WARNING: MENTION OF SELFHARM, STICHES, HOSPITAL
***
I remembered the smell in the hospital. That a young nurse had stiched my wound. Nobody had asked me why or how. Everyone just did their job and that was better that way, because I wouldn't have answered anyway.
"You should get some rest." That's what she said after she finished. She felt sorry and she didn't mean that I should go to sleep.
None of us had said anything for the entire drive. My dad hadn't asked any questions. In the car, I fought hard not to fall asleep. Everything was moving in slow motion. My head had problems putting the pictures together.
5:08 am. This indicated the clock in the car after I was spending eternities focusing on them.
When we arrived, my father helped me out of the car and almost dragged me into the hallway of the house. I remembered running into the kitchen and puking in the sink. That I started crying and my dad had to help me to stand still. I wanted to say a lot, but nothing came out of me except the constant sobbing.
After that he had put me in his bed, whereupon I fell asleep immediately. Maybe he had said something else, but I didn't hear it anymore.
When I woke up it was dark and I wasn't alone.
"I didn't want to wake you up." I heard Addy's voice and only now noticed that she held my hand. The door was a bit open, so I could see her silhouette and face.
"Why aren't you at school?"
"It's 3pm, Dan." Something like a laugh left me, but it wasn't a laugh. I don't know what it was.
"How are you?" she asked softly and I squeezed her hand but didn't answer.
"You look like shit." she said after a while.
"I feel like shit." I mumbled and tried to sit up. She knew it, of course she knew it. My father had told her, certainly.
"Why didn't you come to me?" I frowned and looked confused. That wasn't really an option for me. "You can talk to me."
"Who says that I wanna talk?"
"You should talk."
"I shouldn't do something, I don't wanna do."
"You shouldn't-!" it popped out of her, but she didn't complete the sentence. We both knew what she wanted to say and maybe I wanted her to say it once. Then she would be the asshole for a moment, not me. She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair.
"You should eat something." she finally said and I swallowed hard. I watched our hands for a moment.
"Okay." I nodded and she took her hand from mine, but I reached for it as if it were my essence to life. Addy looked at me wide-eyed, probably not expecting the reaction any more than I did. For a moment, we both sat there, frozen.
"Please, don't be mad at me, please, I-" I begged, but she interrupted me, pulling me into her arms. She pressed me to her. One hand was around my back, the other in my hair. I started crying.
"You scared the shit out of me." she said quietly and I pressed my eyes together. I clasped her shoulders with my hands, almost clawing at her, as if I was scared that someone would take her away from me.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please, I didn't want that, I'm sorry."
"It's okay, Dan, it's okay, your're okay." she repeated again and again as she weighed me like a baby back and forth. The last time I cried so before her, we were sitting on the sidewalk in Wokingham. I could remember exactly.
After an eternity, we went down to have something to eat.
As we passed my room, I stopped abruptly. He had certainly been there and... cleaned up. The simple thought of that made me sick. For confirmation, I opened my door and in fact I was right.
For a long time I stood rooted in the door frame and stared into the room. My bedsheets were new and the floor was almost shiny. My window was open. Addy gently grabbed my arm and pulled me back to reality.
My dad was sleeping on the couch, so Addy and I locked ourselves in the kitchen. For her I tried to eat something.
My arm hurt.
I sat on the kitchen counter while Addy ate like a normal person at the table.
"Who are you constantly chilling with?" I asked at some point to break the silence.
"With people from my class." she answered without looking up. "You can come with me." She said it as if she didn't believe that I would ever come along. As if she just said it to try. It would stay that way.
Suddenly the doorbell rang and Addy and I looked at each other in confusion. After a few seconds, she got up and quietly walked to the door, whereupon I heard a familiar voice. Is he serious?
I put my plate aside and hopped off the counter.
"Dan is super sick." she lied while I stepped into the hallway.
"Addy, it's okay, let him in." I interrupted her before she could continue her lie. Philip watched me as I somehow dragged myself to the door. My sister looked confused, but said nothing, just nodded as she ran back to the kitchen.
For a moment, Philip and I just looked at each other until I gestured him to followe me. It was almost hard to climb the stairs and to enter my room. It felt worse when you were in the middle of it.
I tried to ignore the feeling and sat on my table. Philip had followed me and looked through my room, but spared every comment.
"So you're not sick."
"No."
"I also don't believe you just skipped school."
"Look buddy, I think it's really nice that you're here, but you don't have to take care of me."
"I know." he said natural. "Just wanted to know if you're okay, you didn't reply to any message."
At that moment, I didn't know what I felt. Something in me just wanted to tell him everything and something else screamed to throw him out as fast as possible. To throw him out of my life and not just this house. I said nothing, just looked at him.
"You are not okay, right?" he asked softly after a while and I swallowed hard. My heart ached again, but in a different way as tonight. Maybe it wasn't pain at all, but I didn't want to think about that.
For too long, I gave no response from me, but just looked at him. Everything in me said that I should convince him otherwise. That I was fine, that I just didn't want to appear in school.
Instead, I started to shake my head slowly. It happened because I wanted it, not because I couldn't control my head. I trusted him. I probably wouldn't even have let him into the house if I wouldn't.
He sighed and sat down in my chair.
"Wanna talk about it?" Again, I only shook my head. It felt like he was just sitting here with me until I felt better. As if he had no expectations of me.
"What's going on in your life, though?" I suddenly wanted to know. I noticed that I knew nothing about him, except who his friends were, where he lived and that he was gay. And suddenly I wanted to know everything. Philip looked at me perplexed.
"I hope the times were shit was going on are over." He laughed briefly, but I realized that it was only there to hide something.
"What was going on?" I asked it as carefully as possible, because I didn't want to make him feel like he needed to tell me anything. He looked at me, then at the floor. He ran his fingers through his hair, then he started playing with his fingers.
"That's a long story." he laughed.
"I don't know about you, but I've got time." I put a leg on the table and rest my chin on my knee. He laughed again and looked at me, whereupon I actually managed to give him a slight smile.
"I've only lived here for 3 years, before that I lived in the middle of the city. It's not that far from here, but it doesn't matter. I live with my dad's parents, my dad is in America, has a company, has something to do with Technique, not my cup of tea, but he comes on the holidays. " He said everything as he looked everywhere, except into my eyes.
"Do you like him?"
"My dad?" I nodded.
"He's not in this country, not even on the same continent, but he's there, you know, I can call him, we skype from time to time." he says as he plays around with his fingers. "He likes me."
I wanted to know so much more, but I didn't dare to ask. If I should know, I will know it someday.
Philip sat down sighing, but didn't look at me.
"I was in the hospital tonight." I almost confessed and his eyes shot up faster than I thought. Did I regret it? No idea, but it was out and now he knew it.
"Why?" he wanted to know after a long silence. It sounded like he was thinking hard about asking or not. I thought for a long time about whether to answer or not. Eventually, I pulled up my sleeve and the bandage came out.
Philip studied it for a long time without saying a word, until he carefully grabbed my wrist and looked at my arm. Not judgmental, not degrading, he just looked at it. The mask had fallen in the forest and he would see more and more of me, that was clear to me at that moment. Was it stupid of me? What is it good? Only time would show.
He let go of my arm and I pulled my sleeve down.
"You can trust me, Dan. I promise."
I knew it.
~~~
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shit is starting to burn🔥