I checked my phone for the fifth time in thirty minutes, realizing Emma was most definitely ignoring me. Blair was most likely with Tony which I had no problem with, but frankly there was nothing for me to do.
I was bored out of my mind.
Megan was hustling around the apartment getting all of her things together and I wanted nothing to do with it. She had asked me multiple times but I refused, for some reason I didn't find anything joyful in helping her pack. The thought of knowing she was leaving made me sad and nervous in the same sense.
I had went from totally being against her moving in, to accepting her into my house, to despising her again, and now I was sad she was leaving.
I was really confusing myself.
Shawn had left around lunch leaving me and Megan alone, again, and so far nothing exciting had happened.
I wanted to bring up the kiss, I wanted to know what had exactly made her want to kiss me first. I was shocked and confused, and I was desperate to kiss her again.
I hadn't noticed I had been staring at Megan until she spoke, "Stop staring at me Sam."
I sighed, standing up from the counter and walking over to her, "Megan..."
"Don't, I don't really want to talk about yesterday."
I pressed, "Why?"
She looked up at me, shaking her head, "Because Sam, I keep forgetting to tell myself you're my student. You're not just Shawn's little sister. You know whatever we have going on between us is complicated..."
I just looked at her, "I'm not even sure what's going on between us."
She leaned back on the couch and sighed, "Me neither."
I looked at her, "Why'd you really kiss me the other day?"
She looked at me, "Because I wanted to, I told you."
I smirked, "Megan, I know there have been other times where you've wanted to and you didn't, so what changed?"
She sighed, shrugging, "I guess I was just lonely."
I shoved her, "That's not funny."
She ran her fingers through her lush, dark brown hair and responded. "Sam... I'm not sure why, honestly. I'm not sure why I do the things I do around you. You can confuse me, frustrate me, and make me want to kiss you in the matter of five minutes. So I can't really give you a straight answer."
I smiled like an idiot at her response, feeling a sense of satisfaction knowing I made her just as crazy as she made me. I answered, "Don't worry, I have that effect on everyone, not just you."
"Well that's flattering."
I shrugged, "Sorry, I just drive women crazy."
She crossed her arms, "Speaking of that, how's Emma?"
I felt my heart sink at the mention of my girlfriend-slash-fuck buddy, not really knowing where exactly Emma and I were heading. I had cheated multiple times and I felt like shit for it, but I was too much of a coward to even confront her about it. She knew something was up, she just didn't know how bad it really was, and I was too afraid to face the music.
I answered unsurely, "Um, well, I saw her yesterday before I came home..."
She nodded, "And?"
I sighed, "Well, I kind of had sex with her and then left."
Megan's face changed into something a little more aggressive and I already knew what was coming, "Seriously, you fucked her and then came over here and kissed me like nothing happened?"
I stood along with her, "You kiss me first!"
She shoved me, "Thinking you and her were through!"
I threw up my hands, "That's stupid! And what was I supposed to do? Expect you to kiss me and tell you I had sex with my girlfriend before you had the chance?"
Megan was upset, I could see it in her face, but maybe now she kind of understood how I felt the morning she came home from Nikki's. It wasn't a good feeling but I knew she needed to understand, but I obviously didn't plan this on purpose.
Everything just happened in a fucked up order.
She continued raging on, "Sam, you need to tell that girl the truth, and when she hates you and starts fucking up during games I'm going to kill you. I told you not to do this, and you did it anyway, and then you cheat on her with me?!"
I rubbed the back of my neck, remembering Katie from Ross's Friday afternoon, and how I had kinda cheated with more than just Megan.
Megan saw me thinking, "What are you thinking about?"
I shrugged, "Nothing."
"Tell me, now."
I sighed, realizing I needed to lay everything out on the table with Megan, either to hope she helped me or killed me and put me out of my misery.
I continued, "I kind of had sex with another girl Friday afternoon."
Megan's face turned from angry to furious in the matter of seconds, almost scaring the shit out of me. She held her hands over her face and shook her head, "Sam... what is wrong with you?"
I shook my head, "Nothing is wrong with me!"
She shook her head, "How can you do that? Why would you do that?!"
I held my hands up, "I was hurt, Megan! I had to listen to you make-out with Nikki while I was stuck in the fucking cabinet in your room! I was upset ok, and Emma wasn't there for me and neither were you! I didn't know what to do!"
