name:- Stay
word count:- 4000 words
published on:- 2nd March, 2019
✿ ✿ ✿
[unedited]
N A N D I N I
Next day passed quickly in college, mostly attending regular lectures until Navya said that they wanted to come to see my new apartment. I was fine with that until I realised they would end up seeing Manik's things as well, we did have to figure a lot of things to hide everything from our friends and now wasn't the exact moment to decide things abruptly. I had to tell Manik so I ended up bunking my lectures to find him in his and I sneaked him out, and then he had acted like a drama queen. Like always.
I had pulled him between one of the shelves of the library, when he had come to take some music instruments and he looked shocked while I stood there proud. Pulling a six feet giant wasn't a very easy job after all, was it?
"Nandini, yeh tum kya kar rahi ho? Koi dekh lega!" His hands covered his broad chest, amusement and fake fear playing in his eyes as I sighed, rolling my eyes at him.
"Manik, tumhe nahi lagta yeh meri line honi chahiye thi?" I pout and he smirked.
"Okay, toh tum bol do," he took a step forward, a teasing smile on his lips as he put his hands on the shelf behind me from either sides, sandwiching me and my eyes widened as I realised how close we stood behind the piles of books.
My heart raced faster and the way his eyes looked into mine were being of no help. "Manik, koi sach mein dekh lega," I whispered in nervousness and he stared at me for a blank second before his smile turned into giggles and he stepped away from me, sighing to himself while I breathed in relief.
"Do you know you're cute," he complimented and I flipped my hair behind, smiling. "But the last I checked, you thought I was a potato face. Cute kahan se ban gayi mein?" I teased, raising an eyebrow and he pretended to think for a while.
"You know, pretending to like you really takes a long part of my day," he made a fake bored expression. "Ab bologi yahan bulaya kyu?" He diverted the topic.
"Right. Navya said that these people wanna come over and see my new apartment," I told And he brought his eyebrows together in confusion. "And so?" He asked. I always knew he was so dumb.
"So, they'd come over and see your stuff and see you and not feel betrayed at all that their best friend has hidden the fact that he has moved out from his mansion and is staying somewhere else, with a roommate, and that too me!" I fake smiled and realisation struck him.
"We'd probably keep the room locked. Tell them it stays locked at all times, and your roommate opens it only when she comes back, which is rare. She stays out at all times" he said and I nodded. "Sounds fine" I agreed.
"Ab should I resume back to my lectures yaa kuch aur bhi karna hai?" His smirk returned back and I immediately nodded negatively, eyes wide.
"Jao na, roka kisne!" I shrugged. "Tumne," he winked but left anyway, disappearing within the different rows between book shelves and I sighed, leaving. The day had been exhausting, and only one lecture was left which I decided to skip, because it was something we all had together— me, Navya, Fab5 And Inaaya since it was music class.
And no matter how much I deny, the fact that Manik skipped lunch made by me to spend time with Inaaya hurt. Not that it meant a lot to me or anything, but it just hurt and I didn't know why. Maybe it was a bubble blast to me, that Manik wasn't how he was just to me, he was like that with everyone. That happy or secret sharing side of him wasn't just for me, it was for everyone. I was no special, and I guess I didn't want to be anymore.
As I walked through the corridor, I bumped into someone familiar.
"Nandini, tum ghar jaa rahi ho?" Aryamman questioned and I gave a weak smile. "Yes, actually I'm not feeling too well. I'm a little tired," I told him and he nodded. "Plus, house party ki preparations bhi karni hai so...."
"Oh. But there is an important announcement going to be made by Professor Raghav right now, maybe about the Fusion Concert. Voh sunke chali jao," he informed and I nodded, agreeing as I walked into the class where out last lecture for the day was going to be held.
I saw Inaaya sitting on the first bench with Manik sitting beside her, on the desk; followed by Cabir and Navya while Mukti was loitering around the class. They all smiled at me as they saw me and I smiled back before my eye caught Manik's. He held it for a brief second before I looked away myself. From the corner of my eyes, I could see him confused but I kept my attention focused to the white board in front where the professor stood.
