I awoke to the familiar smell of coffee and the sunlight shining through my window. It felt weird waking up without a headache after a long night out but when I saw my jeans lying there I remembered the five-hundred dollars I had made last night.
And it was actually a much better feeling than a headache.
Then I immediately remembered all of the things that had occurred last night, but most of my memory consisted of Megan and I.
And how she had tried… messing around with me.
She had been so drunk I wouldn’t be surprised if last night didn’t exist to her. One part of me hoped she didn’t remember but the other part hoped she did, and I wasn’t sure why I was so torn. Sure, I had had fantasies about Megan a long time ago, but now thinking about actually living them out…
Well it seemed a bit scary… and wrong.
Besides, she had obviously been super wasted and not in control of what she was doing, even though she claimed otherwise. In other words, I wasn’t sure why I had stopped her, because half the girls I had sex with felt wrong but I still did it anyway.
Maybe it was just because it was Megan.
I decided not to think any more on it as I walked out of my room and to the kitchen, preparing myself mentally to face Megan. I expected her to be sitting at the counter like she was every morning, except Shawn would be here today.
But when I walked out Megan was nowhere to be found.
Shawn smiled, “You’re up earlier than usual.”
I felt a familiar sadness knowing Megan had probably hit the road already, leaving me behind without another word. After last night I should want to avoid her at all costs to evade the weirdness but… I really wanted to see her for some reason.
I answered, “Yea, I smelt the coffee.”
He smiled, “How was last night?”
Once again my thoughts lingered on Megan, but I obviously decided it would be best to leave that out. I nodded, “Awesome, made five-hundred.”
He nodded, “Damn, sounds like a really good night.”
I nodded in response, making my way to the coffee pot and hoping he would randomly being Megan up. I was curious as she where she was but, I just wanted to subconsciously hear that she wasn’t here.
I questioned, “So what are the plans for today?”
He studied me, probably thinking how out of left-field that was considering I usually didn’t do the whole “let’s hang out with the fam” on holidays. He shrugged, “Well, there’s the annual Thanksgiving lunch at Aunt Lisa’s but… I figured you didn’t want to….”
I thought about Megan and our long talk we had the other night and figured maybe I should take her advice on going. Even though her advice on dating Emma had obviously been a misfire, maybe this one would turn out fairly well.
Or so I hoped.
I sighed, “I guess a visit to good ole’ mom and dad is a bit overdue.”
He studied me, as if he was completely caught off guard over what I was saying. He nodded his head involuntarily, as if he was coming to terms with the fact that I would in fact be joining him today at our family gathering.
Oh the joy.
He stood then, shrugging, “Well, better start getting dressed because we’re leaving in an hour.”
~ ~ ~ ~
I glanced at myself in the sun visor mirror, straightening my hair. I was really about to see my parents, whom I haven’t spoken too since I moved out, in about twenty minutes.
Shawn spoke, “You look fine, Sam.”
I sighed, “I know I do, I just… I’m really nervous.”
“I know you are, but I think everyone will be happy to see you. They haven’t seen you in years.”
I groaned, “There was a reason for that.”
He looked at me, stopping at a red light, “Sam, it’s good that you’re doing this, being the bigger person and all.”
I knew what he was referring to, which was the fact that I was growing some balls to confront my parents whenever neither of them had tried since I left. I knew holding a grudge over their heads forever wasn’t healthy, courteous words from Megan. Doing this would be unsettling and painful, but it was something I had to do, it was something I had to face.
No matter how bad I wanted to turn and run the other way.
Thinking about Megan all morning had really gotten to me, and knowing she had left this morning without a single word about last night was driving me crazy. It was actually leading me to believe that she genuinely had no idea what she had done last night.
I had to question Shawn, “So, I’m guessing Megan left early this morning to celebrate Thanksgiving with her family?”
He nodded, turning onto a familiar hometown street, “Yea, her family lives about an hour away so she had to leave a little early to get to her mom’s for lunch.”
I nodded my head in response to Shawn, knowing this already but not being able to hold back from bringing up Megan.
I questioned, “She’s coming back tonight?”
“Yea, after she has dinner with her dad’s side. And speaking off… we could really use your help moving her out tomorrow. She has some stuff in storage and at the house, if you would want to help…?”
As bitter-sweet as the situation was, I knew I couldn’t refuse. Spending time with Megan outside of school was different, but a good different, and tomorrow would probably be the last time I would have a chance to do so.
I also wanted to find out if she remembered anything that happened last night between us.
I agreed, “Sure, I helped her move in, might as well help her leave.”
“What was it like? Living with your teacher?”
