Despite having to work, and Harry's absence, the trip to L.A. had been one of the best in my life. Probably because for once I got to experience a whole new country with someone I love. That was also why Harry's words hurt much more than they should. I should have expected this. I should have seen it coming, yet nothing I had ever felt before hurt as much as the words leaving his mouth. If he had taken a bullet to my heart, I'm not sure I would have felt it, that's how much it hurt. Perhaps, I was lucky not to have experienced this sooner in my 24-year-old life. But I wasn't sure I'd ever want to love someone again if it meant that they could make me feel this bad, this worthless.
"Say something," he says. I can hear he is begging. I can hear it in the way the words break at the end. His voice is cracking, and I'm uncertain why he's so upset. This is supposed to be one of the best moments in his life. Yet, he does not seem thrilled, and the silence I'm giving him seems to be killing him.
"What do you want me to say, Harry? Congratulations?" I ask starring him in the eyes feeling the tears press on. I gulp hard shaking my head at him. "Congratulations," I say trying to sound cheerful, although I'm breaking on the inside, and for selfish reasons I don't feel happy for him.
"That wasn't what I meant," he says. "But I don't like you ignoring me," he confesses. His hands are tucked away in his pockets and he's staring at the floor looking like a child who's done something wrong.
"You want to know how I feel? Huh? You want to know how I feel?" I ask with a raised voice. "I feel disgusted. You are disgusting!" I exclaim taken us both aback with my choice of words. He looks at me as if I've just taken a bullet to his heart. But at least then he knows what it feels like to be stepped on and pushed underneath the rug like dirt. If only he knew exactly how I'm feeling right now. I am truth be told disgusted by his actions, especially considering we've just been on a trip together and the fact that he has expressed his love for me. If he really loved me so much we wouldn't be in this situation.
"Lee-"
"Don't fucking call me that!" I exclaim startling him once more. "You disgust me, Harry. I told you so many times that this was a bad idea. I told you this needed to end, but you - you wouldn't let me go. And now you do this! Do you even care about me at all."
"Of course I care! It's not like I planned any of this."
"Right. But I was just part of a game, and sadly I'm the one losing."
"It's not like there's any winners in this!" He cries.
"Isn't there?" I ask with raised eyebrows. Tears cascade down my cheeks. "So you just knock up a girl without even wanting a child with her?"
"You're making it sound like she's just a random girl."
"Right, my bad. Your fiancée! How could I've been so stupid as to make myself think I meant more to you than her? Oh that's right, because you told me I did, and you made me feel like she was nothing to you." My heart bangs against my ribcage while my body shakes. If I didn't know better I'd expect my heart to explode any second. I wasn't aware that someone could feel so many mixed emotions at once. I was furious, hurt, sad and still so desperately in love with him despite the fact that he had been sleeping with Kaia all this time while we were together. "The fact that she's your fiancée doesn't change anything, Harry. Because if you loved Kaia you wouldn't have cheated on her with me, and if you loved me you wouldn't sleep with her too."
"How naive are you? Do you really think I wouldn't sleep with her just because I was spending time with you?" He asks, and I feel my heart breaking even further. It feels like he has just punched me in the stomach once more and enjoyed himself while doing so. Has all this really just been a game to him? It sounds like he doesn't care at all. And I'd been naive enough to believe the pill was enough, because he had gone to the doctor to have himself checked for any STD's, how foolish I feel now knowing he's been sleeping with more than one person this entire time. I should really be more careful. "Sorry, that came out wrong," he apologises. But it's too late, I've already taken the punch, and there's no way he can take it back.
"No, Harry. I understand exactly what you're saying. I was never enough for you. Never good enough for your perfect world. I really hope the two of you will be happy. Oh wait a second, the three of you," I cry trying to sound confident, but at the last word my voice cracks making it sound more like a heart-cringing noise than an actual word. I can't believe I'm actually saying these words. Harry is going to be a father, and sadly I'm not the mother. Although, we haven't ever discussed children I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been thinking of children with him imagining a future where we could be together and his parents would accept me for me.
"Lee don't do this. You know it's not like that."
