Everyone turned their heads. No one spoke. I calmly stepped forward but my head screamed and howled and tore inside of me.
They see you! Everyone's seeing you!
THEY'RE LOOKING AT YOU WITH THOSE FILTHY EYES.
"You," Shannon said stunned, "Who the fùck are you?"
"It wasn't her!" Karri snapped instantly, "The only reason you found out it was me was because I was pulling them down. And I did it because I felt sorry for you." Her tears had stopped short the moment Shannon turned on me. Karri was as protective of me as I was her.
A crack echoed so loudly through the air that I had a hard time reacting to the slap, though I was suddenly aware that Tim's hands were pulling me backwards. "Wait," he hissed, "You'll only make it worse pretending to be responsible". I had clambered three feet forward and now fought the restraints of his arms.
Any attention that had been directed at me had long past and was once again on Karri and Shannon. Suddenly, another female's voice roared through the air. I struggled against Tim as we both realized Maggie had broken through the crowd.
"What the hell do you think you're doing being so proud," She screamed. Tim let go of me too fast and I fell forward. I looked up to see he was racing to Karri, apparently changing his mind on when to jump in on this. But he only got a few feet away before some of the teachers finally thought better and pulled all three girls away from each other. Karri met my eyes again, they were wide but serious. She subtly shook her head at me; saying it all. Stay out of this.
"In my office now!" Screamed a voice and I watched our vice principal Mr. Rodrigues come charging through the crowd. "All four of you!" He screamed, pointing a finger at me.
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"Alys, I will never forgive you if you try taking the fall for me. This was my prank, my idea, my joke- and everyone already knows I'm guilty." Karri said quietly through the side of her mouth so that the office staff wouldn't notice. She had just returned from the main office, but in her absence my mind had lost control to the fear, disgust and guilt.
I didn't say anything. My fists were white. I felt like my weak mental state was beginning to shatter; the stress, anger and anxiety were tearing through any sanity I had. My knuckles seemed to protrude even more against my grip.
"I'm getting suspended no matter what," she continued, "So why the hell would you pretend you made the posters when you really didn't? If you try to say you were involved, my dad will think you were the original instigator. He's been looking for a reason to end our friendship and you know it. If he even has an inkling this was your fault- we're done. Did you ever think of that, Alys?" She spat my name and I tightened. I realized why.
I finally glanced to her. The red welts on her cheek were dark in contrast to her pale skin; she was shaken up and uneasy. But she was even angrier that I was making this worse not better. I suddenly realized how selfish I had been. She was just as scared as I was. But she was helping me instead; she was talking me through it while it should have been me to her.
"I'm... sorry," I said hesitantly, testing each word slowly; hoping that none of my true thoughts came out with it.
"Promise me." she said sternly. "Everything's fine right now, even though it's wrong. Everything's fine because I was expecting to be caught and I was ready for it. But don't you dare make this worse, Alys. I'll never forgive you for being so stupid."
I nodded my head and looked away. My name was called and I stood quietly and stepped into the vice principal's office. My eyes scoured to the right and froze when they met my mother's. "Get out," I hissed.
"Alys!" the man stood abruptly, "You will not talk to your mother like that in my office."
I hesitated as I watched her burning eyes. Finally I sat down next to her. Mr. Rodrigues watched both of us warily before he too sat down.
"Mrs. and Ms. Westbrook, you're both here today because it seems a senior prank has gone a little too far." He tilted his head and looked down his nose at me. "Alys Westbrook, I've never had you in my office before. But I've seen your records, and as far as I can tell you've never had a problem with anyone before. So accordingly, I am inclined to believe Ms. Karri Hendricks' that this was solely her doing. Am I correct in that assumption?"
I tightened my fists, my lips wanting to bare their teeth than to blame Karri. But her promise seemed to puppeteer my mouth and I reluctantly mimed her words. "Yes..... I just wanted to help take some of the blame off of her. I didn't want her to be alone in this."
