After that, we didn't talk much about ourselves anymore, but rather about the school and other people. Something gave me the feeling that I was safe with him.
Nobody realized that I had left the house and I felt it was for the best. Addy hadn't come home all day, but had done something with her friends. At least that's what she texted to me.
At the weekend, Philip and I texted only a few sentences, my father didn't mention the subject of therapy and Addy disappeared all the time outside. I spent my time in my room or the roof.
On sunday evening Addy and I got together on the roof. There was no special reason, it was like a secret meeting place. We didn't know if our father suspected that we were sitting on the roof and staring at the sky.
"The boy who was her." she started. "Do you like him?"
"Kinda." I nodded and turned my eyes away from the sky. Addy kept looking at it. This time we were smart enough to take a blanket outside. We spread it over our legs.
It seemed to me that something warm would fit into the picture. No cigarette smoke, no alcohol, but something normal. Something like tea. At that moment, I was wondering about myself. My head was always looking for some kind of drug and now I just wanted to sit outside and what? Drink tea?
Addy nodded.
"Why do you ask?"
"Just 'cause." she answered and looked at me. "I want you to have friends."
"Maybe we'll become friends."
"Maybe you are friends?"
I didn't know an answer to that.
It was Monday and I decided to go back to school.
Everything went normal. No one asked stupid questions, except if I feel better. I told everyone that I had some illness and was feeling much better. Thanks for asking. Philip hadn't said a word about what was really going on. He even joined in and said that he had come over and I looked awful.
I didn't go home that day. We just sat on the school ground or kicked the ball back and forth. It was like a stupid high school movie where you had fun as a student. Maybe I was just in the wrong movie. It was too good, way too good.
It looked like I had friends and would do something with them everyday. In fact, I laughed at funny sayings or mishaps, not like a few months ago. Sometimes Philip and I looked at each other and he would smile for a moment until he turned back to the others.
Maybe he gave me a bit of hope. Hope for a better life.
It was warm, but not hot. However, the heat was just in the air, because there wasn't a bit of wind. The sky was cloudless. Just as my brain was carefree.
We eventually found ourselves together in the meadow. Together we just sat and talked. I don't remember what it was about, which may mean it was very unimportant, but at that moment I was okay. We laughed together and talked about some insignificant nonsense. But it was important, because it helped me. Only for a short time, but at least something.
Maybe I don't need any therapy or medicine. Just a few morons who would constantly talk to me about nonsense.
I was okay.
Until the call came.
We were just laughing until my phone rang. Since it was my dad, of course I picked it up. The only thing that was in my mind was that he wanted to know if I was okay and when I would come home. When he said that he would say something to me and that I should not go crazy, I got up and walked a few feet away.
"What's wrong?" I heard myself say, but I was not sure if it was me. If that made sense. "Dad?"
"Dan, calm down, it's all right, just let me talk."
"Just say it."
"We're at the hospital." I swallowed hard and I didn't know if I wanted to know. He stopped talking as if he was waiting for my reaction. However, I had none.
My heart started racing and my eyes picked out a spot to look at. Strangely, that was Phil. I just looked at him, only to realize that he was already looking at me with concern.
"Why?" I didn't break eye contact. Maybe he would help me to stay calm.
"Adriana." He streched her name too long.
"What's wrong with her?" Not her. Everyone but Addy.
"She's okay, Dan."
"What's wrong with her?" I asked more emphatically and turned in the other direction. As if I were alone now. "Dad, tell me."
"I don't want to tell you if I don't know it myself."
"What do you not know?"
"I don't know what she did." I heard him say and I didn't know if it just made me confused or desperate.
"How do you not know?" I asked and touched my forehead. I turned around again. Phil talked to the others, but after a few seconds he looked at me. He gave me a worried, questioning look and I didn't know what gesture I could do to tell him what was going on. That's why I waved him unobtrusively to me. He stood up.
"I don't want to do that on the phone." I heard my father say as I watched Phil as he ran towards me.
"Then I'll come to you."
"I don't know if this is a good idea."
"Apparently it is, if you don't want to talk like that." Phil was standing in front of me, but I kept talking. But I wasn't alone anymore.
"Okay." he agreed in the end.
"Are you okay?" I asked. There was a long break. Maybe he hadn't expected me to ask or he didn't want to answer.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm okay."
"See you soon." I hung up and stayed there forever with my cell phone in my hand. I just stared at my black screen. Maybe I was waiting for something, but nothing happened.
Phil could do nothing except looking at me. He put his hand on my shoulder.
"What'a going on?" he asked softly. Nobody would have heard if he spoke normally. I didn't know why he spoke quietly, but I was grateful to him, because it was so fucking loud in my head.
"I dont know." I mumbled and looked up. My vision was blurry and I immediately tried to swallow my tears and the lump in my throat.
"Addy is in the hospital, I don't know why, I have to go there. I don't know where it is, do you know where-" I babbled without taking a breath. Phil interrupted me with a hug. I didn't resist. It was only short and probably just to make me shut up.
"Calm down, no stress before you know what's going on." he tried to calm me down. "I know the hospital sounds bad, but maybe everything's okay."
"My dad said she's okay."
"See?" he said, releasing me. "If you're driving on the main street, everything is labeled, if not, google maps, we only have a hospital, there's a city map hanging around somewhere, maybe twenty minutes by bike."
"I don't have a bike." I said confused. It felt like my brain was turning off and looked at the floor.
"I know, you're taking mine. I walk, all right? There's only one bike down there, it should be mine." I didn't answer, and suddenly I felt his hand on my shoulder again and looked up. "Text me, okay?"
I just nodded, and he squeezed my shoulder.
"I'm not telling them, I promise." Again I nodded and he turned around, whereupon I also ran to his bike.
The hospital was easier to find as intended. I probably didn't live at the end of the world. Only now I saw a little of the small town in which I lived from now.
It was loud.
What was wrong that my dad couldn't tell me on the phone? Was she ill? Did something happen to her? No, she had done something, right? My father had said he didn't know what she had done. What was it for fucks sake?
If something would happen to Addy, I didn't know what I would do. I'd get even crazier than I already was. My life without Addy wasn't a life. It isn't even a life now. I think she brought most of life into mine. Energy, joy, fun. Is it stupid to say that she was my best friend?