I scolded myself internally for ranting a little too much on the subject but at least now Megan knew how I reacted. I was hurting, I was confused, and as much as I wish I could take it back I knew I just couldn't.
"You're never going to change, are you?"
I looked at Megan, not sure what exactly she was talking about. I shrugged, "I don't know what you're asking..."
She shook her head, "You need to figure out what you want, whether it's a relationship or just to fucking fool around with anything that throws itself at you. You need to grow up, Sam."
For some reason her words really cut me deep, and I knew everything she was saying was true. I knew I was being immature, I just didn't want to grow up and face the consequences. I was screwed up, and I had made my life a really shitty mess that I needed to clean.
I just didn't know where to start.
I slumped back down into the couch, "I don't know how to do any of this Megan..."
Pity flashed across her face as she sat next to me, almost trying to comfort me, "Sam, it's not as hard as you think."
I shrugged, "I don't understand relationships, and when you're in one you're not supposed to feel anything for anyone else. But I do. I feel urges that Emma doesn't meet, and when I'm around you I just get confused and angry. I'm not supposed to feel anything for you, because you're my teacher and I'm with Emma. But I just don't care about Emma like I care about y-."
I stopped talking, afraid I was going to give too much away to Megan. It wasn't the right time to talk about my feelings, and I was hoping I never had to. I didn't want to admit it, because I knew once I did it was over for me.
I just couldn't say it out loud.
Megan seemed to already know what I was going to say as she just sat there looking at me. She seemed to be majorly confused and torn between two things, and I already knew what it was. Whatever was going on between us wasn't good, and I it was really taking its toll on the both of us.
She sighed, "Maybe you just need to talk to her, get it all off of your chest."
I shook my head, "I don't know how to tell her..."
Megan pondered her thoughts as she sat next to me, "You'll figure it out."
I looked at her, knowing that this was all up to me and Megan's help and advice had only done me good. I needed to be honest with Emma and myself, no matter how painful. And then I suddenly remembered something Megan had said not long ago.
I looked at her, "What did you mean when you said I was never gonna change?"
Megan's blue eyes just looked down, as if she wasn't quite ready to talk about this, but I was. I wanted to know what she thought about me, even if I knew deep down it would hurt me simply because it was coming from her.
"You're not gonna like what I have to say."
I sighed, smiling, "I never like what you have to say about me, so I'm used to it."
She laughed a little bit and shook her head, "I just... Sam, you're kind of a whore."
She said it with such ease, as if she had rehearsed this moment in the mirror a million times before. It actually was kind of funny because after she said it she looked like it was the most awful thing she could have possibly said to me.
I knew what she was saying was true, and I had been told it a million times before, but hearing it come from Megan did hurt a little. I hated thinking that she thought that of me, even though I didn't try to hide who I really was, at all. She obviously didn't like the way I lived my life but, somewhere deep down inside her she still liked me.
That had to mean something right?
I answered, "Look, it's not like I plan out everything I do, most of the time it's just impulse actions. That includes doing stupid things and having sex with random girls."
She rubbed her temples, "Sam, don't you ever just think of what could happen? What you could catch from one of these girls?"
Now when you put it like that.
I held up my hand, "Ok, I changed my mind. I don't want to talk about this."
"Stop and put your big girl panties on. If you're going to have sex at least be careful... you could get that shit all in your mouth and-"
"Megan, stop!"
She looked at me, "Fine, I'm just making you aware."
I shoved her, "Nikki is probably flowing with STD's. She's a slut, seriously."
Megan shoved me back, "You don't know her Sam so don't say that."
I looked at her, "Megan, I can read that girl like a book. She has tramp written all over her."
She threw up her hands in surrender, "Well, she's not my problem anymore. I'm a free woman."
I nodded, "Yes you are."
"I can do whatever I want."
"Yup."
"I can go wherever I want!"
"Uh-huh."
She smiled, "And I can see whoever I want, whenever I want, however I want!"
This time our eyes locked, and I couldn't help but nod slowly, "Yes you can."
