I started the next morning with no desire to actually leave my bed. I only gained the motivation when I looked over and saw Lapis laying next to me, sleeping quietly and breathing evenly. That was when I finally got out of bed. I approached the mirror to see how disastrous I really looked. It took me a few seconds to see the pale lavender patches of skin under my eyes. A sleepless night, indeed. An exhausting one. I yawned and walked downstairs, leaving Lapis to sleep as long as she needed. When I walked downstairs, Mom was there. She was an early riser. I expected that.
"Good morning, Peridot," she said. "Would you like some tea?"
"I'm gonna go for some coffee today, actually," I answered.
"Are you tired?" Mom asked.
"Very," I answered, yawning again.
"Did you not sleep?" Mom asked.
"I couldn't ever get to sleep," I answered. "I was too busy worrying."
"Even with Lapis sleeping next to you?" Mom asked.
"I don't think it would have been much worse without her next to me," I answered. "Nothing is going to stop me from worrying."
I sat exhaustedly and watched Mom place a warm cup of coffee on the table in front of me. I picked it up and took a sip. At least it tasted good.
"Do you need to take a shower?" Mom asked. "I'm sure it would help you wake up."
"I probably should," I answered. "But let me finish this coffee first."
I sat with the blanket wrapped around myself as I drank my coffee. It remained warm as I continued to drink it. When I had finished it, I put it in the dishwasher and made my way upstairs. I tiptoed into my room and picked out my clothes for the day. Then I snuck out into the bathroom. I undressed and turned on the shower water. I waited for it to warm up, and then I stepped in. The water weighed down my hair and made it fall onto my face. It wasn't exactly pleasant, that was for sure.
I began to think again. The possibility that I could lose Lapis was there. It was always there. It never left my head. It haunted me. Losing Lapis was last thing I wanted. Lapis was my love and my life. I wouldn't be able to lose her without losing myself as well. What about the baby? I wouldn't be able to nurse her. What would I do? I barely noticed the tears on my face. They blended in too well with the water from the shower faucet. I hated feeling so vulnerable like this. I was supposed to be strong.
I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around myself. Then I looked at myself in the mirror. I tried my best to fix my hair, and I eventually settled on putting it up in a messy bun. It would do for now. I would take it down later to let it dry.
I picked up my clothes to start putting them on when I realized that my shirt was missing. I must have dropped it. I put on the rest of my clothes and walked out of the bathroom. Lapis had met me there, holding my shirt.
"This was on the floor," she said.
"Thanks," I replied.
I took the shirt and put it on. Turns out Mom was right. I was feeling more awake.
"Did you sleep well last night?" I asked.
"Yeah," Lapis answered. "I slept like a baby." She giggled. "Well, I slept like how our baby sleeps during the day. I think she's nocturnal."
I let myself smile. "I'm glad you slept well," I said.
"How about you?" Lapis asked. "Did you sleep well?"
"I slept..." I found myself suddenly dazzled by her blue eyes, patiently but eagerly awaiting my answer. For some reason, I felt I couldn't lie. I sighed in defeat. "I didn't sleep last night."
"Why not?" Lapis asked, her voice becoming quiet.
"...can we discuss this outside?" I asked.
Lapis nodded. "If you'd like," she answered.
Lapis's face contorted when I squeezed her hand a little too tightly. I clearly was showing that I wasn't content. I was upset. I was terrified. I was almost angry. What could I possibly be angry at? That's when it hit me. I was angry at myself for inflicting this upon Lapis. It was my fault she was pregnant in the first place. That there was this possibility at all.
Even the warm touch of the bright sand didn't calm me. For some reason, I despised the grains getting caught between my toes. I despised the sun. I wanted it to be cold and stormy. I wanted to hear the wind blowing against the house, making the sounds of every scream I wanted let out seem silent.
It was only when I looked down at Lapis that I became refocused. She was staring up at me, waiting with a worried expression. She looked much better than I did. Her cheeks were flushed with their usual pink, and her eyes matched the ocean again. She felt like her usual cool temperature. Sleep really helped her.
"You said we'd discuss this out here," she said in a sweet voice.
"I did say that, didn't I?" I asked.
Lapis nodded. "You did," she answered. "Please tell me why."
Her eyes were pleading. I couldn't say no. Not to a face like that.
"...what am I?" I asked.
"What do you mean?" Lapis asked back.
"Tell me what I am," I growled, probably sounding a little too aggressive.
"You're a werewolf," Lapis answered. "Why are you asking me?"
"What am I supposed to be?" I asked.
"Peridot, please don't do this to me!" Lapis cried. "Just get to the point!" Her expression softened, and she was panting quietly. "Please...I'm so worried about you."
"Precisely how I feel about you," I replied. "...I'm supposed to be strong and fast. A werewolf. The werewolf everyone knows from fairy tales and movies, but...I feel scared. I feel...vulnerable. I don't feel that a lot, Lapis."
"It's normal to feel scared," Lapis said quietly, pulling my hand toward her face. "You don't need to be embarrassed about it. I feel scared sometimes too."
"I know you do," I responded. "But I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to have everything under control."