"So as you all know, this is regarding the Fusion Concert. The Fusion Concert will be held just before Talent Hunt, and is considered as one of its events. A lot of you do play rock music, actually most of you, so I'm here to ask if anyone is interested in playing classical music? Anything like a tabla, or a veena or even a harmonium could do," he announced, his expectant eyes roaming around the class and I clutched my arm tighter.
"Sir," I heard a familiar voice behind me and my eyebrows squeezed as I turned to see Manik raising a hand. The class broke into whispers as how the Manik Malhotra, their college rockstar, just raised his hand for a classical music competition.
"I can't play classical music, but I do know someone who can....," his voice faded and my heart beat faster as his eyes scanned the whole class to find me and then settled on me. The colour of my face faded as everyone's attention was on me now and I shifted in my place, uncomfortable.
"Can you, Nandini?" The professor asked.
"No sir," I lied, without thinking twice. "Manik is just playing around," I accused. The professor nodded in disapproval and I glared at Manik, the hurt feeling written across my face. He held the eyelock, trying to convey things from his eyes but I had enough.
As soon as the professor walked out, I ran behind, and out of the class. "Nandini!" Manik called but I saw Inaaya hold his hand from the corner of my eyes. He did not follow me.
I ran through the corridor and I ran outside until I caught a taxi. My apartment wasn't very far, and I fought my tears as they threatened to fall any moment.
You're stronger than this, Nandini. I whispered to myself.
And I was stronger. But I was just tired and I hated how I cried when I was tired. As I entered my apartment and went directly into the balcony, facing the huge city seen from the rails, I sobbed. This was the exact place I told manik why I could never ever touch classical music again.
I gave him my secret, or confession as he called it, and he used it against me. He knew how much classical music was my weak spot and he hit it right there.
It might not even mean a lot to him. He might have as well told it just casually, but for me, it wasn't. He might think I was overreacting but for me classical music was the part of my past that I had locked away years behind and it often triggered memories that I had caged deep inside me. I was strong to live with my past but I wasn't strong enough to keep facing it again and again. The classical music I loved was removed from my life along with my parents and I never wanted to revisit it. Ever.
I sobbed again closing my eyes as the accident replayed in my mind, triggering me again. I tried removing it out but nothing helped. I needed a distraction and desperately so.
My phone rang in my pocket and I immediately picked it up, without looking at the screen, not caring who it was. I needed a distraction. "Nandini?" It was Abhi. I missed him so much. I hated lying to him, I was such a terrible friend.
"Nandini, tu roh rahi hai?" He asked and I kept a hand on my mouth, covering it to prevent the sobs from reaching him. "Nahi, I just panicked. It was a bad dream" I covered up but I knew he wouldn't buy it.
"It's Manik, isn't it?" He asked immediately. I stayed silent. It wasn't him, it was my anxiety and insecurities.
"I knew it. I knew that four ab man would break your heart!" He accused and I laughed weakly.
"Four ab man is you, idiot. He toh is abless na?" I corrected and he relaxed, listening to my normal voice.
"Right. Abless hai. Matlab tune uske abs dekhe hai? Meine tujhse kaha tha na, no hanky panky" He teased and I smiled, pushing away all negative thought from my mind.
"Haa dekhe hai. Kya kar lega?" I teased back when I heard another noise behind him, probably someone calling him in for a meeting.
"Acha chal I will talk to you later. I need to go. But we have to continue this ab and hanky-panky discussion soon, okay?" He said and I nodded, smiling.
"Take care!" I wished before we cut the call and as I turned behind to get back to the living room, I saw an extremely familiar face, panting and breathless.
"Nandini?" Manik called, slowly. I nodded negatively, ignoring him as I walked out and into the kitchen.
He followed me there as I removed the food from yesterday from the refrigerator, warming it on the gas. I still remember all the efforts I took to especially cook Punjabi food for him when all he had to do is go and eat in a café with his ex girlfriend or whoever she was.
"Nandini, you need to hear me out. Please!" He pleased and I ignored again, putting the heated food back into the dishes.
"Yeh kal ka khaana hai. I had made it for you because we were going to have lunch together. Chahiye toh khaa lena, varna give it to a cow. Or even better, give it to Inaaya. I don't care! You hear that, I don't care!" I said in a calm voice, fake smiling.
