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I thought I'd look different. I defiantly feel different so, why don't I look it?
It's like when you're approaching a birthday, you're convinced you'll look unrecognisable on the day but when you walk up, you're slightly disappointed. I feel just like that, I had the most rawest, passionate night I could ever describe with Issac and I don't know why I thought I'd look different.
I guess, sex is always a big things especially to girls. I've noticed boys just want it done and out the way so they're one of the lads, well some boys, but with girls, it's a completely different story. We want it planned, perfect, but most the time, it never turns out that way.
I didn't plan it, I just felt it as I was looking into his eyes. It wasn't perfect, but when is a first time ever? We laughed and messed about, fumbling about with nervousness but to me, it was incredible. I really understand now when woman talk about sex, how you feel fire tingle in your thighs and pleasure in every inch of your body. I've never felt anything quiet like it.
I stand in the mirror, poking my cheeks. Do I look more of a woman? Do I now look like someone whose had sex? All I'm looking at is my body covered with issac's shirt, my bare legs and my brown eyes with that green speck staring at me.
I hear a muffle of a groan, indicating Issac is awake. I smile, longing to see him. "Ow!" I clutch the surface. A sharp stabbing pain recurs in my stomach, I frown.
I didn't get much sleep last night, this pain kept walking me up. I lift my leg, experiencing a slight downstairs pain but, I expected that. "Darc? Are you okay?" Issac sits up immediately after seeing my face in discomfort.
"Yes, just a bad tummy pain" I slowly lower myself on the bed. He frowns, looking down at me, "Do you want me to get you anything?" He gently strokes my hair.
"No, could you just stay with me?" My eyes meet his, he smiles. "Of course" He kisses my forehead before lying down next to me.
"So, dare I ask. How was last night, for you?" I stiff a giggle at his nervousness. "It was good" I nod, playing it off. Truth was, It was incredible - I want to do it again, and again, and again. When this stabbing pain goes away.
His face crosses with panic but he soon catches on to what I'm doing, "Oh I see, just good?" He smirks. I shift my gave from the ceiling to his face, just his expression makes me giggle.
"Okay, maybe I lied..a little bit" I place my thumb and my index finger centimetres apart. His smile grows, he's lying on his side, resting on his arm. "Just a little bit?" He makes me laugh.
"Okay, maybe like this?" I separate my fingers a bit more. His laugh rings in my ear. "I reckon you're still lying" He tuts down at me, I bat my eyelashes up at him.
"Okay, I lied, It was amazing" I mumble, "What was that?" His index finger pushes his ear out more. "I said, it was amazing" I say between giggles.
"Nope, still not catching it. Say it again?" His smirk is growing bigger and bigger. "You, were, amazing!" I raise my voice in his ear. "Okay, okay, I get the message" He winks at me, I squat him.
"You were pretty amazing to" He lowers to kiss me, "No one is good on there first time" I shake my head. "And, who told you that?" His eyebrows are raised.
"No one, It's just a fact" I shrug. "Well you're wrong. I didn't expect it to be nearly as good as it was. I thought we'd mess the whole thing up" He shakes his head, I giggle.
"You have an advantage, you knew what you were doing, I didn't" I try slowly move my body round on it's side, but the pain seems to get harsher. I wince in pain.
"Are you kidding?" His eyebrows hit the roof. He helps me get my body comfortable on its side but the pain is just as bad. "I thought I knew what I was doing until well, I saw you and then my mind went blank and I went into a fumbling mess" He laughs nervously.
I stare at him in awh, every time I think I can't fall more in love with him, he proves me wrong. "I love you" I kiss his cheek.
He smiles, " I love you too"
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When we finally manage to get downstairs everyone is preparing for tonight. I smile with excitement.
Today is New Years Eve so all the decorations are going up. I'm never excited for New Year, every year I've stayed at home whilst everyone has gone out. Always went to bed early and never made any resolutions.
This year is different. I sneak off to my new favourite place, the roof. I notice there's a chair here now, meaning someone else also likes to be up here as well.
I sit down in the deckchair, the roof is pretty run down. There was once a pool up here, that's covered up now and a little bar, but that's closed. I think they had to shut it down for health and safety reasons.