"Well that was valiant of you, but it really doesn't help anyone. Though Alys, from what I can tell, you did know about this correct? You knew she had made these posters and had put them up along the walls?" He asked point blank.
"Yes, she made one the beginning of the week and she copied them Tuesday morning. I knew she intended to make her joke a small senior prank.... but she hadn't realized that other people would also create more posters, or how much it would catch on even after that."
He watched me silently, pondering my words. Finally he said, "And do you, Ms. Westbrook?"
I watched him back quietly. "I heard it made it to the news."
"Oh yes, the internet had quite it's fun with it. And once they tracked where the posters had come from, it wasn't much effort for the reporters to follow. Unfortunately even though the posters have been brought down, other students have snowballed onto this senior prank. They call themselves the common folk, and it seems anyone can join. Though I wouldn't put too much heart on any of them committing fully to this. Students always lose interest in the passing fads, and undoubtedly everyone will go back to worshiping those girls." He sighed at the sad truth of the short minded. "But still, until this fad passes, it's going to be troublesome if more people keep making things worse."
"What do you mean?" my mouth felt dry, though I already knew what he meant. Somebody had already taken it a step even further. I had just had meager hopes that this would have all died down. I realized now how stupid I was.
"Well it's now the permanent background to all computers, it's been spray painted on the back walls, it's all over the internet and local news, and we have apprehended a careless individual whom was going to put an ad out on cragislist with it, but containing the girl's real number."
"But that's not Karri's fault!" I said swiftly, leaning forward in my chair. I could barely see my mother's hand tightening on her chair. This was too much attention too close to her messed up daughter's life.
"Yes, I'm aware of that Ms. Westbrook. But make no mistake; she will be held accountable for the consequences of her direct actions."
I ground my teeth and tried to understand his complete words, "But not for the others, right? The graffiti on the back wall?"
That was property damage... that was where her scholarship could fly out the window.
"No, a copycat's crime will go to the copycat. I will see to it. But she still has a pile of broken rules beneath her feet," His eyes narrowed, "And so do you."
"Though I am aware that you did not create these posters, you still stood next to her knowing she was making this chaos happen. You are more than a witness but yet less than an accomplice." He leaned away and began scribbling on my paperwork, "Though you will not share her full punishment, you will have your own for knowing who the creator was and not doing the right thing and stopping this. Three day suspension." he concluded, holding out the sheet for me to sign.
"I will try my best to clean up this mess your friend made. We are fair here. On account there was no property damage and no harm to another; we are treating it like the senior prank it was intended to be. She is free to walk at graduation with the rest of you if she serves her three week suspension and finishes up her school year problem free."
"And my daughter?" My mother's voice seemed to burn with something unknown as she finally spoke up, "Will it be clear to everybody that no one from my household was involved, that it was just her stupid friend?"
I jolted a little and glared at her. Mr Rodrigues too stared quietly towards her before he finally addressed her.
"I understand your... concern... on this Mrs. Westbrook. We have already addressed this with the other teachers and students involved, everyone is well aware that the posters were only Ms. Hendricks doing; she did no more, no less. It's also been made clear there were copycats and imitators too, and their work outweighed hers- but she can't be held at fault for it."
"But your daughter Alys is not a part of this." He stood and handed me my completed packet of crime, his eyes now glancing to my papers. "Whatever momentary confusion she caused about who the culprit was has long past."
He seemed to find the idea odd as his eyes glanced back towards me- probably wondering who I was... where I had been these four years I attended this school. "For whatever reason, nobody knows who she is. Word never got around that someone else confessed; everyone was just too indifferent to your daughter. It was almost like they had no idea who she even was. "
"That's.... good..." my mother said cautiously. She glanced to me quietly too, probably watching my persona of being faceless. An art we both knew I had mastered since a young age. She didn't like this conversation though; settled dust was settled dust- why couldn't people just leave her alone?
