No.
He wasn't supposed to say that. They were just supposed to be keeping it simple. Have fun. That's all Tamara wanted. After the trip was over, he'd go to his house on the East Coast and she to hers on the West. There was no future. She'd made the mistake once before thinking that there would be, and she wasn't about to assume that a second time. She squeezed her eyes closed; trying to pretend that he didn't speak.
He pulled out of her and then flopped down on the bed beside her. An awkward silence passed between them before he finally said, "You don't have to worry about saying it back."
Tamara's heart ached as his deep gravelly voiced filled her. If she said what he wanted to hear, there would be no going back. She did love him, but she couldn't ignore the last 11 years either. She couldn't ignore her past, especially her inability to judge a person's character.
Those words were to be safely guarded because they led to her heart and that was off-limits, hidden behind a safe and only she had the key. "What happened to our no-strings attached agreement?" she asked, her voice wobbly.
"I'm sorry if it made you feel uncomfortable, but it's the truth."
She sat up, swinging her legs over the side of the bed, keeping her back to him. Everything inside her was screaming at her to say the damn words, and she had to fight to hold them back. Tears pricked her eyes. "Tell me something," she started to say, gripping the sheets with her fingers, "In the time you were gone, were you ever with someone else?"
"Yes."
"So you were fine enough to be with another woman, but not fine enough to come see me?" He remained silent. "Maybe now you'll understand my reluctance to accept your undying love."
"It's not like you were celibate in my absence." He retorted
"After you got out, you had a choice to come back to me. But me, what choice did I have? I didn't even know where the hell you went." Tamara took a deep breath and moved to grab her clothes off the chair. If he never would have left, she would never have gotten into the situations that she did. She never would have gotten together with Harley. "You're the reason my life is a mess!"
"That's not fair."
"Really? Do you know what's not fair? Planning for a life that I never got."
He walked over to her and took her shirt from her hand before she had a chance to put it on. "We can have that life now."
She yanked her shirt back, and in the process, she stumbled. He caught her in his arms. "What if I don't want it," Tamara snapped.
"You do," he responded arrogantly, tightening his grip on her so she couldn't escape.
"And how do you know that?"
"Because you haven't knocked me on my ass yet."
She glanced up at him, her lips curling. "Maybe that's because I'm trying to be on my best behavior."
"Best behavior are two words that should never go together in the bedroom."
"So you want me to knock you on your ass?" she asked.
"It's not my ass I'm interested in," he said, quirking an eyebrow as he squeezed her butt.
Her knees went weak and she was unable to come up with a sweet rebuttal, not when his eyes were feasting on her so intently. All she could think about was jumping back into bed with him, but she needed her space.
"Please let me go, Logan."
Tamara breathed a sigh of relief when he reluctantly let her go. Quickly getting into her clothes, including her bathing suit, she dashed for the door. "Don't wait up."
Again, it was nearing midnight when she rushed out of the room. She needed to go for a dip in the pool and cool off. Her hormones were caught up in a wild freak storm that didn't show any signs of settling down.
She raced down the hall and up the stairs. When she neared the outside door, she slammed it open, right into a man's face.
"Oh dear, I'm so sorry," she said, rushing out to his aid. The guy's nose was already bleeding.
He squeezed his nostrils closed and held his head back. His long brown hair was being tousled by the wind. Holy moley, the guy looked like Jason Momoa, minus the arm tattoo. "You pack quite the whallop, lady."
"I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can get you? Ice or a beer?"
"Ice and beer sounds good."
Postponing her swim, she helped him to the bar while a first aid attendant came and tended to him. Tamara sat down beside him feeling utterly horrible that she ruined his trip. "I feel so bad."
"Don't worry about it. Why don't you tell me what you were rushing away from so quickly?"
"It's a long story. And I'm sure whoever you're with will want you back shortly."
"The lady I came with is shacking up with some guy she met earlier," he replied.
"Ouch, and now I've added a possible broken nose to your woes."
"It's not my first broken nose," he said with a crooked grin, which looked funny with paper towel stuffed up his nose. "Another battle wound I can add to the assortment of scars."
"Been in a few scrapes, have you?"
"Just a few. So, are you here with anyone?"
"That's a complicated question," she replied, shaking her head.
"I think I saw you with a blond haired guy earlier. He carted you off from the Plaza."
Tamara cheeks burned. "Don't remind me."
"What's the story between you two?"
Did she really want to divulge their story to a complete stranger? They did have to share the boat with him and were liable to run into him over the next while. "Old ex-boyfriend."
"Quite the coincidence that he'd be on the same boat as you."
She wrapped her hands around her glass. "Not really. My family planned it."
What were they thinking? That she'd fall all over him if given the opportunity? She'd rather be working, putting bad guys in jail where they belonged. Maybe she should show them just how much of a free spirit she was and that she wouldn't fall into anyone's arms just because they wanted her to.
"Family's love to meddle," he said. "I come on these cruises to get away from it. And they think I come to find a women to settle down with, but it's just a ruse really. I'm happy being single."
"No grand thoughts of marriage?" she asked.
