulnerable as actors. Kurt, your up." The teacher says. Kurt stands up and does his traumatic scene.
"Danielle, you're next!" He says and I get up to do my own.
That night Rachel was showering and Kurt and I were brushing our teeth when Santana walked into the bathroom.
"Okay, this is ridiculous. If I'm going to be paying a fourth of the rent, I'm going to need a fourth of the shelf space." Santana complains.
"Don't get too comfortable, okay? This is only temporary." Rachel comments. I snort.
"Okay." I mutter with a mouth full of toothpaste. Kurt laughs.
"I don't even think you need all these beauty products, Rachel, 'cause they're not really having the desired effect. Unless your goal is to look like a reject from the Shahs of sunset." Santana says. Kurt and I spit out our toothpaste.
"One, Rachel's beautiful. Two, you're a bitch and those are my products, okay? And maybe if you used them, you wouldn't have more Paul then the Middle East on your face." Kurt says back. We high five.
"Ooh." Rachel says from the shower. Santana and I laugh. Rachel starts singing in the shower.
"That's really funny. You want to play with me, Kurt, 'cause I can play all day every day. What if I just told your BFF about her BF and his man-whoring ways?" Santana threatens. We spit in the counter again.
"We had a pact." Kurt says. I shrug.
"What if I broke that pact, huh? What would you do? Attack me with your exfoliating loofah?" Santana whispers.
"Okay, She can't find out until after her Funny Girl audition, all right? That would wreck her." Kurt reasons, still whispering.
"Maybe if you make me some space, I'd care a little bit more. I want that whole top row." Santana tells him as rachel steps out of the shower in a towel. I start flossing.
"Ooh la la, Rachel Berry in a towel. How could Brody give all this up?" Santana comments. I nudge her with a smirk.
"You know what, not now, Okay. It's too soon. Everything still reminds me of him. You know we first met in the bathroom, bonding over our moisturizing ritual?" Rachel informs us, sadly.
"Are you sure he didn't leave you for Kurt?" I ask.
"Wow, that sounds really not romantic and also very, very gay. Is that why he left, huh? Did he finally admit to having a boyfriend on the side?" Santana says.
"You know, he actually didn't even say why." Rachel says, explaining how he left.
"Puke. That is the most cliche breakup line ever. You're not gonna be friends and you don't need him. I mean you've got friends right here." Santana says sounding genuine.
"What? Friends who mock my looks and undermine my confidence?" Rachel asks rehotorically.
"It's how we show we care." I sympathize.
"No, friends who cheer you up by playing pranks on your other friend." Santana corrects me, smirking.
"What are you talking about?" Rachel asks.
"Maybe a mascara mustache for Lady Hummel, which would probably be the only facial hair he's ever had, or we could do that stick-his-Hand-in-warm-water-make-him-wet-the-bed trick? Ladies choice." Santana suggests.
We sneak into his room with a pot of water.
"What the hell?" I laugh.
"What the hell is that?" Santana asks as she turns on the lights making Kurt half wake up.
"Oh my god, the curtain means privacy." Kurt whines.
"Oh, my god, Kurt. That thing is really creepy. What is that?" Rachel says.
"I thought it was stupid the first time I saw it too, but I kept thinking about the ad. You know, are you lonely? Do you need companionship? Yes, yes, I need all those things. It just offers you a nice, protective arm around you while you sleep at night." Kurt explains, rambling in his whine-y voice. Rachel and I move to sit on either side of him.
"Hey, I mean, it's probably safer than trolling grinder for a man-whore." Santana says with a shrug.
"Did you name it?" Rachel asks.
"Oh, you totally named it." I grinned. Kurt paused.
"His name is Bruce, and we're exclusive. So you can't borrow him." Kurt scolds, tilling Bruce away from Rachel's grasp.
The next evening, Kurt guides us all on the couch and he places blind folds on us, saying he has a surprise for us.
"No peeking.... and peek, peek, peek, peek." Kurt says after placing something over my neck. I take the blindfold off and I laugh loudly.
"You did not." I say.
"Oh, my god. Kurt, you gave my boyfriend pillow a sex change. That's so sweet." Santana gushes.
"A little perfume and voilà." Kurt explains.
"Dang! My boyfriend pillows in leopard silk." I laugh.