Once again I felt the pull towards her, as if there was nothing more I wanted than to be lip-locked with Megan Adams. Her mesmerizing blue eyes were searching mine, just like mine were doing at the moment. I just wanted to taste her again, because a kiss with her was like kissing a million other girls all rolled up into one. There was no comparison with Megan, she was just so much better, and I couldn't ever have her.
Megan shook her head, as if she was shaking out of this weird trance, "I hate how weird you make me feel, Sam Carson."
"It's weird when you say my whole name."
"Sam Carson."
"Stop."
She smiled, "I like annoying you."
I nodded, "Trust me, I can tell."
She just continued to smile, but I knew she was thinking something she wasn't sure if she wanted to tell me. We both knew we had a weird relationship, there was no denying that, but when we had these moments it just felt... right.
She continued, "You're really not gonna help me pack?"
I shook my head, "No, we've discussed this."
"No we didn't, you just told me you didn't want to. I thought we were friends."
I laughed, "I thought you were trying not to be my friend, Megan."
I knew she was having a hard time with her relationship with me, and when I said that I knew she had second guessed herself. We tried being friends, we tried not being friends, but neither really worked.
So we were pretty used to our up and down relationship.
One minute we could be joking with each other like we were now, the next I could say something to piss her off, and then the next we would be kissing. It made no sense, and the more we tried to make sense of it the more confused we got.
And it didn't help that we were both stubborn and trying to deny the feelings we were always suppressing.
She stood, "It'll be better when I move out."
I didn't know exactly what she was referring to, either the friend thing or the more than friend feelings we had, but I felt sad hearing that. I looked up at her, "You think it'll be better?"
She nodded, "Being around you, one of my students, it's really unhealthy. You know that."
I stood along with her, shaking my head, "Megan, I know you don't look at me like a student. Don't bullshit me. You and I both know the real reason you're leaving, even when you're still in a lot of debt."
She just studied me, too afraid and too stubborn to tell me that she cared about me. I couldn't blame her for not admitting it, at least not out loud, because I was the exact same way. Doing that would just make me a hypocrite.
She didn't continue on the subject as she grabbed her keys, "Well, not that we've gotten all serious and shit, do you want to help me bring things to my new place?"
I held up my hands, "Isn't that the same thing as me helping you pack?"
She shook her head, "Consider it unpacking."
I just looked at her, standing in jeans and a T-shirt and still looking completely stunning. Even when she wasn't dressed up and fancy she still managed to be sexy, and I couldn't help but give into her this time.
I nodded, "Sure."
She smiled, "I'm glad you agreed because if you wouldn't have I would've threatened to fail you this semester."
I dropped my jaw in shock, "You're the devil."
She looked at me, laughing, "No, no, no... Sam Carson, you are the devil. I'm the angel on your right shoulder."
I looked at her and smirked, "Doesn't that mean you're my conscience or something? Because I'm pretty sure I don't have one."
She shoved me, handing me a box to bring to her car in the process, "Yes you do, you just ignore it a lot."
We continued hauling boxes into her car, and I couldn't help but feel the same familiar dread, but this time I was dreading her actual departure. I honestly didn't want Megan to move out, and for more than one reason, but I obviously couldn't tell her that. I wasn't happy about it because she was still in a very deep financial situation, and this could really hurt her, but I knew deep down I would miss coming home to her.
God it felt weird thinking that.
I joined her in her passenger seat, flicking on the radio and turning it up as she turned out of the apartment complex. I kept glancing at her, watching her every move as she turned the steering wheel and put on her blinker. Everything she did was magnificent, every way she moved and spoke was mesmerizing, and everything about her made me want her even more.
Especially the fact that I could never have her.
She groaned, "Sam, stop."
I groaned, "What?!"
"Stop staring at me!"
"I'm not staring! I'm... admiring."
She glanced at me, and even when she tried holding a straight and stern face I still watched her cheeks blush. She shook her head, ignoring me now as we continued down the road. I couldn't help if I kept looking at her, she was just so beautiful and sexy.
I was really bummed she wouldn't be living with Shawn and I anymore.
"You're admiring me?"
I nodded, smiling, "Like a beautiful piece of art."
She made a gagging noise, "Oh God, how many other girls have you told that to?"
I shrugged, "Maybe two or three."
She stopped at a stoplight and looked at me, "You're just unbelievable."
