Once again, I'm sat in the chair next to Louis' bed holding his hand while my other held the letter he wrote to me. I've read it over and over again the last 3 days I found it. In fact, I'm reading it right now. I cried over it each time I've read it. So many tears have landed on it that most of the words were smudged, but by now I didn't care because I memorized it word by word. I also found his "Oops" bracelet that he put into the envelope. I wore it next to my "Hi" one and kissed it every morning I woke up. Yes, I know it sounded weird and girly, but when you love somebody you honestly just can't give a fuck anymore.
I gave the boys and Lillian their letters when they came to visit as well. They all sobbed over their letters, and I understood. Everytime they came to visit, they had a sad look in their eyes, and looked like they haven't slept at all. We were all going through so much pain, yet I felt like I was the one going through it more. Any moment now, his heart could stop beating and knowing that makes me want to rip out my hair and curl into a ball on the floor and cry my heart out. Nick wouldn't stop texting or calling me the past few days, but I would never answer. I never actually broke up with him, I just stopped talking to him. I really didn't care about him anymore. He wasn't anything to me to be honest.
I was in the middle of reading my letter for probably the 17th time today with tears on my face when I felt a tickle on my hand that was holding Louis'. I looked at our hands to see his fingers slowly move. My lungs stopped working for a moment. I looked up at Louis' face to see his eyes slowly opening. His eyes weren't sparkling like they did before, instead they were a dull gray blue. I didn't care though, because he was still as beautiful like he always was. His eyes slowly scanned the room until they landed on me.
His eyes widened. He looked down to see our hands together and pulled away quickly which hurt. It hurt like a bitch. He backed up to the other side of the bed and stared at me in the shock. He opened his mouth to say something, but he choked on his words.
"Wa-w-wat-water," his throat sounded dry.
I handed him a glass never taking my eyes off of him. He did the opposite, he looked down the whole time. He made sure not to touch my fingers as he took the glass. He was avoiding me, and it hurt. He downed the whole glass, and licked his lips. He finally looked up at me after a while of long silence, but looked back down again.
"Lou," I whispered.
"Don't call me that," he mumbled.
"Why not? It's your name," I said and reached for his hand, but he flinched and pulled back instantly.
"It's not my name! It's a nickname you gave to me! And I hate it! I hate it! I hate you! Fuck you!" He spat at me.
"You don't mean that Louis," I shook my head.
"I do. You shouldn't have come into my room that day. A few more seconds or minutes I would've been dead. I would've liked it that way."
"Don't you dare say that Louis!" I said.
"Well I did! I'm not taking it back! I was finally going to get what I should've done in a long time! But you had to come in and ruin that! Fuck you Harry fuck you!"
"You really want to do that to me? To all your friends? To your new family? There are people that care about you why can't you fucking see that huh?"
"You don't care about me! You care about your precious Nick! My new family? I don't even count them as my new family! My friends? They'd do better off without me! Everybody would! I'm just a fucking waste of space! Why doesn't anybody understand that?" His voice cracked.
"Because you're not! You're fucking amazing! You're caring, funny, great with children, beautiful, unlike anybody else! You're a fucking angel. You have to learn and accept that."
"Well guess what Harry, I'm not. I'm not what you described. I'm an ugly dumb piece of shit. The world and everybody in it would be better off without me! Everybody fucking hates me. Everything would be better if I didn't exist or live anymore!"
"That's not true! Stop putting yourself down! Do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel so sad that you think that way about yourself. I hate knowing that you do. You're the best person in this fucking universe. Anybody would be lucky to have you in their lives. You'd make their lives better in an instant. If everybody had a pocket sized you, their day would be so much better. You need to stop thinking you don't matter because you do," I was standing up now.
"Who cares?" He laughed bitterly.
"I care. I care about you so much Lou," I grabbed his hand. He flinched, but didn't take it away. I kissed his knuckles slowly and stroke them with my thumb.
