^Cher dropping the baby bottle on the tray (pretend those are baby bottles XD)
**Not Edited (Please ignore the grammar and spelling mistakes. ;A;)**
❝ Crying is cleansing. There's a reason for tears, happiness or sadness. ❞
-Dionne Warwick
~~
[February- week 2]
"Is it normal to want to throw a person off the side of a building?"
"Hello to you too," Max drawled, patting Dulce's head as she sucked on the straw of her apple juice.
"I get it, I shouldn't have stolen that baby bottle," Cher continued ranting from her side of the phone. "But seriously she had three and if I have to hear her complain about how much of a bitch I am- because I already know I'm a bitch, not that big of a deal, I'll live with that. No, no, what is pissing me the fuck off is that she doesn't know what to do with the baby like are you fucking kidding me I don't know what to do with a baby! This is her child, how does she not know?! And- ohmygosh the baby is crying again how do you shut babies up do they have these things on Google?"
"Have you gotten any sleep?"
"No, because the baby WON'T. STOP. CRYING. I do not know what to do anymore. Please tell me that Kelvin guy is there," Cher said desperately.
"He is."
"GET HIM ON THE PHONE. NOW."
"What's the magic word?"Max said in a sing-song voice.
"GET THE GUY ON THE FUCKING PHONE OR I WILL CUT OFF YOUR BALLS WHEN YOU ARE ASLEEP AND LEAST EXPECTING IT."
"Please spare my balls," Max said quickly, placing Dulce beside him on the couch and running with the phone and slamming open the bathroom.
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Kelvin shrieked from his sitting position on the toilet. "WHAT THE HELL MAN I'M IN THE BATHROOM- AND I LOCKED IT, HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN?!"
"TALK TO CHER ABOUT BABIES BEFORE SHE CUTS MY DICK OFF."
"Huh. I guess we can cut your dick off if you're possessive about your balls," Cher mused thoughtfully.
"Am I missing something here?!" Kelvin asked, bewildered at the conversation going on while he was trying to do his business on the toilet.
"Just talk to her," Max said, handing the phone over to Kelvin.
"Hello?" Kelvin asked cautiously.
"Are you Kelvin?" A voice asked from the other end.
"Uh... Yes?"
"Great, that's- YOU BITCH GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK."
"OH, SO NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FELT WHEN YOU TOOK AWAY MY BABY BOTTLE!" Kelvin heard Brittany yell.
"YOU HAD THREE FUCKING BOTTLES, LET IT GO YOU CRAZY BITCH, LET. IT. GO."
Before Kelvin could make anything of the screaming going on at the other end, the line cut off and he was left listening to the dial tone.
"So?" Max asked, cocking an eyebrow.
"Uh... I think they're fighting?" Kelvin muttered, handing the phone back.
"And...?" The blonde asked, staring at the Asian.
"And... I need you to get out of the bathroom because you're creeping me out."
"Sure," Max waved, exiting the bathroom and leaving a confused (and frankly terrified) Kelvin in the bathroom.
~*~*~*~*~
"SOMEONE STOP THE BABY FROM CRYING!" Brittany screamed. "I'M TRYING TO GET MY BEAUTY SLEEP HERE."
"WHY DON'T YOU?!" Cher screamed back just as loudly. "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CALM A BABY SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER!"
"UGH!" Brittany griped, stomping into her room and slamming the door as Cher glared.
After about five more minutes of screaming (that baby had one great set of lungs. Gonna be a great singer with lots of range if this kept up) Cher got up and slowly approached the baby, palms out in a defensive stance.
The crying became even louder (Cher didn't even know how that was fucking possible) and Cher started talking to the baby in hopes of shutting it up (in the nicest way possible but after losing five nights of sleep and surviving on power naps, your niceness flies away and is replaced with crankiness).
"Are you hungry?" Cher asked desperately, searching through the cupboards and pulling a tray out. She threw open a cupboard and furrowed her eyebrows as she pulled out something that she assumed was a baby bottle and placed it on the tray, pulling out another one.
"How many fucking bottles are in here?!" She muttered, pulling out one after another. "Oh my god do they only have baby bottles in here?!"
BABY, ANSWER YOUR PHONE. YOUR HUSBAND IS CALLING!
BABY, ANSWER YOUR PHONE. YOUR HUSBAND IS CALLING!
"Fucking hell Max stop changing my ringtone!" Cher hissed, picking up the whole tray of bottles (okay seriously there were like ten baby bottles. Who needs that many baby bottles?! That Brittany girl had a thing for baby bottles) and walked over to get the phone when Brittany emerged out of her room at the same time, causing both of them to freeze as the baby kept crying in the background.
"... What are you doing with all those baby bottles?" Brittany asked, furrowing her eyebrows.
"Feeding the baby."
"Feeding the baby with ten baby bottles?"
