warning: tear jerker for those who are faint of hearts or just generally emotional like me
There is nothing worse than falling sick when you are about to perform.
Even worse when you have a weak immune system.
But on top of that, Sunmi got seriously sick due to anxiety, dieting and stress. Between promoting with 127, having her performances with Dream, and being made to go on a diet because she was 'gaining weight', everything took a huge toll on her.
She hid it well. Not giving off any signal that she was eating way less than normal or that she was feeling super nauseous.
They had a show to perform. She was not gonna mess this up for everyone.
The group traveled to Osaka for an SMTown Show with all of the other SM artists.
Everything was going well. She was able to perform with Dream without fail, despite the ringing in her ears and the lack of oxygen in her lungs.
She was able to perform well with the rest of the unit okay. But it wasn't until after performing Black On Black was where the real problem began.
As anyone would know, Black On Black took a lot of hard and fast movements. It was a hard dance to learn and an even harder dance to perform perfectly.
Sunmi, in the back of her mind, should have told their manager that she was feeling sick. She should have told someone that she was feeling that way but her stupid pride and fear prevented her from doing so.
She felt like if she sat one out, she would be letting down the fans, the boys and everyone that was watching.
And her pride didn't allow her to do that.
So instead, she tried to regain herself in the bathroom until someone knocked on the door, signaling her that it was time to go on stage.
"Sunmi-ah!" She recognized that voice to be Taemin from Shinee. "Everyones looking for you! It's almost time!"
Sunmi, who had been hyperventilating as she leaned against the sink, lifted her head to look at herself in the mirror. Her skin looked visibly paler, her eyes seemed sunken in and she looked like she had been running for miles.
She couldn't go out like that. She had to make an appearance. She was one of the visuals of the group, for God sakes! And she's looking like this?!
Sunmi quickly straightened her hair and wiped the seeat from her face with paper towels, ignoring the migraine drilling in her head.
"C-Coming!" She yelled back as if nothing was wrong.
•━━━ ✽ • ✽ ━━━•
Taemin was gonna knock again but the door swung open so fast, it almost made his head spin.
Sunmi smiled up at him. "Thank you for warning me," she said happily.
Taemin smiled back but noticed a lot about her. Her body was worryingly skinny. In fact, she seemed to be getting skinnier as the day goes by.
Her skin was pale, she looked a little disheveled.
That worried him. What was she doing to herself?
"Are you okay, Sunmi?" He asked, ignoring her previous statement.
Sunmi laughed a little, masking her pain. "I'm fine, oppa. Why do you ask?"
Taemin stared at her with worried eyes. He was very good at telling if people were lying to him. And right now, he could clearly see she was lying.
But before he could call her out on it, one of the stagehands yelled out for her to regroup with NCT.
"I gotta go, I'll see you after!" She said, running off.
Taemin could do nothing but watch her walk off. There was something un him that told him to tell her manager. Tell Taeyong, tell someone!
But he didn't want to be wrong. Maybe he was overthinking this. Maybe she is fine.
But that thought in the back of his mind just urged him to say something to someone.
•━━━ ✽ • ✽ ━━━•
After the performance, the group bowed and waved to the audience as they all began to leave.
Sunmi did it. She didn't let anyone down.
Even if it meant that she was sicker than she already was. She could sleep at night knowing she made people smile.
"We did great out there!" Ten said happily, throwing his arm around Mark's shoulders.
"After the concert, can we all go out to eat?" Jaemin asked Taeyong, while he was too busy getting his hair fixed.
"We have to ask the manager, Nana."
"Noona, aren't you happy we did great?" Jisung asked, noticing how quiet she was being.
Usually, Sunmi was just as hyper as the boys were after a performance but she was very quiet.
Sunmi couldn't answer him. She felt super dizzy, her vision was blurry, her head felt like it was gonna explode.
She felt like vomiting but it wouldn't come out.
She felt like her legs just shut down on her. Grabbing on to the nearest thing, which happened to be Jungwoo's arm, she tried not to fall.
"Sunmi?" Taeyong said, looking at her. "Sunmi!"
Him yelling her name was the last thing she heard before everything went black.
She fainted, hitting the back of her head on the ground, completely out.
"Oh my god!" Taeyong yelled, running over to her. On high alert.
The boys all ran towards him as he picked up her limp body, holding her close.
"Hyung, is she okay?" Jisung asked, fear shaking through his entire body.
"She's gonna be fine, okay?" He tried to reassure him calmly but he was too scared to believe his own words.
"We need help!" Johnny yelled at the staff, "Please some get help!"
"Here, lay her on here." Lucas said, quickly giving him his hoodie.
"Sunmi-ah...Sunmi, can you hear me?" Taeyong tried to get her to open her eyes while placing her on the folded up hoodie.
He felt her forehead. She was heated up like she had been next to a fireplace.
The rest of the group was no better than Taeyong emotionally and mentally.
By then, Jungwoo, who was nearest to her, had started crying. Feeling like it was his fault somehow, he kept biting his fingers while trying not to sob out.
In a nervous tick, Mark kept rubbing his arm as he watched SM staff and medics try to resuscitate her.
Doyoung states by her side, helping as best as he could. But even he was having trouble keeping a level head.
Lucas was just....in shock. He couldn't say anything. He couldn't do anything.
Johnny and Ten tried to calm down the others. Yuta openly cried, Winwin tried comforting both Haechan and Jaemin by hugging them, who had been frantic the whole time.
Jeno paced back an forward, everytime he did, he would run his fingers through his hair. Just mumbling to himself.