"Peridot, listen to me," Lapis said. "That's impossible. You can't have everything under your control like that." She traced my knuckles with her thumb and stared at my hand with a curious expression. Strange, but cute human behavior. "Werewolf or not. That's impossible."
"I'm not used to feeling this way," I replied weakly.
"It's okay to feel that way," Lapis said. "I've felt vulnerable for five months now. It's different, being pregnant. I have to change my habits and take better care of myself. I feel like I'm sick all the time, but I never actually am. I'm always needing extra care that I never needed before." She smiled her beautiful, precious smile. "I'm really glad I married someone like you. You never cease to take that extra care of me."
"Of course not," I replied. "I feel like I need to take even more care of you now than I did before, though. And I don't mean before your pregnancy. I mean before this very moment."
Lapis met my gaze, and her expression softened even more. Pity. Pity surrounded her ocean eyes.
"You really are worried," she said under her breath.
"Terrified," I replied.
"...would you feel better if you told me what you were worrying about?" Lapis asked, moving her grip to my arm.
"Perhaps," I answered. "I just...I don't know how to put it. I don't want to sound like I'm overthinking everything and getting really worked up over something I shouldn't be worrying about. I want you to understand how serious I am about this. I'm not playing."
"I can already tell," Lapis said. "And remember last time I thought I was overthinking?"
My gaze moved to her stomach, which was inflated under her shirt. Five months. Crazy.
"I suppose you have a point." I met her gaze again. "You promise you'll listen?"
"I'll always listen," Lapis replied.
I sighed. "I'm not sure if you knew, but a month ago, I wasn't feeling very good. I set off, hoping to find a way to console myself. I went to the forest and lay there. It only gave me more time to think. Thinking made me more upset because I was worrying. Worrying isn't unusual for me, of course, but this time, it was serious. It wasn't a 'what if Lapis suddenly gets cancer' type thing. It was really something serious." Lapis was staring straight at me with anticipation in her eyes, but they were still. Completely still. "I began to think about the baby. How she could be different from you or me. What am I to expect from a human baby? What am I to expect from a werewolf baby?!" I balled my hands into fists, and Lapis's grip on my arm tightened. "...I began to think that something could happen to her." I shook my head. "What if she doesn't make it? What if there's something wrong with her? What would I do?"
"Is that what you've been worrying about?" Lapis asked, still staring at me.
I shook my head. "I'm not done," I answered. "...Royal Blue came by. Luckily, she confirmed exactly what I wanted to hear: the baby is going to make it. I was feeling better, of course. Now...now I've found a new thing to worry about. Not the baby. The baby's going to be fine, according to Royal Blue, and I wouldn't bet against her." I looked Lapis straight in the eyes. "I began to worry about you. I had heard about the baby's fate. I never heard yours."
I heart the faint gasp escape her mouth. She was suddenly clutching her stomach. She wasn't in pain, but she was scared.
"You could die," I said. "I knew it was a possibility. The fact that it happened to my mother only scared me more. Made it seem even more possible. I may not lose the baby, but I could lose you." I looked down at my feet, which were moving slowly. For some reason, I liked that for once. "...I don't want to lose you."
I continued to watch my feet move one in front of the other. It was after a few strides in silence that I began to become suspicious. I looked over at Lapis, confirming my suspicion. Tears were dripping down her cheeks, but no sound was coming from her mouth.
"Lapis?"
Then it came. The loud, terrified sobs and what looked like painful lurching. My initial reaction was wrapping my arms around her to comfort her. She cried into my chest, soaking my shirt. I didn't mind. I just wanted to help her.
"Are you alright?" I asked quietly.
She sobbed. "I-I'm scared," she answered. "I don't wanna die! I don't want to leave you!"
I ran my fingers through her blue hair and kissed her head. I hated seeing her like this.
"It's rare, honey," I said. "It's rare. You know me. I just worry a lot."
"You said you were serious," Lapis replied.
"I know I did," I said. "But I know I'm still overthinking. The chance that you'll die is very low."
Lapis sniffled. "You promise?"
"On our marriage," I answered. She cocked her head to the side in confusion. "A covenant that will last forever."
Lapis kept her head on my chest, not lurching as severely as before. It was only shiver-like movements now. She was able to keep herself mostly still.
"Lapis," I whispered, burying my nose in her hair. "I love you. I really do. I'm not going to let you die."
"I love you too," Lapis replied.
I carefully moved my hands up her arms, shoulders, and neck until I had her face in my hands. Then I kissed her. I was careful. More careful than I had ever been.
We opened our eyes again. Lapis's were red from crying, but they had started to turn to pink due to her tears' halt. I wiped a stray tear away from her face and smiled. It was a weak smile, but it would do.
"Do you think you're stable enough to walk back inside?" I asked.
"Only if you'll walk with me," Lapis answered.
"Why wouldn't I?" I asked.
She took my hand and let me lead her back to the house. I couldn't exactly say that my mind had been taken off of what we had discussed. It wasn't as dominant over the rest of my thoughts anymore, but it was still there, soon to take over. All I could think about at that point was two words.
Not her.