Damian is my life now.
And I want to spend with him every single second I can get.
But it's hard when my parents want to control my life but not my brother's. "Be home at five," they say. "You can't go looking for him," they always complain. "You saw him yesterday so you can't see him today...."
It's always the same.
But nooooo to my brother is different...
No time.
No rules.
No limits.
... It's not fair...
******
January 11, 2019~
Another brand new year. I remember when Damian and I had only a few days of dating and now a year has passed. At first I remember I wasn't so sure about him. I was still emotionally attached to Juan even so he had a girlfriend. I'm glad I gave Damian the chance to become my friend and something more or else I would have still been the side chick for the idiot of Juan.
Damian really changed my life.
And I'm glad for once I didn't do a mistake.
Over the last few days I've been working really hard at work and giving all my love to Damian. There was so little time to be doing the other things I used to do as a teen back in highschool. Since I turned twenty things have been different now.
I feel old.
Tired.
Stressed.
And I just simply feel like time flies by super fast.
"Wow January is already taking a head start." My coworker commented.
I simply chuckled and continued to type on my computer.
Here at work we consist of around eighteen people. Out of all the eighteen I only speak to three.
My boss.
My supervisor.
And my coworker.
There is three departments and I belong to the processing department. We are only three in the same office. It was just Julie the supervisor and Deidra who was like me. Deidra and I were the only two in the office and so she was the one who commented. I usually don't talk at all at work. I mean everyone is busy doing their jobs and well I'm the really really really young one. I'm mostly busy typing or texting to Tara whenever I have chances between files so talking ain't really my thing.
"Imma smoke." Julie afterwards said and left to go outside.
Deidra then turned her seat and looked back at me.
"Gurl guess what my boyfriend is getting out of jail." She said it with a smile.
Her boyfriend she has meet for a few months got sent to jail for abusing his recent ex. Deidra says he has changed but who am I to judge?
People can change right?
I used to think of that at Joe but he never changed. And I kept going back to him thinking he was going to but no from experience I know it is rare for people to change.
Well to the good of course.
It's much easier to change to bad than anything else.
I simply smiled back happy because she was happy. Though from what Julie has told me, her guy is dangerous but Deidra doesn't want to see it.
Love is blind.
But I've been there so I understand.
I was blind many times before.
With Joe.
With Emilio.
And the worse... With Juan.
"When he getting out?" I asked just to keep the small talk going. Trust me it gets tiring being quiet for eight hours so it was nice to talk a little even if it consisted of me to mostly listen.
"On the sixteenth." She said.
"Ooo nice. Are you excited?"
"Oh hell yes girl I'm so excited I can't wait to have him home again."
"That's good." I smiled.
"Anyways do you have a boyfriend?" She asked.
I could feel my face burn red.
I really never talked about my private life to them.
"Yes." I said.
"How old is he? Everyone gets shock when I tell them I'm older than Dom."
Dom short for Dominic is her boyfriend's name.
"How much older are you?" I asked.
"By five. I'm about to turn forty three."
"Oh dang."
I personally like guys to be older than girls. I don't know I feel weird when the guy is younger but that's my opinion. Where there is love there is love, no matter the age, size, or color we all have a heart in common.
"My guy is older..." I went.
"How much older?"
"Seven."
Her eyes went round like super round.
"Oh my do your parents know?"
"Nope." I scratched my head as I laughed nervously. "We lied and told them he is twenty three."
"Oh my." She laughed.
"In fact...you're the first person that knows this."
"Uh oh." She playfully laughed. "Then imma make sure to be careful not to say anything to your dad. Good thing your dad only speaks Spanish." She giggled.
In part it felt nice to reveal someone about that little secret. Heck if my family and parents find out they would kill me.
Ah the things I do for love...
Then Julie walked in.
"What did I miss?"
******
January 12, 2019~
I was at my nephew Diego's birthday party and there was a baby and well I went to grab the baby and was playing with the baby in the living room. All the other kids were upstairs and the grownups were mostly outside or in the kitchen. Diego was turning eight today. I remember when he was just a baby. Seriously time goes too fast. I don't know whether to feel scared or not.
The baby was smirking at me and heck that was one of the most cutest thing ever. I was taking a selfie with the baby when suddenly a text appeared.
Odd.....
I didn't know the number so I simply ignored it, not even caring what was the text. Lately I've been getting spam calls and texts so I just assumed it was one of those.
Later in the day I was videoing the baby when I got a text from Damian. He saw my posts on my whatsapp status about the baby and was replying back with lots of hearts and shizz.
Damian: When will it be our turn to have a baby 😍😍😍😍😍
I laughed and face palmed. Sometimes Damian can be so random. Makes me love him even more.