"If you ever yell anyone about this, I have no ethical problems with Hummel-cide." Santana tells him, going in the kitchen.
"I second that." I raise my hand. Kurt sits down in Santana's previous spot.
"You don't seem as excited about yours." Kurt says to Rachel as if he's confused.
"This is weird, and I'm not lonely. Okay, I don't need anything to cuddle with. Just 'cause Brody moved out doesn't mean that we're not gonna get back together." Rachel says in distaste, placing the pillow on the coffee table thing.
"Yeah, that's not happening." I say firmly.
"Okay, no." Santana also says.
"What?" She asks us. I stand up, placing my boyfriend pillow down to stand next to Santana.
"I'm sorry. It's over, and it's gonna stay over. We were wrong about Brody being a drug dealer, but we were just wrong about what he was selling. Your boyfriend wasn't a caterwaiter, he was a gigolo. Like magic mike with happy endings for money." Santana admits.
"That's not true, right? You didn't... you didn't know about that. It's not true, right?" Rachel stutters. Kurt hesitates, not answering just looking at her with sadness.
"Right?" She asks louder and when he still doesn't answer she stands up and storms to her room. Kurt sighs.
"You're welcome." Santana yells. She closes her curtain.
"Why did you have to do that?" Kurt asks.
"It was for her own good." Santana reasons.
"She would've thought it was okay to go back to Brody. She would've held onto hope they could still be together. It's our job to destroy those feelings." I add. Santana and I nod while Kurt sighs.
The next morning Rachel gets dressed and goes to school like every other day, but she doesn't say a word. We all look at each other in worry.
That evening, Kurt, Santana and I sit on the couch watching tv with our pillow boyfriends and girlfriend.
"This.. this is crazy. This show is like crack. I cannot believe this was on regular tv." Santana says.
"I literally cannot get up." I laugh.
"Aw, I thought you guys would like this Facts of Life marathon. Thank god I recorded six months of it on the DVR. Thank you, tv land!" Kurt said.
"Okay, so please tell me that the chick on the motorcycle and that super bitch get together in the end." Santana asks for spoilers.
"They do not, but... George Clooney joins the cast later. As the handyman with a heart of gold." Kurt tells us.
"Really?!" I ask, smiling.
"No way. Oh, I love those guys." Santana says.
"And a mullet." Kurt laughs.
"Okay, we have to turn this into a musical so that I can play Jo." Santana suggests.
"Can I be Blair, and we can go a duet?" Rachel asks, walking into the apartment.
"Ooh..." Kurt says, pausing the show.
"Well, that depends on what, uh, happened with you and the American psycho." Santana says, egging Rachel to tell us what happened with her and Brody.
"Yeah, we had a-a pretty mature and honest conversation. You know, we decided that we're obviously gonna he professional, because we're gonna see each other all the time, and be in each other's lives because we go to the same school. But, um... but yeah, it's- it's over. For real." Rachel explains. We all kind of look at each other in silence.
"And, you know, I really have you two to thank. Because neither of you gave up, and you really were trying to make me see, and... I-I appreciate you two getting Finn to come and defend my honor. I know that was you Dani, so... I swear I will never doubt your Mexican psychic third eye ever again, Santana." Rachel finishes and Santana laughs lightly while pointing at her forehead. We all kind of sit back. Kurt rubs Rachel's knee.
"Why the long face? You've got a hot boyfriend pillow in there named Colin. I named him Colin after the non-threatening boy in The Secret Garden 'cause I know you loved it.... Don't be sad." Kurt begged after she didn't laugh at the pillows name. Both Santana and I looked at her with sad smiles.
"I'm not. I'm good, I... I feel... ready. You know? I-I-I'm ready for my Funny Girl audition, and to maybe start seeing older guys... and I'm definitely ready for our new and permanent roommate." Rachel said, looking at Santana. I quietly squealed and cuddled into my boyfriend pillow and her, excited I had my best friend staying.
"But I'm gonna use the pity card just for a second, since I am the one thats heartbroken and going through a breakup and found out that my boyfriend was some weirdo man-whore, I'm gonna get to pick the move tonight, Okay? And I think we should pick... the best guilty pleasure movie musical ever." Rachel said as she held up MAMA MIA!
"Yes!" I cheered quietly as she started singing 'mama Mia'.
We all stand up and start singing and dancing with her, eventually hoola-hooping in the apartment.