Mr. Rodrigues tucked a pen behind his ear and sighed as he pondered the doorway we were about to leave through, "Yes I suppose it is good. I guess there's no room in the gossip mill about a girl whose name is unknown. No one really cares about a..."
He stopped short, realizing he was about to say something that was offensive. But I finished his words softly. You could never underestimate the disgusting blank eyes of a flock of sheep. You could never expect them to see anything but what they wanted to see. No one would ever care for...
"A Wallflower."
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The door sat in front on me. It seemed to watch me just as I watched it. I tightened the slight hold I had on my knees and pondered the metal knob.
There was no one on the other side of it. I knew that, but still, my eyes never wavered from the handle, some old distrust seeping through my veins as I watched it uneasily.
Another hour passed. And then another. The house phone was ringing, and I assumed it was Karri since I never answered her calls to my cell phone. It echoed through the cracks of the wooden frame before me and left a slight chill sweep across my skin in its fading silence.
Another moment passed, another tightening of my grip, and I realized it was midnight. I crept forward finally. Again, though I knew I was alone in the house, my flesh acted like it once used to when I was a small child. Something about midnight unreeled the cords tightening my body, holding it motionless. Now I dragged those lines forth as I drifted from my spot. Nighttime was my sanctuary, my cover. Darkness was when everyone slept.
I opened the latch and stepped out into the hall. My eyes found the door towards the far end of the hallway. My mother was still gone. She would probably be gone all day too. She would not come home until the pills and the wine had taken her to hell and back.
And then she would crawl out of her motel room, and find her way back home. They'll never know, her eyes would say, no one will ever know.
I am a wonderful mother....
They'll never know otherwise.
I walked downstairs quietly, wandering the darkness of my home.
My world felt empty.
I didn't want my mother to show up on the doorstep with the newspaper, I didn't want to be with her all day while she had a psychotic breakdown she had somehow eluded until then. I wanted to go to the school, but of course Friday was day two of my suspension. I'd have to be with my mother all weekend through Monday before I was free.
The panic started setting in. Before I had gone into instinct mode; mindlessly finding my way into my room and locking myself in there as my mother sped the car away without so much as a word. The news station outside our school had been the final straw for her.
But now I had snapped out of that mode and was faced with my raw reality. I couldn't stand the idea of being next to anyone, breathing in the same air as the vile fools around me; my vile mother awaiting me. The inner chaos burned inside of me, screaming for me to leave before she got back.
She's coming. She'll be here soon.
I turned swiftly on my heel and raced upstairs; a blank frenzy taking over my mind. I grabbed my side-bag and a backpack and stuffed them full of extra cloths and necessities. I looked at my cellphone, dreading its screen, before I walked away without touching it.
In all the years Karri's known me, I had "burrowed" only twice. It was a therapy term doctor Hathaway had coined. She had always been understanding. The back of my mind prayed she would be this time as well. But the front of my mind was breaking. I could feel my shield that I had made all these years slipping away, my need to scream and carve into the walls.... my need to run and to hide.
I stumbled downstairs again, but braced heavily against a table and breathed..... "No.... just breathe. Just breathe. You'll be fine so just keep breathing."
The front door creaked open. I turned wide eyed as I stared into my mother's. She seemed to have been hoping to stumble home without me ever knowing. But here we stood; face to face, insanity to insanity, both running from out past.
"Where are you going?" she said slowly, her eyes scanning my back pack, "No.... you can't leave. You have to stay."
I bared my teeth slightly in anger and fear. "Leave me alone!" I bit as I began backing to the doors behind me.
"Alys!" she screamed now, some hysteric emotion killing any sanity left in her. "Put your stuff down now and go back to your room!"
I swiftly turned my head back to her, "I can't leave? Where the hell have you been this whole time, huh? So just get the hell away from me!" I clutched my bag tighter as I looked towards that back door.
