I sat on the couch holding one of the pillows tightly. I had made the mistake of telling Alisa too much about where the cut on my thigh had come from. She said that under the circumstances she wanted to hold an official meeting regarding my health. I knew her reasons, she had several, but I was certain my revelations last night had pushed her over the edge.
"They are ready." Alisa said. I was tempted to take the pillow with me but I knew how foolish I would look. She lead the way back to the same board room our first meeting had been in. I followed on numb legs. I didn't know what they were going to say about me. I was nothing but trouble.
"Sit where ever you'd like." Alisa said. I glanced around the table. There were several seats open since only the Alpha, Beta, and Matthew were seated. I looked at the seat next to the alpha. It seemed the most comfortable but with the information Alisa was going to share I didn't want to be too close. I decided on the seat at the end of the table. Away from everybody except the beta. The beta smiled at me as I sat down.
"Alright," Alisa said as she sat down as well. "This is an official meeting. I wanted to inform all important parties. Rylan as you know this is only necessary because it could become life threatening. I hope you understand." I dropped my eyes to the table and nodded. I could feel everyone looking at me.
"Based on this weeks follow up exams as well as the re-injury last night it appears that Rylan is not healing." Alisa said.
"What do you mean not healing?" Matthew asked. "Hemophilia or autoimmune? What's going on?"
"It is not hemophilia, her blood clots just fine and she seems to go through the first stage of healing but that's it. I am running tests for an autoimmune disease but so far nothing is coming up. I was able to remove the stitches from her arm but it remains on the edge. The healing hasn't progressed." Alisa said. The alpha pinched the bridge of his nose and the beta shoved his hand through his hair. "It gets worse..." Alisa said, "The wound that Rylan reopened yesterday is from at least six months ago. It was not a complex wound. The cut was made with a surgical knife so it should have healed-"
"What?" The beta interrupted, "What do you mean with a surgical knife? Why would someone cut her leg open?"
"Well... It is my understanding that the wound was self-inflicted." Alisa said carefully. "A suicide attempt." There she had said it. The worst of the meeting was over. The room remained deathly silent for several minutes. I didn't dare breathe or look around. I didn't want to know what they thought of me.
"Rylan," Matthew was the first to speak. I glanced at him but kept my head down and my eyes immediately went back to their spot on the table. "the circumstances you went through would put pressure on anyone. We are not here to judge you. Our only concern is ensuring that you know there are other ways of coping."
"What Matthew is trying to ask is, if given the opportunity, there anyway, any chance, that you would harm yourself again?" The alpha spoke up.
I shook my head quickly.
"Please consider your answer very carefully." Matthew said. I shook my head again. I didn't need to consider it. I wouldn't do it. I had no reason too here.
"And if you are faced with having to return to your old pack?" Matthew asked.
I froze.
I raised my eyes to the alphas.
He had promised.
There was no contest.
If I was to be sent back I'd do it right now and I'd be sure not to fail.
The alphas expression shifted to something guarded and unreadable as he shook his head.
"That's not relevant. She isn't going back." He said.
"You can't be certain." Matthew said.
My eyes widened.
"I am certain!" The alpha said.
"Silas, there is always a possibility and that's why we need to know." Alisa said.
"It's not fair of you to use this in an official hearing. I'm not going to question her mental state because of this. What you are asking her is if faced with something worse than death would you rather die. Of course she would. Maybe you don't understand but there are things worse than death. For her this is it." He said. I was shocked and relieved. The alpha some how understood me. He was advocating for me.
"I didn't realize..." Matthew said carefully. "I don't think we fully understand the situation you were in Rylan..." I could feel a question coming. I wasn't sure if I would be able to answer but with the alpha speaking up for me so vehemently I knew I would have to try.
"What do you feel is worth taking your own life?" Matthew asked. I had the white board. I had never said it out loud. I glanced up at the alpha again. He shook his head. No. I didn't have to answer. Maybe he already knew.
"This is bullshit Matthew." The beta said. "These questions are out of line."
"I am trying to understand what pushed her to the point of suicide. Her mental state is absolutely at question and if we have one more out burst from either of you I will have to ask you to leave. You are here as authority figures not advocates." Matthew said.
"She deserves to have advocates!" The beta said. I could tell by his tone their argument was shifting. The anger was there and growing. They were all trying to help and they were making everything seem worse. I looked back at my white board. If they were arguing over the question I could just answer it and end the stupid argument.
"I don't want to be raped again." I wrote. It didn't feel like my hand was the one writing. I almost felt relieved to have finally said it. The table went silent when I set the board down for them to read. The alpha and beta exchanged a glance. They didn't appear surprised but there were other emotions beneath the surface that I couldn't read.
"Forcing a victim to come forward about an assault is grounds for dismissal. This meeting will be taken off the record." The alpha said.
"Absolutely. I'm sorry Rylan I didn't know there was an assault involved." Matthew said.