It was a weird question coming from Shawn but, I knew better than to reveal anything personal about me and Megan’s situation to him. It would look bad on Megan, and even though he was my brother I just felt weird telling him about anything Megan and I had been through in the past few months.
I sighed, “Weird, but we avoided each other most of the time so… I guess it was okay.”
I didn’t know how well I had lied about this, or how convinced Shawn was over it, but I had tried. As much as I hated lying to Shawn it just felt wrong exposing Megan’s secrets to him, because I knew she hadn’t told him anything about us.
I’m sure she was trying to forget it herself anyway.
I knew she thought kissing and getting involved with me had been a mistake, and I didn’t blame her honestly. I was her student, and on top of that I wasn’t the best person in the world. In fact, I was convinced I was the worst, especially for Megan. I wasn’t anything compared to her, and I knew I had been a big ole’ mistake to her, and she was probably grateful she was moving out.
Megan was genuine and true, and she needed someone who would appreciate that. Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t suggesting that I was thinking about being with her because relationships obviously weren’t my thing, but I had established that our relationship was weird.
Her moving in had just provoked the emotions and tension to come alive and overtake me because the lust between us had obviously been there. We were both attractive, therefore we were both attracted to each other, and we obviously didn’t look at each other like teachers and students should.
It had been dramatically different.
Then we had opportunities to get to know each other. We had gotten to know each other on a scale I hadn’t thought was possible between me and anyone, but Megan had proved me wrong.
And I was kind of glad she had.
But now here I was, confused as to what I was feeling over the entire Megan thing because of everything we had gone through. I knew I cared about Megan, which was a miracle in itself because caring about anyone was something weird and foreign to me. I liked knowing she was okay, and without her at my house every night I wouldn’t know that.
It was actually a bit unsettling.
Then before I could think any more on it I was sitting in the driveway of my Aunt’s familiar house. I looked at Shawn, knowing he knew I was nervous and that this was going to be extremely hard for me. He tapped my back, “Don’t worry, everyone here will be happy to see you.”
I snorted, “Yea, everyone except my own mother. I’m Satan’s spawn, remember?”
He frowned, “Be strong. Everything will be fine.”
We exited the safety of Shawn’s car and started walking towards the front door, making my heart beat harder in my chest. I was nervous, mostly because I hadn’t seen these people in years and I had no idea what their reaction to me being here would be.
I obviously didn’t like not knowing.
In attempt to calm myself down I tugged on my leather jacket, as if it would give me some sort of protection. I was nervous, and the more I walked towards the door with Shawn the louder my heart beat got.
This was it.
Then Shawn opened the door and I followed him in, recognizing everyone here but only looking for my parents. We were greeted by my Aunt Lisa, who was my father’s sister, and her husband, “Shawn! Sam! Oh it’s so good to see you two!”
I honestly had nothing against the rest of my family, but it was probably because none of them knew anything about what I had been through. My dad’s side of the family was pretty broad, considering he had and older sister and brother. My mom was an only child, and her mom had passed away years ago, so there wasn’t much left of her side.
And knowing my parents neither one of them had told anyone about the incident between me and my mom.
I stuck next to Shawn for the most part, and in the midst of walking through the house and telling everyone I hadn’t seen in years “hello” I had snatched me a glass of wine.
Now you know where my dad had gotten his habits from.
I sipped quickly on the wine in my glass as we rounded the corner, feeling scared and nervous and all kinds of emotions. I didn’t know what to expect when I faced my parents, and I didn’t know if they would be happy or disgusted. I was actually pretty scared the more I thought about it, and the more I thought about it the more I just wanted to run for the door.
But when I came face to face with the woman who had shunned me out of her life I knew it was too late to turn around now.
I was too far away to hear her voice but I watched her mouth “Sam” as I watched my father’s eyes turn towards me in an instant. My heart dropped to my stomach as I stayed close to Shawn, as if he would protect me from them. I hadn’t realized how afraid I still was of them, after all this time I still had that trauma following me.
I felt so small all of a sudden.
Shawn spoke softly to me, “Everything’s okay Sam, I’m here.”
As I walked slowly over to my parents I couldn’t help but think about all of the messed up things I had been forced to endure by them. All the verbal abuse, all the alcoholism, all the seldom beatings, and of course the one huge accident between me and my mom. I couldn’t help but think how fucked up my family was, and how none of it had gotten better within the years I had ignored them. It was like I was still their sixteen year old daughter, but looking at me now they knew I was much different.
It was like I had gone back in time to my sixteenth year where everything in my life had gone straight to shit.
Shawn leaned in, giving my dad the weird pat-hug guys always gave each other and then kissed my mom’s cheek, “Mom, dad, so good to see you.”
