Blake and Austin fill out my discharge paperwork, Zach helping me get ready to leave. "I'll be living here this summer so I'll be able to visit you often." He promises, handing me a bag with my clothes in it. I go into the bathroom and change, staring at myself in the mirror. My eyes had dark circles under them, my cheekbones were prominent and I just lacked color altogether. I leave, looking up at Zach. "Ready?" He asks, smiling down at me softly. I nod, following him from the room. Blake leads the way out, stopping short of the door.
"Um-" He pauses, looking back at me. "Take her out another door, I'll distract the paps." He lets out a sigh, heading out the main doors. I slump, going with Austin and Zach to the front desk to find out where another exit is. We are led down the hall to a side exit meant for workers, making our way to the car. Zach drives over to where Blake was swarmed by paparazzi, unlocking the door so he can get in. He drives us to Blake's house, letting me pack what I need.
"You ready?" Blake peeks his head into my room. I shrug, sitting on my bed. "I don't know." He comes in and sits next to me, wrapping an arm around me. "It's scary, I know, but you're stronger than you think. You've made it this far and you're in some of the hardest years of your life. Yes, you've had some setbacks and struggles, but you've pushed through. This center is just to help you feel more like yourself and find ways to cope better with the struggles. All they want to do is help you." I nod, looking down at my fingers. "I just- I do want the help, I really do, I'm just scared. "What if they are just like my last therapist or what if they judge me? What if the gossip columns catch wind of all of this and completely out me going to rehab?"
"It's okay to be scared, Dylan. This is their job and if they are judging you, let one of us know when we visit and we will talk to someone if you don't want to, or if they aren't a right match for you, ask for someone new. They have so many people there that want to help you. If the news catches wind of this, I'll handle it, I'll work with some people to make sure it gets shut down and we will figure everything out. You don't need to worry." I nod, standing. "Come here." He says, pulling me in for a hug. "You got this, Dyl, you're strong and can get through anything." I nod into his chest, hugging him tightly.
We both head back downstairs to his car, Zach and Austin getting in the backseat. I stare out the window as we drive, the car quiet. "Who all knows?" I ask, looking around at everyone. "Right now, just immediate family. Mom and dad are trying to save the rest of my tour since I just upped and left to come to see you so fuck them for not caring and I will be making sure you live with me when you are out and away from them. I will also be firing them and making sure they cannot contact you while you are here." Blake says, bitterness in his tone. I nod, picking at my nails again. He pulls into a long driveway to the facility, my heart racing more. "Is there anyone you want us to tell?" Austin asks, peeking his head up between the seats. I think for a minute, contemplating whether or not to tell Ashton. "Ashton." He nods, squeezing my arm.
I start biting my nail as we get closer, the building in the distance. "I can't do this, I'm not ready," I say, starting to cry, my stomach in my throat. "Hey, deep breaths. They just want to help you, Dylan. As you said, you want help. It's scary, and that's okay. Deep breaths." Blake says, glancing over at me before looking back at the road. I shake my head, wiping my eyes. Blake parks, looking over at me.
"Deep breath in." He says, waiting. I suck in a breath, holding it. "Now let it out slowly." I do, repeating this a few more times with him. "We will be a phone call away. Give us a call for anything. We will try to visit as much as possible, it'll be okay." He promises, smiling softly. I nod, looking up at the building. It looked nice, not like a hospital, almost more like a nice little resort getaway. Austin gets my suitcases from the trunk, all of us walking in and checking in.
A nurse takes my things, going through them, and removing anything I'm not allowed to have, putting it in a bag for them to take back. We follow him back to where my room would be, two beds in there. "Your roommate is at group therapy right now, she will be back later, but her name is Lilly. I nod, looking around. "I'll let you say your goodbyes and send someone to show you around." I nod again, looking over at my brothers.
I hug Zach first, knowing I'd see him in about a month once he was done with his semester. "You got this, Dylan." He whispers, smoothing down my hair. Austin hugs me next, giving me a tight squeeze and lifting me up. "I'll try to come to see you next week, okay?" He says, letting go. Blake hugs me last, both of us standing there. "I believe in you, kiddo. You'll be okay. I love you." "Love you too." Austin and Zach come back in and hug me and we are standing in a group hug for a while before everyone lets go.