"I work in the military and I've watched too many men go through divorce to even consider it worth my while."
"I hear ya! I haven't had much luck in the guy department, so I've given up dreaming of a white picket fence."
"That man looked pretty taken with you."
That part was true. He was being like a love sick puppy and while it made her feel warm and fuzzy inside, it also irritated the hell out of her. "Damn him."
"What happened between you two?
"He went missing in action on the night of our grad 14 years ago. And now he's shown up here, in my room none-the-less."
"Did he have a good excuse?"
"No," she rapidly fired back but then she bowed her head, shaking it. "Ugh, that's a lie. He did."
Logan's excuse was solid and she couldn't fault him for it. She was still trying to figure out how she never found out about it after all this time. How can someone's family be so screwed up that no one else heard about it? Or did everyone just play dumb to her?
After he didn't show up, she mopped about the house for a few days and then went to his place and it was closed up tighter than a clam. Day after day she stopped by the house, hoping to see his mom or anyone for that matter, but no one was ever there. It took about a month before she gave up and realized that it was truly over.
"What was it?"
Shame filled her. She shouldn't even be talking about it with someone else. "Is it okay if we don't talk about it?"
"I hate seeing pain in a woman's eyes. Is there anything I can do to bring a smile to your face?"
"That's sweet of you to offer, but it's okay. I'm just going to hit the pool, work off some frustrated energy."
"Do you want me to hit him when he comes looking for ya?"
Tamara laughed, as she slid off the stool. "If anyone hits him, it's going to be me."
Before she had a chance to walk away, the man extended his hand. "I'm Jason."
Her eyes widened as she shook his hand. "Seriously?"
The guy groaned. "No. I'm not Momoa if that's what you're thinking."
"I take it you get that a lot."
Jason nodded. "I'm considering a name change. What about you?"
"Nah, I like my name."
Laughing, he released her hand. "I don't know your name."
"I'm Tamara."
"Nice to meet you, Tamara. Come find me if your boyfriend needs a good tuning."
"That's okay, I'll tune his ass myself," she replied, winking at him. A smile broke across his bearded face. If things were simpler, she could have easily found herself drawn to Jason sexually, but nothing was simple when Logan was around.
***
"Women were the most fickle creatures on the planet," Logan mumbled, wandering out onto the balcony with a beer. What woman doesn't like hearing the words I love you? Was he doomed to pay for his mistake for the rest of his life? "Thanks, Dad."
All he wanted was to marry her, have kids with her before their time waned. But it wasn't going to be as simple as counting 1, 2, 3, especially not when he was still having problems with himself and not while she was in that headspace of hers.
He hated thinking he was weak. You'd think after getting his life back on track he would be able to let go of what happened to him, but as soon as anyone touched his scars, it was like a horror movie in his mind. All he could see was his tiny frame being towered over by monsters. He felt like a little kid again, afraid of the dark. Not so much the dark itself, but what could be hiding within it.
A shiver worked its way up his spine until his whole body trembled. He would never forgive his father for as long as he lived. If it wasn't for his dad, his life would have taken an entirely different path. A better one. He hated him for what he took from him.
After drinking his beer, he returned inside and lay back on the bed, propping his hands behind his head. He'd contemplated running after her, but he needed time to think, too. He hadn't intended on blurting out his inner most feelings. But they were out there now, and he couldn't do anything about it. He could just hope that he hadn't scared her off too much.
Maybe when they docked at the next port, they'd be able to take their minds off everything and just explore the new sights. Their first port was supposed to be reached on day four of their trip so that meant they had another day at sea. There was supposed to be a dance off in the karaoke bar tomorrow, or given that it was after midnight already, today, and it would be one excuse to get her in his arms again.
The thought of gliding with her on the dance floor, arms wrapped around each other, was enough to wake his sleeping member. He hasn't been this horny since God knows when. Just thinking about how her skin felt against his made him want to jump out of bed and hunt her down, but he was going to respect her wishes.
As this trip was being planned, he had the time to think about their reunion, about what he would say, what he would do; but, it was all new to her, fresh as it were. She never had time to adjust to him being there, let alone entertain the idea of getting back together. So today, he was going to do anything she wanted to do, no matter what it was, even if she tried to make him sing instead of dance.
He'd probably sink the boat if she made him sing though. But, knowing her personality, that would be exactly what she'd make him do. There was no way he'd do it without her though. If she made him go up on stage, she'd be right there with him. No point in just him being embarrassed.
They used to have fun once, and he was bound and determined they would again. And this time, he wasn't going anywhere. Nothing on this side of heaven would ever make him leave again. She was going to be his wife.
And this time that was a promise that he intended to keep; one that no one would ever get in the way of again. Not his past, not his father, nor his ex-girlfriend, Lyndi, back home-who kept trying to make his life miserable. Logan hoped that once he was married to Tamara his ex would leave him the hell alone. It was in their court order. She wasn't allowed to contact him or his family, but she walked on the fence in that grey area, never crossing into anything that could get her arrested, yet it was enough to make him worry.