I didn’t move in to hug either one of them, mostly because I felt like a deer in the headlights. I was nervous, and I felt my face grow red from the sudden attention from my parents that I hadn’t had in years.
My dad spoke first, “Sam, we didn’t know you were coming…”
I figured.
I nodded, knowing I needed to respond, “Yea, uh it was a last minute decision.”
I watched him smile, “Well, I’m glad you decided to come this year.”
It was extremely awkward, obviously, but when I saw my dad move in to hug me I couldn’t help but want to hug him back. I loved my dad, and I missed him more than anything. I missed all the good times we had before I moved out, before he had become an alcoholic, before everything in my family had become a circus.
I really did miss my dad.
I hugged him, feeling his strong arms wrap around me and allowing him to embrace me. I had never felt such a strong sense of relief in my heart before, but it felt so good knowing that he still loved me after everything.
He pulled back, looking at me, “Now tell me, how’s my other baby?”
I smiled, knowing he was referring to my car, “She’s in amazing shape, don’t worry. I take care of her just like you taught me.”
He laughed a little, looking proud and so happy that I was here. The feeling of my dad actually being happy that I was here with him was indescribable.
He hugged me once more, “I’m so happy you’re here.”
I felt something weird in my heart then, as if something inside me that had been broken for the longest time had been repaired. I felt tears in my eyes, but tears of joy, and even though I refused to let them fall I knew my dad was being honest. I had never felt so relieved to hear those five words in my life, and now I knew why Megan had tried convincing me to come today.
She knew I had needed this, and I was so grateful I had listened to her.
~ ~ ~ ~
The Thanksgiving lunch had gone well so far, and even though my mother and I hadn’t spoken much, I knew she was going to give in eventually. I knew it wasn’t because she didn’t want to, it was because she didn’t know what to say, because I didn’t know what to say either.
We had left each other on bad notes, and fixing it wouldn’t come easy, and it probably wouldn’t happen today.
Then as I rounded the corner to walk into the living room where most of the people were gathering to say their goodbyes, I was pulled aside.
I turned, half expecting to see Shawn or maybe even my dad but instead I locked eyes with my mom.
I don’t know why but I felt a sudden pain somewhere deep in my heart, like I was scared and sad at the same time. I had no idea what she was going to do or say, and I was terrified, but I knew that I should prepare myself for the worst possible scenario.
I looked into my mother’s familiar dull brown eyes that seemed to be searching mine for something to say. She looked so worn and so tired, and was that… gray hair? When I left she hadn’t looked so damaged and aged. What had she been through since I left?
She dropped my hand and looked away from me, not moving quickly to say anything. I waited patiently, wondering if I should break the silence. I had a feeling I would have to just to get her to talk to me, so I pondered a bit and then spoke.
“How have you and dad been?”
It felt too intimate just to ask her how she had been, and considering how aged she looked I would guess her answer wouldn’t be good. She exhaled, as if a weight had been lifted, but she still seemed to be struggling with something.
Then she finally spoke, “Sam, I’m sorry.”
Hearing this from my mother was weird, mostly because I had never heard her apologize to me, ever. I didn’t know exactly what she was referring to, but asking her would open a can of worms I didn’t feel like dealing with right now.
I nodded, accepting her very broad apology, “It’s okay.”
She shook her head, “No, nothing’s okay. After everything happened all those years ago, after you left… Sam I just don’t think anything I do will make what I did to you okay.”
I watched her struggle to continue her apology, and my mother was never the one for the fancy words. She had social skill issues, even when it was with her own daughter, who was more of a stranger to her now than she had ever been. Me and my mother had never been really close, and somewhere in the back of my mind I had always wanted to be, but she never allowed me to just be myself with her.
Which eventually caused us to hate each other in the long run.
I decided being the bigger person would be beneficial to both her and I, whether I wanted to or not. I knew she was referring to the major incident that had scarred my body along with my heart, and although putting it behind us was a step forward I knew I would have to live with the scars and memories for the rest of my life.
But so would she.
I took a deep breath, “Mom, it was an accident,” which was something I wasn’t one-hundred percent sure of, but saying it to ease her mind felt like the right thing to do.
She switched her eyes away from me and looked down again, as if she was ashamed to look at me. The sight was actually pretty depressing to watch, considering she was my fragile and aged mother never had looked so embarrassed and ashamed in my nineteen years of knowing her.
“It doesn’t make it better, Sam.”
I sighed, not knowing what else to say over this. We hadn’t spoken in years, and knowing the first thing she said, or tried saying, to me was an apology, it showed a lot more than the normal person would think.
She was trying.
I continued, “All we can do is try and move past it.”
She nodded, leaning against the wall and looking up to me, “I should’ve been more accepting, and if you choose that lifestyle then I’m going to try my best to support you.”