"Kal?" He was confused but his eyes widened as realisation struck him. "Oh my god! Nandini shit— I am— I'm so— shit" he went to explain but I showed him my hand.
"I know I know. You're the word that starts with s and ends with y. I know that, Manik," I rolled my eyes at him, moving out of the kitchen as I threw myself on the couch and he sat beside me.
"Yes, I know I'm sexy but—...," he started but stopped when i glared at him. He wasn't supposed to self appreciate, he was here to ask for my forgiveness.
"Okay, first things first. Nandini, I'm really sorry. I swear I didn't remember you were making lunch for both of us orelse I would have never skipped for any other reason" he said with sincerity in his voice and I looked up at him squarely.
"Not even to be with Inaaya?" I asked. He relaxed a little as I had started cooling.
"No, ofcourse not! Inaaya and I go way back but she's just a friend, and a person who held a lot of importance on my life once." He explained.
"Because she was your first girlfriend?" I couldn't help but ask. Jealousy speaks for itself.
"No!" He immediately denied. "I mean yes, she was my first girlfriend but she held a very important place in my life was because she was my friend before that. She was my best friend before I shifted and now that we met years later, we were just catching up yesterday and time went flying by. I swear it wasn't my intention to hurt you, please!" He made a puppy face as he held my hands in his and I nodded, smiling a little.
"But ab kha lein? The food you've made, there's enough for both of us!" He said and I nodded as we both got up and sat on the dining, putting food in our respective plates.
"The food is amazing! Damn, I really feel like kissing your hands," he said as he took the first bite and my eyes widened, frowning. He laughed and I just smiled in return.
"And also, I have to apologise. I shouldn't have said about classical music. It wasn't my place to speak in" he said and I just nodded, concentrating on the food instead, avoiding this conversation.
"You haven't forgiven me, have you?" He said and I stayed silent again, looking at the plate, not daring to look into his eyes and melt again.
"Nandini," his hand reaches out and held my free hand softly. I slowly looked up, an unknown emotion floating in his eyes. "I am sorry, please. I didn't know you will react this way or it will affect you like this. I just wanted you to do things that make you happy. Classical music once made you happy, that's how you've spent your childhood. I just wanted to give you your happiness, your childhood back. I swear, I had no other intentions," he explained and I relaxed a little.
"I'm sorry too, I guess I did overreact. This is just a sensitive spot for me, my weakness. Please don't ever do this again. If I tell you something about my past, know that I'm trusting you with my life. Please don't use it against me, ever," I voiced out my fear in the plainest words.
"I promise you, I never will. Even if you entrust me with your heart, I'll keep it safe with me, always," he said looking into my eyes until he realised what that could actually mean and looked away immediately, and so did I, as we separated our hands and ate lunch quietly.
After lunch, we sat for deciding the menu for He house party at night and settled for catering whatever they wanted for main course and a few dishes for starters with drinks that we both would go for a walk and get in the evening.
It was still afternoon and I settled on reading a book on the couch while Manik went into his room to play games for sometimes on his XBox or whatever these guys call it. As I was reading, my eyelids got heavier and just when I thought I was closing my eyes for a few seconds, I fell asleep.
There was white, everywhere. People were crying and mourning, some eyeing me with sympathy and others with love, some with disapproval and others with intentions. But I just stood there rooted, pressing the barbie in my hand a little tighter, flipping my pony tail to my back. I might be five, but I understood everything very well.
I walked towards my parents, who slept there on the floor, covered with white clothes, next to each other.
"Amms, they're sleeping. Why have you brought them here?" I asked her, looking up. But suddenly, amms disappeared as well. People kept eyeing me, judging me for every move of mine while I just looked for some love and comfort.
"Mamma" I called her, removing the white cloth from her face which was scarred. People gasped, but I kissed her forehead over the wounds. She was my mother. "Are you leaving me?" I asked her, and just got silence in return.
"Mamma, how will I live without you?" I sobbed. "Whom will I go to when I have high fever? Or when I'm not well? Or when I feel afraid of the darkness, who will come to me mamma?" I ask and people stared at me more intently.
"Mamma, no one knows that I feel afraid of the darkness. You told us that it was our little secret because you will always protect me of it. So how will you protect me now? Are you going to disappear in the darkness that way. Will I have to sleep alone every night?" I shout.