Taeil, Jaehyun, and Kun could only try and remain calm while comforting everyone else.
Jisung and Chenle both were silently crying as they watched their noonas mouth being covered in a breathing mask.
To say that their night went from good to bad was an understatement.
But the same question ran through their minds.
What happened?
Sunmi had always been a mood maker. A happy pill. She had always been full of light, healthy and happy.
What caused this?
"She's gonna be okay." One of the medics reassured the frantic group.
By then, not like they noticed but, more and more SM Artist started gathering after hearing what happened.
"She's breathing fine now." He said. "But this was caused due to extreme weight loss, stress and anxiety. Which caused her to get very sick."
Anxiety? Stress? Sick?
When was this? Why didn't any of them see this coming?
This only made Taeyong blame himself even more. He did notice that she was way skinnier than usual but he didn't know she was dealing with anxiety or that she was sick.
He should've been a better leader and seen all of this happening.
In his mind, it was all his fault.
"I would recommend she stays in the back for the remainder of this show." The medic said. "She's too weak to even stand up right now. She goes out there again, she's definently gonna need a hospital."
"Thank you." Taeyong mumbled as they carried her off to a place where she could rest.
•━━━ ✽ • ✽ ━━━•
"I'm sorry this happened." Taemin said to Taeyong.
After Sunmi got carried off to a dressing room, tension between the group members were high. Everyone was too worried about Sunmi.
Taemin felt like he should talk to Taeyong. Seeing as how distraught he was over everything.
The final encore was coming up after EXO performed. But all Taeyong could think about was his little girl.
"Thank you, hyung." He mumbled, nibbling his finger. "We gotta go back on stage soon and....how am I face everyone knowing that Sunmi is back here, needing someone?"
Taemin sighed. What he was feeling was very reasonable.
Fainting within the Idol community happened way too often. Either they are over worked or sustaining injuries or sickness. They felt like they need to push past in order to not let anyone down.
Often times, its the company that is making them go under ridiculous diets and then overworking them to a point where they feel like they have to push themseleves, even at the cost of their health.
Which was Sunmi's case now.
She had alway had a smile on her face. She was everyones reassurance and friend.
No one knew she was going through this. But then again....did anyone expect someone like Sunmi to tell them this?
She was always the one who would be there for people when they have a problem.
She didn't want anyone to know about her problems.
"I just....I just wish I saw this happening." Taeyong admitted shakingly, feeling tears fall down his face. "If I was a better leader, maybe I could've-"
"Stop that." Taemin said sternly. "You are a great leader, Taeyong....none of this was your fault. Stop putting yourself down, okay? Don't put this on your shoulders. You are one of the best leaders SM has. The way you calmly handled this shows that you are a perfect leader. So don't do that to yourself."
•━━━ ✽ • ✽ ━━━•
The next time Sunmi woke up, she was in the hotel room she had.
She slowly rose up, feeling light headed, wondering what happened.
Suddenly starting to cough up a storm, she reached over to the glass of water that was on the night stand.
What happened? How did I get here?
She remembered a really bad migraine and then Taeyongs voice but the rest was...blank.
Then she remembered, they had the second night of performances tonight and judging by the time, she was late for sound check.
"Oh no! I gotta get to-"
"What are you doing?"
Sunmi jumped, turning. To see Taeyong entering the room with a tray of food. Which he must have gotten from the hotel cafeteria.
"We have to get to soundcheck, Taeyong!" She said frantically.
She started getting up but Taeyong swiftly placed the tray down and pushed her back on the bed.
"You're not going anywhere, Sunmi." He said sternly. "You are as sick as a dog and you fainted last night. You have to recover."
"I can't just sit around and do nothing when the others are doing my parts for me." She argued, trying to get back up but he kept holding her down.
"Taeyong, let me go!"
"No, you are staying in bed and that's final, Sunmi!"
"No, I can perform, let me go!" She yelled, trying to get out of his hold. "Oppa, let me go! I can't let them down!"
"If you don't get better, you're letting them down!" Taeyong yelled at her.
Which was a first for the both of them. Taeyong never raised his voice at anyone, especially at her. Sunmi has never been yelled at before.
And it hurt to have him, of all people, yell at ber harshly. But it hurt even more to see the hurt in his eyes.
"Sunmi, if you don't get better....you're hurting the fans, the boys.... you're especially hurting me." He said softly, tears falling out of his eyes.
The longer Sunmi stared into his eyes, the more tears started to spill out of her own.
Because of her pride and recklessness, she caused this. She could only imagine how the others must feel about this.
And that thought made her cry out uncontrollably.
"I-I'm sorry, oppa." She sobbed out as Taeyong pulled her head onto his chest, letting her release her emotions.
And as she audibly cried, holding onto him, he rocked back and forward.
Petting her hair, planting a kiss on her head and just holding her close. Because that's what she needs right now.
Someone to show her that she is loved and that she is good enough.
"I love you too much to see you hurt yourself, Sunmi." He whispered, holding her tighter.
"You are good enough, okay?.....you are good enough."
Taeyong was not only a great leader but he also was a great big brother to Sunmi.
─ a u t h o r s n o t e
wow....I'm still crying lol
But in all seriousness, anxiety is something that I have been dealing with since I was 12 and let me tell you, it can fucking suck sometimes.
I don't have as much anxiety attacks as i did 5 years ago but it's still there.
I just want you all to know that you're not alone. You need someone to talk to you or to listen, my inbox is always open.
You need advice or anything at all, don't hesitate to come to me and I will try my best to help.
Remember you are good enough. Don't let anyone tell you different.
Love you.