"Alys" she roared as she came to me, "I'll call the cops you selfish little shït!"
"Call them then! Tell them what a wonderful mother you are and how I'm just a little girl who doesn't know what she's saying!"
She flinched at my words, horror on her face at the satire of what they truly meant.
It made me laugh even harder, "Hell, call Officer Andrew's while you're at it? Oh I bet he'll just love this house call!"
"How dare you," she spat, "How dare you act all high and mighty to me. You don't think I don't suffer every other fùcking day? You don't think I don't fight to suppress all that's happened to this family? Oh no, but unfortunately I was able to move on. I was able to shove away our past and keep my head high. Unlike my daughter whom thinks nothing beyond her drawings! Tell me sweetie, do you even try to stop doing it?"
I grabbed a porcelain plate beside me and then let it slip casually from my fingers. It shattered across the stone floors of the kitchen.
"At least mother, I know who I am. At least I'm not dependent on other's eyes, only caring to make a pretty picture for anyone glancing this way. At least I don't lie to people about my own daughter being sick."
She had lunged for the plate the moment it tipped free from my fingers, but my words had caused her to freeze and watch me in disbelief.
"At least," I leaned in closer to her, "I don't care more about the image of a household than I do her."
I turned and walked away to the doors, but not before I saw something odd sweep across her face. Pain.
"No, Alys...." she whimpered hysterically as she saw my hand on the door knob, "No!" she screamed and wailed now; something sounding completely different than when she first came home. "You can't leave. You can't go! You're all I have!" she was yelling through her snot, crying and falling to her knees. Her words were the same. Her words were entirely different.
"I am not your anything!" I yelled back, but the sight of my mother like this was unsettling. I knew this side of her was always tucked inside, but I never wanted to see it again. "I just want to get away from you."
"Yes, let's get away." She said soberly, "Let's get away for a few days; a mother and daughter retreat!" She smiled through her desperation as she finally had something to hold onto, "I'll let my friends know- we just need to get away from it all. And we do... we can get through this. We just need this...." She held out her arms to me.... red puffy eyes and a crazed look.
I stared at her; open armed and waiting. The very woman who pushed me away.
"Please..." she said softly, desperately. There was fear in her eyes at my lack of movement.
My own tears threatened my eyes. I hated her... but I couldn't stand to see her like this. It was at times like this I was forced to confront that fact that she really didn't make it out of our past unharmed either. It wasn't her anger that showed me this....
It was her pathetic, wretchedness.
It was these weak moments that disturbed me to see more than anything else. Her lips trembled and her hands shook as she realized I still wasn't coming to her. A tear rolled from my cheek.
Slowly, I fell forward in obedience and approached my mother's shadow. She wrapped me tightly, and began to sing some stupid little lullaby I hadn't heard since I was young. Being drunk brought out something small, fragile and raw about her. It was her true core, a mother's core... and it was dangerously delicate and it never stayed long.
But I was just as disgusting. After all these years- after everything she had put me through... some betraying child inside of me cried for her mother.
"We'll be back by Tuesday and we'll start fresh again. Just a breather... just a breather..." she patted my hair and soothed it flat, while rocking me against her chest.
And I nodded my head like the pathetic little child that I was and felt more tears slip away.
...
I messaged Karri that I was leaving that night with my mother. We would be back again by Monday night, and I would visit her Tuesday once I got done with school. I asked her how her dad had handled everything, that I hoped she was okay, and that I was sorry I avoided her calls earlier that day. I hadn't been right in the head, and now my mother was taking me away, us away... to try and bring back some sanity. I assured her I would drive to the end of town, sleep off my mother's abbreviation at the motel, and switch drivers whenever we moved on. We just had to get as far away as we could. As fast as we could.
As part of this breakaway, we both left our phones home. I knew that she didn't want her friends prying or asking incase more things happened while we were away. The consequence, I suppose, of surrounding yourself with gossiping hens. It was an easy choice for me. I dropped the phone heavily and never looked back at it once.