"Do I? You've just been pushing me around for months for your own pleasure bringing me on your stupid trip to L.A. only to make me fall even harder for you, and then you break the news to me that Kaia is pregnant. It's not right, Harry."
"I know it's not," he says wanting to grab my hand but I pull away from him not wanting his touch. I don't want anything to do with him. "But I only just found out. It's not like I knew before going to L.A.," he says as if that changes anything. He's still breaking my heart, and he's doing it so effortlessly. It's like no matter the words that escapes his lips my heart breaks a little more.
"Don't touch me. You know, I'm actually not sure what's worse, the fact that you've been sleeping with her while sleeping with me and the fact that she's carrying your child, or that you're making me feel like a piece of shit by calling me naive as if our time together didn't mean anything to you."
"Of course it did," he looks desperately at me. His eyes are glossy like I've never seen them before, and it hurts to see him this way. But it can't even compare to how he's making me feel by his words. It's scary how much power a few words can actually have.
"Did it?" I ask meeting his wet eyes with my own. I can't stop the tears from falling down my cheeks.
"Yes, I love you, Leah. I really do, and it crushes me to see you hurt. I didn't ever meant to hurt you like this."
I huff as I let his words sink in. It sounds like a bad joke, because I told him over and over again that I would end up hurt, but still he kept pulling me back into his web, and I let him desperate and lonely wanting to feel loved. "But you knew this would happen, You knew we couldn't stay like this forever because you're too afraid to stand up to your parents and tell them what it is you really want." The air between us have grown cold, and although a small part of me wants to feel his arms wrapped around me, the rest of me don't ever want to see him again. If he really loved me wouldn't he have cut it off with Kaia? Or am I really naive for hoping something more could ever have happened between us? "You know I really hate you for letting me fall in love with you," I say noticing his mouth falls open as he stares at me in disbelief.
"But I fell in love with you too," he says, and I watch as new tears fall down his cheeks.
"That doesn't make it any better, Harry. All it has done is leave us both miserable and hurt, although, the news of your child should be the happiest time of your life. You should be happy."
"How can I be happy when I'm losing the best thing that has ever happened to me?" He asks, and I'm not sure whether or not he's expecting an answer, but I don't have any answers for him, and his words make me do something irrational. Because as bad as it may sound his words actually mean something to me. I walk over and plant a kiss on his lips only to feel his touch one last time. I can tell he's kissing me back, but he doesn't use his hands to touch me, yet it's like his lips are desperately trying to hold on to mine as if not wanting to let me go.
I pull away staring at the floor at first. "You know it didn't have to be this way," I say walking away before turning around to look at him. "But it's too late now, you have your life, and I have mine and from now on we won't be seeing each other."
"What about work?" He asks in confusion sniffing as if trying to fight back more tears. Did he honestly think that I would continue to work for him and that we would continue what we had? And he's calling me naive.
"I'm not going to come to the office any more. I'll be working from home until you find someone else if you need me to, but as far as I know every physical contact is over between us. and you need to find someone else working for you because I quit. I find it best if we never see each other again," I say although saying the words out loud makes it all the more real, and I really don't know if I'm emotionally ready to let him go. Then again, I'm not sure I'm able to be close to him knowing for sure he's never going to be mine and that he has a family of his own that doesn't include me.
"Hey girl what's up?" Bonnie sounds cheerful, and it breaks my heart to hear someone this happy when I'm feeling so bad myself.
"C-can you come over?" I cry into the phone.
"OMG are you okay? What happened?"
"Just come, please," I beg. I really don't want to be alone right now. Because sadly everything reminds me of Harry. Sitting on my couch I remember how sweet he was when I was sick and he brought me soup. God that feels like ages ago right now.
"Okay, I'm getting off work now. Hope to be there in 15," she says and hangs up leaving me alone in my own silence. I'd considered calling Maddie, but I'm beginning to wonder if I even told her about Harry. It's been ages since I've last seen her, and I can't help but wonder why I haven't told her about work or Harry.
You didn't think she deserved to know.