Then before I knew it we were pulling up into another apartment, which honestly wasn't the best place in the whole world, but I knew why. It disappointed me that Megan had picked this one, but I was grateful because I wasn't far away from mine.
Oh like that even mattered anymore.
She parked and exited the car, allowing me to follow her to the nearest door, and watching her shove the key into the lock. She unlocked it and let me in, and to my surprise the inside wasn't nearly as bad as the outside. It was clean, and open, and possibly the perfect place for Megan.
She sighed, "It's obviously not the best but... it's what I could afford."
I shrugged, "It's perfect for you."
She led me to what I believed to be her bedroom, and I walked in, seeing the bed already there from storage. She obviously like light colors, and her bed consisted of light blue embroidery on a white, fluffy comforter. The bed actually looked pretty damn comfortable.
I walked over to it and laid down, feeling my body sink into it and imagining having sex with someone in it.
She nearly whispered, "You like it?"
I looked at her from the bed, practically undressing her with my eyes as I nodded, "Your bed is phenomenal."
She nodded, walking a little closer to me, "Sex in that bed is phenomenal."
I looked up at her, feeling the familiar tension in the room hit an all-time high. I wanted to touch her, I wanted to taste her and feel her under me. I wanted nothing more than to make her say my name and to know that I was making her feel amazing.
But I knew better.
I sat up, "Yea well, I'm sure you and Nikki's sex stories can wait for another day."
She was standing in front of me, arm crossed as she peered down at me with an expression I couldn't quite read. She tilted her head, "What have you got against Nikki? I feel like you hate her more than I do."
I didn't really know how to answer it, mostly because I didn't quite understand it myself either. I obviously didn't like her because Megan had been with her, but even when I knew there were a million other reasons I didn't really know what they were. Was it because I was jealous of Nikki? Yes, that had to be a reason, no doubt about it. But could it also be because the way Nikki treated Megan pissed me off?
I shrugged, "She's just a lot like me, I guess."
Megan's eyes narrowed, "So you're saying you hate yourself?"
I shook my head, "You're over-analyzing this."
"I'm repeating what you said, so answer me."
Did I hate myself? I hated what I had become in the last four years of my life. I had developed no feelings for anyone and I had pushed all of the people I loved away. I hated my parents because of the damage they had done and it felt pretty unrepairable. I hated my drinking habits, and my smoking, and the way I could never get satisfied with any girl I ever slept with, including Emma. I hated the vulnerability I felt around Megan, and I hated how depressed I felt deep inside.
But did that all mean I hated myself?
I settled on no, because I didn't hate myself. I responded, "No, but I hate what I've become."
Megan's eyes softened, and I knew she could tell there was something broken in me. It wasn't often I let someone in and let them see the sad and vulnerable side of Sam Carson, but Megan already knew me better than I knew myself.
There was no use trying to hide it.
She shook her head as she knelt down in front of me, "Sam, you're so strong. You're one of a kind, and yes, some of your lifestyle choices aren't the best, but that doesn't mean you're a crappy person. You have a beautiful soul, even though you don't let it show all that often."
I smirked, "A beautiful soul? Who are you, Buddha?"
She slapped my knee and stood, "I was trying to be sweet."
I shook my head, "I don't do sweet."
"Try something new for once."
"Like what, actually giving you a compliment?"
She smiled, "I wouldn't deny one."
"Megan, are you trying to flirt with me?"
She rolled her eyes, "That doesn't sound like a compliment."
I smiled, leaning forward as I thought. I didn't want to be corny, and I didn't want to say shit she's heard a million times, but everything about her made me nervous.
So I said the first thing that came to mind, "Your lips feel amazing."
"My lips?"
All I could do was nod as I watched her face contort in confusion. She probably wasn't expecting it, but it wasn't the worst comment in the world.
She just nodded slowly, "Okay, well, thanks."
I smiled, "Welcome."
She stood, "So are we gonna unload those boxes or what?"
I groaned in response, "I'd rather sit through one of your classes."
She just looked at me, "Just for that I'm not boosting your D to a C."
I laughed as I helped her unload boxes, wondering what exactly was going to happen between us in the long run.
***A/N***
Guys I just wanted to apologize for the delayed update, my second year of college started and it's been a little hectic. Stay tuned for more updates, I promise they'll be soon! Happy Reading.
-Lauryn