The road trip was silent as we both rarely talked.
I suppressed the urge to draw, but she suppressed the urge to wear her house-wife mask. We were both just raw and it felt nice to have fresh air on the dark part of my soul for once.
Breathing was nice.
For the most part, we just drove. We watched the land as we slipped by; we pulled into motels at night and ate at gas stations and dives during the day. She never mentioned the horrible food, so I never mentioned the horrible smell.
But by the time we were heading back and getting closer to our city, I could see some mask maturing on her face; some mindset closing this raw moment as we faced the vultures of our world again. I watched her quietly for a little longer before I turned and looked out the window.
Monday night I stepped back into my room, a whole lot saner than when I left... but still not right. The true test of my will power would be how well I handled the next few weeks without Karri. I unplugged my cellphone and turned on its screen. There were no missed calls or replies back from her. I knew instantly Mr. Hendricks had confiscated her phone. Would he even open the door for me tomorrow when I tried to visit?
I sighed and closed my eyes. There were texts and calls from Tim though, but I didn't have the care nor mental strength to pull up with messages. I tossed the phone across the room, grabbed my journal and slipped into my blankets; cocooning myself deep.
By the amount I slept, you'd think I was dead.
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I opened my locker quietly and glanced towards Karri's vacant spot. I tightened my hand on the metal dial as I stilled in silence. I was aware of the few quick glances in my direction of the few people who had witnessed my false confession.
But their curious gazes were void of any real interest. Mr. Rodrigues was right, no one had believed me... no one had even ever seen me until that moment. Gossip couldn't spread about a nobody.
I removed my math binder and breathed in heavily. My three day suspension was pointless, and I felt irritated at the thought of now having to catch up in school work. I slammed my door shut and turned to walk away, but ended up face to face with Megan.
"Where the hell have you been?
"Excuse me?" I asked stunned. "I was on suspension."
"Suspension? Oh I didn't realize they took your phone away too. Oh that's right- they don't. That was just you."
I watched her silently and studied her face. Anger in her eyes; red from having been crying and she somehow knew that I couldn't be reached despite her never having tried my number herself. I wondered if people realized how much information they emitted without realizing it.
"Megan..." I whispered, "I'm not going to explain to you why my mother and I left. That's between us. And part of this engagement was neither of us had our phones. Obviously you didn't know this, but by no means will I stand to be accused of something false instead." my voice eased low towards to end, warning her I did not take accusations kindly. Her gaze changed instantly, realizing with my words I hadn't deliberately avoided calls.
I flicked my gaze back and forth between her eyes, wary of what started this all. "What happened? Why have you been crying?"
It seemed my words invited her face to do just that. Tears swelled against her gaze and rolled off her cheeks. "You really don't know, do you?" she asked stricken.
"Know what?" My hands began to dampen, "What happened?"
"Tim's been suspended like you, he'll be back next Monday. But Karri..." Megan took a deep breath and looked cautiously around... her nervous gaze not trusting any of the students.
"But Karri, what?" I said instantly. That name got a few alert looks my way... the sheep were smiling from something only they knew.
"Jackson found the loophole; no bodily harm. That was it Alys... that was the excuse. Shannon and Maggie and Michelle from the posters.... they faked suicide attempts. The tried to harm themselves, all because of Karri's posters."
My eyes widened but Megan continued, "Everyone was there in the Cafeteria though, everyone knew they were acting!" Her angry and nervous gaze casted around, "And no one said anything, no one stood up for Karri. When the teachers asked what had happened, their silence was just as bad as accusing her! Tim got into a yelling match with one of the teachers but it was no use....."
"They permanently expelled Karri. She was arrested and removed by the Police."
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A/N:
Hope you enjoyed my kiddies. Let's meet back here for another date in a few weeks, okay?
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