They leave and I sit down on the bed, looking around again. A knock at the door startles me and a lady walks in, giving me a smile. "Are you Dylan?" I nod, standing. "Hi, I'm Dr. Jaime. I'll be your personal therapist while you are here. How are you settling in?" I shrug, not sure what to say. "Would you like a tour?" She asks, holding open the door. I follow her out, looking around at everything. "So, this is the suite wing, this is where everyone stays. You'll meet your roommate later. Over here is the dining pavilion." The hall full of doors ends with large glass doors leading outside to a covered pavilion with a kitchen at the far end, tables lining the area. "We serve breakfast from eight to ten, lunch from eleven to one, and dinner from five to seven. You can come at any time between those hours." I follow her outside to a large greenspace, hammocks, comfy chairs, and benches surround the area, looking really relaxing. "Here is where you can relax, take some time for yourself, journal, listen to music, anything you want."
She leads me back inside through another door, another hall of doors. "This is where our offices are, I am at the end of the hall," she points it out as we pass it, "and this is where group therapy sessions happen." The doors are numbered, a little more spread out. "Questions?" She asks, walking with me back to my room. I shake my head, stopping at the door with her. "Great, well, today we will let you get all settled, and then I was thinking of having your first appointment tomorrow morning at ten." "Okay," I mumble, opening my door. "See you tomorrow." She walks off and I go back into my room and sit on my bed again, not really wanting to unpack quite yet.
»»»»»
I walk into the dining pavilion, glancing through some of the breakfast options before grabbing a banana and taking a seat at a table alone. My roommate had therapy early so I haven't really seen her much yet. I stare down at my banana, not really hungry. I look around, seeing that the pavilion was pretty empty but it was pretty close to ten. I slowly eat the banana, throwing the peel away before heading to Dr. Jaime's office. I knock, Dr. Jaime telling me I can come in. I let myself in, sitting on her couch.
"Hi, Dylan. How was your first night?" She asks, taking a seat across from me. "Okay." I shrug. "Did you meet Lilly?" "Kind of." She nods, smiling. "Lilly has a little more free time today so maybe you guys can get to know each other." I smile quickly, acknowledging what she said but it was gone just as fast.
"Why don't you tell me about yourself?" She offers, crossing her leg over her other. "I'm seventeen, I grew up in New York City, I've never had a good relationship with my parents, my older brothers basically raised me. I've spent most of the last year on tour with my other brother and another band. I have depression, anxiety, and ADHD and I've tried to kill myself twice." She nods, writing it all down. "Were you close with the other band?" I nod, picking at my nails. "I was secretly dating one and another was like an older brother to me. I wasn't as close to the other two but still decently close I guess." "Can you expand on the secretly dating part?" She asks, seeming confused. "My mom didn't want me dating them and vice versa. She wanted to keep me out of the spotlight because, and I quote, I'm a mess and couldn't handle it." Her eyebrows raise at that as she writes, nodding. "We got close and started dating behind my mom's back and it was going well until we got caught. Then I got sent home and spent the last few months alone and in my head. Then Luke announced to the world that we had broken up and that's when the hate started and eventually it got to me." I shrug.
"How long were you guys dating?" "A couple of months." "Please let me know if you don't want to talk about anything, by the way, but did you ever want to tell your mom?" I shake my head, thinking. "She and I, as I said, don't get along. She tries to control my life. I stopped telling her things long ago. She would have shipped me home immediately. She doesn't understand anything. I was happy for the first time in years, I didn't want to lose it."
"How's your relationship with your dad?" I shrug, "He seems like he's scared of my mom and won't really stick up for himself or any of us. He never came to see me after this and I'm sure my mom has something to do with that. We had an okay relationship growing up but not amazing because of my mom." "So your mom seems to be the root of a lot of the issues?" I nod, scoffing. "That's putting it nicely.
"Let's go back to the band, you said one was like a brother?" "Yeah, Ashton really looked out for me when Blake couldn't when we were touring and if Luke and I were having issues, he was the one I went to. He really wanted to make sure I was always okay. He saw me the last time he was in LA for an appearance. It was nice seeing him again." "Does he know what happened?" "I told my brothers they could tell him but I don't know when they were planning on doing that if Blake was going to do it in person, or what the plan was."
"My next question is what exactly are you looking for out of this?" "I guess just a way to cope with hate, I don't think I'll ever really leave the spotlight fully, so finding a way to ignore it I guess. How to cope with depression, anxiety, and ADHD and I guess just how to work with it. I know none of it will really go away completely but just working with it. I don't know the rules for putting me back on medications since I used them to attempt but I'll do anything. I don't want to rely on other people to ensure my happiness, I want to do it myself. My brothers are going to help me distance myself from my mom so she should be less of an issue which should help. Lastly, I just want to stop hating myself. I don't want to keep trying to be a perfectionist, trying to be perfect for everyone."
She nods with a smile, writing it down. "That's really good, you're also already a step ahead of a lot of people, you want this and you seem like you're willing to do the work to get better. That'll make this easier. You know exactly what you want and we can start that process this week." I smile, looking down at my hands.