I sent Damian back a winky face and went to charge my phone. There was one unread text that was bothering me so I opened it up.
It's me Juan I'm guessing you hate me I don't blame you your probably wondering why I stopped working for you I stopped talking to you so you can be happy with the guy you like and I didn't want to be a anchor to. I wanted see happy to be with same one and I m sorry I stopped talking to you I hope you can forgive me...
Oh my so many grammar mistakes in that text...
I didn't know who it was and I replied back saying You are forgiven lol. I've been pranking the random numbers that appeared so I just assumed it was just any random person.
That was when I reread the first text and saw the name Juan there.
I felt something get clogged in my throat and my mind went blank for a moment.
Me: wait Juan as in who?
I texted back after I sent the other one.
Juan: as in the one you used to called cutie...
Back in highschool I would call him cutie just for fun and games. It was Juan...the one who said some very horrible and nasty things a year ago. The one who used me as his side chick...the one who didn't treat me the right way....and the one who broken my heart just like the other two.
Me: oh.
I'm numb to it. I don't feel nothing for him. The only thing I feel is hate and overall disgust with myself. How could I ever have thought I liked this dude in the first place??? Why did I ever think he was going to pick me over his girlfriend???? Why did I ever listen to him....
I wish I could go back in time and erase some of the things I did when I was with Juan. Because to be honest my greatest mistake wasn't Joe. It was HIM. I did something that I will never forgive myself for doing. Every time I remember I feel dirty....ashamed....
I've been burdening this for a very long time. Even if I told Damian when we were just friends and he accepted me no mater what, I feel a little worthless...
Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve someone like Damian after the thing I did.
It may not be a big deal but for me it is. Because I'm embarrassed at what I did.
All because I thought that was love.
How stupid I was. How naive. How pathetic. How idiotic.
I'm dirty.....
And now as I was reading his text I felt all of my happiness...my normal self being washed away. It was as if he brought back the storm after so long.
I'm dirty....
I'm dirty....
I'm really dirty...
Those words replayed over and over in my head and I was holding my breath all this time when yet again he texted back.
Juan: How are you?
How am I?
HOW AM I?!
IM DIRTY.
IM ANGRY.
I WANT TO---
Me: Good.
No I'm not.
Juan: that's good.
Me: you?
Juan: somewhat good.
Me: ?
Juan: I'm single.
Wow. I remember I wanted to hear those words that summer when we had that thing.
Now I'm like, "So?"
Me: and?
Juan: and?
Me: yeah and? Your point?
Juan: that I'm single. It didn't work out so we broke up. I like this girl at work though.
Okay that's it I'm done with you...
I stopped texting him and texted instead to Tara for advice.
Just I should simply forgive and forget like the saying goes?
Because every time Juan is mentioned it takes me back to the past all which makes me hate myself for the things I did.
Tara told me it was okay but not to be close friends again.
And she was right I definitely don't want him as a close friend alright.
Just like Emilio and Ana. I may have accepted their friend request in Facebook but it doesn't mean anything. All I did was forgive and forget.
Juan: u there?
Me: yup.
Juan: am I forgiven?
Me: yes.
Juan: why do I feel like you are strange?
Me: it's been a year... What do you want me to be like...
Juan: oh. I understand. Btw I still have your pictures lol
Me: oh.....
Juan: is something wrong?
Everything is wrong. That was what I was afraid of... A year has passed and he still has my pictures and for the hell what?!
Me: delete them.
Juan: what?
Me: could you delete them for me?
I need to sound nice. I don't want to trigger him.
Juan: oh. K.
Me: thanks :)
Juan: you're welcome.
I was mentally gagging at the smiley face I put in the end. I had to fake being nice all because I'm actually afraid.
Juan: thanks for forgiving me
I don't know whether he deleted those pictures or not but I felt a little relief knowing he was okay and not mad. Because you don't know what one is capable of doing when mad.
I told him he was forgiven but I think I may never forgive him for making me feel so dirty. One thing I can do is forget.
And that is what I will do.
Forget my past and forget him.
And about those pictures I may never be able to go back and stop myself from doing it but I can just hope that they are for real deleted. Something that I will live for the rest of my life. Good thing though Damian knew about my secret. He accepted me no matter what and look at us now.
He made me whole again.
A/N: Don't be like Dani :) when a guy tells you to send a pic don't do it. A) it's not worth it B) you need to be respected and C) there's no point in doing it. If someone is going to love you they are going to love you no matter what. Respect yourself just like how you want to be respected. Pictures nowadays are dangerous, fallen in the wrong hands it could be done very badly with. Be safe and live life to the fullest. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise and what to do. It's your body, your face, and you got to love yourself :) leave it to the special one :3