It's really a shame, it's so beautiful up here, the view is incredible.
I start with my list of appreciations like I've been doing for the last few days. It's amazing how it works. "I see I have a visitor today" A deep voice makes me jump.
I turn around to see the life guard. "Oh I-I'm sorry" I jump to my feet, embarrassment oozing from me. "It's okay darlin, you can stay" His smile is warm and friendly.
His eyes sparkle, just like they did the other day at the bar. "I like to come here on my breaks. Clear my head" He sits on the floor next to me, lighting up a cigarette. He offers me one but I decline sitting back down.
"I used to love it up here when the pool was open" He smiles into the distance, his eyes in memory.
"I like it up here too, it helps me" I mumble quietly. "I know what you mean" He meets my eyes. His gaze is so strong, it's like he understands completely without me having to say anything.
"You look just like your father" He breaks the eye contact with a chuckle, "Same eyes and everything" He smiles.
I blush, saying I look like my dad is always something I love to here. It always makes me feel connected to him, like he'll always be a part of me. "So tell me, what is a beautiful young girl doing up here? What's on your mind?" The ora around this man is so comforting.
"Your mind can be a dangerous place, everyday since I've been here I've come to do my little exercises to help me" I smile, thinking of Louise. His curly hair shines in the sun as he takes a drag. "What kind of exercises?"
"Breathing ones, speaking ones. Thing's that help with my anxiety" I smile. He nods, understanding. "You're right, the mind is the most vicious place you can be sometimes" He frowns. "Life isn't nice sometimes, isn't fair" He flicks his cigarette away.
"I saw you the other day, your boyfriend looked rather panicked. He said you fainted" His tanned arms rest on his knees. His red uniform bright in the sun. "I had a panic attack" I shrug.
"Someone gave me some great advice once" He nods, "He said whenever you feel anxious, don't panic" He must see the confusion on my face because he carries on. "What I mean is, don't fight it. It makes it a hundred times worse. Just say to yourself 'I'm feeling anxious right now, but it's okay' and it will fade away" He nods.
"Does that really work?" I raise my eyebrows. It surely can't be that simple? "Yes. My councillor told me to visualize my fear inside my body. Told me to give it a shape and colour, then just sit and watch it happen" He sounds confident with his advice.
I nod. We sit back in silence, watching the view in front of us.
I spend the day in the hotel, colouring and playing dolls with Adelaide. Dad is really pleased we're bonding and so am I.
I can't believe I was so quick to hate this little girl for something she can't help.
Soon I'm off upstairs getting ready with Issac for tonight. We've planned to stay at the hotel with everyone else and have some fun, I'm really looking forward to it.
"Every time that I'm convinced you can't get anymore beautiful, you prove me wrong" Issac voice is so soft and dreamy. I giggle, the butterflies in my stomach are preventing me from stringing a sentence together.
"You're so cute" He wraps his arms around me. "Stop complementing me" I cover my face with my hands, my cheeks flushing red.
He chuckles and kisses my forehead. "C'mon, we best get downstairs" He smiles. I nod.
Everyone is downstairs and the hotel is decorated beautifully. Banners hang on the walls and the ceiling can't be seen from all the balloons there. "Wow" I gasp.
"Darcy" Adelaide runs over to me, her arms wide open. I smile, swooping her up in my arms and spinning her around. "Is everyone excited?" I walk towards the group.
"Indeed, can't wait for the party to start" Cindy smiles, holding her drink in the air. "Same" Karen says, holding up her orange juice. We all laugh.
The entertainment is good, good enough for me to not notice how fast time is going. Not long till midnight now. "Tired?" Dad chuckles when I exit the dancefloor. "Just a bit" I pant, sitting down next to him at our table.
Everyone else is on the dance floor. "You've a real keeper there" Dad smiles towards Issac, whose dancing with Adelaide. "He really loves you" His eyes glimmer with a quick cross of sadness.
"I know, I love him too" I smile also towards him. "Young love is so, wild" I can almost see him playing memories in his head. "What was yours and mom's love like?" My eyes leave Issac and Adelaide.