Internally something in me snapped at her comment, it was something that I should’ve seen coming from a mile away. It was a subject I should’ve known to avoid, but I couldn’t because it was something that was extremely sensitive to me.
I shook my head, “Mom, I didn’t choose to be anything, it’s who I am. I was born like this.”
My sexual orientation had come up a number of times before I had moved out of my house, and although my mom had apologized and changed her abusive ways, she was still the close-minded mom I remembered.
She shook her head, “You choose to go down the wrong path, Sam. We didn’t raise you to be like this, we raised you in a church of God. But I’m going to tolerate it because I want to be in your life.”
Tolerate it? Church of God?
I took another deep breath, already knowing exactly where this was going. I shook my head, “You’re right mom, you didn’t raise me to be this way, but like I said, it’s not a choice, it’s who I am. And you won’t have to tolerate anything with me because I’ll just stay away for good, since my lifestyle is a threat to yours.”
I turned on my heels then, finding Shawn quickly and yanking him towards the door. He looked down at me, “Sam, what’s wrong?”
I felt the tears threaten to explode at his question but once again I refused them. I mumbled, “I’m ready to go.”
He seemed to know exactly what was going on, and he knew I had been talking with my mom so he put two and two together. He followed me out the house and I climbed into his car, slamming the door in the process. The rage inside me was overcoming me, and the more I thought about how much I hated the way my mom looked at me the more frustrated I became. It wasn’t fair, and I know I wasn’t wrong for how I lived.
She was such a hypocrite.
Shawn started the car and glanced at me, “Want to tell me what happened?”
I shook my head, “Not right now.”
He started backing, “Okay, whenever you’re ready.”
I rested my head on the window, watching my Aunt’s house disappear as I saw the image of my mom’s shocked and disapproving expression. She was just so close-minded and I couldn’t get a grip on how much she hadn’t change. After years of me being absent you would think she would grow up a little.
But no, she pretty much stuck with her same stubborn ways.
I should’ve known she wouldn’t have changed, it was a lost cause and I felt as if I should simply give up now. I had my dad, he loved me and accepted me, and if he did then maybe I would be okay. There was no use trying to fight it with my mom, there was no changing her mind once it was made.
The drive home was quiet, simply because I had been too angry and too deep in thought to want to talk to Shawn. It wasn’t because I didn’t want him to know, it was the fact that if I spoke about it I would probably break something in the process.
Controlling my anger was a bit challenging.
We pulled up to my house and I exited the car, getting into my own and cranking it up. I needed to be alone to think, I needed time away from everyone and everything to calm down before I hurt myself.
Shawn leaned on my door, “Be back before night, okay?”
I nodded, backing up and heading out onto the road as I lit up a cigarette and put it between my lips. I revved my engine, cranking up Edge of Seventeen by Stevie Nicks as I floored my gas harder, not caring about the speed limit anymore.
I hated what my mom did to me and how she treated me. I didn’t deserve it, and I didn’t deserve to be told that I was choosing to make mistakes whenever I knew they weren’t. I couldn’t help what I liked and what I was attracted to, just like she couldn’t help but be a close-minded cunt.
She should’ve known better than to bring that shit up the first fucking time I saw her again in almost three years.
The haunting melody of Stevie Nicks pushed me into a mood to where I no longer cared anymore. I didn’t care if my speed had nearly hit eighty miles per hour, I didn’t care that I probably had an alcohol level over the limit, I just didn’t care anymore.
Why had I chosen to listen to Megan? Why did I go to my family gathering when I should’ve figured something like this would’ve happened? Why had I listened whenever Megan just seemed to be giving me advice to make me look fucking stupid?
I hadn’t noticed that the road was slicked with fresh rain that had started to come down from the incoming cool front. There weren’t many people on the road anyway considering it was Thanksgiving so worrying about stupid drunk drivers wasn’t a concern.
I probably was the stupid drunk driver.
I knew I should slow down but the faster I went the more I was able to push the nasty and fucked up thoughts to the back of my head.
So I decided to speed on.
I turned up my radio as I sucked on my cigarette further, feeling the burning in my chest cause me to actually cough out loud. I close my eyes in instinct from the hard cough and accidentally jerked my wheel slightly too hard.
And suddenly I was spinning out.
I heard the tires screech as I slammed on my brakes but there was no use, I was treading, and I knew the worst case scenario was flipping my car if I jerked my wheel again. Then suddenly I realized I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt as I hit the nearby ditch, causing my body to jerk forward as I impacted with damp soil.
I felt a slight impact with the side of my head from hitting my steering wheel and then the last thing I thought was that I was going to die.
Then everything went black.