Breathe Through the Scars

By esjaadi

745 1 0

In this memoir of my personal downfall & strengths that made me the person I am today, I talk about my mental... More

Preface - Superpower
Obsession of Love - Part 1
Chapter 1 - Part 2
Chapter 1 - Part 3
Ch. 1 Part 4 - What I Recall from my Past Life
Chapter 2 - Part 1 Disquietude
Ch. 2 Part 2 - Prognosis & Hospitalization
Ch. 2 Part 3 - Prognosis & Anxiety
Ch. 2 Part 4 - Anxiety & Memories
Ch. 2 Part 5 - My Situation & Records
Ch. 2 Part 6 - Stagnant
Ch. 3 Part 1 - Blue Devils
Ch. 3 Part 2 - Taking Life by the Hand
Ch. 3 Part 3
Ch. 3 Part 4
Ch. 3 Part 5 - Hawaii & my Mother
Ch. 4 Ambition & Mental Health
Ch. 5 Part 1 - Private Life
Ch. 5 Part 2 - Living in my Comfort Zone
Ch. 5 Part 3 - Lack of Relationships & Friendships
Ch. 5 Part 4 - Rebel Against & Changes
Ch. 6 Perception of Life
Ch. 7 The Vibe I Felt
Ch. 8 Middle America & The Media
Ch. 9 Outdated Storyline & Identity
Ch. 10 Past Emotions From Friends
Ch. 11 Sweet Memories
Ch. 12 Emotions and Fashion
Ch. 13 My Projects
Ch. 14 Potentiality
Ch. 16 My Sense of Freedom
Ch. 17 From Self-Conscious to Pride
Ch. 18 "Reality" vs. "Back-Up Plan"
Ch. 19 Part 1 What I Aspire to be
Ch. 19 Part 2
Ch. 19 Part 3 Desire for Dreams
Ch. 19 Part 4 Job vs. Dream
Ch. 19 Part 5 Why it Took So Long
Ch. 19 Part 6 Belief vs. Disbelief
Ch. 19 Part 7 Serious About Aspirations
Ch. 19 Part 8
Ch. 19 Part 9 Dreams are Valid
Ch. 20 My Dream with One of my Favorite Artists
Ch. 21 Part 1 Why I want to be in NY
Ch. 21 Part 2
Ch. 21 Part 3 How I Feel About NY
Ch. 21 Part 4
Ch. 21 Part 5
Ch. 21 Part 6
Ch. 21 Part 7 My Emotions on NY
Ch. 21 Part 8
Ch. 22 Part 1 Stylist & Dancer's Dream
Ch. 22 Part 2 Dreams and NY
Ch. 22 Part 3 A Dancer's Dream
Ch. 22 Part 4 University & Dreams
Ch. 22 Part 5 Educate Myself
Ch. 22 Part 6 What Dreams are About
Ch. 23 Part 1 The Blue Chip of My Life
Ch. 23 Part 2
Ch. 23 Part 3
Ch. 23 Part 4 Bawse Values
Ch. 23 Part 5 Fashion and Networking
Ch. 23 Part 6
Ch. 23 Part 7
Ch. 23 Part 8
Ch. 24 Found Happiness in California
Conclusion

Ch. 15 Mindset From Rich to Wealthy

9 0 0
By esjaadi

"In order to get rich, you must connect to your desire for money and the key to doing this by getting clear on the specifics around your why?: Why do you desire this money? What will you spend it on? How will it feel to make it, spend it & bask in the manifestation of your ever so important why? Just wanting to get rich isn't going to cut it - there has to be meaning behind the money or else the second it gets hard or expensive or someone tells you you're high if you think you can get rich by selling your homemade ice cream, you'll slink back to your goat pen of complancency instead of doing whatever it takes." -Jen Sincero

     This quote is so important to me because it wakes me up to the fact that I have to chase my dreams and take them to fruition. I shouldn't just be writing about it, but taking action matters soooo much to me that it is what makes feel alive.
     First of all, I desire this money to make my dreams come alive, travel the world, donate to organizations I care about, to take my projects to fruition, & to inspire others to make their dreams come alive no matter where they come from.
     Secondly, I will spend this money on the steps I need to take to make my dreams come alive, travel expenses, clothes & shoes, etc. for my fashion blog, dance classes & courses I might need to take in fashion to make that dream come alive and photography classes because I've always wanted to improve that as well. Same goes for makeup.
     Thirdly, I imagine it will feel like I have reached freedom, the glory of having it all I have ever wanted in my life. To live & breathe the riches must feel like there are no restrictions in life as to what I can spend it on.

     I want to see the world, not so the world can see me. I have so many ideas of where I want to travel to. I want to travel to cities I have been to(NYC, cities in CA) to explore the places I haven't been to in those cities.
      I want to travel to so many places outside of this country as well. I want to experience life so that I can feel alive for all of the times in my life. I want to experience what I haven't done before or eaten before.
     If money was no object, I'd visit the following locations: Santorini, Greece; Berlin, Germany; biggest library in the world (in DC); Paris, France; Rome, Italy; Australia, & New Zealand. I've been to the latter of the two, but I have to go back to find a home there. I want to go to the Museum of Ice Cream, CA; Portland, ME; Morocco, Ireland, Prague, Greek Islands, Fiji Islands, Grand Canyon, Africa, Finland, London, UK; Arizona, Havasupai waterfalls, Dubai, Tabriz & Persepolis, Iran; Tell Aviv, Israel; Milan, Italy; Alsace, France; Iceland, Ljubljana, Croatia, Spain, Thunder Cove, Canada; Brazil, Pink Sands Beach, Bahamas; Malaysia, Sweden, British Virgin Islands, Belize, Maldives & Tokyo, Japan. I'm aware this is a length list. However, I have more than 30+ years to experience it all.
     It's important for me to experience all that I want in my life because I feel like I haven't experienced anything in my first 27 years of this life.
     As of February of 2018, I had worked with a vocational service to find jobs because I don't have much on my resumé. On my dance resumé, I have something on there. I had been working with them to figure out what I should put on my resumé & applying to jobs that I can apply to.
     My financial situation makes me self-conscious because I'm feel like I should be living in a better situation. I don't like that I'm like this. None of my friends know about this. Not even my best friend. Only my immediate family (excludes my father). It's like I don't want anyone to know of this. I don't want to be judged by my second cousin, if she knew it would make me embarrassed as well. I feel like if anyone knew, I'd be looked at differently & probably judged internally.
     I don't understand why I have been told to lower my standards. Same goes for lowering the bar for myself. It's a stupid thing to do. I have high standards for myself. I'd rather meet those high standards & rise above them. I have to better myself each day, even when I don't feel like it.
     At this point in my life, I have a rich mindset. I have been educating myself in business & a little bit in self-help. I think it's important to be rich in my mind before I have it in my life. It's not lying to myself. It's that I'm rich in knowledge. Besides, I have very expensive taste. I have great friends & good family.
     I have to work on myself in order to work towards having a wealthy mindset. I want to be wealthy in friends, food, not just money, memories, experiences, knowledge, spirit & in fashion as well. This is all important to me because I'm going for the freedom to only depend on myself for fortune & finances.
     Right now, I don't feel fortunate because I'm not financially independent and I'm not living all by myself. Plus, I don't have a job yet. In all honesty, I'd rather have a job that relates to my passion and not be stressed out by something I don't care about. It doesn't make sense to me. Plus, I'm not out of my comfort zone. That bothers the fuck out of me.
  

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