"Mamma, whom will I wish Mother's Day to? Who will scold me when I'm naughty? I promise I will not be a bad girl, please come back mamma. I will never trouble you anymore to teach me more classical music. I promise you mamma, please!" I cried. Was I such a bad girl?
"Paapaa!" I turned my attention and removed his white cloth too. His eyes were closed and his face was cold. "Dad, who will get me new dresses? Who will be the first person to wish me on my birthday if you leave me? Who will be my hero paapaa? Please open your eyes na!" I kept my face on his chest, hugging him as tight as I could, so that he gets angry and gets up to scold me.
"Stop tampering the ritual, girl. They're just bodies now" I heard an old lady speak behind me and I turned to face her.
"They're not bodies. They're my parents!" I shouted at her, crying. She smiled and when I turned back to my parents, they weren't there anymore. They were gone.
Everything was white and blank and there was a sudden darkness coming my way. I was left all alone with so many people staring at me with bad eyes and I just sat in the corner. People laughed at me, some touched me arm as if I was a toy, I felt cold and shivered but no one came to my help. I felt all alone.
And suddenly, I saw a familiar face. I was twenty again, sitting in the same corner and Manik appeared. "Nandini!" He called me. I slowly looked up at him, and I felt myself being shaken as the darkness started disappearing and his face in front of me met reality.
I woke up, breathless, panting and sweating, shivering at the same time. I felt suffocated and so much full of air together.
"Nandini, you were shivering" Manik said. I realised I was on the couch and this was just a bad nightmare. He was leaning on the floor next to the couch, with a water bottle in his hand.
It was just thirty minutes since I fell asleep. "Let's get you back to your room?" He asked and I nodded, still lost as I got up and went to my room, with he following me closely. As I sat back on the bed, I couldn't help but see my parents dead faces floating in front of my eyes. This happened sometimes, when I though too much about them.
"Are you fine?" He asked, as he sat in the corner of the bed, looking at me with eyes full of concern. I nodded. He got up to leave but I held his tee in my hand as I pulled him back to my bed, my head crashing against his chest, trying to find to love and warmth I was lacking in my life.
He was taken aback for a brief ten seconds before he put his arms around me, patting my hand gently. "Sssshh, calm down" He whispered. "You're okay, everything's fine. I've got you. The past is over, you're fine. We're okay!" He kept whispering until my breath evened and I relaxed in his arms, finally breaking away.
"Water?" He offered and I nodded negatively although my throat hurt. I could still see the people's eyes from my dream staring at me, looking at me and my moves intently, as if judging me. I hated how people judged others and drew conclusions about them without knowing them, and I had too many people dishing me until it became my fear.
Oh look at the clothes she's wearing? Look how she's so close to a boy. Look how she's playing in the streets instead of studying. Look how she's talking to her grandmother. Look how she's going to another city alone. Look how she's ugly. How her sister's so much better than her. How she's just okay, when she could be so much better. Look how she's behaving. If her mother would have been alive, she would have never been like this.
"Stop!" Manik said and I snapped out of my thoughts, realising how he had noticed I was drowned in my world again.
"Stop blaming yourself for the cruel things that the world has done to you. It was not your fault, nothing was. And still, you're brave that you've fought it all and you will continue to do it because you're a star. My star," He whispered, kissing the crown of my head and I melted in his arms, before he tucked me back into the bed.
"I have a confession," I say, sleepily as I hold my hand in his, and he smiles. "I hate you," I smile cheekily before turning towards the other side, his hand inbetween my hands as I hugged it closely.
I heard him chuckle as he caresses my hair, whispering "sleep," into my ears.
"Stay," I whispered back, smiling with eyes closed. "It's not like you've given me a lot of choice" He whispered back and I could feel him get in the bed beside me, putting the blanket over him as well.
"You want to know my confession?" He asked and that's when I realised he was actually sleeping just behind me, so close to me, with his arms around my body and his hand in between mine, my back facing his chest and both of us on the same bed. This is the closest I have ever been to him.
"I like you too" he whispered causing a tingling sensation in my ear as I relaxed in his arms and fell asleep, feeling his heart beating next to mine.
~I ended up liking you much more than I originally planned to.~