"Stop!" He yelled and pulled away his hand.
"What's going on in here?" The nurse burst into the room.
"We're talking. Can you give us a minute please?" I said a bit harsh.
She looked at Louis, and he nodded. She scampered away and closed the door leaving the two of us alone again.
"Stop what?" I asked.
"Stop acting like you care. S-stop making me feel important when I'm not. You're just going to hurt me again," he whimpered.
"No. I won't. I promise baby," I whispered.
"Don't call me pet names! You'll say that now. You'll act like you care, and say that you won't hurt me again, but you don't mean it. Nobody ever does," he was blinking rapidly trying to hold back his tears.
"Well I do mean it. And I do care. I care so fucking much about you. More than you could ever know," I leaned in. My face was really close to his now.
"You're lying," he whispered noticing the closeness between us.
"If I was lying, would I have sat here for 5 or 6 days waiting for you to wake up? If I was lying, would I be crying over the letter you wrote for me and memorized it word for word? If I was lying, would I be wearing the oops bracelet you put in your letter? If I was lying, would I want to kiss you so bad right now? If I was lying, would I love you?" I finished to see him in tears.
"Don't say you love me. You love Nick," he hiccupped.
"No. I don't. I love you."
"Did you break up with him then?" He gave me a small smile which brightened up my heart. I hesitated a bit before answering his question.
"N-no. Not exactly," I told him the truth. His smile went away as quickly as it came.
"Then you don't care. You don't love me," He turned his face away and distanced himself.
"But I do care, you have to believe me. Please," I wiped the tears away from his face with my thumb.
"No you fucking don't! Just go! Get out! I hate you! I never want to fucking see your face again Harry Styles! You broke me, and I hate you for it! Fuck you for letting me live! Just get out!" He screamed and pointed to the door.
"No. I'm not getting out. I'm not leaving until I win you back," I shook my head.
"Well you won't! Get the fuck out of here!" He kept pointing to the door, but I could tell he was still weak since his arm was shaking badly. I put his arm down.
"Stop. Stop wasting your beautiful voice," I said. I closed my eyes and leaned in to kiss him.
***
*Back to Louis' Pov yay*
Harry leaned in to kiss me, and I was going to let him, but I turned my cheek at the last second. His lips grazed my cheek. I choked on my tears and looked back up at him. He was beautiful. I missed him so much, but I couldn't risk getting hurt again. It would just lead to more pain and more heartbreak.
"For the last time Harry, get out," I said coldly.
"I'm not going to," he said stubbornly.
I didn't want him to leave, but it was for the best.
"Nurse! Nurse!" I called out.
Harry looked at me with wide eyes.
"W-what are you doing?" He asked.
I didn't answer him
"Yes Mr. Tomlinson?" The nurse came in right away.
"Harry and I are done talking. Please show him out. Thank you," I nodded at her. She nodded back and took Harry by the arm.
"No! You can't do this!" Harry yelled.
"Sir, he wants to be alone," the nurse said.
"I don't care! Louis please don't do this! Please baby!" He cried out.
"Just go," I said sadly.
The nurse was just about to push him through the door.
"Wait just let me say one more thing! Please?" Harry asked the nurse. She nodded. Harry licked his lips and looked me dead in the eye.
"I know you're hurting now, and I know you don't believe a word I've said to you today, but believe this. Louis William Tomlinson, I love y-" he began.
"Get out! Don't say that to me! I never want to hear those words come out of your mouth again!" I screamed.
He flinched and the nurse shoved him out of the room and closed the door. Once they were gone, I pulled the blanket over my head. I curled up into a ball and sobbed. It didn't matter if he said I love you, or if he didn't say it. Either way, my heart shattered into a million pieces. I made myself lose the love of my entire life forever.
*****
So that's the chapter! For now, the book is gonna go back to Louis' Pov! I hope you all enjoyed Harry's Pov for the last few chapters! Love you guys :D
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