"Passionate" He answers. He doesn't look uncomfortable or phased by the question. "It was so intense and deep" His eyes travel over to mom, whose dancing with Ezra.
"She loves those boys, I can remember the day she fell pregnant" He smiles, his voice sounds like he's talking from a dream. "I always feel bad for separating her from her father" He frowns.
"That wasn't your fault" I frown. My dad has always been an open guy but I've never really heard him talk about this stuff.
"I really loved your mom but, unfortunately I fell out of love and I did the worst thing imaginable. I left the four most important people in my life because I was a coward" His eyes are transfixed on everyone.
"I was pretty heartbroken when you left. I have been for years" I look away, staring at the floor. "It damaged me, I was so confused" I almost whisper.
"I'm sorry Darc. I know that doesn't cut it but, I hate what I did, I hate how what I did caused you to feel like that" His eyes now look at me, his green speck sparkling at me. "I really wish I could turn back time" His eyes look sad and heartbroken.
"For years I've been so angry with you, furious but I never stopped loving you. That's what hurt the most, knowing someone I loved left me. But I'm finally starting to forgive" My words come out like they've been rehearsed. "You leaving me caused me to hit rock bottom, the lowest I've ever been. I've spent most of my teenage years not wanting to be alive but in a way, I'm starting to appreciate that now...because, if I hadn't of felt that way, I wouldn't be who I am today" The words flow out my mouth like they've been hiding, but waiting to come out.
If I hadn't of experienced what dad had put me through I wouldn't be who I am today. Feeling what I felt has taught me pain and I'm now stronger then I've ever been.
On this trip I've realised a lot, being away from my normal routine has made me realise. I'm not unloved, I'm not unwanted, I'm not a disappointment, I'm Darcy Winters. I have people who love and care for me, people who want me. My dad left me when I was seven but he came back and I've seen how sorry he is. I don't forgive him and I'm still hurt that he left but I'm working on that.
I won't let this effect me anymore, I refuse. I need to start living my life, finding self love and happiness and this holiday has been a great start. I've come to see that Cindy is a lovely person, she's so caring and she loves my dad. Adelaide is the sweetest little girl to exist and my dad is still the dad I remember all those years ago.
Louise's advice to say what I appreciate has really helped, more then I imagined because I've come to realise what I have. "I appreciate you, dad" My eyes meet his, "I'm sorry if I've been cold towards you since your return I've just been angry and upset but I'm working through that and I'll get there. I love you dad" For the first time I think, ever, I watch my dad's eyes fill with tears.
"I love you too Darcy. I'm so proud of who you're becoming" He smiles, taking my hand.
I squeeze his hand, give him a hug, then return back to the dance floor. "Darcyy, what were you and dad talking about?" Joseph's heavy arm hangs around my shoulders.
"I was telling him that I'm slowly working on forgiving him for leaving and that I love him" I nod confidently. Joseph's eyes cross to sadness. "In that case I want to apologise for being so horrible to you over the years, you didn't deserve that and I hope you can try forgive me too" His smile is also sad.
"Thank you" I feel like crying, an apology of Joseph means a lot, "I understand your reason behind why you did it but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt but, you're my brother and life is to short to be angry at family" I hug him, he hugs me tightly back.
"I love you Darc" He whispers into my hair.
I've quickly discovered tonight is full of love. I don't know if that's because of the alcohol or the fact that its New Years Eve. I want to tell everyone who I love that I love them, especially Ellie. She's all on her own and I wish desperately that she was here because she would love it.
Some people don't get why I'm back friends with Ellie but I don't care, she needs someone more then ever and I want to be there for her all the way. She needs a friend and despite what she's done I want to be there, this is a big deal, she's having a baby. She's terrified and the father wants nothing to do with her, or the baby.
I want to start this new year fresh, no more emotional break downs, no more self hate and more self love. And the first thing to do is make a fresh start with people who I've had differences with. "I love you too"
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The advice Darcy was given was from Zoella's book called 'Girl Online' I didn't want to steal it without giving credit I just thought it was a great piece of advice, I'm going to use it myself.
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