"I couldn't find the baby food," Cher said through her teeth as her phone kept ringing, Max's voice repeating over and over again.
"Whatever," Brittany muttered, turning back around and slamming the door to her room.
Cher turned to face the baby who had actually stopped crying and was staring at her.
"Uh... Do you want crackers?"
The baby bursted out crying and Cher winced as one of the baby bottles fell as she flinched.
This was totally going to suck.
~*~*~*~*~
"How do you change a diaper?"
"You just... Change it," Brittany said vaguely.
'Well yes I fucking know that, I meant HOW DO YOU CHANGE A DIAPER IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE IT SURE AS HELL ISN'T AS SIMPLE AS THAT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I'M GOING TO KILL HER.'
Cher took a deep breath, breathing in before releasing it as she eyed Brittany. "Can you please elaborate?"
"You take the thingy and peel the wrapper and wipe the baby and stuff."
"Can you come over here and show me?" Cher asked impatiently.
"I don't know how to do it. How the hell would I know? The baby diaper is like, gross. And besides, Kelvin does all the work," The blonde said haughtily, going back to texting.
"OH MY GOD YOU LITTLE FRICKER, GET OVER HERE AND FIGURE OUT HOW TO CHANGE THE FUCKING DIAPER THEN, DON'T LEAVE ME TO FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOU! THIS IS YOUR BABY, STOP LEECHING OFF OF YOUR PARTNER AND GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS TO DO SOME ACTUAL WORK," Cher yelled, watching as Brittany stared, offended.
"Excuse me? Do you know who I am?"
"I don't give a fuck who you are, but I do give a fuck that you figure out how you change your babies diaper. Now get the fuck over here or I'll squish this diaper into your designer clothes," Cher threatened, eyes flashing with a promise.
Brittany gasped, appalled, and sniffed indignantly as she walked over.
"...She's scary," Kelvin said, eyes wide that the Asian girl managed to out-intimidate the daughter of the largest bank company.
All the guy partners were currently watching their female partners via security cameras (in the most non-creepy way possible. Seriously. They were just reacting to how their partners were taking care of the child with another partner).
"You have no idea," Max smiled wrily, watching as Cher yanked Brittany over and made gestures on how to put the diaper on.
"NO YOU CAN NOT HAVE A FUCKING GAS MASK AND GLOVES," Cher yelled as Brittany made a disgusted face at the baby. "SUCK IT UP AND DEAL WITH IT YOU PRISSY PANTS LADY. YOU WANT A CUTE BABY? WELL THIS IS REALITY AND IN REALITY CUTE BABIES DO UN-CUTE THINGS CALLED POOP."
~*~*~*~*~
"How's the baby?" Max asked as Cher picked up the phone.
Cher answered with a grunt.
"How are you?"
"Great. Great. Fantastic. Oh yeah. Never better."
"You're in front of Brittany right now aren't you?"
"Yep," Cher muttered, popping the 'p' and somehow managing to convey all her frustration through that one word.
Max heard some shuffling and the slamming of the door and a muffled scream before Cher came back on the phone. "Oh my god, pretending I like people is exhausting."
"That was you pretending to like people?!" Max asked incredulously. "Lady, you just screamed at her about diapers for ten minutes."
"It's not my fault she didn't know how to change the baby's diaper!"
"Do you even know the baby's name?"
There was silence before Cher groaned. "I forgot. Brittany never said the baby's name once so I've just started referring to him as 'the baby.' I am going to a special place in Hell reserved for people who can't remember the name of the baby they're taking care of."
"I'm sure Hell isn't that specific," Max hummed, playing with Dulce's hair as she sat in between his legs, her back to his chest as they watched TV.
"Wait until we swap children tomorrow. You are going to see what I'm going through," Cher muttered before pausing and sitting straight up. "Hang on. No, you won't experience what I'm going through because YOU HAVE KELVIN THE BABY WHISPERER."
"What? Cher? Are you okay? When's the last time you've slept?" Max asked worriedly.
Cher opened her mouth to reply but was cut off by a loud wailing and Cher felt like crying herself. She and the baby could bond over their mutual feelings of wanting to cry. It could be their thing. Crying together. Crying parties. Totally. It could be a thing.
The girl sighed heavily before hanging up, shuffling over to the baby crib and bending down.
"Okay. You and me little guy. You and me."
~~~~~
I didn't give the baby a name because I didn't know what to name him... If you have any name suggesstions tell me. I'm thinking of naming him Kai since the boy playing the two year old is Leo Recipon and he is so adorable omg
Okay I UPDATED EARLY BECAUSE IT'S XxDinosaurXx's BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL~!!!! :DDDD
So what did you think? Sorry it's a bit rushed, I didn't even finished doing my math homework yet ;A; but tell me what you think? Comment, Vote, and thank you so much for reading~!!!! <33333