Anna, his sister, was told to call the cops if she was given any grief, but she reassured him that they would be fine and not to worry. He still worried, but his sister was a badass who could take care of herself. He made sure of that after he got out of jail, just in case any of his father's friends came calling.
Drifting off to sleep, he found himself in a nightmare. The dream world was like a black hole sucking him in, filling him with misery and despair. He was frantically racing through his house, searching for her, crying for her. But she wasn't answering him.
This couldn't be happening.
"Chloe!" he cried, "Answer Daddy, please!"
Silence remained in their two-floor home. "Chloe!" he yelled. "I am not playing anymore. You need to come out!"
He stood in the middle of his living room with his hands on his head, turning in circles, hoping to see her shadow as she hid behind something. The entire room was full of shadows, but it wasn't her, it was his memories closing in on him.
Falling to his knees, he yelled into the darkness. "Leave me alone!"
Finally the dream released him and he bolted upright in his bed, sweat pouring off his forehead. Logan reached for his phone and dialed his sister's number.
"Why are you calling me at this ungodly hour," Anna grumbled in his ear.
"I need to talk to my daughter," he said in a rush.
"Are you crazy? I'm not going to wake her up at 3 in the morning, Logan."
"Please!" he begged. "I need to know she's okay."
Chloe was his three year old pride and joy, and one of the reasons that sparked his trip. She needed a mother. He needed a wife. Anna was a huge help to him, but he couldn't keep relying on her to help him. She had her own life to live.
"I'll go check on her, but I am not going to wake her. She had a hard time falling asleep. She lost Missy and no other stuffed animal in her room was a good enough replacement so I had to stay with her till she fell asleep."
His heart clenched. "She's had that bear since we brought her home from the hospital."
"I remember finding it in the gift shop on the day she was born."
"I'll see if I can find a similar one on the ship."
Although, buying a bear would be a little tough without Tamara seeing it. He'd have to make some excuse to escape for a brief amount of time while he went searching for it. Chloe loved her stuffies, and any time Logan had to go away he always brought one back for her. It was kind of a tradition. But she was severely attached to Missy, almost as much as the blanket his ex's parents gave her.
He heard Anna open his daughter's door. "She's sleeping like the little angel that she is," she told him.
Sighing in relief, he said, "Thanks. Sorry to have woken you."
Anna yawned, making a light squeaking noise. "It's fine, just please call at a more reasonable hour next time."
"Will do, thanks, sis. I really appreciate you watching her for me," he said, stepping out again onto his balcony in his boxers and t-shirt, being careful to stay under the balcony above him. No point in giving everyone a show. It was strange to be moving in a sea of nothingness with only the stars and the ship lights giving off light.
"You're welcome. So how are things going there? Any luck with Tamara?"
Logan ran a hand through his hair. "It's been interesting to say the least. She is a wee bit miffed."
"You should have listened to me and gone to see her before."
"I know. I know."
And he really did know. She wouldn't be giving him the trouble that she was now if he had found the guts to visit her before. But he couldn't even talk about what happened to him, let alone figure out how to word it. It was only recently that he'd been able to open up and share his experiences. Thanks to a support group, he'd been attending. That alone took 9 years.
It was one of the things he had to do to get custody of his daughter after his ex-girlfriend went off the deep end and made their kid wind up in foster care. If he wouldn't have gotten help, they would have refused him as well. As it was, it took him 10 months to get her. He hadn't expected to become a father, but their little mistake created the sweetest kid in the world.
"So, go on, make up for those lost years and let me sleep," Anna said, yawning again. "Otherwise, your daughter is going to run me ragged tomorrow more than usual."
"Sorry again for calling so late."
'Humph' was her only reply before hanging up the phone. Chloe usually had a good bedtime routine, but if one thing was out of place, she would ensure that everyone knew about it well into the night. Would she be okay with Tamara coming into their lives? Would Tamara be okay with the thought of being a mother?
He'd been too nervous to bring it up, especially given how angry she was. If she knew that he'd had a child with someone else, that would make things even worse because she'd never accept his 'trying to find himself' excuse anymore. No matter how true that statement was. He still had needs that had to be quenched somehow, and well, it had its own consequences. And he wasn't one for turning his back on his own blood, unlike his father. His daughter, also, prevented him from getting involved with anyone.
Heading back inside the room, he lay back on the bed and pulled up the sheets just as Tamara opened the door. He pretended to be asleep to give her ample space to feel comfortable again, but his parts were making a tent pole out of the bed sheets.
She didn't chuckle or anything, so he doubted she could see it in the dark. When she walked by, the smell of salt water followed her. It's no wonder she had no ounce of fat on her body. She was too busy working out to build up anything other than muscle. She was like a streamlined torpedo.
He couldn't wait to see what tomorrow would bring. If they would wind up in bed or actually get out and enjoy the festivities. The day couldn't come fast enough for him. He wished he was like The Doctor on Doctor Who and be able to travel through time. That way he could make up for all his past mistakes and even see into the future.
But he was just plain old Logan and had to do things the hard way. Although, they did say that the hardest way always brought the most gratification in the end. He couldn't help but hope that they were right.