The voice in my head seems awfully loud, maybe because everything else is silent. But for reasons I can't explain I know it's right. Perhaps I didn't call her to tell her about Harry because she never calls me to tell me what's happening in her life. And perhaps because I feel like we're only ever spending time when it fits her. As I come to think of it, we haven't actually seen each other since the morning after I met Hugh. I had totally forgotten about him, and with good reason. What a douche. But coming to think of it, Harry isn't much better after all. But at least he was more direct in what he wanted from me. I guess as we've grow older I have come to realise that Maddie and I have less and less in common. It saddens me that I'm not even interested in letting her know how I'm feeling. I guess that's part of what it means to grow up.
The sound of the door is what brings me out of my thoughts, and I let Bonnie inside the building and take a look at myself in the mirror. My mascara has formed dark pools underneath my eyes and I look a mess.
I hear knocking and open the door wanting to greet Bonnie, but I stare at her helplessly as if screaming help me at the top of my lungs. But I don't say anything, and she doesn't need me to, to know I need a cuddle. For a moment we just stand wrapped up in each other's arms while silent tears fall down my cheeks.
"It's okay, I'm here. Whatever you need, I'm here. It's okay to let it all out," she says, not even knowing what's happening to me, but perhaps she has a good guess. I knew Harry would hurt me, I just never thought he would hurt me like this, and the fact that he's starting a family with Kaia while seeing me is beyond anything I had imagined. I wonder how his parents are going to take the news.
I pull back and take a look at her, crying. She takes my hand, gives it a squeeze and closes the door behind us. She leads me to the sofa, and we both sit down. "It's okay if you don't want to talk about it," she says.
"I just - I don't know if I'll ever be happy again. How can you hurt someone so badly? How can you tell someone you love them and then just step all over them like dirt." Suddenly I have a kind of deja vu. I feel like I'm 18 again and Matt has just broken up with me. He too confessed he loved me only to dump me almost immediately after. Harry is almost doing the same, but unlike Matt I'm certain Harry had been genuine. Matt had only told me he loved me to get me to sleep with him. But either way both of them had ended up hurting me.
"You talking about Harry?" She asks, and I'm certain she already knows the answer.
I nod. "His fiancée is pregnant."
"What?" She narrows her eyes at me, as if wondering whether or not I'm taking the piss.
"He knocked her up," I say and by doing so I feel a small tear at my heart. I still don't understand how he could be so reckless.
"So he hasn't been protecting himself. Please tell me that you've used condoms while with him," she says, and my silence answers her question. I bite the inside of my cheek wondering how I could have been so reckless. The entire time I've been on the pill, and I know Harry was alright at one point, but the fact that he has been sleeping with Kaia this entire time makes me sick to the stomach. What if Harry has caught something and passed it on to me. I've never had chlamydia in my life, and I really hope now isn't a first, and then there's gonorrhoea and syphilis and a ton of other STD's that I could have gotten.
"I've been on the pill," I confess. "And I honestly didn't think he was sleeping with her."
"How can you think that? She's his fiancée? Don't you think it's rather suspicious if he stops sleeping with her from one day to the next. But I don't get why he would knock her up now."
"I don't think it was meant to happen. He didn't seem thrilled about the news of becoming a father," I confess letting her words sink in. Harry was right, I am naive for thinking he wouldn't sleep with her while seeing me, yet that doesn't mean it hurts any less and Bonnie's words too are a punch in the stomach.
She huffs. "I'm sorry, but that honestly makes him nothing more than an arsehole. He hurts you by knocking up a girl he doesn't even want to be with. I'm sorry but that doesn't sound like a decent man. And I'm beginning to wonder what you even see in him. To me, it sounds like you can do so much better than him." Her words make a lot of sense, yet they hurt too. Because Harry hasn't just been an arsehole to me. He's been sweet and caring and considerate and I really do love him, but he has made some pretty bad decisions too and sleeping with Kaia sure is one of them. I don't think he would just have unprotected sex with her, yet I honestly don't know that to think. As far as I know, he might have been hoping that nothing would happen.
I stare down at my legs wrapped underneath my body and can't help but wonder why it is that I never find someone who loves me for me - someone who doesn't have one foot inside and another one out. Who's decent and who I can actually bring home to my parents. Perhaps in another life this would actually happen, but sometimes when we get what we wish for it turns out it isn't what we actually need.